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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

43 years old, looks as though contraception has failed. Can anyone talk?

(13 Posts)
QuantumCat Sat 03-Jan-15 13:10:13

I don't know where to put myself at the moment. I am having all the symptoms of pregnancy, but it's too soon to test. Possibly conceived 9 days ago. I have two DCs already, and the youngest has just started school, so I am just beginning to reclaim some of my own life after the demanding baby/toddler years.

I don't know what I need from this thread really, perhaps just a place to talk. The bpas and marie stopes offer counselling once pregnancy is confirmed, but it could take several days to get a positive test. If it does turn out positive. But I have nausea, abdominal cramps (implantation?) and sore breasts, and I don't think I can hold on to the theory that it's just a stomach bug.

DH is supportive, but also conflicted. His religious beliefs put him more in the pro-life camp, but at the same time he doesn't want another child. At this moment I don't think I want another child either, but my focus is on the practicalities - physical impact and risks of pregnancy at my age, and how it would impact on our other DCs, finances, work, etc. So I think at the moment we are dealing with this on different levels.

As yet I don't feel any strong emotional response, though maybe that will come later. My main feeling at the moment is that I don't want this to be happening to me, and I am fearful of making the wrong choice.

Can anyone help me to straighten out my head, or at least give me any tips for getting through the next few days of uncertainty?

steppeupunderthemisletoe Sat 03-Jan-15 13:20:56

So sorry you find yourself in this position, haven't got much useful to say, just didn't want your post to go unanswered.

Did you have symptons this early in previous pregnancies, because it is pretty unusual to have such strong symptons this early. Did you definitely have contraception failure?

QuantumCat Sat 03-Jan-15 13:35:47

Thanks for taking time to reply, steppe.

I was telling myself for a couple of days that it must be a bug, as it would be too early for these symptoms, but the sore breasts are a bit of a giveaway I think. I did have pronounced implantation cramps with both previous pregnancies, the first time I mistook it for period pain as it was closer to the date my period was due. But over the past few years my cycle has shortened, and I think the result of that is that I am ovulating earlier too. So my period is still a week off, but I'm having definite period-like cramps.

thisisnow Sat 03-Jan-15 13:40:18

Hope you are okay. My advice would be don't go into panic mode, let things sit with you for a few days and then see how you feel. (Easier said than done I know).

Don't be fearful of making the wrong choice because there isn't a right choice in these situations.

madwomanacrosstheroad Sat 03-Jan-15 13:55:45

What choice you will ultimately make is of course entirely up to you, however I would not get to hung up on the age thing.
My youngest DD was born when I was 44. As someone who has had babies in her twenties, thirties and forties I have to say there was no big difference physically.
Yes the risks are slightly greater as you (and your eggs) are older but the difference is not as big as people imagine, assuming you have had uneventful pregnancies before.
What does rise massively though is the risk of miscarriage. There is nothing you can do about that.
I had another (surprise) pregnancy at 45 which ended in late miscarriage/stillbirth as the baby had Downs. I had not known that 80% of babies with downs are spontaneously miscarried / stillborn.
Whatever you do, good luck, but don't worry about your age.

madwomanacrosstheroad Sat 03-Jan-15 13:56:53

Also some of the poundshops do fairly good early tests.

vitaminC Sat 03-Jan-15 14:03:42

I don't know what to advise you are pregnant, but just wanted to let you know that pregnancy-like symptoms can be common in the peri-menopause years, as a result of hormone inbalances (oestrogen dominance, primarily).

So before you start panicking and making plans, you need to find out if you actually are pregnant! Tomorrow you could probably try testing with one of the more sensitive brands.

And if you do end up with a positive test and decide you want the pregnancy to continue, get in to see a doctor ASAP, as you will probably need progesterone supplements to carry to term, in your 40s.

Good luck, OP, whatever you end up doing!

madwomanacrosstheroad Sat 03-Jan-15 14:04:41

Also I found that as my cycles shortened with perimenopause my premenstrual symptoms increasingly mimicked early pregnancy.

3littlefrogs Sat 03-Jan-15 14:11:52

I had my 3rd DC at 42.
My first 2 are much older, and it was a huge shock to find myself pregnant again (contraception failure).

However, I am so, so glad I have my youngest. I wouldn't change a thing.

Don't make any decisions in haste.

Do a test as soon as you can, then talk it through with your DH.

QuantumCat Sat 03-Jan-15 14:52:27

Thanks all for your replies. I hadn't really considered perimenopause, as up to now I have had very regular cycles. I guess it's possible, but I'm wary of clutching at straws and convincing myself that all is OK. Everyone is right though, the best course of action is not to panic, take a test, and then deal with the result.

I think it's the uncertainty that's the worst thing, and the feeling of everything being out of control. Even though logically it doesn't make any difference if I wait a few days, I know I will feel so much better once I have a plan, whatever it may be.

QuantumCat Fri 16-Jan-15 14:02:02

I thought I should come back and update this thread. Since my previous post, I spent a nervous week testing every couple of days, but didn't get a positive result - then started having cramps and bleeding, a few days before my period would have been due. So it seems safe to say that I'm not pregnant now.

I don't know if I had conceived but it failed to progress, or whether it was some perimenopausal strangeness, but I have to say my overwhelming feeling is of relief that any decision has been taken out of my hands.

I am hugely, hugely grateful to the women on this board and elsewhere who have posted about their experiences, some of which must have been so difficult to write about. I found it immensely helpful, just to hear people express views that were unclouded by the sentiment/judgement that so often follows this subject.

The efforts of posters badgering MNHQ to get this board set up was inspiring in itself. Huge thanks to you all. flowers

3littlefrogs Fri 16-Jan-15 17:32:08

QuantumCat

Some things are just not meant to be.
Thank you for coming back.
I am sure that others on this thread have been thinking of you and wondering how you are.
flowers

MinceSpy Fri 16-Jan-15 17:40:07

Glad you got a result your okay with.

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