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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Surgical abortion booked tomorrow

(17 Posts)
Tearsdropping Thu 11-Jun-15 07:52:03

I am 44 and with a heavy heart for many reasons (age included) dh and I have booked in for a surgical termination tomorrow morning.

I will have sedation but unsure if I want GA or mild, dh wants me to have GA but will recovery be longer? I would want to see my dh as soon as after as I understand we will be separated and I would want leave the clinic asap as possible. Does anyone know how long I'd be in recovery for either?

Part of me wants mild sedation so I am fully aware of my decision, the procedure and to feel the feelings ... however GA I fear I wake up panicked... Feel like I've taken the easy route being asleep. Not sure if that makes sense? I've been told mild sedation I may not remember anything anyway is this true?

I am searching for stories of women my age post abortion, to read something that tells me something else but its all similar, my eyes are wide open, life will never be the same, this is the end of the road for us, our family will be complete as it is, there will be no going back only forward.

My heart and head is in conflict, but deep in my heart it's the right thing to do, life will go on eventually right?? But I will accept to take this self inflicted scar on my heart to my grave, I won't ever forget. Dh and I will work to make us stronger, this will drive us to be better parents, people , a better future, but knowingly for this awful sacrifice of what is a gift a blessing, I know I sound torn, is that normal?

Sorry for disjointed garble, thanks for reading, any experiences post would be welcomed, thank you.

thisisnow Thu 11-Jun-15 14:22:02

Hand holding flowers - I hope you're okay as you can be. I had a surgical termination but was put to sleep. It was the only way I could get through it at the time, if I'd have seen what I was doing it would have made it even harder, cowardly I know. I was separated from my Mum who came with me, I think when I came around I was waiting for about an hour before they discharged me. Physically I had no pain whatsoever really, just emotionally it was a massive low.

Life does go on of course, but it's hard to say how you will feel, I was extremely depressed and it took a good 2 months for the grief to lift, I've never felt such raw grief and sadness like that. (I'm still struggling 2 years on but that's because of infertility and my own stupidity sad)

But for others, it's like it never happened, and that's also fine. I had a friend who terminated and she never feels bad about it and rightly so, she knows it was the right decision for her.

I hope your DH is being supportive and please do use this board as it's a great support for anyone that goes through this.

PolterGoose Thu 11-Jun-15 16:23:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stroopwaffel Thu 11-Jun-15 18:55:21

So sorry you're in this position op.

You do sound conflicted, have you spoken to a counsellor? It might help to get your thoughts in order. Absolutely not trying to sway your decision, in either way. Just speaking from my own experience and I wish I had accessed counselling beforehand as I was also conflicted.

Obviously it would mean delaying the procedure and only you know what's right for you. It is so hard.

In terms of the procedure, I had a GA, it was fine, I was only in the recovery room for a short while afterwards, the nurses were very kind.

Physically I felt fine. Emotionally for me the recovery was hard. I believe this is because I was pressured into having the termination and therefore it did not feel like my own true choice.

AnnieLewis Thu 11-Jun-15 19:04:23

I had one under GA and like others have said had avert fast stint in recovery and then was allowed out with someone to keep an eye, which you'll have with your partner.

For me it was absolutely the right choice and it was utterly my decision and I can honestly say I haven't regretted doing it. I've regretted being careless enough to get pregnant in a bad situation, but that's a different thing for me.

You do sound conflicted which I can't imagine helps you to go through this, but I wouldn't punish yourself by being 'conscious' enough to experience/feel what you're doing. FWIW other procedures done under sedation are usually not remembered at all (thinking of people I know who've had laparoscopy's etc)

Good luck for tomorrow.

Tearsdropping Thu 11-Jun-15 19:25:54

Thank you for your replies and being so kind. Yes I do sound conflicted as the fear is so great about dealing with my emotions after tomorrow, I have been here before but it was the right thing to do then, we have had dc after (so will you thisisnow have faith) however this time this is final but the right thing to do for me, for my dh, our family our future. There will be no more after this. We did have a 2 hour profession counselling session so we have discussed our feelings our head our heart.

I was with a friend after school today with her 3 year old and I had zero desire to go back there let alone when I am pushing 48.

Appointment is first thing tomorrow, they said bring pads are the winged ones ok or do I need thick ones? Also loose clothing, I take it I will be in hospital gown so is this for after?

I just need to toughen up but I guess it's the hormones sad

Thank you again.

Stroopwaffel Thu 11-Jun-15 20:47:14

Sounds like you are sure of your decision which is definitely a positive regarding coming to terms with it afterwards.

I have heard it suggested that you write down the reasons and thoughts behind your decision to come back to in the days afterwards when your hormones are all over the place.

Yes you'll be in a hospital gown so comfy clothes for afterwards and pads, I had quite a lot of blood loss so I'd just get the most absorbent ones just in case.

Stroopwaffel Thu 11-Jun-15 20:47:30

Sounds like you are sure of your decision which is definitely a positive regarding coming to terms with it afterwards.

I have heard it suggested that you write down the reasons and thoughts behind your decision to come back to in the days afterwards when your hormones are all over the place.

Yes you'll be in a hospital gown so comfy clothes for afterwards and pads, I had quite a lot of blood loss so I'd just get the most absorbent ones just in case.

silkandsteel83 Thu 11-Jun-15 20:58:17

I have had 2 abortions. The first was with a general anesthetic, was quite nice to come round and know nothing in a way. The second I just had local anesthetic on my cervix and was not sedated in any way. I had it done this way as I had to go to the clinic alone and drive myself home. I personally felt better within myself that I was aware and had to go through it, I kind of felt like I owed that much. So I do see where you are coming from. I think sedation would be a good option. Good luck

silkandsteel83 Thu 11-Jun-15 20:59:17

I mean mild sedation

rememberthisname Fri 12-Jun-15 20:39:09

Hi Tearsdropping,

I hope you are right. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I am 41 and had a termination 10 days ago. We have a 9 and 7 year old and simply didn't want to be parents again at our age. Lots of reasons for that. It's been a tough 10 days and I have regretted my choice many times but now I am 10 days along and the hormones have calmed down I do feel it was the right choice. Just horribly hard and full of very emotion.

I am happy to talk here or via the message service OP if you need.

Tearsdropping Fri 12-Jun-15 21:19:00

remember thank you for sharing, I would be incredibly grateful if we could talk, I will pm you now.

Thank you also stroop and silk

rememberthisname Fri 12-Jun-15 21:22:26

Ok Tears

sebsmummy1 Fri 12-Jun-15 21:27:04

I had a ERPC under GA, because of a MMC (baby was later found to have Downs) I am 40.

Obviously in my case I was very sad as I did want the child, however the procedure itself was absolutely fine. Went in to the ward in the morning and had the OP around 2pm, out at around 5pm.

Felt pretty euphoric as a result of the meds, which is obviously weird as I was actually devastated. Next day I felt a bit low but I had no bad after effects and physically recovered very quickly.

Hand holding. So sorry you have to make the decision but it sounds as though it's the right one for you and your family.

Stroopwaffel Fri 12-Jun-15 21:39:09

Wishing you well OP.
Do continue to talk on this board if it helps, there are some very supportive and kind posters in this section, I've found it a great help.

Softcookie Sun 14-Jun-15 20:28:31

Tearsdropping, I dont know if you went through with your termination on Friday.

But I wanted to add a message - this board has been an incredibly support to me when I was struggling with this choice.

I went through something very similar - got pregnant v unexpectedly at 39, dcs aged 9 and 7, and both dh and I felt very strongly that we couldnt/wouldnt have another child. There were a myriad reasons including our age, our family dynamics, support network, the state of our marriage, etc. It's difficult to pinpoint exactly but it was an awful, awful feeling of simply not being prepared to welcome another child into the world in the way our children had been welcome... and I just didnt think I could cope with being pregnant, giving birth, recovering etc. We were just terrified.

Deciding to terminate was awful. I dont think I ever felt so sad and conflicted in my whole life. In the end I came to terms with the fact that I would rather regret an abortion than regret having another child. I had counselling that really helped me frame my thoughts and emotions and made me realise that wanting to protect what I already have - my children, my marriage, my mental health - is not selfish and not monstruous. Like you I had accepted that I would live with this scar and this grief until the end of my days... interestingly, I used almost exactly the same words.

in the end I started bleeding 2 days before my first appointment (i was booked in for a medical termination), and when I went to the hospital they did a scan that revealed the pregnancy had stopped (no heartbeat) and I was already miscarrying.

I dont want for a second to imply that it's the same thing - it has felt like the biggest mercy that this was taken out of my hands. However I would have terminated, so in a way the result is the same. I was pregnant, and now I'm not. I had made the choice. IN religious terms (I went to confession afterwards...) I had sinned in my thoughts and my intentions.

But what I think matters is that 3 weeks later - I am ok. I am ok with the pregnancy having stopped. I am ok with the baby who never will be. I can be around people with young kids, i can hold babies and cuddle them and feel only (!) the weight of my own, private sadness, rather than regret or longing or "what ifs".

I do hope that whatever you have done, will do or not do... you will be ok, too.

rememberthisname, I hope you are ok, too. Be kind to yourself.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 14-Jun-15 20:43:27

I have PM'd you OP.

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