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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

am i wrong not to tell dp ?

(58 Posts)
chdmum2491 Wed 31-Dec-14 08:33:53

that i want an abortion ?! sad

Branleuse Wed 31-Dec-14 08:40:46

its not illegal to not tell him, and the rest is relative really.
What makes you not want to tell him?

chdmum2491 Wed 31-Dec-14 08:43:16

he wants a baby
but after mc few months ago and me not being devastated think ive realised too late im happy as we are

loudarts Wed 31-Dec-14 08:45:14

It's a tough one really, it is your body and therefore your choice, however do you really think you could keep something like this a secret from him?

chdmum2491 Wed 31-Dec-14 08:45:57

yeah it will devastate him if i tell him so i cant !

PotteringAlong Wed 31-Dec-14 08:50:51

Does he know you're pregnant? If you don't tell him will you have to have the baby or could you have an abortion without him knowing?

Fairylea Wed 31-Dec-14 08:53:10

Do you mean you've changed your mind about ever wanting children? Because that's a very big deal if he desperately wants them and something you need to discuss with him, irrelevant of what you decide to do regarding this pregnancy.

Roonerspism Wed 31-Dec-14 08:54:26

I think it is wrong not to tell him, sorry.

It will come out in the future if you don't and I imagine he will be very upset you didn't at least tell him

Roonerspism Wed 31-Dec-14 08:55:41

Why have you changed your mind so quickly? Are you sure you have? I feel quite scared the first few weeks of my pregnancy before feeling very happy.

chdmum2491 Wed 31-Dec-14 08:56:05

no he doesnt know im pregnant
he knows im not keen on more kids we already have one dd3 but she has health problems and everybody knows how hard it was and still is so he understands me not wanting more, he isnt desparate for another just would like in his words !

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn Wed 31-Dec-14 08:57:19

Whilst it is your body and your choice, I think you need to tell him. You don't deceive or lie to your partner IMO.

Questor Wed 31-Dec-14 08:57:34

It is morally extremely dubious to not tell him and have an abortion then carry on in a relationship with him. Not really fair at all.

Aren't you going to have to tell him you don't want to carry on trying for kids anyway? What will he do in response to that? He may want to leave an find someone who wants kids anyway. You really need to let him have the choice too.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 31-Dec-14 08:58:38

Agree with Fairylea. If you've discovered you don't want kids and he definitely does - that's a huge incompatibility that you need to discuss with him.

With regards to your current pregnancy, it's your body and your decision. No one can force you to do something you don't want to do. However, I would think very carefully about an abortion and not telling your DP. If you had an abortion and then he talked you round into having children then you would be wracked with guilt.

You need to figure out if you're having a wobble or if you've decided you don't want kids, ever.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 31-Dec-14 08:59:36

Cross posts.

Questor Wed 31-Dec-14 08:59:39

Just seen your latest update, seriously you should have been more responsible with birth control if you feel like that.

chdmum2491 Wed 31-Dec-14 09:02:08

thanks for all your responses but he says hes happy with our one dd he would like another but knows im not keen and i dont understand why it would come out at some point in the future ? nobody knows except me confused

chdmum2491 Wed 31-Dec-14 09:04:04

questor dont you think i know that ?angry

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn Wed 31-Dec-14 09:05:53

How would you feel if he kept an equally huge secret from you?

Secrets have a habit of coming out when you least expect.

chdmum2491 Wed 31-Dec-14 09:07:17

if it were him id say his choice, so what would be the point in him telling me when i might get upset ? he would say the same, i still dont understand how it will come out if im the only person who knows hmm

Viviennemary Wed 31-Dec-14 09:09:11

Some people could no doubt carry off this deceit. It's up to you in the end though. I agree these secrets have a way of coming out.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn Wed 31-Dec-14 09:28:35

Why are you asking when you don't want to hear what people are saying?

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn Wed 31-Dec-14 09:31:59

i still dont understand how it will come out if im the only person who knows

Unless you are planning a DIY termination, you are not the only person who knows and there will be written correspondence and notes in your medical records.

juicycelebrity Wed 31-Dec-14 09:35:12

You seem to have already made up your mind. I agree with those saying that you should really discuss this with your partner. This would be a huge secret to keep and very divisive in your relationship.

Only1scoop Wed 31-Dec-14 09:39:37

You seem to have made up your mind....logistically you may need help at home if you chose a medical termination. You will need support to and from clinic if you have a surgical procedure and someone to keep an eye on you.

HoggleHoggle Wed 31-Dec-14 09:50:17

I think it's absolutely your decision to have a termination. But I think your dp deserves to know. It's just respectful to inform him of your decision because even though it's your body, and ultimately, your choice, it DOES affect him. It is his child too. I don't understand why you would knowingly go behind his back. If he understands your feelings re another child as you say he does, what would be the problem in telling him in any case? He will surely understand, sad as he may be at the decision?

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