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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

I found out my daughter had an abortion.

(57 Posts)
figray Mon 15-Dec-14 10:01:29

I posted last year that my daughter who was 19 at the time was pregnant. Well it is unbelievable what happened after that, a few days later she told me it was a false alarm and her period had started. Like a fool I believed her and thought that was the end of it.
It wasn't as I later found out she had been pregnant all along and had an abortion without anyone knowing except for her and her boyfriend. This all came out when they had a fall out this year.
The thing is I am so angry and sad about it. Not just the fact she had it but the lying to me. She claims she lied as she didn't want me upset but I know it's because she knew I would try to talk her out of it.
I've got to pretend everything is ok when really I have become very depressed about it all. On top of that I have to go to my sisters at Christmas and be all happy about her new grand daughter who is 6 months old. My grandchild would have been the same age.

I know most people will say it's her life and her decision, I agree with that she's an adult and I am pro choice.
I just can't get over the sadness and depression and have said some awful things to her about it.

magpieginglebells Mon 15-Dec-14 10:06:21

Your poor daughter not feeling she could get support from you so she didn't tell you and when you found out she was proved right.

If you have been giving her grief about her decision and you want any relationship with her in the future then you need to really and honestly apologise. You're running the risk of not having anything to do with any children she may have in the future.

PandaNot Mon 15-Dec-14 10:07:53

She didn't need to tell anyone about it at all. She might have been too busy coping with her own feelings to worry about what you might have to say.

SantasBassoon Mon 15-Dec-14 10:12:56

Are you sure you'd have been pleased about your daughter having an unplanned baby at nineteen, or would you have just been angry and disappointed in a different way?

juneau Mon 15-Dec-14 10:13:33

From what you've just said I can totally understand why she didn't confide in you, because you cannot see things from anyone's perspective except your own!

Your poor DD, not only going through this without the support of her mother, but also now having had horrible things said to her. You need to get over yourself and find a little empathy. This is not and never was about you and what you wanted. You owe your DD a huge apology and if you don't give her one I suspect your relationship will never recover.

OddFodd Mon 15-Dec-14 10:15:14

Of course it's her life and her decision. Your reaction is exactly why she lied to you. I'm afraid she was right to. This is not about you.

BaronessBomburst Mon 15-Dec-14 10:15:53

I'm going to say this gently because you are clearly upset, but you are being totally unreasonable. A grandchild is not a plaything. You want the fun and excitement of a small child from time to time, but this would have been your daughter's life, not something she could hand back on a Sunday afternoon. She felt she didn't want/ couldn't cope with a child at this stage in her life/ relationship and did what was best for her. Surely you would want the best for your daughter too, and so should support her decision.

DandyHighwayman Mon 15-Dec-14 10:17:57

Oh man

The termination wasn't your call

I feel that you need to apologise profusely and be prepared for a long term haul back to a reasonable relationship with your daughter

Don't make her responsible for your happiness, that lies with you alone

lemisscared Mon 15-Dec-14 10:17:59

I understand your feelings i really do. It must be really difficult but please try and get past this. Don't let your dd see you upset about this or it will damage your relationship. I err more towards pro life than pro choice however i would never impose my views on others as it is their decision to make.

I am a strong believer in fate and if there was meant to be a baby there would have been. It just wasn't the right time. Xx

ArsenicStew Mon 15-Dec-14 10:18:10

and have said some awful things to her about it.

You'd better apologise then.

ReallyTired Mon 15-Dec-14 10:20:26

I feel very sorry your daughter. Why don't you think about her and what she wants out of life rather than just thinking about yourself. Maybe you would like a grandchild but it is understandable that she did not feel ready to be a mother at 19. She needs non judgemental emotional support at what must be a difficult time for HER. Think about her needs.

I suggest you talk to your GP about your own depression otherwise it will destroy any relationship you have with your daugther.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 15-Dec-14 10:21:39

I am going to say it despite you being upset

You are making this all about you and you sound fucking horrible

If you still have any relationship at all with your daughter, I suggest you count yourself lucky

Lottapianos Mon 15-Dec-14 10:22:03

Your daughter made what she felt was the right decision at the time, and good for her. She took control of the situation. I would be proud of her if she was my daughter. You seem to have lost sight of your daughter in all the sentimentality about your grandchild.

You can't help how you feel, but you must not burden your daughter with this. A friend of mine had a miscarriage this year and her mother cannot stop talking to her about how sad and shocked she feels about it. It's driving her mad and bringing it up when she doesn't want to think about it is not helping her own grief. So let your feelings out with a friend, or someone else you can confide in, but you must support your daughter through this, not judge her for it. She has done absolutely nothing wrong, and didnt' have to tell you about it at all.

MistAndAWeepingRain Mon 15-Dec-14 10:22:11

She didn't tell you because she feared you'd react exactly the way you have.

Your post is all about you and your feelings when the important person here is your DD and what she wanted. Can you not see how wrong that is?

If you want any sort of relationship with your DD you must apologise quickly and sincerely.

Kewcumber Mon 15-Dec-14 10:23:08

I'm sorry you are so upset about this but your earlier thread made clear when you discovered she was pregnant that you didn't think that she should have an abortion. You thought you should all be happy about it and that her boyfriend was pressurising her into having an abortion.

That's why she hasn't told you. I wouldn't have told you either.

And if you re-read your post, it all about how you feel, how depressed you are. "I am pro choice" - but only your choice. Her's, not so much...

Lottapianos Mon 15-Dec-14 10:23:37

And yes, you absolutely should apologise profusely for the terrible things you have said to her

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 15-Dec-14 10:23:40

You really need to apologise to your daughter.

I had an abortion when I was 21. My parents, while being upset about the whole situation obviously, have always been utterly supportive of the decision I made and provided nothing but comfort.

This is not about you and how you feel about having a grandchild FFS. This is about your daughter and her life. Good on her for having the courage to make a difficult choice.

Reading your post has made me very angry, you are behaving very selfishly indeed.

Kewcumber Mon 15-Dec-14 10:24:25

Sorry lots of cross posts whilst I was trying to find a tactful way of phrasing mine!

divingoffthebalcony Mon 15-Dec-14 10:25:03

If she knew you would try to talk her out of it, then she obviously made a good call in not telling you. It was her choice, and the last thing she needed at the time was her mum not supporting her - or worse still, guilt tripping her.

Fairylea Mon 15-Dec-14 10:25:29

You need to come to terms with the fact she's an adult now and it wasn't your decision to know about nor take part in making. I'd apologise and try to move on from here. She obviously had her reasons for wanting to keep it a secret and you must respect that.

BigbyWolf Mon 15-Dec-14 10:25:30

You're right about it being her life and her decision.
Support your daughter, won't vilify her for her decision not to become a 19 year old mother! It's not about your grandchild that might have been, or you becoming a grandparent, it's about your daughter.
Fwiw, I think your daughter made a brave decision that was the absolutely right one for her. If you keep 'saying awful things' to her about it, you'll drive her away.

moonrocket Mon 15-Dec-14 10:25:40

Wow! So this is really all about you?
Your daughter needs your support. You are unhappy with her decision, but she is the one left holding the baby, not you. She won't have made the decision lightly, she may well be regretting it herself, but you have to step-up here!
She needs unconditional love from you- now is the time to give it. Please put your feelings / beliefs to ones side, and be there for her, otherwise this issue is going to damage (if not destroy) your
relationship forever.

iwantaginsoakedXmas Mon 15-Dec-14 10:26:12

I can totally understand why your daughter had the abortion on the quiet. She made the right choice for her, at the time. It isn't anyone else's business. At the end of the day she would have been the one caring for said baby 24/7 for 20 years or so.

I think when you can, you should have a talk to her and apologise profusely for anything negative you have said to her. If you don't then she would have every right to never share anything with you again.

FWIW I had a termination at a similar age. I didn't tell anyone other than a couple of friends. I did tell my DM afterwards,b ut didn't feel that i needed to share my decision prior to it. Perhaps because I thought she would have an opinion which was different to mine, and try to make me make a different choice.

Your DD is now an adult - and is entitled to make her own life choices now.

GlitzAndGigglesx Mon 15-Dec-14 10:26:34

At 19 she is a woman with her own mind and can do as she pleases with her body. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute and imagine how she felt coming to the decision to have a termination. It may not have been something she wanted to do but didn't feel much support from you. I was a teen parent and when I told my dad I was pregnant his response was "kill it or get out". So I got out. It was horrible going through a pregnancy with no real family support. Go and apologise and have a calm talk

Arion Mon 15-Dec-14 10:26:45

My mother is like you. I see her once a week so that my children have a relationship with their grandparents. She would would probably think we have a good relationship but she knows nothing about many important things that have happened to me as she would judge or make it about her. If I didn't have kids, I would not see her very regularly. She is not someone I would turn to in a problem.

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