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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

please help - pregnant to abusive husband

(12 Posts)
birdybird123 Tue 25-Nov-14 17:34:25

Hi all, would appreciate your thoughts and advice.
I am approx 7 weeks pregnant, unplanned, from sleeping with my husband for the first time in about 6 months.
I have a son aged 4 and a half, who is the light of my life. Since his birth my husband has been very mentally abusive towards me, to the extent that I cannot bear to be around him - I literally feel myself get tense and my heart start racing whenever he is near me. I am constantly scared and walking on eggshells, never knowing what will set him off.
My husband is only abusive to me, and only when our son is asleep. I always put on a happy face for my son and play happy families in front of my son. I have been sticking it out in the knowledge that very soon he'll be old enough for me to work full time and be able to afford for me and my son to move out.

I am devastated by this pregnancy and don't know what possessed me to sleep with my husband. I'll be in my mid 40s by the time the child is due. From my own perspective I do not want to have a child with a man I don't love and when I'm older than I ever planned on having children (I'm already exhausted with one, and get ill a lot).
I just want to do what's best for my son. I am pro-choice but terrified that going down that route will drive me mad with guilt and regret. I always wanted a sibling for my son but when it was clear the marriage was awful, I came to terms with just having my one wonderful boy and doing my best for him.
Now I have no idea what's best for my son - giving him a sibling and repeating the last 5 years of abuse with a newborn, or progressing with my original plan til I'm in a position to be independent and raise my son peacefully (and with his mum in good health).

please no judgements - I hate myself for not being financially independent, I hate myself for being abused, and I hate myself for gwtting pregnant with this one. Will I hate myself even more if I terminate and deprive my son of a sibling?

thank you for reading.

Lottapianos Tue 25-Nov-14 17:42:35

Only you can decide the best way forward for yourself. Please know that you do not have to have this baby. No one on here will judge you and no one in real life has to know if you don't want them to. There are no medals for martyrdom OP. This is a time to be very clear about the best thing for you

Please get that man out of your life for good. Don't kid yourself that 'playing happy families' isn't damaging your son. My parents did the same and it messed me up royally. He will know that something is wrong, especially as he gets older. All you're teaching him is not to trust his feelings and to put on a happy face at all costs. That is a very damaging lesson to learn.

Lottapianos Tue 25-Nov-14 17:46:20

My honest advice - you are in no position to have this baby. You are in an abusive relationship and having another child with this man will make it even harder for you to leave.

You want the best for your son? He needs his mother to put her and him first. He doesn't want or need a sibling - he needs you to be there for him and keep him safe.

You will get loads of support on here whichever decision you make

TheNewClassic Tue 25-Nov-14 17:55:16

Would you rather terminate but stay with your husband or keep your baby but leave your husband?

is leaving an option?

birdybird123 Tue 25-Nov-14 21:12:40

thanks for your feedback both. LottaPianos, you're right - am just so trapped and trying to do my best and keep my family together that I can't think straight with this new shock.
NewClassic sorry if I wasn't clear about my intentions about my husband.... there is no way I'd terminate (or do anything else) so that I could stay with him. I just want to get away from him. Leaving and being financially independent is just a matter of months away - as long as I don't keep the baby, which would set me back a couple of years financially. I just don't want to be pregnant - I wanted to be for such a long time. Now I'm way past what I was a healthy age for me, but am going to struggle emotionally to terminate having wanted one for so long and having to do it for health reasons and also to be in rhe strongest possible position to care for myself and my son. Thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts both.

Lottapianos Tue 25-Nov-14 21:51:06

Good luck OP. Your life is incredibly hard and full of pain right now - you have to think how very much harder it would become with another child to care for.

Google BPAS - British Pregnancy Advisory Service - in your local area. They can offer you counselling to help you make the right decision for you.

purplefeathers Wed 26-Nov-14 22:03:37

Don't think of it as depriving your ds of a sibling. This is about you. Your ds has a loving mother who he needs to be safe. You need to get away from this man.

If you don't want to be pregnant you don't have to be. Having an abortion is rarely an easy option but that doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. I've never spoken with BPAS but agree you should call them. Or pop in to your GP. You can at least get the ball rolling.

Will you hate yourself for having an abortion? Maybe. Maybe not. Would you hate yourself for keeping the baby and being unable to leave? Maybe. Maybe not. No one can tell unfortunately. You just have to make the best decision you can for you at this moment in time. That's all you can do.

I can tell you for sure that there is no shame in thinking about and going ahead with a termination. You have to think about the quality of your life and that of your existing ds.

It's a shitty decision to have to make but many of us have been there and we've all come through it and we'll help you through it as best we can thanks

Figster Wed 26-Nov-14 22:05:36

How awful op does your dh know you are pg?

birdybird123 Thu 27-Nov-14 10:11:22

yes, he knows I'm pregnant and says it's completely my responsibility re what to do about it. I feel so alone, I've got morning sickness and he hears me vomiting and crying but shows no sympathy. I've wanted another baby for years but am terrified that everyone's life will suffer if I keep this pregnancy. My husband says if I keep the baby it will ruin my son's life - as I'll have no money or independence to put a roof over his head. Also I get very bad migraines and whwn that happens I rely heavily on my husband to care for my son. I'm scared if I keep the baby I won't be well/ strong enough to look after it or my son. But as I'm in my 40s it's my last ever chance of having a baby. I just want to do what's best and am going round and round in circles second guessing myself as to what's best.

Lottapianos Thu 27-Nov-14 11:35:42

Seriously OP, you need some professional help to sort this one out. Either speak to your GP or contact BPAS. We can give you advice but a professional counsellor can help you to untangle all of your understandably complex feelings and make the right decision for you.

'You have to think about the quality of your life and that of your existing ds'

This is what it comes down to.

Your husband sounds utterly vile by the way. You do not have to put up with his behaviour. This is in no way a normal or healthy relationship. You can contact Women's Aid for free - they will listen and support you to make any decisions, or just allow you to talk about it if that's all you want to do.

beachysandy75 Fri 28-Nov-14 11:36:17

How are you today? I read this yesterday but didn't post. Hope you are ok. Sounds like you are in a nightmare situation. Have you looked into what you would be entitled to benefits wise if you left your husband now? BPAS would be the best place to go regarding termination if that is what you decide on.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Fri 28-Nov-14 11:45:07

Why can't you leave and keep the pregnancy?
Have you spoken to women's aid for advice?

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