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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Torn over termination decision

(32 Posts)
love2shopbags Fri 31-Oct-14 13:46:23

Hiya I was wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation to me and can offer advice?
I found out 10 days ago I am pregnant with an unplanned 3rd baby i have to boys who are 7 and 3 all with the same partner we have been together for 11 years and have a strong solid relationship and happy family.
We have discussed having a 3rd baby and had both decided that our family was complete and planned for DP to have a vasectomy, I was used to tracking my cycles and have successfully used this a a form of contraception for the last 3 years we have been under a lot of stress recently and i've made a mistake and got caught pregnant.
On initially taking the test I was shocked and frightened at the result and my knee jerk reaction was termination due to practicality such a having recently financing a car that would be to small, DP being self employed and me currently being a SAHM. I also thought about the impact that this would have on my other children such as what it would take away from them, how hey would feel etc. Taking all this into account a termination would seem the sensible thing to do but in my heart I so desperately want to keep the baby. My DP feels very strongly towards termination and yesterday we visited a BPAS clinic where I discussed my options had a scan and was dated at 5wk 5days. I asked to see the scan and my DP looked at the scan. I was very distressed through the entire process and they would not book me in for the procedure telling me to go home and think about it, my DP does not feel any different and has made it totally clear he does not want the baby but ultimately it is my choice and that he would have to support me.
This leaves me with a dilemma, I have the termination and regret it or I keep the baby and risk the breakdown of my relationship with DP, I daren't tell him that I want to keep the baby as I am afraid of his reaction I do not want him to hate me and resent the pregnancy/baby but I don't know if I can get past my maternal instincts and go through with the termination. Thanks for reading any advise would be appreciated.

tywysogesgymraeg Fri 31-Oct-14 13:50:10

None of the reasons you describe are reasons for having an abortion IMO. Abortion isn't really a form of family planning.

In a strong relationship and a happy family like you describe, you will all cope with this, once you get your head around things.

SisterMoonshine Fri 31-Oct-14 13:58:08

It doesn't sound like you want an abortion. And if that's the case, you risk the breakdown of your relationship just as much if you were to have one against your wishes as going against his.
He should know that tracking cycles is a form of contraception for people for whom it wouldn't be the end of the world if they got pregnant.

wrapsuperstar Fri 31-Oct-14 13:59:20

Actually, you would be completely within your rights and fully justified if you did choose to terminate. That is your choice and your reasons only need matter to you and those closest to you, not any bystanders on the internet.

Only you can make your mind up. Whilst many people do 'make do' with an unplanned pregnancy (I'm 'making do' with my 4-month old surprise right now!) that isn't a reason to go ahead with it. I don't think you have an easy decision to make, but your reluctance to terminate is very clear (and totally fine). Talk some more with your partner and maybe seek out some counselling to help you make sense of what the future might hold. I wish you all the best, and I hope you find that you can talk here without judgement. flowers

Viviennemary Fri 31-Oct-14 14:03:55

It doesn't sound to me as if you really want a termination. If you have one when it isn't right for you and you don't want to the chances are you will be massively resentful of your partner if you feel he has forced you into it. Don't be forced into anything you don't want to do.

TheWanderingUterus Fri 31-Oct-14 14:12:47

What would you feel if you miscarried?
Can you cope with another one? Not just the rose tinted stuff, the gritty awful stuff of parenting?

For me, even though I did think seriously about keeping a baby under similar circumstances to you, my answers to the questions above were:

Really sad but mixed with some relief
It would be a strain that I dont think I could cope with. And I dont want to cope with. We stopped at two for a reason.

I chose a termination which was really really hard in itself. This is the most difficult decision, there is no right and wrong answer, there is no one who can tell you what will happen in each circumstance. FWIW I havent regretted it, but it has been bloody hard. There was sadness but it was for being put in that position in the first place.

It is REALLY unfair of your husband to be putting pressure on you either way. He was just as responsible for the pregnancy as you, he made the same mistake. But it is YOUR decision to make, its your body. My DH would have liked a third, but he respected my right to make the decision on my terms as I would have to carry it and do the bulk of the childcare. He was there to hold my hand all the way through.

Take the time to make the decision you want, that feels right. Ignore what other people think and will tell you, make the decision for you. Whatever you choose there will be some sadness/regret/stress. Which one can you deal with best?

scarevola Fri 31-Oct-14 14:21:12

I'm concerned that you say you daren't even tell your DP what you want.

You say several times in your post that you really want this baby.

If you dare not talk to him, it's quite possible that your relationship will not survive whatever you decide now.

Your existing DC might lose some material things, whichever way this goes. But remember what they also stand to gain.

love2shopbags Fri 31-Oct-14 15:13:55

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post you honesty is appreciated. I have spoken to my partner and been totally honest and open with him as has he with me which is one of the reasons I do not want to admit to him that I want to keep the baby as I know how much it will hurt him and I feel like i'm backing him into a corner he is not a man that would turn away from his responsibilities I just dread the thought of him coming to appointments/scans knowing it was not what he wanted.
The practical aspects I know can be managed and we would get by but I would feel responsible if say for instance DP lost his work and we were in a bad place financially. I would be particularly concerned that it would be taking time away from my current children when it comes to things like homework and days out etc.
My GP thinks that usually the rational decision is usually the best one but it will be hard to overcome the emotional side of things.
I think I need to ascertain if my DP would ever come round to the idea because I dont think I can do this alone.
Again Thanks it does help to write things down.

northernlurker Fri 31-Oct-14 15:38:25

There's no way to really know what would happen if you continue. Many, perhaps most, men in this situation will struggle for a while, gradually accept the pregnancy, welcome the baby and then love the child. Some won't. It's no use sugar coating this - an unplanned pregnancy can wreck a relationship.
BUT........so can a termination you don't want.

There's a difference between feeling that you don't want a termination and feeling that you do want it but it also makes you sad. Being sad about it doesn't necessarily make it the wrong choice. Being sad and regretful is a normal reaction to a very painful situation.

So next steps - it's no good badgering your dp to say whether he'll come round. He won't know, can't possibly know. If that's an important factor you need to look at the kind of father her is and the kind of partner and then take a punt on what you think he will do.

If the two of you are at odds and you do want to continue then it might be an idea to consider a separation for a while. To give you both space to adjust and re-evaluate what's important in the relationship. This can avoid the situation where you soldier on under the same roof with him resentful and you feeling guilty. Time apart can make things clearer and you can rebuild on stronger foundations as you wait for the baby.

I wish you luck OP. More than anything remember you have to live with yourself for ever basically - so go with your gut not your head.

quietlysuggests Fri 31-Oct-14 15:44:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemonpuffbiscuit Fri 31-Oct-14 15:59:01

My 'extra child' has bought us all so much joy. The kids take so much delight in him and because the gap is quite large the older ones have developed amazing paternal/maternal skills. I know a termination would have effected my mental health hugely and stayed with me long term. It's not the same for everyone though

lemonpuffbiscuit Fri 31-Oct-14 16:03:01

Also just to add that once they reach secondary they become very independent - so no helping with homework etc

Thurlow Fri 31-Oct-14 16:07:01

You sound as though you want this baby so much.

I'm sorry this is such a difficult situation for you both. It's so upsetting when you are not on the same page.

My gut feeling is that if you are going to be ok in the long run with having a termination, you don't have the level of doubt that you do. You feel more of a gut instinct that yes, this is sad; yes, this is difficult; yes, this won't be easy to go through - but all things considered, you know deep down that a termination will be the best.

This isn't how you sound.

No one can say how things will turn out. However, I think you need to keep talking to your DP and repeating that you just don't feel you can go through with a termination.

purplefeathers Sat 01-Nov-14 17:05:46

It doesn't sound like you really want to have a termination and you have to do what you want. Please don't prioritise your dh's feelings over your own.

Having said that, i disagree with the poster who said your reasons for termination aren't good enough. If you want a termination you don't even have validate your choice.

Many people have terminations that they don't regret. However, the fact that you've said you really want to keep the baby makes me think that you may regret a termination.

As others have said, you need to keep talking openly with your dh about this.

I feel for you. thanks

love2shopbags Sat 01-Nov-14 19:11:54

Thank you again for responses and suggestions we agreed yesterday to have a couple of days not talking about it so we can try and clear our minds we have had a day out with the kids today and have agreed to talk about things tomorrow to see if things have changed for either of us.
I do feel a decision needs to be made soon so that I can start to process my thoughts about the future. Thanks

SoonToBeSix Sat 01-Nov-14 19:17:52

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Viviennemary Sat 01-Nov-14 19:19:12

I reread your post where you say you are being totally honest and open with your partner but won't tell him you'd like to keep the baby. Even if you are undecided and torn both ways I think you should tell him of your feelings to want to keep the baby when you do finally discuss it. Or even both write your feelings down on paper and exchange them. It's a good idea to have a break from discussing it for a day or two. Hope you come to a good decision for you both.

wannabestressfree Sat 01-Nov-14 19:42:53

Soon that's a horrible thing to say. I don't think that sort of emotional blackmail type bollocks is warranted now.
Hope your ok op. You will find a way through this whatever it will be. Please be honest though. I was in a similar position and wish I hadn't followed the course of action I did (I won't go into it).
Take care.

tywysogesgymraeg Sat 01-Nov-14 19:49:21

Horrible wanna, but true. You won't be taking anything away from your current DCs by having another baby. You'll have plenty of love to go around OP, and that's more important than anything else.

purplefeathers Sat 01-Nov-14 20:27:23

It's a horrible unnecessary and unhelpful thing to say.

Please remember that there are people on this board who have terminated, often with the needs of their existing dc in mind.

love2shopbags Sat 01-Nov-14 20:41:24

As previous people have said my reason for posting on this board are for support from people who may have encountered such a situation I don't think anyone could add to the guilt already felt in such a terrible situation.
My oldest DS is behind at school and needs a lot of input from myself and DP he also struggled terribly with the arrival of his DS. My second DS was very poorly with meningitis when 6 months old and dealing with that with one child was hard enough let alone others so my fear would be if something like this happened again we do not have a great deal of family support around us. Youngest DS has a speech delay and is starting school next year this would clash with the birth of this baby and I don't want him to feel pushed out in any way and have recently left work in order to be there for him so these things all need to be taken into consideration. Of course I have thought about what a younger sibling would bring to the boys my own brother has 6 children so I know the pros and cons of large families. Still all of this taken in to consideration does not make for an easy decision.

YouAreMyBread Sat 01-Nov-14 20:48:55

I had an abortion for convenience and because I felt it would take away more of the little time and energy I had away from my existing DC, never regretted the decision.

You sound less sure though, but I just wanted to reassure you your reasons are a perfectly valid reason to terminate if you chose to.

purplefeathers Sat 01-Nov-14 21:00:00

Love2shop I feel angry that you felt the need to disclose all that. You don't need to justify anything. Your reasons for considering abortion are your reasons. No one can tell you how either decision will impact on your existing family.

I have been in your position. It's a horrible and conflicted place to be. I think your decision to not talk about it for a couple of days is a sensible one. It's still very early days so you do at least have time on your side.

I wish you all the best.

TheWanderingUterus Sat 01-Nov-14 21:12:10

Lovetoshop, you don't have to justify yourself.

There are many of us who have been in your shoes and faced the decision you have to make. All of our reasons are valid.

I hope you will still use this thread/ forum for support. Time to think is a good idea.

X

differentnameforthis Mon 03-Nov-14 11:04:29

You absolutely, definitely DO NOT need to justify anything!

If you reasons are valid for your family, they are valid, FULL STOP.

People on the internet are NOT going to be there when you need help with your dc or (if you decide to have it) the new baby!

None of the reasons you describe are reasons for having an abortion IMO Bollocks! They are as valid as any reason, just because you may not terminate because of those reason, it doesn't mean they aren't valid for others.

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