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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Can't face an abortion but don't want a baby

(44 Posts)
42andpregnant Wed 01-Jul-15 17:23:38

I have 2 DC with exH, aged 5 & 7. I've just escaped the most full-on part of child rearing and I've found out I'm pregnant.
Been with DP about 10 months. We're broke. I live in a tiny 2-bed house and can't afford to move. DP lost his job recently. We don't live together but DP's planning to move in soon. I love him, he loves me. He's great with my kids.
He doesn't want a baby and neither do I, but I feel really sad when I think about getting rid of it. He feels sad too.
I guess for him, it's not his last chance. He's 36 and could still find a fertile girl to reproduce with in 10 years time. But I'm 42. It probably is my last chance. But that's not a reason to keep a baby I don't want.
But what if we have an abortion and regret it but then can't have another?
I don't know what to do. I just feel desperately sad.

SunnyBaudelaire Wed 01-Jul-15 17:25:52

I know it is old fashioned but have you considered adoption?

RandomMess Wed 01-Jul-15 17:26:27

There is no right and wrong. I would try and get some urgent counselling, I believe Marie Stoppes offer it? You need to try and come to the right decision for you.

polkadotsrock Wed 01-Jul-15 17:29:46

Lots of ifs and buts here obviously but if you truly don't want another child I don't think you should have one. The long term repercussions for you, DP and other children could be huge, not that abortion is ever an 'easy' answer of course. Best of luck in this difficult situation flowers

42andpregnant Wed 01-Jul-15 18:02:42

Thanks so much for your responses. I'm going to give Marie Stopes a call. I know I couldn't give a baby up for adoption - that would be the hardest of all.
I feel so stupid to have got pregnant when I didn't want a baby. We both rather liked the romantic idea of getting pregnant. But now it's happened, it's just awful. I'm such a prat.

Stroopwaffel Wed 01-Jul-15 22:38:24

Sorry you're in this position.

Had you discussed having children some time in the future with your dp, does he never want children or does he mean he doesn't want a baby now?

Do you know how far along you are, you could make an initial appt to get the process started as it can take some time.. You can obviously back out at any point but just means that the option is available to you sooner.

42andpregnant Thu 02-Jul-15 17:34:14

Thanks, Stroop.
DP and I had talked about it a bit and were both pretty relaxed about whether I got pregnant. But then he lost his job and has been pretty depressed. He thinks he might want kids in the future, but he isn't sure. He says he only wants kids with me, if at all. But of course, at my age, every passing year makes it less likely I could get pregnant. So I'm afraid he'll decide he really does want kids, in a year or 2, and it'll be too late for me.
He is being amazingly sweet and supportive and says he'll stick with me, no matter what I decide. He doesn't really want a baby but isn't totally opposed to the idea either.
But we have such a happy, relaxed relationship now, I'm afraid the stress of having a baby will be the end for us. I couldn't bear that.
I found the first 3 or 4 years SO hard before. I don't think I can do it again. But then I had a thoroughly unsupportive husband - a hard-drinking musician. This time I have a sweet and gentle homebody.
I saw my GP and he was very kind, but a bit ProLife which didn't really help - he suggested I speak to Life but also told me BPAS do the NHS abortions round here, so I rang them and have an appointment with my local BPAS clinic next Thursday for a preliminary consultation and medical.
I'm not committing myself to anything yet and I'm going to try not to think about it til next week's appointment as I'm driving myself totally crazy. It's exhausting.
Sorry this post is pretty exhausting too!

sebsmummy1 Thu 02-Jul-15 17:45:19

42andpregnant I just want to quietly say that at 42 your risk of miscarriage is around 50%.

I read a lot of threads from 40somethings on here fighting with the decision to terminate or not. I always worry they could come to the decision to keep the baby and feel excited then lose it anyway as the pregnancy progresses. So whilst I'm not going to comment regarding going ahead or terminating, I just want to urge a little bit of caution if you do go ahead just incase very sadly the pregnancy ends by itself.

42andpregnant Thu 02-Jul-15 17:50:58

Thanks, sebsmummy. At the moment, I'm hoping I do miscarry so I don't have to make a decision. If my appointment next week shows there's not a viable pregnancy, it will be a relief. Which probably indicates that I should terminate.

BlackBettyBamALam Thu 02-Jul-15 18:00:26

Oh OP I really feel for you. No advice but plenty of hand holding flowers

Owllady Thu 02-Jul-15 18:05:06

I had an unplanned third and felt rather the same as you, but treated it as a one day at a time thing. What would be, would be
He's now 7 and was obviously meant to be here but that approach worked for me
This time you are with someone else so you may not be as stressed. You just wing it with a third as well

But you know, it's up to you. Talk to someone and be happy with your decision. There is no right or wrong, it's your life x

Stroopwaffel Thu 02-Jul-15 18:25:15

It's so hard.

Sorry your gp was not that helpful... I had the same thing, not helpful.. I would steer clear of Life but sure you already are!

When I saw a counsellor about my unplanned pg she said try to think about how life might be in a year's time, when the baby would be here if you did decide that's what you wanted, so in your case your dp hopefully would be in work again and possibly your housing situation would be better and so on.

But maybe if you feel a miscarriage would be a relief then you already know what's right for you now as you say.

Lottapianos Thu 02-Jul-15 18:31:09

Such a hard decision and neither outcome will feel 100% perfect, that's an important thing to remember. There's no 'right' decision, just the better decision for you. It sounds like your gut is giving you quite a strong message. Counselling from Marie Stopes is a very good idea x

Stroopwaffel Thu 02-Jul-15 18:39:14

Also I think a normal reaction to any pregnancy planned or unplanned is to freak out.. It's such a life changing thing and you understand that more when you already have dc.

lexyloub Tue 07-Jul-15 11:58:02

I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago had 2 dc and got pregnant unplanned with 3rd. I never considered abortion but did say to myself if I miscarry then it takes away my choice. This was a complete shock reaction to my pregnancy and I then came round to the idea, unfortunately for me when I went for 12 wk scan it was discovered I'd had a mmc I was completely devastated and blamed myself for 'wishing' it upon myself it I'm still not really over it I don't think I ever will be. 12 months later I fell pregnant again (not planned but not prevented) &I'm so happy right now ds3 is 4 month old I find it so much easier this time around I'm alot more relaxed than I was with the older 2. I also only have 2 bedrooms so something will need to be sorted soon re sleeping arrangements.

42andpregnant Thu 09-Jul-15 17:44:58

Thank you all for your support and for sharing your experiences. It really helps a lot.
I moved today's BPAS appointment to next week because I'm only 5+3 today and was worried they might not be able to find anything on the scan yet. I don't want to have to go back and I can't afford more time off work anyway.
DP and I are still no nearer making up our minds. Neither of us is dead against either option. I said to DP that if he really doesn't want a baby, we won't have one. He says he doesn't know: he is terrified by the thought having a baby but he doesn't want to suggest we get rid of it either. I'm not terrified. But I worry the stress will break us up. And how will I find the energy to give three children enough attention?
So no nearer making a decision.
At least I've stopped crying all the time.

42andpregnant Wed 15-Jul-15 17:27:14

I had my initial BPAS consultation today. Unfortunately DP couldn't come with me. The scan shows my dates are right - 6+2 - and it has a heartbeat.
I just cried and cried through the session with the counsellor. She said they wouldn't give me an abortion while I'm so upset and undecided.
I just want things to go back as they were before. I was really happy with DP and now everything's ruined and I don't see how it will ever be right again.
I still don't want a baby. When I think about going through with the abortion, I feel distraught. But, when I think about keeping the baby, it doesn't make me feel happy. I don't think I should have a baby unless I really want it.
If only I could get these damn hormones out of my system for a couple of days, so I could think clearly and not be stuck in this permanent emotional fog. sad

thisisnow Wed 15-Jul-15 20:15:35

I hope you're okay, I remember the indecision and how it tears you apart literally swinging from one decision to the next. You still have time to think things over. Not that it helps much really sad

oddfodd Wed 15-Jul-15 20:30:43

If you're hoping you'll miscarry, have an abortion. Being blunt, I think it's sentimentality which is making you waver.

Yes, this would probably have been your last baby. But you were happy to have stopped having babies until this happened. This shouldn't change that - if you take the romance out of it, it's massively impractical from what you have said.

Think about the practical implications of having another baby, then decide. Incidentally, I don't think how likely you are to miscarry should come into the equation.

TheLastPickleInTheJar Thu 16-Jul-15 14:05:37

I think i agree with oddfodd

I can't tell you what to do but you don't sound like someone who wants to have a baby. It's okay to not want a baby.

I too remember the indecision. I felt exactly the same as you - didn't want a baby, didn't want an abortion, prayed for a miscarriage and just wanted life to go back to how it was.

It's hard. Its so, so hard. Hormones, emotions, morals, ethics, beliefs. All these things get in the way when we're trying to make a decision like this.

Do you just wish you could go to sleep and wake up no longer pregnant? Without actually having to 'do' anything? It's the doing that's so hard isn't it?

Stroopwaffel Thu 16-Jul-15 16:56:47

Something which would make me hesitant in your situation is that you mentioned that your dp said he may want children with you in a couple of years.
If he were to change his mind like that down the line it could be incredibly painful unless you are totally sure that you don't want any more.

If the idea of termination makes you feel distraught, then I would have some more counselling first.

The clinic turned me away twice because I was so upset. The third time I was on autopilot, because I just wanted the whole situation over with, not, in fact the pregnancy which is what I have struggled with since.

I hope you can come to a decision which is right for you op x

SirVixofVixHall Thu 16-Jul-15 17:09:21

I am 8 years older than my DH. That is the only reason why I had babies in my 40s. He wasn't ready for a long time, and tbh I still have a little niggle of resentment over that! But he is an amazing father and would never turn back time and want a childless life. I think the question is the one a Doc at the family planning clinic asked me when I was late 30s ish and DH still was undecided.:-He said "the question isn't do you want a baby now, it is do you want a baby ever? Because if you do, there is nothing to be gained by waiting for a better time. There will never be a better time". So if you would like a baby with your partner, and he with you, even if not yet, then maybe accept that the timing isn't ideal. Take your time over this. I wouldn't have a termination unless you are completely and utterly certain that it is the only way forward for you.

TheLastPickleInTheJar Thu 16-Jul-15 19:41:28

True stoop. There's a difference between wanting the situation and all the stress to end and wanting the pregnancy to end.

I presented twice for a medical termination and sat in tears for hours both times. I wish i'd been sent away the second time. Instead i took the pill to make it all stop but i regretted it and it nearly destroyed me.

If you or dh have any feeling that you might like a child then abortion is not the way to go.

Equally, it is okay to not want another child. But even knowing that you don't want a baby doesn't mean abortion is easy.

I agree with the pp who said you ought to get some counselling to talk it through properly.

Quite possibly neither scenario is ideal for you. It's about finding out which is least worst for you. Which decision you can most easily live with.

I wish you didn't have to make the choice thanks thanks

42andpregnant Fri 17-Jul-15 18:29:40

Thank you all very much for your kindness and some straight talking too - I need both at the moment. I am now thinking that I probably do want a termination, however hard that will be. As others have said, it's really the responsibility for making the decision that is so hard. If I could wake up and not be pregnant any more, I'd be happy. The hormones are making me irrational and sentimental - I'm crying over the sort of cheesy Facebook posts that normally make me puke. My brain wants an abortion but my body's rebelling. I tend to wake up feeling tearful and that I want to keep it but, as the day goes on, I feel calmer and more inclined to a termination.
The more time passes, the more sure DP is that he doesn't want it. He's also pretty sure, now he's really thought about it, that he doesn't ever want a child. I wouldn't have an abortion for him if I really wanted another child, but my decision is definitely influenced by his opinion and I think that's OK.
So I've made another appointment at BPAS for Wednesday. They'll check out my mental state and I can get booked in for a termination if they think I'm OK. DP will come with me, although they'll want to speak to me alone.

DilysPrice Fri 17-Jul-15 18:39:29

So sorry you're going through this OP. Wishing you strength and recovery thanks

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