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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Anniversaries

(12 Posts)
Esssa Tue 12-May-15 12:17:03

Today is the first anniversary of the EDD after the termination I had. I struggled with it for a long time and was just starting to get back to 'normal'. But today it's like it was yesterday it happened and I am struggling to cope. Has anyone else felt like this? Does it get better or will every year be hell?

TheLastPickleInTheJar Tue 12-May-15 15:19:10

Sorry you're feeling so down Essa.

Maybe you should allow yourself to be sad. Mark the day somehow? You could light a candle or something. I can't really help because i still have days of sadness around significant dates too.

Sometimes i think we just have to accept the feelings rather than try to resolve them. As long as it's not interfering with your everyday life of course. If that were the case i would suggest counselling.

I do think the first anniversaries are often the worst. You may find it gets easier with time. It's still relatively recent.

Be kind to yourself thanks

Esssa Tue 12-May-15 18:17:39

Thank you pickle. I'm trying it's just hard having no one I can talk to in RL. They either don't know or think I should be happy with what I've got and over it by now sad

TheLastPickleInTheJar Tue 12-May-15 19:31:38

I'm really sorry you don't have anyone who's sympathetic to talk to. I think it makes it more difficult to get over if you can't talk it through.

Are you looking back with regret at having had a termination or do you just feel sad that it was something you ever had yo do?

You can talk to us here. Even if you feel like you're rambling, utter doesn't matter. We'll listen to you and support you through it.

Termination is a choice that no one ever expects they'll have to make, and just because it's a choice we made it doesn't mean we can't feel sad about it.

Esssa Tue 12-May-15 20:39:23

It's something I never felt I would be able to do. And then I was in a place where it didn't feel like I had any other choice. I stupidly didn't tell anyone but the father who was logistically very supportive throughout but 'wasnt ready' and not particularly emotionally supportive.

I had a miscarriage 5 years before and consoled myself with the cliché 'it wasn't meant to be'. I had nievely thought this would feel similar but it's nothing like. The choice was on me. And I currently feel I made the wrong choice. I've never had the feeling of relief others talk about.

Day to day I carry on but I never have a day I don't think about it. Today it's awful. It's constant. It makes me cry. In a couple of days I hope it will be a thought without tears again.

Sorry for the waffling essay. It does feel better to tell someone. cake all round.

thisisnow Tue 12-May-15 21:50:50

Hope you're okay Esssa. I too have thought about it most days and mine was nearly 2 years ago. Allow yourself to feel as sad as you want. Have you had any counselling?

Esssa Wed 13-May-15 01:00:54

No but I am being pushed to see the Gp by my ex. We are no longer involved but still see each other 6 days a week as we work closely together in a stressful environment. He can't abide the tears so I feel I have to hide them from him but usually fail miserably. He thinks it's more than just sad.

I have recently been sideswiped by him starting a new relationship but am coming out the other side of that now. He doesn't appreciate me so he doesn't deserve me! Still hurts though. The last couple of months we have been back to 'normal' but these past couple of days where always going to be rough.

I'm just exhausted with tuesday and praying for a better wednesday.

TheLastPickleInTheJar Wed 13-May-15 07:40:47

I hope today's a bit better for you.

I understand how you're feeling. I never had the feeling of relief that some talk of either. I feel like it was the wrong decision. I think about it daily even though I've since had a baby. A baby who wouldn't be here had it not been for the termination. Still doesn't make it any easier though.

Counselling may be a good idea even if it just allows you to talk and cry to someone who will listen. There's nothing worse then trying to stifle tears and not feel able to talk. I haven't had counselling but I haven't ruled it out. I think it's something i'd benefit from.

Unfortunately there's nothing we can do other than learn to live with the decision we made. One thing I tell myself is that i don't know what would have happened had we gone down the other path. You don't know how life would have panned out. We make it up in our head because it's a reality that doesn't exist.

thanks

thisisnow Wed 13-May-15 08:11:16

I too never felt relief, only deep sadness and regret. sad

I think a counsellor could be good for you, it's not good to feel like you can't express how you feel to anyone.flowers

Esssa Wed 13-May-15 23:04:46

Thank you for making me feel less alone. I have had a day off doing nothing and it has given me time to think about what I want. I think I'm in a better place emotionally than I was yesterday but will see what happens when life resumes as normal. Thank you for your kind words.

redannie118 Fri 10-Jul-15 20:02:44

On the anniversary of my edd I wrote a letter..everything I wanted to say to my unborn child..pages and pages with lots of tear smudges. I buried it in the garden and planted a holly tree on top of it...holly as its evergreen and I always said if I jad a girl I would call her holly. It was very comforting to me amd whenever I felt sad I would go out and water it...it always made me feel better.maybe you could plant something op,or if you dont have a garden how about a lovely house plant?

Writerwannabe83 Tue 11-Aug-15 09:29:24

Anniversaries are hard.

I never forget the date I had the termination and when the EDD comes around every year I can't help but think about what could have been.

This year was the 14th year since my termination and it was the first time the termination date went past without me realising. When I realised a few days later that I had missed that date I felt angry at myself as I thought it meant that the potential baby had never meant anything to me. Every year I feel like I should grieve on that date and that if I don't it means I'm a bad person.

I know that written down it sounds pretty crazy but it's just a result of the deep sadness I felt for many, many years.

As has been said, all we can do is live with the decision we made but I still feel like I owe it to the baby that never was to remember it and grieve for it every year.

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