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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

I don't see a way forward.

(28 Posts)
Furrypop100 Tue 04-Nov-14 17:38:31

I think I'm pregnant. My situation is not good.

I already have 4 kids. The first three are from my marriage. My ex husband was abusive and violent and I divorced him. Then I met someone else and had a baby with him. We planned future etc but in the end he turned out to be a fraud.

After that I thought I would never be in a relationship again but I met someone lovely and for the first time in my life I'm happy. We don't live together though because it would be too difficult. We live close to each other. He has a 1-bed flat and lives on his own but sometimes his two children come for weekends and I live in a 2-bed flat with my kids, so we are quite squeezed. My guy is working but on low wage and I'm not working, so on benefits...

On top of that I'm 42.

So you get the picture..

I'm worried about my boyfriend's reaction, I'm worried about finding space and money for another child and I'm worried about my existing children which will have less of my attention and resources if I have another baby.

And of course I'm worried about being judged. You get the picture - a feckless woman on benefits with a bunch of children by different fathers.. I'm sure this is what I will be in the eyes of many people and it wiould be so hard to deal with such hostility on regular basis.

So to sum it up - I could not possibly go through with it. It's all wrong, right? But then again, I don't think I could go through an abortion. I did it once and it destroyed me. The second time would be much worse, I am sure. I also lost one of my babies because she was born prematurely due to my ex's violence and she died. I just cannot cope with another "gone" baby... Giving up my child for adoption is also something I couldn't imagine doing...

But... How can I have this baby?

dancestomyowntune Tue 04-Nov-14 17:49:38

First of all you need to establish if you are indeed pregnant or not.

Next, I'm sorry to hear about your anguish. I've been in a similar situation and you will get through it. If I'm honest I think you know in your heart of hearts that you will keep the child no matter what. Don't worry what nameless people will think. It's none of there business.

At the moment you are focusing on the negatives, think of the positives. Your clearly a loving mum and your other children will not get any less love from you.

NancyRaygun Wed 05-Nov-14 12:52:11

It's not ideal. You wouldn't have planned a baby now.... but if you ARE pregnant then, you sound like a great mum who will make it work. Do not terminate the pregnancy for anything other than your true personal feelings. What other people think is not important! Sod em.

If you decide to terminate then do remember that this is a contraceptive failure and you are only human. Do not add to your stress by adding guilt to the mix.

You say it's all wrong but lets take your post another way:

I am a Mum of 4 - I have great experience!
I am a loving step mum who can make a blended family work even if we are a bit squeezed.
I am in a loving relationship.
I am 42 and I know my own mind.

Not many negatives there!

Furrypop100 Fri 07-Nov-14 12:17:55

Thank you so much ladies for words of encouragement.

I was hoping that I might still turn out to be not pregnant but my period has not arrived on time and I've just done a test and there is a very faint second line... But definitely there is something there... I am in shock.

I cannot imagine it all. I think so many people will judge me negatively... Not just the unnamed masses but also my family, friends...

And most of all - I am terrified of my boyfriend's reaction. If he reacts badly I will be heartbroken. Our relationship was going very well and I was so happy, what if this pregnancy is going to ruin things.. What if he wants me to have an abortion. I don't think I could be with him if that happens and if I do have an abortion, I know I will be a broken person forever.

God help me...

TeaForTara Fri 07-Nov-14 12:43:55

I don't want to scare you unduly, but if your period is already overdue and there's only a very faint line then it might not be a viable pregnancy. Of course, it may be completely fine, but once you're already overdue, most tests will give a strong line. So get yourself down the GP and ask if you can have blood tests to check your hormone levels.

Secondly, tell your partner. Whatever he says, deal with it then. There's no point worrying yourself sick about what he might say - after all, he might not. Unless you secretly planned this pregnancy and tricked him into it, (which it doesn't sound like you did,) then it is as much his responsibility as yours, and if you decide to keep it, then he needs to step up. You never know, he might surprise you.

If he does want you to have an abortion, then obviously take his feelings into account, but the decision has to be yours. DO NOT have an abortion just because he wants it. If you continue the pregnancy against his wishes then he might end the relationship (although he would still be responsible for the child) but if you are persuaded into an abortion against YOUR wishes "to save the relationship" then it will backfire because you will never forgive him and the relationship will most likely end sooner rather than later.

It doesn't matter what anyone in the outside world, with their judgy pants on, thinks or says. It matters what YOU think and feel, and if you feel that having an abortion would destroy you, but having a baby would be manageable, then that's the right decision. The other way round is fine, too. And why are you so quick to rule out adoption? There are many childless couples who have so much love and kindness to give to a child, and very few babies put up for adoption. Give it some more thought before ruling it out completely.

Good luck.

Furrypop100 Wed 03-Dec-14 17:15:07

Thank you for your responses everyone.

I am pregnant and have about a month to decide but I feel under great pressure of time.. And at the same time I'm totally stuck..

I told my boyfriend and he was not happy with the news. Said different things, like: he doesn't want a child. He is messed up and unhappy with everything in his life, he needs to sort himself out, he doesn't have enough money, hasn't really achieved anything in life (he is separated and his W or xW was abusive and treated him badly, and now he's fighting to get better access to his two daughters).

He said he wants to have options for the future, meaning in my opinion, that doesn't want to commit to me right now or maybe because of my complicated situation. Would any man want to get tied down to a woman with 4 kids?

He said he doesn't want to child but was not completely sure if abortion was the right thing to do. He said he needed to think about it.

He also said that he couldn't imagine being away from his child or leaving me with a child but I'm not sure what that was regarding..

That was on Sunday evening and today is Wednesday. I saw him once since but we didn't talk about it again. I needed a break. He is difficult to talk to. He doesn't open up about his feelings, he runs away from difficult conversations and he probably doesn't know himself what he is actually feeling.

So most likely I will have to ask him for another conversation about this some time soon.. But it doesn't look good because he's been distant since. Doesn't even contact me like he used to every day, doesn't even ask how I am... Which is not good at all, considering the turmoil I'm in..

And I don't know what to do. I have no idea what decision to make.

And I don't want to lose this relationship. It's the best thing that ever happened to me and it made me so happy before this happened..

Please, any thoughts?

notasleep Sat 06-Dec-14 21:37:35

The thing is.. Your relationship can't be the same as it was before if you have an abortion, at least not for you..
It's easier for men to distance themselves from the situation and see it as a way of putting things 'back to normal' but if you have any doubts, for you, it won't be 'back to normal' and you could be dealing with the emotional fallout for years to come.

I am totally pro choice, but I have had an abortion I regret. And it causes me so much pain to this day 15 years on. I would urge you that if you have a shred of doubt to seek counselling from an impartial party at least (some family planning clinics offer this)

And I would say don't do this to save your relationship... Because if you do the resentment towards your partner will be huge.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's an awful situation.

Furrypop100 Wed 10-Dec-14 15:15:07

Thank you so much Notasleep. I also had an abortion, it was 16 years ago and I have never got over it. The pain and regrets and wanting to bring the baby back was the worst feeling I've ever had.. When I try to make the decision to have an abortion now, I feel as if someone is plunging a knife into my heart.

But to imagine having this baby seems impossible right now. It fills me up with panic..

My boyfriend has since said that if I decide to have this baby he will be there for me and the baby and that he could never leave his child, but he couldn't live with me considering the circumstances. I'd be quite fine with not living together as we live close to each other but I'm still panicking when I try to picture the pregnancy, birth and beyond..

So if I choose to have this baby I will face countless difficulties, if I choose not to have this baby I will be a shell of a person for a long time.

And I have to decide before Christmas, not just decide but go through with the abortion if this is the decision because after Christmas I would be at a stage when I would find it almost impossible (if it's not the case now).

The timing is the worst possible too... I'm struggling to concentrate on organizing proper Christmas for my kids..

Please, if anyone has any thought, please share!

radiobedhead Wed 10-Dec-14 16:03:29

Hi OP.

Your boyfriend is of course entitled to not want another child. He would however have to support you if you had it, financially at least. What you say about him not being open and not talking and withdrawing doesn't sound good. But maybe he's in shock and really the decision lies with you.

There's never a perfect time to have a baby, but there can be a wrong time.

If I had four kids and was already struggling, living in cramped conditions, I wouldn't want another baby, especially with a man that doesn't want more children.

Why would you be a shell of a person after having a termination? You have four children, a life. You may have another baby and struggle even more, with no support. You could be far worse off. Or things could work out brilliantly.

Things are different to how they were with your last termination. Bear that in mind.

Good luck with your decision.

Furrypop100 Thu 11-Dec-14 00:28:26

Radiobedhead, I'm struggling with having an abortion because in my mind it is my child, a new person, a new human life and having an abortion means killing my child. I'm not judgmental towards people who think differently but this is how I see it.

I have strong maternal instinct and this is to protect this life growing inside me, not kill it. My instinct is to look forward to hold him or her in my arms and take care of him / her.

To me abortion will mean losing my child by my own decision and it will be extremely hard to live with it, never getting to know or even seeing this little person that wants to come into this world.

Yes, I am struggling but I am also happy to have my kids and they seem to be quite happy with their life so far.

notasleep Thu 11-Dec-14 11:11:49

Your circumstances sound really difficult op. Do you have much in the way of other support? Family,friends etc? Is your partner willing to be fairly hands on if you have the baby?

How old are your other dc, are they mostly at school / pre school?

All these issues aside, if you already see this pregnancy as your child, in my opinion an abortion will be really hard for you to rationalise.if you've been through it before you know the pain this can cause.

Have you spoken to a counsellor? I'm sure you could call bpas or Marie stopes, they have crisis pregnancy lines I think?

Furrypop100 Thu 11-Dec-14 14:57:41

Notasleep, my other children are 13, 9, 7 and 3. I don't have much other support but I'm coping ok at the moment. I'm just worried about the future, especially in terms of finances and whether I will be able to give my kids what they deserve. It's a huge responsibility. The way things are now, I'm quite in control of everything, kids are healthy and reasonably happy, do great at school etc, I even have time for little treats for myself. Financially, apart from somewhat frustrating living conditions, we are ok too.

My boyfriend says he would help but the help would be limited. He is a great dad for his existing children though. You couldn't imagine a more devoted one.

To be honest what I would need most from him is emotional support. If he said that he was happy to have a new baby I know I could make it all work.

So the choice for me is either huge and scary difficulties and complications or a crushing emotional pain, guilt, grief and self-hate that I know I will feel if I have the abortion.

Furrypop100 Thu 11-Dec-14 14:58:52

I have spoken to a counsellor in Choices (crisis pregnancy centre) and I am very clear now about what I feel but still extremely distraught and unable to make a decision that I can imagine myself living with.

notasleep Thu 11-Dec-14 16:45:57

Perhaps you could give yourself a week to come to a decision so it doesn't become more drawn out. Is there someone in rl you can talk to? Can you get a few hours to yourself? Difficult with a 3yo I know.

Financially, will your boyfriend be able to help? I totally get what you mean about having emotional support though. But if he's a great dad to his dc then that is a promising sign..

While your dc are your priority here, you also have to consider yourself and your emotions and mental health if you did have a termination. Your mental state will impact on your dc too as you are aware. But then of course another baby is a huge upheaval.

Can you try to picture things a year on/5 years on if you do/don't have a termination?
I don't know if that's helpful or not. Sorry it is just so hard.

thisisnow Fri 12-Dec-14 11:41:20

I hope you are ok, it's such a horrible place to be when you don't know which way to turn. I have been there and it was unbearable all you want to do is have someone tell you what the right thing to do is.

Think of it this way although it probably won't help, whatever you choose it will be the right decision and you will get through it, it will be hard whichever way you go but you WILL get through it. xxx

Furrypop100 Sat 13-Dec-14 01:46:07

Thisisnow - thank you for your comforting words, they made me feel better (at least for a while). I'll try to remember that..

And thank you for sharing your experience.

Turquoisetamborine Sat 13-Dec-14 02:07:09

I hope you manage to reach a decision you can accept. It's not an easy situation at all.
I know it shouldn't come down to money but have you considered the benefit cap unless you are exempt for some reason, it's unlikely you will get any more benefits.

QuickSilverFairy Sat 13-Dec-14 02:32:35

Honey, I was faced with a similar situation, also at the age of 42. Ultimately, I decided to continue my pregnancy and went on to have a healthy baby girl. I made my choice after considering what it might be like to live with out another child and what it would be like to live without my partner. I think you have to make the decision you can best live with. It may not be the one that makes both your head and heart happy. I will be thinking of you flowers

TsukuruTazaki Sat 13-Dec-14 02:36:24

Best of luck and glad you took some counselling. I know a counsellor from that centre and she is really very good so I hope it was helpful.

I think you should follow your gut feeling. And hold your head high - you haven't done anything wrong flowers

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 13-Dec-14 02:52:01

He said he couldn't live with you, considering the circumstances?!

...and what would they be? That you have 4 kids? Live in a flat?

Was he using a condom in addition to whatever contraception you are on?

Sorry, but he sounds pretty useless and under invested in your relationship, let alone this baby sad along with the other things you've said, I wouldn't expect much emotional or practical support from him. If it was me, he'd be out the door anyway.

Family & friends might be surprised, but they'll be fine... Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind...

Strangers, if people know the kids have different Dad's some of them might judge in a negative way, but so what? They don't matter. People judge others for all kinds of stupid reasons, doesn't make them right or important.

YOU are the only one that will have to live with the consequences of this decision, for the rest of your life. Yours is the only opinion that counts. Do what YOU can best live with.

notasleep Mon 15-Dec-14 17:13:33

How are you doing op?

Furrypop100 Tue 16-Dec-14 23:01:54

Turquoisetamborine - you are right, I don't think I will get more money. Maybe even less in the future as further cuts keep being mentioned in the media. It is a serious concern. I wouldn't mind working but how realistic is it for me to find a job? And a job good enough to let me support so many children? And then again - is this a big enough reason not to let this child be born?

Speaking about benefits, lots of people still apparently think that being on benefits means living a high life. Not in my experience. The money is enough for basics. I am getting by because I buy all our clothes and many other things second-hand, hardly ever new. We don't have sky tv, big lcd or newest playstations etc, also no holidays abroad, sometimes it is a weekend away in a caravan park..

QuickSilverFairy - thank you for sharing your experience.. It's nice to know that someone in a similar situation made it all work out... I don't suppose you had as many children, though, did you? And did you end up alone or did your DD father step up? Were you also on benefits? If you don't mind me asking all these questions.

TsukuruTazaki - thank you. Unfortunately the counselling didn't really help me to decide. Everyone I've talked to just said that it is indeed a very difficult situation and it is me who has to decide. And I find trying to make this decision excruciating..

I do feel that I've done something wrong and I know a lot of people will act shocked and in a disapproving way if I keep the baby.

I just don't know what is the RIGHT thing to do. Is it morally right to let this little person live regardless of everything else, or is it morally right to end this pregnancy because bringing another child into my situation would negatively affect my other kids and I wouldn't have much to offer to this one neither? I'm lost...

Thank you for telling me that I've done nothing wrong, though, and to hold my head high...

Furrypop100 Tue 16-Dec-14 23:16:14

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights - thank you for your reply. I feel you might be a little too harsh on my boyfriend. He used condoms to start with but when I went on the pill I told him to stop because I didn't think it was necessary and didn't like the feeling. He trusted me with contraception. I can't blame him for not wanting a baby in our circumstances. He has enough problems as it is. I wish I wasn't pregnant myself but I know that termination is not going to "undo" the pregnancy and it is something that I would find extremely difficult to go through with.

Yes, he doesn't want to live with me, but wouldn't most men feel the same? Do you know a lot of men who would be happy to commit to a woman with four kids from previous relationships, living on low income in cramped conditions? Because, according to many people, such men are very rare to find..

I would like him to be more committed and dedicated, and as you called it - invested, but I agree that not changing our living arrangements would be the best. We live within 5 minutes walk from each other and it is better to live separately even if we had the baby. Each of us would have some space and if he wanted to be around to help with baby he could easily do so...

He says that if I have the baby he won't abandon me. He will be around and still be my boyfriend and will try to help without living together. He says he would never leave his child... However, considering his financial struggles, I couldn't count on much help in this regard..

Thank you for your encouraging words regarding judgmental people..

Yes, I have to live with my decision and I still don't know what to do. I know that everything would be much easier if this pregnancy was stopped. I would be relieved in many ways... But the thought of what I see as ending the life of my child is making my blood run cold. It's so difficult for me to do it!! Could turn out to be impossible, like it happened the last time I was pregnant.

Furrypop100 Tue 16-Dec-14 23:27:49

Notasleep, thank you for thinking about me.

Tomorrow afternoon I have an appointment in hospital to discuss the abortion. I will have to go there with my 3y.o. which is pretty dreadful. The first time I was there, some 4 years ago, was when I was considering aborting her... But it was more like kidding myself that I had options as I was so frightened by the option of continuing the pregnancy... Now that she's 3, things are ok and she's absolutely amazing, but the pregnancy and the first 1.5-2 years were a nightmare.. But that time when I went there to discuss the abortion, I think deep deep down I knew I wasn't going to opt for it.

It might be the same this time. But I'm not ready to face the pregnancy yet so I'm still considering termination.. I wish they told me tomorrow that the pregnancy is not viable or something like that... And the problem would be solved without me having to DECIDE to end this new life.. But I expect that all will be well health-wise as I've always had perfect uncomplicated pregnancies.

So I expect they will examine me, do a scan etc, then tell me about different methods of abortion, all of which sound awful to me. If it's like last time, there will be no smiles, little eye contact and an awkward atmosphere, or at least that's how I experienced it. Then they'll make an appointment for me for the procedure and before that day comes this will be the last moment for me to decide. Which I dread.

I hate the thought of going there..

I wish someone very wise would give me a clue as to what the right thing to do is for everyone involved...

QuickSilverFairy Tue 16-Dec-14 23:50:33

Hi, Furrypops

Please ask any question you have!

When I became pregnant with my daughter at age 42, I was already the mum of two other children. (Ages 10yrs and 9yrs) My daughter's father made it clear he did not wish to become a parent. I really was unhappy with his reaction but he was very honest with me. I thought about all the reasons why I should continue the pregnancy and compared it with the reasons why I should terminate. I am unequivocally pro- choice and had an abortion with a previous partner. My overriding feeling was I wanted this baby.

I was employed when I became pregnant. I planned to work right through my pregnancy but high blood pressure forced me to go on mat leave at 32 weeks. My financial situation became very tight. My mum and my baby's father both contributed to ease the strain.

I married my daughter's father when she was eight months old. It has not been a perfect marriage by any means. He loves his child very much now and is a very involved dad BUT..I do not believe we would have married if we did not have this child in common. We have been involved in some fairly intense couple's therapy...

So there is my story..I wish you all the best in whatever choice you make. Xx

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