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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Abortion or become a single parent?

(20 Posts)
TinyOtter Fri 08-May-15 19:54:06

I'm really stuck as to what I should do. I've been with my 'D'P for 6 years and i'm at my wits end with his selfish behaviour. I'm currently 8 weeks along and suffering from nausea most of the day that it's made me depressed to the point where I struggle to leave the house. Today, he left me with his dog knowing that I would find it hard to to walk her. He was out with his friend, no doubt smoking weed and doing other unproductive, useless bs.

In the end, his dog was crying so much I had to force myself out of the house to give her a quick walk so she could go to the toilet and breathe some fresh air. I'm so angry with him. I can SEE him neglecting this child and leaving all the childcare down to me whilst he's out with his mates smoking dope all day.

The reason why I'm asking if abortion is the right choice is because I'm a student and I want to finish my degree, but I feel this would be very difficult if I had to raise this baby alone. I also have no family to help me; my mum is disabled and I don't have a relationship with my dad, so who would help me?

I know it's not right to ask if I should get an abortion or become a single parent, but I fear I won't be able to provide for my child financially and emotionally as a single parent.

geologyrocks Fri 08-May-15 20:14:00

No one can answer this for you. You have to do what's best for YOU.

I can see that your dp is an arse, you can too. If you realise that you will be alone raising the baby, what do you think of that yourself?

do you see yourself with dp long term? If not, then consider your child having weekend access.

If you see yourself together, do you think he will change?

Inthepastlife34 Fri 08-May-15 20:20:44

I think you have 2 options but they both involve leaving your dp ( as he sounds like a dick ).

You either have to have the baby, be a single parent and possibly delay your degree, or you have an abortion, finish your degree and find a man that treats you with respect.

Only you can make that choice.

GreenFeathers Fri 08-May-15 20:40:46

What's the childcare like at your university? Maybe speak to the support services and find out about that? I think there's often quite a lot of childcare support for student parents.

Sorry you're in this situation. But as pp say you must make this decision as its you who will have to live with the consequences of either option.

Fwiw, a good friend of mine had her dd as a single parent and went on to do a degree with minimal family support.

momtothree Fri 08-May-15 20:57:45

Difficult - with this type of partner it would be easier being a single parent as i doubt he would be much use. Would he be interested in the baby do night feeds buy nappies? How would you feel if he had to take care of a baby on his own? Does he have family? It is possible to finished a degree and have a baby but what do you want for the future - travel.work etc. You have to think of yourself as an unhappy mom will make an unhappy family. Your body your choice.

TinyOtter Fri 08-May-15 21:02:44

Thank you for the quick replies.

I think deep down, I would regret an abortion. The moment I found out I was pregnant I didn't even think about abortion. The last week has reminded my what a selfish person my dp is.

geologyrocks- If I go it alone, I would have to rely on the state. I grew up in poverty so I feel my child would suffer the same horrible fate as me. I'm not sure if he will change tbh.

Greenfeathers- Great to hear about your friend. I guess I have some hope.

TinyOtter Fri 08-May-15 21:07:50

momtothree- I wouldn't trust him to take care of the baby on his own. I have a feeling he'll had the baby over to his dad when things get tough, like he does his dog. I don't like his dad either; he drinks too much and he's verbally abusive. My dp can't even stand it when i cry, I have to hold in my tears when i'm upset, otherwise he tells me to woman up and stop acting like a baby. A crying baby will frustrate him to no end.

momtothree Fri 08-May-15 21:20:14

You have to finish your degree baby or no baby - this is your exit from poverty - if you want out bad enough you will get the life you want. It wont be easy - but motherhood isnt easy. More concerned about your lack of support

GreenFeathers Fri 08-May-15 21:22:52

If your first thought was to keep the baby then I think an abortion could be very hard for you to rationalise.

Of course it would be hard having a baby on your own but from the sounds of it it would be easier than raising a child with your dp..

If you want to keep the baby you can make it work but it will be difficult and I guess you have to go into it expecting the least possible help from your partner.

GreenFeathers Fri 08-May-15 21:27:24

There is additional help available for single parents too,student grants, hardship loans etc and help with childcare costs.

aprilmoon Fri 08-May-15 21:47:04

I had my DD in the first year of my degree and got lots of help so I could continue - housing, extra student grants, benefits, childcare, longer deadlines. I had no support from DD's dad (no maintenance and no contact) and no support from family. But I got managed to get a first and go on to do a funded MSc. There is a huge amount of support to help you if you want to go ahead with this pregnancy.

I had to rely on the state for some time, but now I have a lovely DH who supports all of us and we no longer claim anything. You shouldn't assume that just because you need support from welfare for a few years, that it is a trap you can't get out of. You should go to your uni student services to find out what help is available and make sure you make the most of what is out there.

DuckChowMein Sat 09-May-15 08:48:50

There must be help for people in your position. I just don't know what there is <helpful>.

I agree, talk to your university. They may be able to offer some help with childcare.

It won't necessarily be easy but if you feel you want this baby it would be wrong to abort.

And i agree with pp about your partner. You need to get rid. If you stay with him you'll still feel like a single parent anyway so what's the point of staying with him? If he can't be trusted with a dog he can't be left in charge of a baby.

thanks

DuckChowMein Sat 09-May-15 08:54:52

Reading back my post it sounds harsh. It wasn't meant to. I find it difficult typing on this phone so i think i tend to get to the point and only write what's necessary!

I'm sorry you're in this position. You sound sensible and there is some good advice on this thread.

Wrt leaving your 'd'p, will he make it a problem for you? I'm conscious that i don't want to advise you to do something that could put you in danger.

thanks Look after yourself.

wickedwaterwitch Sat 09-May-15 08:56:51

In your position I wouldn't have a baby. Not with this selfish man. Not if you're a student. Not if you can't support yourself. You need to do what's right for you though.

Kvetch15 Sat 09-May-15 09:06:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TinyOtter Sat 09-May-15 19:05:58

Thanks all.

I'll see what my University can do but right now i'm considering transferring my credits to the Open University so I can be at home to look after my baby (by myself without the partner) and study. So I do have a few options.

I just felt like people would judge me for living in social housing, but I guess I shouldn't care.

Kvetch- I think seeing my baby's heartbeat is/has stopped me from thinking about terminating the pregnancy.

GreenFeathers Sat 09-May-15 19:12:08

Glad you're feeling better about things op.

You could also claim housing benefit and stay in your current place? If your partner would move out that is.

Studying via OU is a great alternative.

Wishing you a healthy pregnancy.

feerouge Sun 10-May-15 10:50:41

Good luck from your post it looks to me that you are very strong and ready to face the challenges. Keep posting and getting support from mumsnet and try to find mums club in your area to get support there too! Having a baby can give you another reason to strive for a good job. If you have a strong mind you can do anything. But there will be many sleepless nights, so you should keep finishing your studies as a strong clear objective whatever happens and if you feel tired or like you can't do it, keep coming here for support. You have a strong mind, but i agree with the others, finishing your studies is the most important thing.

specialsubject Fri 15-May-15 21:00:33

whatever you decide about the baby (And the choice is basically what you say in your title), jettison this useless lump of lard YESTERDAY.

he is cruel to a dog - how will he treat a baby?

good luck in whatever you decide - but please lose this man, don't waste any more time on him.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Fri 15-May-15 21:20:30

I have been raising my child on my own for many years, I wouldn't say that it has been easy, far from it but, I can say that it became easier once my selfish exH moved out. Simply put, I had one less child to deal with so contrary to what I expected everything became more manageable once I was on my own.

I shall say that I have no family around, so knowing what you would get into, I can say that is doable, even finishing your degree, but you need to be very strong, focused and above all, organised in order to manage on your own. You will also need a very strong network of support (friends preferably with children too) to make up for the lack of family support (You will get that network very easily once your child is born if you hang around with other mums at baby groups or join the National Child Birth Trust.

Having said that, this is a decision that defines the course of your life, so do think it thoroughly and do what works best for you. But whatever you do, end that relationship with that selfish weed smoker looser partner, he has far more potential to ruin your life and keep you in poverty than a baby. Honest.

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