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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Pregnant and DP never wanted kids. What to do.

(73 Posts)
Daisy852 Thu 25-Jun-15 10:04:23

I'm a long time lurker, but never posted before. So confused and would really appreciate some advice please.

I'm 34, been with DP for 6 years. He was never keen on a family, I was, but I was trying to come to terms with being child free so we could stay together.
I've had a long history of horrendous side effects with every type of contraception, so 6 months ago we took the mutual decision to use natural family planning. Fully aware of the risks. Anyway, I must have mis calculated my fertile period dates as I'm now 4-5weeks pg. I honestly thought that in my mid 30s it wasn't possible to get knocked up so easily!
DP is absolutely livid, says I've done it deliberately (definitely not), and that its all my fault and he wants me to get rid of it. I'm trying to talk to him about our options, but he can barely speak to me now.
I'm completely and utterly torn in two by it. I always swore I'd never have an abortion, but now I find myself contemplating it. I would dearly love a child, but not in these circumstances, without a supportive partner. I don't want to force my DP into being a father. Even if I went it alone I don't feel it would be fair on a child to have an absent father who isn't interested.
I am so torn, neither option is going to be pain free. But I have niggling at the back of my mind: I'm 34, this could be my last chance to be a mum, and I might always regret terminating. I've always dreamed of being a mum and would love to continue the pregnancy if DP was more supportive.
Sorry for rambling.

I believe that a woman shouldn't have an abortion for someone else's benefit. That's just my personal opinion.
What do you think about being a single parent?

I'm not going to make any comments about how he should have had the snip if he felt that strongly, but honestly...

RattleAndRoll Thu 25-Jun-15 10:10:37

I'm not great at advice but..

Both my DB and I have absent fathers (different fathers). I wouldn't change it. My DM is amazing and we're all so close. So from my experience a child doesn't need to have both parents. So if your DP isn't interested, to me, it would still be ok.
He could still come around anyway.

Also you want to be a mum. You always dreamed of it. You was going to give it up for this person who should really support you through something like this, but instead is angry, blaming you for doing it on purpose, telling you to get a termination. True colours are shining. I wouldn't give up my opportunity of being a mum for someone who is now behaving like that.
If he didn't want a child then he could have taken responsibility himself and had a vasectomy.

But that's just my opinion. Sorry you're in this predicament. thanks

RaaRaaTheLion Thu 25-Jun-15 10:12:47

Firstly, hugs to you flowers I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position.
Clearly your DP is in shock but must have known the risks involved in natural contraception. I think you need to ask yourself how much having this baby would mean to you, and if push came to shove, whether or not you could hack being a single parent. It isn't fair for him to make you choose between him or the baby,IMO.

Thurlow Thu 25-Jun-15 10:13:41

I'm sorry you're in this position flowers

It's early days, so you do have plenty of time to think about your decision. As everyone always recommends on these threads, it's always a good idea to call Marie Stopes or BPAS and ask to talk to a counsellor, as they can help enormously.

There's one thing that leaps out from the OP and that is the reaction of your DP. How long ago did you tell him? I appreciate he must be shocked too (because an unexpected pregnancy is shocking) but... that's not a nice reaction. Not at all. What does it say that he thinks you would do this deliberately? How can he not appreciate that this is an enormous thing for you too? That he doesn't even want to speak to you?

There are moments in life where you see your OH in a very different light. I may be reading what you've written above completely wrong, but this moment looks on paper to be one of them.

It's no one's decision other than yours. Many women will decide to be a single parent from the outset and have the child. Equally, many women will decide they don't want to do that. There is absolutely no right or wrong, just what feels like the best, or least worst, decision for you.

Both times I have been unexpectedly pregnant I had a gut feeling, a first reaction to seeing that positive test. Both times it was different, and both times we went with that decision. Can I was what your immediate, gut feeling was when you saw your test?

TheWanderingUterus Thu 25-Jun-15 10:19:06

He should have had a vasectomy or used a condom.

Natural family planning is rubbish in the long term as you can release an egg at almost any point in your cycle/sperm can live inside you for a few days.

How dare he put all the blame for this on you. Even the most cursory of searches will suggest that this method is highly unreliable, even if the man withdraws before ejaculation.

In your situation I would keep the baby and ditch the DH. Even if I did have a termination in your situation I think it would inevitably sour the relationship over time.

bikeandrun Thu 25-Jun-15 10:19:09

From reading this post its sounds like you would regret a termination ( fully support your right to have one) I would plan to go it alone and if your dp changes his mind, which he may do when it seems more real discuss his involvement in your terms.

Hellen77 Thu 25-Jun-15 10:31:48

I had a similar experience a few months ago. I desperately wanted another baby and DH had said no for 2 years. One day (moment of madness on his part I guess) he knew I was ovulating and gave in to my request to try for a baby. Well lo and behold we end up pregnant. I was so excited when I did that test. Husband went completely catatonic and put me through hell for 4 weeks very angry that I had "forced" him into another baby. I was so worried and torn so I had an abortion because I didnt know how to fix things any other way.

Worst decision I have ever made in my whole entire life. Regret it every day and resent him competely for doing that to me - someone he is meant to love.

If I were you I would absolutely not have a termination. Your partner doesn't understand the effect this will have on you especially where the baby is wanted and as you say may be your last chance at motherhood (if you stay with him and he is so against children it is unlikely to ever happen again).

I wish I was stronger and had have stood my ground. I would be 20 weeks pregnant now and I am sure my husband would have come round. Instead I panicked in the face of complete hostility and anger from my husband and guilt that I had somehow forced it on him. I am sure you probably also feel guilty for making a mistake on your fertile time.

You need time out from him and his negativity. Please speak to family (his parents?) to get support. In my opinion if you terminate you will regret it and end up hating him for being such an unsupportive arse.

If he loves you he will get over it. Eventually. Just stay strong and block him out and get him talking to people. This is not your fault. It has happened and he needs to deal with it like a decent living partner and not guilt or shame you into making a decision you will regret.

(Ha see I am saying everything I wish I had said to my husband months ago!)

Hellen77 Thu 25-Jun-15 10:38:43

Ps how old is he?

wineandpopcorn Thu 25-Jun-15 10:42:08

Same thing also happened to me and I went through with an abortion under extreme pressure from dh. Worst thing I ever did, and I will always regret it.

Daisy852 Thu 25-Jun-15 10:52:47

Oh wow thank you for all being so lovely. It really helps. I think my initial gut reaction when I saw the positive test was 'oh crap he is going to be so angry'. I feel incredibly guilty that he perceives I have 'trapped' him into this. I wonder if I have been putting his feelings before mine just a bit too much; if I did have a termination it would be for him mainly. I guess I'm just incredibly worried about the future, if he would resent us being a family. I don't want to go through a break up in a few years if he can't hack it.
Financially, going it alone is no problem, I have my own house still, and an excellent career and supportive female boss. I wouldn't necessarily need his financial support.
Emotionally though, I don't want to do this without him. He can be a complete selfish arse at times, today being a prime example, but is still a lovely person normally and I love him very much. He has seen several of his friends really regret having a family, and a few have said it's completely ruined their lives, so I think he's got a bit of a one sided view.

Latika123 Thu 25-Jun-15 11:01:00

I was in a similar position 15 years ago, partner didn't want children and I was pregnant. He tried his best to persuade/force me to have an abortion however something inside told me that it would be my only chance to have a child. The relationship lasted 10 years after that however he was never a hands on father during that period. I adore my son - he will be 15 in a few weeks and we have a great relationship.

Yes I very much wish that I had chosen a better father for him, I find myself feeling guilty at birthdays and Christmas that his dad doesn't bother with him, but I have never regretted my decision. He brings love, joy and laughter into my life every day and without him my life would be empty.

Despite trying for another baby after he came along it never happened. I've been in another relationship post his dad and we tried for 12 months to see if we could get pregnant and IT just didn't happen for us. I feel very blessed to have my son and proud that at 21 I was strong enough to make that decision. Spend some time thinking about what you really want, I can easily live without Ds's father, I could never be without ds.

wannaBe Thu 25-Jun-15 11:02:17

If you have sex without using contraception then there is a chance you will get pregnant. If your dp didn't want a baby he should have insisted on wearing a condom or had a vasectomy.

How can you have trapped him into this if you discussed not using contraception six months ago?

If you don't want a termination op then don't have one. Your dp has two choices in this matter, he can either stay around and be a father, or he can leave. but ultimately he will be a father whether he wants that or not. He was there for the act, now he needs to grow up and take responsibility.

Don't let him tell you what you have to do. He chose not to use contraception, he doesn't now get to choose to make you pay for that.

EdSheeransGString Thu 25-Jun-15 11:03:24

His friends say having a family ruined their lives?

I have no words. What a truly disgusting thing to say, I don't even know them but I feel so so sorry for their dc.

How old is your dp? I'm guessing about 16/17.

Lottiedoubtie Thu 25-Jun-15 11:03:31

I think you have to consider how you would feel a couple of years down the line if you do have the abortion. Will you still be happy with him? Or will you start to resent him for persuading you to abort an accidental but wanted child? Only you know how you will feel in this situation but I think this will change your relationship whether you have the baby or not.

flowers it's so hard, but actually it is your body and your decision. He doesn't have a say now. He lost control when he didn't use a condom.

juneau Thu 25-Jun-15 11:06:26

You haven't 'trapped' him into anything FFS! If he didn't want a DC he should, as everyone else has said, used a sodding condom. At the very least! And if he was so against having a baby, why the hell is he trusting the rhythm method of contraception (which is notoriously unreliable), rather than having a vasectomy?

If it was me I'd be pissed with HIM and feel that he was the one playing Russian roulette, rather the other way around. You want a baby, he doesn't, so who should've been scrupulous about contraception - him! He's been an utter arse and now he's blaming you.

OP do what you want to do in your heart of hearts. If you think this might be your only chance to be a mother and you will regret aborting your baby then FGS don't do it. If placating him is the most important thing in your life, well that's your choice.

EdSheeransGString Thu 25-Jun-15 11:09:30

I should add that I've been in a very similar situation and ended up going through with an abortion which I regret to this day.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this and I agree again with the above posters - I'd be furious with him for being a fucking arse and would expect at the very least a grovelling sincere apology and an adult discussion about the future

isupposeitsverynice Thu 25-Jun-15 11:10:57

the worst reason to have a termination is because someone else wants you to. he might resent having a family, but you might well resent having a termination more. get some counselling to help you make the right decision for you, because you're the one who has to live with the decision. I'm fiercely pro choice, btw, but the choice belongs to the pregnant woman and her alone, and continuing a pregnancy is a valid choice if that's what you want to do. best of luck to you flowers

Tmrgl Thu 25-Jun-15 11:13:58

I'm not sure I could get over being accused of deliberately trapping him - can you?
Same goes for being forced in to a termination.
Also - it's not just you who miscalculated your dates, surely if it's that important to him he should have at least joined in with that ( or better still had the snip)

Viviennemary Thu 25-Jun-15 11:14:07

If he doesn't want this baby then that's up to him. If you do then of course you should go ahead. The worst thing would be to have a termination because HE doesn't want a child. He either steps up or doesn't. And if he doesn't that would show his true colours anyway. I hope things work out.

Seriouslyffs Thu 25-Jun-15 11:14:27

He could have had a vasectomy or used condoms. He sounds really awful OP, sorry but I'd go it alone if I were you.

Fleecyleesy Thu 25-Jun-15 11:17:34

I'm sorry but he sounds like a twat who pushes all responsibility onto someone else. I don't mean to be horrible to you but you do sound like you view him through rose coloured glasses.

It's crystal clear that a man in his position, adamant that he never wants children needed to do only one thing - get a vasectomy.

He did not do this. Furthermore, he knowingly had unprotected sex. In your position, there would only be one reason for having an abortion and that would be to get yourself away from a responsibility shirking, immature, stupid and selfish man. Otherwise have your baby, whom you actually want. It is your body.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing Thu 25-Jun-15 11:18:13

so 6 months ago we took the mutual decision to use natural family planning. Fully aware of the risks

That's the crux. He had options to prevent this and instead took a chance.

I am firmly pro-choice. But pro-choice isn't just about being supportive of women's right to an abortion, it's about the right to control YOUR reproductive autonomy. Do not have an abortion for someone else's benefit. If you do, and you realise you'd sooner have had the baby, I guarantee your relationship will not survive.

So given that whatever you decide is potentially going to kill your relationship, your only decision is about whether you want this baby, NOT about keeping your relationship because one way or another your relationship is irrevocably altered from this point on anyway.

seaoflove Thu 25-Jun-15 11:25:31

Well, I think it was selfish of him to make YOU fully responsible for contraception, when he was the one completely against ever having a child. I can't tolerate hormonal contraception either, so I understand why you felt drawn to NFP.

You and he were aware of the risks, so he has some nerve accusing you of trapping him.

If he was so vehemently against having children, he should have taken permanent steps to ensure that he never got anyone pregnant.

Thurlow Thu 25-Jun-15 11:25:51

Having an abortion because you don't feel ready or willing to become a parent? Yes.

Having a termination because someone else wants you to? No way.

He agreed to this choice. He has to accept that it has had a somewhat expected result.

I agree with others. It is sad, and sudden, but this really has put your whole relationship in a new light. Now this decision is about you and this baby.

It's harsh, but you need to think about a few years down the line. Being a single parent (with the good news that you are financially stable and have a good job) or this, perhaps, having been your only chance to be a parent?

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