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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Booked a termination after Christmas....

(20 Posts)
Katie192 Sat 20-Dec-14 15:55:39

Hi I'm new to all of this but I don't really have anyone to talk to at home.
I'm 22 and a first year student nurse, I have a lovely two year old and things seem to be getting back on track after my partner lost his job and we where evicted earlier this year. This was untill last weekend when I find out I'm pregnant again... I don't know what to do, my partner dosnt want this baby as he struggles to support us as it is, he is also looking to join the Navy soon so would be going away. I am so torn, I think of having this baby and I cry, I think about going to the clinic and I cry. Looking at my gorgeous little girl breaks my heart because I know she started no bigger! I feel like I'm a monster.

gaggiagirl Sat 20-Dec-14 16:00:39

You are not a monster.
You need to do what's right for your family.

Katie192 Sat 20-Dec-14 16:05:08

Didn't ever really think termination would be this horrible... Sounds so silly now officially walking a mile in someone else's shoes sad

gaggiagirl Sat 20-Dec-14 16:08:53

Being a nurse I presume you're fully aware of the procedure the nhs website can give you a full run down of what to expect if not.
How many weeks are you?

Namehanger Sat 20-Dec-14 16:14:37

Don't want to read and run.

I have two boys, though a lot older than you. I had a termination about 6 years ago. We could have coped but it would have been tough.

I forgave myself before the termination, mine was on Dec 14th. This is the first year that I haven't thought about it.

I think the most important thing is to make it your choice, not your hubbies, not some random voices on the Internet. You will survive if you have it and also if you don't. But what will be tough is if you feel pressurised.

You are a scared young woman, feeling alone. Luckily there are great support services, if you need to talk then phone the samatarians, they will let you talk, won't judge and won't offer a solution. You don't need to be suicidal, just in need of solace.

XX

notsorosyalways Sat 20-Dec-14 16:15:24

Hi there
You are not a monster, you are a woman trapped in a really hard situation. Whatever you decide, noone worthwhile will judge you.
This is a huge decision. I would strongly suggest you get independent counselling for it as you are the one that will have to live with a termination or an extra child. I know there are charities who give counselling, I don't know if they could help. Obviously don't go anywhere pro-life.
I think it is important that you make the decision for you - not for your partner or even your other child. It is you who has to live with it either way. Many men are reluctant to have more children, and then adjust; alternately extra pressure can break up a relationship.
I felt I ought to consider a termination with my last third child, as my partner wasn't coping. It became clear after talking to a friend that I absolutely didn't really want to - just felt I ought to - and I chose the baby first. The partner left, and honestly that was for the best. On the other hand, my best friend, also a nurse, had an abortion aged 21. It did haunt her, but she also felt she had done the right thing, and in time she came to terms with it.
Some people believe the spirit of a child will come to you again in another pregnancy.
See if you can take some time for yourself to work out how YOU feel. And whilst you are deciding, take it easy; life will be demanding for a few months to come, whatever you decide.
And remember the samaritans tend to be great people to talk to in a crisis - and may have the numbers of counselling charities.
Do post as many times as you need to. Sending you blessings and a hug, xx

Katie192 Sat 20-Dec-14 16:44:06

Thank you for your helpful responses. I do know what the procedure involves, as I'm 7 weeks it will more than likely be a medical termination to trigger a 'miscarriage'. I think that's the other thing that is troubling me I have met so many women on placement that have suffered the horror of miscarriage and still birth and here i am devasted I'm pregnant! My partner says he would support me if I decided against it but I know he is sorta hoping I don't. It's such a hard decision to make in such a short period of time as well. Counselling was never mentioned to me when I saw the gp so it something I think I definetly need to look at. Thanks again for listening to me, it means so much xxxx

notsorosyalways Sat 20-Dec-14 18:09:00

and do post again if you need to, i will try and keep an eye on this thread. it is not easy having such a huge decision at christmas. it sounds as if your partner will support you either way, which is fantastic. perhaps you could try and make some time to talk together about what you both feel, trying not to be judgemental or too scared of either position - coming through this together will be important, and talking to the person closest to you can sometimes really clarify feelings. try not to feel guilty about your feelings of NOT wanting this pregnancy, these are understandable and common feelings and you are more likely to work out what you really want if you can voice all your feelings.
your gp should have a counsellor attached to their practice but i think your best bed may be to find an independent charity to talk to - but check they have no bias.
take the best of care of yourself xx

Namehanger Sun 21-Dec-14 08:03:52

Good luck Katie, it's great your hubby is supporting you. Big Christmas hugs.

Solasum Sun 21-Dec-14 21:40:05

Before this happened, did you think you might have more children in the future?

If you were to have the baby, I am sure you would not be the first student nurse to take a year off on maternity leave. Does where you are studying have support for student parents? There is no reason to think you would not be able to work as a nurse if you had another baby, it would just take a bit longer to qualify.

flowers

Katie192 Mon 22-Dec-14 01:00:51

Have had a really rough day today, spoke to OH about whether he is having any doubts about the route we are going down and he got really upset at me for bringing it up. I was totaly gob smacked, he seemed really cold about the whole thing as if we have made the decision and that's it. Feel even more lost than I did, i never expected this from him, even a few days ago he seemed accepting in me not being 100% yet. This has added even more pressure into the mix but has honestly really made me question why I don't want this Baby. Yes I am really worried if I can cope with another baby, money, study and living conditions are all massive factors in this but I think maybe I have been scared of doing it all myself and he sort of proved this today... In a way I am glad he has done a 180, its not the first time he has crumbled in a crisis and I have had to pick up the peices. From today I know this is my choice and he will play no role in it either way. I refuse to be guilted or pressured into something I don't want!
Sorry for the rant but had to vent somewhere xxx

thisisnow Mon 22-Dec-14 10:16:28

I hope you're okay flowers, you really have to put yourself and your feelings first. It may be that your OH is just as scared and confused as you are. Still no excuse for his behaviour I know.

Definitely consider counselling, I had a great counsellor before and after termination and it really helped me get my head around things.

lemisscared Mon 22-Dec-14 10:21:25

flowers

I really think you need to get some counselling before you do this, you have so many doubts and you need to be sure. Does the clinic offer this service?

So sorry you are going through this.

Littleturkish Mon 22-Dec-14 10:30:51

Definitely investigate the counselling. It is totally normal to be unsure, I'm so sorry your partner has made you feel alone.

Katie192 Mon 22-Dec-14 22:57:59

I can understand why he is scared but it's just not fair to be like he has been. Almost feel now thats he is pressuring me. I am going to phone the clinic in the morning and see about counselling , I have to go in on Christmas eve for a scan and blood tests so hopefully I can speak to someone.
This sounds silly but does anyone know if the fetus will feel anything during a termination? I have been looking for information online about the procedure in detail and was very disturbed by comments made by what was looked like pro life campaigners. I have tried to search for more on it but only find information written by pro life groups ect. Sorry if I sound crazy or upset anyone by asking, just not sure if any ladies on here know anything about that specifically. Xxx

thisisnow Sun 28-Dec-14 17:35:54

How are you feeling Katie? I think it's best not to look up "what happens to the fetus" etc, I think it will just make things harder for you and there are a lot of scare stories out there by pro-life campaigners etc.

PeachOwl Tue 30-Dec-14 12:08:54

Hope you're ok Katie. I'm sure the fetus can't feel anything as it is nowhere near fully formed and you're still at a stage where a natural loss is common.

I think that counseling would be helpful for you, as you sound quite upset. My dh's inability to cope with a third was a factor in my termination (he had quite severe depression afterthe birth of both our dc and found each pregnancy difficult as I was very ill and in hospital for huge chunks) and my counselor spent ages talking this through with me and, a year later, I know we made the right choice and I also now am happy that, even if I could safely get through another pregnancy, dh's mental health means I wouldn't choose to now. I think you need to be sure you can live with the choice (either way) as doing it for your do will lead to resentment eventually. I know I didn't listen to people's advice to make a choice for ME not my family and now I can see why that's important, which I couldn't before. Life seems to go on regardless for everyone else , even your partner, so you need to be as sure as possible you made the choice you can live with.
I hope that makes sense and sounds as I meant it. flowers

Katie192 Fri 02-Jan-15 20:39:09

Hi,
Just want to say thank you for everyone's support and input on this thread. I did go through with the termination on Tuesday. Still feel a bit raw emotionaly. I am sure that it was probably the right thing to do although something I never wish to experience again. Unfortunately it has put my relationship into perspective, OH was not very supportive through the procedure itself and has not spoken a word about it since. I understand he has his reasons but still don't think his behaviour has been at all acceptable. I just need to concentrate on healing atm though, looking forward to a fresh start this new year.
Once again thank you for ur time and support xxx

FriedFishAndBread Fri 02-Jan-15 20:44:58

Hi, I had a termination around this time last year, horrible time to be pregnant and not want to be.

I feel either way you live with it forever and if you went through with it it was the right thing to do. I don't regret mine, I may have a few pangs now and again but that's fine I know I'm always going to.

Littleturkish Fri 02-Jan-15 21:54:54

Best of luck for the future, Katie- I hope you are getting the support you need, even if it isn't from your OH.

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