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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate 7

(864 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

mrsbigz Sat 14-May-11 22:54:53

May this thread continue to offer support and friendship to all who have found ourselves knocking at its door. May the door stay firmly wedged open - to be a comfort to those who have recently lost a little one, and welcoming back those who have longer memories of their loss. May the tea always be brewing and the millionaire shortbreads always freshly baked.
And may our all little ones find each other in a magical place, where they can run, laugh and play together with no boundaries

IonaMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 18-Sep-14 16:12:57

Hi folks! We've had a couple of requests to move this thread here to the new board. It's been around a number of years but has obviously been a support to many Mumsnetters in that time so we agree that it might find a good home over here.

Nessalina Wed 17-Sep-14 18:54:45

Bumping in case of need.

NatzCNLS Thu 01-May-14 00:33:52

Just wanted to stop by and send my love to you CareBear - I hope you are bearing up ok? Do seek out help where it is available. Berevement midwife or councellor is a very good idea. Im so so sorry for your loss xx

All of us here on this thread have suffered as you have and are here to help you through the darkest days. Feel free to rant, cry and just let everything you are feeling out, it really does help.

Look after yourself, and let others look after you too. It will get easier eventually xxx

lostlove Sun 27-Apr-14 16:13:01

A week before, a funeral didn't seem like the right thing to me either but, like you, I changed my mind.

In the end, we had a very short service at a crematorium, with just DP and me there. We went back on the due date to leave flowers in the place we left the flowers from the coffin. I think we were both surprised at how healing arranging and attending the service felt.

I hope you have found spending time with your friend this afternoon a comfort.

Samedaydifferentusername Sun 27-Apr-14 14:33:09

I found arc very helpful after I had my tfmr, I've also had a lot of support from Sands, seek out support where you can.

I know it's terribly cliched but time does help heal.

CareBearWithFangs Sun 27-Apr-14 13:24:42

The hospital is doing a service at the end of May which we've decided to attend. 3 days ago the thought of a funeral really appalled me but now I've seen my son I know I need to go.

I shall call the hospital, I think they might have given us some numbers to contact. I can't properly remember.

My friend is popping round soon and we are off for a small walk so we can both have a cry.

I keep trying to remind myself of all the good things in my life but I keep seeing my son, so small and still.

lostlove Sun 27-Apr-14 11:52:09

Ask your hospital if they have somebody you could talk to. If they're not able to help, your GP might, though it would be better if the person has experience of the particular issues around TFMR.

Sorry you didn't have a restful night. Try to doze if you can - it might not feel like it helps your feelings much, but it will help your body to recover.

It's not something everyone feels appropriate or wants to do, but are you planning to have a burial or cremation service? We had one a few weeks later, which felt right for us.

Thinking of you today x

CareBearWithFangs Sun 27-Apr-14 08:15:13

Hi no they haven't offered me anything like that. Who would I ask? My gp?

I've managed to have a bit of a sleep, disturbed by awful nightmares.

Thank you for posting. It's good to know I'm not alone.

lostlove Sat 26-Apr-14 21:38:23

It's helpful to cry; I don't think it does any good to bottle it up. Be by yourself if you're really not comfortable in front of other people, or let them comfort you if that feels ok.

You've been through an intense physical and emotional experience so it's quite normal for it to feel all jumbled up in your mind. In time, I'm sure you'll piece it together, so don't expect too much of yourself too soon. A decent length sleep is probably what you need most right now, and more rest and as much nourishing food as you can manage tomorrow.

Have you been offered the chance to speak to a bereavement midwife or counsellor? I found the bereavement midwife very helpful.

Apologies for the delay in getting back to the thread - we got delayed in town.

CareBearWithFangs Sat 26-Apr-14 17:49:23

Thank you. We're at my mil, so she can help look after DD while DP and I try and recover.

I feel like I can't explain how I feel. I just keep getting flashes of images in my head of the baby/the tfmr/the scan and everything is jumbled together. And I can't control the crying which I'm normally very good at. I never cry in front of people normally.

lostlove Sat 26-Apr-14 16:20:02

Hello, CareBear. I'm here.

Have you got somebody with you?

Don't worry about being coherent; sometimes it helps just to let your thoughts out as they come.

I'm out shopping at the moment and just happened to check my watched threads but I'll check back as often as I can.

CareBearWithFangs Sat 26-Apr-14 11:22:28


Is there anybody about who still uses this thread?

I've just had a tfmr. Waiting to be discharged from the hospital at the moment. Had a medical termination and I've found the whole process really traumatic. Currently can't stop crying. I can't pin my thoughts down long enough to try and think sensibly. Not sure what I'm posting for other than someone to talk to.

NatzCNLS Tue 08-Apr-14 17:11:21

Bumping this page for anybody who may need it xxx

Nessalina Mon 30-Dec-13 22:40:25

Bumping in case it's needed smile

lostlove Tue 01-Oct-13 11:55:38

Bumping this thread to the first page so it's more visible for those who might need it.

lostlove Fri 31-May-13 14:21:55

Relief is, I think, inevitable after the awful waiting. Be prepared for the possibility of a wave of sadness following in its wake, though.

Take care x

Aoifebelle Fri 31-May-13 13:44:50

Today is the first day I have felt I could breathe for well over a week. Whilst yesterday was the worst day of my life, right now my overwhelming emotion is relief.

Thanks for all the kind messages and support on here, this is what the internet was invented for. I think I might need to step away from mumsnet for a while, and just live my life. No doubt I will be back at some point, looking for advice and support, or maybe even dispensing it.

thanks again

aoife xxx

lostlove Thu 30-May-13 21:16:25

I hope you're resting and being taken care of after this sad day.

You probably don't much feel much like posting but we're here when and if you do.

mrsbigz Thu 30-May-13 18:47:14

Hi just checking to see how you are. Been thinking about you all day. So sorry you are going through this, life truly sucks sometimes confused here if you want to talk xx

lostlove Thu 30-May-13 10:58:05

I know - it isn't fair.

At work but will check back later to see how you are.

jmf294 Thu 30-May-13 09:24:18

I know no words can make this any easier at all but want you to know I'm thinking of you today.
I hope that today passes as peacefully and uneventfully as possible and your recovery is uncomplicated.
Keep talking to those around you, be gentle and kind to yourself, allow yourself the time and space to grieve.
Thoughts, prayers and love to you xx

Aoifebelle Thu 30-May-13 09:02:43

Today I should be sitting on a beach in Portugal, with my OH, my sister and three of my nieces. I should be waiting for my parents to arrive, and planning how to tell them they are going to be grandparents again.

Instead, I am going into hospital for a termination, and for the second time in a year I will go to sleep pregnant, and wake up not pregnant and with no baby.

Life can fuck right off.

lostlove Thu 30-May-13 07:40:58

Wishing you all the strength you need to get through today x

mrsbigz Thu 30-May-13 00:35:54

Hey Aoife, I'm one of the 'older' posters from this thread, and I do often read through although don't post as much as I should - as I got such a lot of support from the ladies in here when I ended my pregnancy.
I do hope that everything goes as smoothly as possible for you tomorrow. My story is fairly similar to yours, we had a 1:5 risk following our 12 wk scan with a nuchal measurement of 7.5. Unfortunately we were just too late for a cvs so waited until I was 15wks for an amino. The results of that confirmed ds, and we made the decision to end the pregnancy, it took us a long time to come to the decision but as we already had 2 young dc, plus the drs were unsure what the raised nuchal would result in we had to think of them hmm our baby was born through induced labour when I was 17 wks
The bit between taking the tablet and the day of the induction were the worst for me, didnt know what to do with myself, looking back I think I was just going through the motions.
What I did want to say was, to echo Poot (hello!) you WILL get through tomorrow, you are much stronger than you realise. I was completely numb/emotionless for the couple of days following and then it hit me like a truck - and the grieving process begun. That was back in march 2011, and while there is not a day that goes by I don't think about my list baby, the raw grief has left, I am able to remember her and know that we did the right thing both for her and our family.
And like Poot I was also able to have my happy ending (as you WILL too) as I had a baby the following year.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow and will check in tomorrow night to see how you are doing, lots of love mrsB x

lostlove Wed 29-May-13 15:32:43

Hi Aoife, I posted on your other thread yesterday - is it easier to keep to this one from now on, to keep things simple?

This 'in between' day is tough (I had the same wait, with a tablet to end the pregnancy and induced delivery two days later) - it's like you can't turn back, and time doesn't move fast enough towards the conclusion of the process.

There's AIBU, iPlayer and 4oD to pass the time...

I wonder if these threads are quieter because ARC have a forum now. I don't know how busy it is because I'm not a member, but if you need more support it might be worth joining? That said, I get the impression that MNers who first posted in this topic years ago do still read and post here.

Thinking of you.

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