This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

husband doesn't want baby, I do

(66 Posts)
muddypuddles01 Tue 31-Mar-15 06:48:07

We have been married a long time and already haveca gorgeous 5 year old.

I discovered a few weeks ago that I was 8 weeks pregnant. Bid had an op and forgot to restart my pill after the 7 day break. It took a couple of weeks for me to find the courage to tell him, and for me to adapt. In tbecdnd he guessed because I'd stopped drinking.

He is adament that he doesn't want it. He thinks I did it on purpose (as we rarley have sex). He feels we are only just getting our life back on track after our son and he doesn't want to go through the baby stage again, he says our son is perfect and it won't compare, that he doesn't want a girl, he won't come round to the idea and that he doesn't want it. We don't have family nearby to help and he says we can't afford it (we live comfortably so if we wanted to, we could).

I have gone through the motions to arrange a termination and have it booked for 7th. I really don't want to go through it, I had o e when one I was 22 because we both felt we were too young. I've always been sadanout that and do sometimes think I'd have a 17 year old now, but in my heart I don't know how I would have managed. This one is different. I eantvit and I've checked with the doctor and have been assured that the post op pillspills wouldn't have caused any problems.

If I go ahead with the pregnancy I feel I will be on my own, even if we continue living together. I worry about the impact ony son and the baby, my h said there will be bad blood between us and that he'll feel trapped and manipulated into it - and I know that he doesn't react well in these circumstances.

This is such s mess. I'm in bits when I see or hear anything baby related and found myself lying to the nursecst Marie stopes - have I made my decision 'yes' (no), is my mental health at risk by continuing with the pregnancy 'yes' (no - other way round).

Just want to cry.

quietlysuggests Tue 31-Mar-15 07:03:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

muddypuddles01 Tue 31-Mar-15 07:39:37

He was difficult to be with after our son, he was stressed because he wasn't working and, as he'd spent a lotvof time doing up the house, he would get verbally aggressive and sometimes kick me if I spilt tea or caused any other damage. Sites, you could say he is can be a total arse. I think one of the reasons I delayed telling him was because I was so worried about his reaction - and although he was shocked he wasn't aggressive towards me, just kept saying I need to ' sort it out'.

muddypuddles01 Tue 31-Mar-15 07:40:24

He's not having an affair - he is very loyal.

SecretSpy Tue 31-Mar-15 07:43:57

Do you think that the relationship is retrievable if you went ahead with the termination? I suspect probably not.

In which case if you want to keep the baby, and it sounds like you do, perhaps make your decision based on what you want/need. I'm sorry, it sounds really hardthanks

TheWhiteRoad Tue 31-Mar-15 07:44:07

He kicked you while you were pregnant with your son? Jesus.

And now he's blaming you for becoming pg and pressuring you into an abortion you do not want.

He sounds horrible OP.

I would seriously reconsider your future with this man.

SocksRock Tue 31-Mar-15 07:44:34

He kicked you?!? That is awful. It doesn't matter how much time spent, that is totally unacceptable. In context, my husband spent two weekends plastering and painting a wall. Three days later I tripped and put my shoulder through it. His only reaction was to sigh and get the polyfiller out to repair it.

This sounds like a horrible situation, can you talk to the marie stopes person again? Even if you just write it down so you don't have to say it out loud.

NotAnotherNewNappy Tue 31-Mar-15 07:47:52

Keep the baby, ditch your husband - it sounds like your marriage will be irretrievable anyway. Your DS will love having a baby sister/brother. I'm sorry you are going through this flowers

Cookiecake Tue 31-Mar-15 07:52:07

Him kicking you is disgusting behavior. it sounds as if you would not be safe if you go ahead with the pregnancy and you should not feel like you have to go ahead with the abortion for him. The fact you felt so scared telling him speaks volumes.

I think you need to work out what it is YOU want to do, sounds as if you want to keep the baby. You then need to work out if this would be possible and how things would work, financially and emotionally. Do you have family and friends around to support you?

You really do have to do what's right for you and this man sounds rather horrible and nasty, nobody should be kicked at any point by anyone else it is just completely unexceptable.

YoureAMeanGirl Tue 31-Mar-15 07:58:11

You need to leave. He is abusive.

Your son could see this and think it's appropriate behaviour. If you do go through with this child, he will make them feel unloved from the sound of it. If you terminate, you will be filled with such negative feelings towards him that you will probably end up leaving anyway.

muddypuddles01 Tue 31-Mar-15 08:57:16

Thank you for your support. The physical abuse was a couple of years ago, when our son was 1 and 2. I left him for a few days and agreed to try again, it was a real shock for him and he had been better since then.

I have Max an appointment to speak to a Marie stopes councillor tomorrow.

Box5883284322679964228 Tue 31-Mar-15 09:06:41

Choose your baby and not your husband

VinoTime Tue 31-Mar-15 09:14:38

Keep the baby. It sounds like tiny is very much wanted by you and you'd really regret terminating. It'll be a lovely little baby brother or sister for your DS and he will absolutely dote on him/her.

Tell the husband to fuck off. You don't stay with an abusive man, OP. Get shot of him ASAP.

YoureAMeanGirl Tue 31-Mar-15 09:44:24

I'm sure they will give you good advice.

If necessary, you can do this alone. don't let him make you do something you're not happy with

notasleep Tue 31-Mar-15 18:27:23

I'm sorry your h is so unsupportive and has been abusive in the past.

Don't let him pressure you into this. He is not worth losing a wanted baby for...youR ds will adapt and he's old enough to understand and even get excited about a sibling.

I was pressured into a termination and I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

Do you have family support? Can you talk to anyone in rl?

muddypuddles01 Tue 31-Mar-15 19:34:08

There isn't anyone I feel I can talk too, it's why I used this site. It's helpful and helps me to reflect on how I'm feeling.

expatinscotland Tue 31-Mar-15 19:36:28

I would ring them, tell them you want to go alone, and tell them he is abusive.

KitZacJak Wed 01-Apr-15 14:29:52

Poor you. The baby is there now so whether it was planned or not he has no right to make you have an abortion.

Really, do what your heart tells you on this one. Regretting having an abortion is a horrible place to be in. Thinking of you and hoping you manage to make the right choice for you.

notasleep Wed 01-Apr-15 17:05:05

Did the counselling help today op?

specialsubject Fri 03-Apr-15 17:37:34

you are the pregnant one and the decision is 100% yours.

do abusive men ever change? Sounds like you are living in fear again. No-one should have to live like that.

I wish you the very best.

tobysmum77 Sat 04-Apr-15 08:36:16

wow he sounds charming. A locksmith is needed, and a large holdall. Then you need to decide whether to go ahead with your pregnancy.

Koalafications Sat 04-Apr-15 08:44:19

I think you should be honest with the Marie Stopes nurses.

You should do what you feel comfortable with. It's your body. Don't go through with a termination unless it's what you want.

VixxFace Sat 04-Apr-15 09:08:29

terminate him and keep your baby

zippey Sat 04-Apr-15 10:39:33

It sounds like you want to keep the baby, and it will probably be great for your current child to have a sibling. It also sounds like your husband will start the abusive cycle if you decide to go against his wishes.

If your husband was different, supportive, how would you feel about being pregnant?

muddypuddles01 Mon 06-Apr-15 18:47:49

Counseling helped. She said to think about what I could do.

I told him tonight that I couldn't go through with abortion tomorrow. He's been shouting and said I did it on purpose, that I need to deal with it. That's its not fair on our son and if I had it it would break us.

He said I would just need to deal with. He doesn't want it and isn't interested at all. He doesn't want to be dealing with a 6 year old and 1year old - they'd be arguing about the telly and that it wouldn't be fair to tell our son he couldn't do stuff because of the baby.

This is so horrible. I don't want us to break up, have rows but I don't want termination either.

So sad and confused.

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