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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

At a loss over what I should do

(9 Posts)
Sockstealer Tue 04-Nov-14 09:40:10

I really don't know what to do and feel as though I'm sinking more into depression all the time.

I'm around 9 weeks pregnant, when I first found out my initial reaction was that I'd have the baby, but now I'm not so sure it's the right thing to do and I feel torn in half.

There are so many reasons why I shouldn't, my partner doesn't even live with me, although we have been together a long time and there's no reason why we can't move in together, it's just I can't be sure he will. I live in a two bed house and am not really in a good position to move.

I already have a beautiful ds and I'm so scared of everything he's going to lose because of this baby, it's always just been me and him and now he's going to have to share everything. We won't be able to just pop to the cinema whenever we want, I won't have as much time for him. How's he going to feel when he's older and trying to do his homework with an annoying younger sibling? I don't have a great relationship with my own siblings and it scares me. He's got a happy life and I'm about to bring this crying, pooing baby into his little world.

I'm also really struggling with morning sickness, or rather all day sickness, I'm fighting not to throw up constantly and the slightest thing tips me over. I feel weak and dizzy all the time and the house and quality time with ds are suffering. I've also got diarrhoea sorry for tmi but that's been constant too.

I've had to phone in work sick so I've had to tell my boss and she sounds really pissed off, I know nobody gets how bad morning sickness can make you feel, I'm pregnant not ill, so why do I feel so dreadful? My boss already dislikes me and I've seen her get rid of a few staff to other teams for sickness or when coming back off maternity leave, all very underhand.

On the other hand, if I don't continue with this pregnancy, I'm terrified that I'll live to regret it, I don't see me having anymore children if I feel like this now. Ds is always saying he'd love a brother or sister, it could be a friend for life.

I've had it all confirmed with the GP and even have my first scan date, so something must be telling me I want to have this baby.

I'd manage one way or another I'm sure, you just do don't you? And I'm sure I would regret a baby once it's here.

I keep hoping that something will happen which will make me know the right thing to do, but instead I'm just sitting in limbo wondering what on earth I'm doing.

Should I go for it or stop this now before it's too late and everything go back to the way it was. Only I'll always wonder what could have been.

Sockstealer Tue 04-Nov-14 09:42:28

Sorry that said I'm sure I wouldn't regret a baby once it's here.

thisisnow Tue 04-Nov-14 13:02:05

I hope you're ok thanks

Unfortunately there is no such thing as the "right" thing to do in this kind of situation. How old is your DS? Plenty of people have a surprise second/third child and it turns out to be the best thing that has ever happened to them. The first child is that much older and doesn't need supervising as much etc. Do you think the father would be supportive?

By the same merit you don't have to continue with the pregnancy if you don't feel it's right for you. It sounds so clinical but you can weigh up the pro's and con's and try make a decision and you still won't ever really know if it's the right one or not. I'm sure there are a lot of women who go for a termination and are 100% sure but I know I was 50/50 and that was the worst part.

Hopefully someone will be along soon who can articulate things a little better than me xx

NancyRaygun Tue 04-Nov-14 13:33:49

there are some things here that I think you can let go of as they are clouding your decision making.

Work: I know how hard and insidious it can be when people get fired or ousted out for illness or maternity but you have the law on your side here so don't allow yourself to be bullied. There are no 'not sick enough' rules! If you feel sick and tired and you can't work then its as simple as that.

Your DS: siblings can be the greatest blessing life ever gives you. Yes, its a gamble as you don't have a great relationship with yours but I promise you the amazing (and hard) life lessons your DS learns from having a younger sibling are immeasurable. You want him to be a well rounded and loved boy right? Well, a sibling can enhance that.

Illness: yes, its shit.But put that aside as it is not forever.

So: do you want this baby? That is the only real question here, sod the practicalities, if you want the baby then you have only one course of action, and yes it will be really scary.

If you do not want the baby, and in your soul you know that, you do not need to justify your decision, you can have a termination and move on with your life.

The bravest thing to do here OP is to really listen to yourself, don't justify it, don't explain it. Know yourself, and then act.

NancyRaygun Tue 04-Nov-14 13:46:30

Sorry I just wanted to add that pre natal depression can happen, and you said you felt you were slipping into a depression. So, whatever you decide I think you should talk to your midwife or your GP about that as you can get help. flowers

Sockstealer Tue 04-Nov-14 22:42:12

Thank you for replying.

My lovely ds is 6 so there's quite a big age gap.

I always thought that I would have more children, but when the time was right. But feels like if I don't go ahead with this now, then it will never be right and I need to just accept having 1.

I'm not against having a baby. I think it would be a huge shock to the system going back to nappies and sleepless nights. But I'd manage, and there'd be good times. I hope that dp would support us but there's no guarantees there, he's not against the pregnancy at all but we've had a rocky relationship over a few things.

The main thing I'm scared of is messing my ds life up, he'd have to share his space, his things, his mum. I keep coming back to the bedroom situation, what about when he's older and wants to bring his mates back? Could it ever work?

I suppose it comes down to what's more important, space, or a bigger family.

Then there's work, I'm miserable there right now, but my hours work well around childcare and I'd get a decent maternity package. But I'd be essentially trapping myself there. Albeit with 9 months off to come, but perhaps I'd should be focusing on a new career and getting out of there.

Having said that having a baby now wouldn't necessarily stop me from changing career in a few years still.

It all sounds very shallow and selfish I realise that. But I've been through all sides of this before. A termination years ago that I regretted but in hindsight probably for the best, a pregnancy loss and having my beautiful ds.

I want to do what's best for ds but I don't know what that is.

NancyRaygun Wed 05-Nov-14 08:21:06

My friend had her second when her DS was 6. The baby is 1 now and her DS loves her to bits: it's exciting to have a new baby plus she just tags along to what he is doing and all his friends coo over her then its back to playing football or whatever! Just anecdotal but it has worked so so well in that case.

You don't sound shallow or selfish - quite the opposite! It is really important to be sure in your decision and you sound like all you really want is what's best for your son.

For me: What is best for you is best for your DS.

HappyAsASandboy Wed 05-Nov-14 11:47:39

Most (all?) of the negatives you're listing are temporary things. They don't need to stop you having this baby:

Going to the cinema will still be possible. While the new baby is small he/she will stay at home (either yours or your partners) with your DP. Will take a little planning, that's all.

DS sharing his room - plenty of siblings share rooms smile It doesn't have to be an issue for a while anyway as baby can stay in with you until you think they're ready to share (which could be way beyond the 6 months babies should share for safety - our twins were in with us until they were three!). When they do share, with a six year age gap you can choose to make the shared room a study/quiet place and have the younger DC toys downstairs, then second DC might well have the room to themselves by the time they are 12 as older DS may have gone to Uni/moved out. With a six year gap, I think sharing will be easier than close-in-age siblings, who'll be in each other's way at every age.

Your DP doesn't have to move in! If you/he are not ready for that (or indeed don't ever want it), then don't do it! There is no rule that says two parents must live together if they're in a relationship; the two of you would just work out how you'd like to live. Maybe your DP would keep his house and stay there several nights a week to give you and the DC some space and stay with you all some nights? Or maybe you'd like some nights when the DC stayed there? Or maybe you'd like some nights when a baby sitter stays over at yours and you have a night at DPs?! Plenty of options to discuss and see what would work best for the four of you, but don't feel pressure to all move in together just because there's a new baby smile

Work. Work will sort itself out. Miserable boss can only be miserable with you for less than 9 more months and then you'll be off for a while. You will know your rights regarding going back, and either fight for the position you want to make a go of a new one. Delaying training for a new career (that wasn't actually planned yet anyway?) is a small decision when placed next to a baby/termination decision.

That said, you don't have to go ahead with the pregnancy if you don't want to. But if you choose termination, I think you need to be brave enough to choose it because you don't want another baby/child, not because you can come up with five surmountable inconveniences that make it a less-than-perfect time for a baby. If you let those reasons be the main considerations then you risk always looking back, knowing they were each surmountable, and having regrets.

It is a really tough decision and I feel for you. Face the trivial decisions and leave yourself free to think about the big question - do you want to have another baby and then child? Do you want to look after it? Feed it? Teach it? Guide it? Play with it? Love it? If so, your DS and DP will fit in and help you work out a way to fix the issues as they come up. If not, then don't have the baby as it'll make your life stressful and you will resent having to make the changes (and resenting a baby/child won't be a good thing at all!).

Good luck with your decision smile

1lov3comp5 Wed 05-Nov-14 11:58:08

The only bit I can help with is the 6 year gap, my dd was just about to turn 6 when DS arrived. She absolutely dotes on him and it was great in that i could give him one on one time when she was in school but then when he was napping/playing on floor, I could do stuff or just chat with dd.
We used to 'bond' if DS was crying/whinging eg she'd come to tell me if he was crying but would do an eye roll and grin and then I'd say something like 'is that rascal/scallywag giving out again?' - sounds silly written down but I think it made her feel like we were a team taking care of him.
Whatever decision you make is the right one for you flowers

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