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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate 7

(864 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

mrsbigz Sat 14-May-11 22:54:53

May this thread continue to offer support and friendship to all who have found ourselves knocking at its door. May the door stay firmly wedged open - to be a comfort to those who have recently lost a little one, and welcoming back those who have longer memories of their loss. May the tea always be brewing and the millionaire shortbreads always freshly baked.
And may our all little ones find each other in a magical place, where they can run, laugh and play together with no boundaries

blacktreaclecat Tue 17-May-11 20:56:22

I think the cat thing is a baby replacement. I know it is for me. To me they are my babies, I feel I love them nearly as much as a human baby, and they give me something to love. This is why I wanted a new kitten after this loss.
I guess if you already have children you can concentrate on loving them which would help too.
Not a baker but H makes JO 15 chocolate brownies, they are amazing. Will bring them if Cinnamon forgets the shortbread..
Good luck at the dentist - will be fine

MyangelAva Tue 17-May-11 22:37:01

Ah, misty, you do make me laugh- Jaws smile !! Hello to all and hope everyone is ok and that cinnamon's dental treatment isn't too horrific! Your poor body at the minute!

OK, a quiet update on me & AF, because I obviously don't want to shout it from the rooftops quite yet for fear that someone, somewhere on high may realise that I've had a spot of good luck this year and might take it off me!! But we have our first BFP ladies. The silent bding worked! Am obviously really happy and strangely optimistic but I am now inevitably aware of all that can go wrong and praying that it doesn't.

Thank you all for keeping your fingers crossed for me... It obviously worked!

So.... Who's next?!! My fingers are crossed at the ready! Xx

mrsbigz Tue 17-May-11 22:44:02

oooooooh smile myangelava that is fantastic news!!!! you've prompted me to try silent bd'ing this month!! seriously though you've just made my day - amd so happy for you both. xxxxxxxxxxxx

StunnedAndShocked Tue 17-May-11 23:14:05

Congrats to you Myangelava
fingers & legs at this time for more to follow
X x

Mishtabel Wed 18-May-11 02:50:04

Hi ladies, was just popping in to check out your new thread. Have to say that I agree with Lins, in that the intro is very warm and welcoming - well done MrsBigz smile

I occasionally lurk on this thread just to see how you all are, though very rarely post here as, and I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive, I have moved on and can't relate as readily to the raw grief of those early days. I've said the same before, and I remember Cherry saying she found that hopeful, so I hope you feel the same. 

I've 'met' a few of you before, though am always sadly amazed at how many new names there are here. You're doing a great job of supporting each other. 
Hopefully we'll see you all over on the sister thread at some stage - it has usually been a natural, gradual progression for people at some stage during their pregnancy, but whatever works for you of course. 
Speaking of which -Congratulations MyAngelAva! I know it's early days, but everything crossed for you here for a boringly normal pregnancy. I have lost count of the number of babies born on the other thread, suffice to say there are many (including my little 16 month old), and I hope that gives you and everyone else here a bit of hope too.

Take care everyone xx

Mishtabel Wed 18-May-11 03:00:21

PS: I tend to say 'hope' a lot smile

blacktreaclecat Wed 18-May-11 06:30:44

Congratulations myangelava, lots of vibes for a healthy pregnancy

misty0 Wed 18-May-11 07:32:32

YAY grin well done myangel thats fabulous news. xxxxxxxxx How exciting!

cremegg Wed 18-May-11 09:46:25

YAYYYYYY to myangel and don't mean to share the limelight so soon but I just did a 'posh' test and gotta BFP 1-2 weeks!!!!

I thought I might have been from Sunday as boobs on fire as Indy's pregnancy, but just didnt dare admit it to self really. (did a couple of 'cheapies' and told myself it was prob a water mark not a faint bfp!)

ahhh! so feeling the same "myangel' mega excited that (what is it with our 'family in the same house' BDing?!) it all worked but cannot think for 2 seconds that it will go right this time.... lots of fingers crossed!

cinnamon you sound like you're having a right old time and really sound like you need a lovely treat for all you have going on! Can't believe you added dentistry to the mix, you're a v brave lady as i am terrified of the dentist! hope that crazy ex of your OH leaves her lads alone soon! maybe they'll get a bit of rest when her new baby turns up (poor thing!) xx

on the cat front... mine have got even more demanding now its getting colder and see it as their right to be able to sleep on our bed all day as its the only room that has the rad on in the morning, they put up a right fuss when i moved them out this morning (dont want a repeat of cat grass puke on the bed!)

stunned hope you are taking good care of yourself? lots of relaxing, books/mags, fave films etc. service sounds like it is the right thing to do for you, hope it goes as well as these things can, thinking of you xx

knitter your baking has made me feel so hungry! must sort out some dinner!

sorry to those i havent mentionned today, thinking of you all and thank you for always being the place I can let it all out!!


mrsbigz Wed 18-May-11 10:34:26

goodness me!!!! what a day for excitement and renewed hope for the future!!! cremegg congratulations to you smile you must be over the moon!!! congrats to you and your dh!! xxxxxxxxxxxx

sending many sticky vibes to both of you and hope you both have VERY normal and uneventful pregnancies xxx

KnitterNotTwitter Wed 18-May-11 10:44:31

oooh - how exciting well done myangel& and *cremegg so happy for you. Fingers crossed for a boring 9 months....

misty0 Wed 18-May-11 10:58:28

cremegg - YAY! to you too! What good news today! Twice. Oh how lovely grin And how great for the both of you to be preg. buddies. Congrats all round.

Cherrybug Wed 18-May-11 11:08:50

Hello all, well what a smashing surprise to read the good news! Start of a roll me thinks for all of you on this thread.

Myangel & Cremegg - How are you both feeling? I'm wondering if you are as terrified as I was on getting that BFP. But of course happy and excited and reassured that as Mishta says, many many lovely little ones have arrived on the sister thread over the years. Speaking of which I'll look forward to seeing you there as well as here. It's a scary old time but step by step with crossed fingers and deep breaths. And you know that we all here, and over on the other thread are holding your hands.

Cinnamon, goodness you must feel like you've been in a bloomin war. Hope Dentist is gentle, anti b's have finished off that kidney infection and you have some arnica to take care of those bruises. And lots of TLC from your mum.

Mrs Bigz - did laugh when I read about your complaint as to the lack of blue smarties!

Knitter/Stunned - hope you're doing ok in these early days.

Misty - hope AF has calmed down. I actually went swimming yesterday and thought of you.

Hi also to Egglet, Blacktreaclecat and Flower and to Bluecat if you're out there lurking. And anyone else if I've missed them - HI!

Right, I should be working but tummy is rumbling as usual so off to see what I can put together. I have some blueberries so perhaps some blueberry muffins but those banana and butterscotch will definately have to be tried at some point!

EggletinaClock Wed 18-May-11 13:08:51

Hello everyone

Myangelava and cremegg what absolutely brilliant news! Fingers tightly crossed for dull uneventful pregnancies for you both. I'm sure you're both anxious but there's plenty of us here to help however we can.

blacktreacle Hope I wasn't being too rude about cats! I'm just not a cat lover and am hugely allergic to them, so even if I did like them I wouldn't be able to indulge myself.

misty hope you're ok now. Cinnamon hope the dental treatment went as well as it could.

I'm in a bit of a state as I've finally got my appointment through for the cord karyotyping results. It's next Tuesday. I've got absolutely no idea what to expect, all I know is we will hopefully find out whether our baby's heart defects were caused by a chromosomal disorder or not. Has anyone else been through this and could tell me if there was anything else they were told so I can try to prepare. I'm getting very anxious about it.

misty0 Wed 18-May-11 13:51:30

egglet - my appt.'s next Tuesday as well. 12.15. The colnsultants secretary has told me the results will be there for my OH and I's translocation blood tests - so you and i can mentaly hand hold each other that day. smile

Hi cherrybug - nice to see you again xx well done for the swimming grin i went today again now AF has gone .....

blacktreaclecat - bring on the brownies! lol - what you were saying about your kitties - its true, our animals are part of the family too. Its human nature to love and want to be loved. And that love can extend to all the living things that share your life. Its what makes us all tick!

mrsbigz - for your service for Eve tomorrow evening we will all be thinking of you. Hopefully it will be a mixture of sandess AND joy - to cellebrate her memory.

I was thinking the other day that i dont always want to be sad when i think of my lost one. I've tried to cultivate a feeling of 'what will be, will be' and my babys life was a symbol of my OH and i's love for each other and our wish to enhance that love with a child together. And we did - just not quite as successfully as we would have wanted. And so on with the having another go....!

cinnamon - thinking of you lovie xx

My Aunt Flo has left. smile Left the house quite dramatically yesterday actually! One min its full on - and then gone. No little smudges or anything. Oh well ...... glad she's gone - ha!


MyangelAva Wed 18-May-11 14:00:22

Thank you mishtabel, it is hopeful and I have to say, I do feel different with each month that passes. Here's hoping that we all get to that place where we can 'live' with the grief and move on, without forgetting, fairly soon.

Thank you to everyone else for your good vibes and quiet congratulations to cremegg. I had forgotten that you were with family too smile I am a bit scared but I do feel a bit optimistic for the first time in a long while. The problem is that I had always sort of thought that getting pregnant wad the hard bit, then obviously staying pregnant for 12 weeks and then Ava. And now I realise it's the beginning of a long journey.

EggletinaClock Wed 18-May-11 14:02:10

I'll try misty but I'm not sure I'll be much use! I'm just trying to get in touch with ARC as I need to know what the worst case scenario is from the karyotyping as I need to prepare myself for that. One of the things this whole experience has left me with is a terror of being in a medical consultation and just not having any idea of what bad news might come next.

MyangelAva Wed 18-May-11 14:18:53

Sorry, I forgot to post my last message and have now x posted with Egglet & misty. it's a shame that you both have to wait until Tues but it's nice that you've got each other to hand hold. I obv have no experience of this because I knew Ava's diagnosis before termination but my meeting with the genetic counsellors re translocation etc was really helpful and informative. I think that it was helpful for me to take some questions with me as I checked that they had all been answered in the end as my head was spinning after the hour or so I was in there.

misty, I'm also glad that AF has left the building and that you're feeling ok now! And mrsbigz I wouldn't necessarily recommend the silent bd'ing, but f it does the trick then I think you all need to invite family to stay in a fortnight! On a serious note, also thinking of you at Eve's service. I too needed to be there for Ava's funeral or I felt we were letting her down and although it took a bit of persuading DH, we are both glad we went now. Big hugs to you xx

MyangelAva Wed 18-May-11 14:21:11

I've done it again! I type too slow, sorry Egglet x

Ps I think it's a good idea to do a little research so that you have some background knowledge for when you're in there too. Please try and stay positive, although that's easier said than done when we've all been in 'worst case scenario' territory x

Cinnamondog Wed 18-May-11 18:58:10

Can't really post much as on crappy phone but WOO HOO! I am so, so, so happy myangel & cremegg!! Lots of love for what will be happy healthy pregnancies!! xxxxxx

manitz Wed 18-May-11 20:45:18

hello, quick one from me as dropping in from other thread when supposed to be something else. Many congratulations for myangelava and cremegg. exciting and scary, hope the time goes quickly and that you are able to enjoy the pregnancies for what they are.

Eggletina, when I had my genetic counselling (is that what you mean by the cord kariotype??) it was pretty disappointing. I had built it up into closure and they said, we think the heart prob was just one of those things. I had a couple of odd things which were unrelated - dh has a balanced translocation and I had a problem with my liver which could lead to scirrosis (can't spell it). Although I was glad I wasn't a carrier it left me wishing I didn't know that about myself and I had expected to get answers but it was just bad luck which is what a lot of people seem to find.

I'm really sorry I don't know but did you find out in the end if there were any chromosonal issues with your baby? I guess cos my heart problem wasn't one normally linked iwht chromosonal abnormalities it wasn't really an issue but nothing was found to make us carriers of anything so when i had my termination for T21 I didn't bother with genetic counselling this time round. I'm not sure if that helps you prepare for the meeting at all but at the time of ours I read quite a few people who had a similar experience as me - expecting answers but not really getting any.

EggletinaClock Wed 18-May-11 22:01:47

Hi manitz and thanks. (Karyotyping is just the analysis they do either from cvs, amnio or cord blood samples.) No, I don't know whether there was a chromosomal problem as they said no point going through an amnio when the heart defect alone was enough for us to feel we had to terminate. They said they estimated a 90% there was. This afternoon I had a good talk to someone at ARC (and a bit of a cry) and she said that basically the worst case was finding a translocation and that had a 25% chance of recurring. We talked about my general anxiety too and she was very helpful. They really are an excellent organisation. So I've calmed down and what will be will be, as I'm often thinking these days, I've got through worse.

myangelava you're right and it is hard to think positive but I suppose that's what we're all going to have to learn to do in various ways.

So just a quick hello to everyone and sorry for being all mememe.

misty0 Thu 19-May-11 08:24:07

Morning girls -

Good that you've spoken to ARC egglet. Its interesting to know what the different profesionals say. About translocation - thats something i'm worrying about actualy. I've not spoken to any one profesional about this since when the consultant came to see me b4 sending me home on The Day.

I asked him about risks for us when ttc again - he explained then that one of the reasons that they like to do translocation testing on the parents of babies who have been identified as having a chromasonal dosorder, is not only so that the parents can know what the risk of it happening to them again is (he said not to worry too much about that, as the increased risk for DS would only be slight even if we tested positive. And thats very rare) but more importantly a translocation from me could have been passed on to existing children to make them carriers. ie: in those circumstances my daughters would want to get tested b4 trying for children themselves. Again only a slight risk for them, even if they were positive. (OH has no children of his own so the 'buck would stop there' for him)

Now at this point he lost me! lol. Genetics are tricky to grasp at the best of times let alone 3 hours after having a GA! I got the basics i think ....but this is something i'm ready to ask about again on Tuesday.

I still dont know if we are going to get any more info on baby. I spoke to the consultants secretary yesterday (very sweet) and she said it didnt look like there were any reports for us other than the translocation testing....i mentioned the CVS results: boy or girl, more info on the heart porblem ect and she said she'd make sure that any info still in the system would be given to us on Tuesday. i dont know how hard to push for this ..... part of me wants to just press on with 'now', IYKWIM? Not go hard to know whats best .....

Me,me,me - sorry!

Cherrybug Thu 19-May-11 09:32:31

Hi Egglet and Misty.

Our baby girl had an unbalanced translocation. It was a very rare combination X:19 so there was a loss of X material and duplication of part of 19. There were over 600 genes from 19 in the extra material and we were told that this would mean very severe problems if she survived at all. Our geneticist was very clear that the effects of this translocation would be very severe which is why we ended the pregnancy. We were advised that if we wanted to try again we should have genetic testing in case one of us was carrying a balanced translocation. This was likely to be me as it was an X chromosome involved and as men only have one X chromosome there would likely be effects on him if there was a problem with it. We already have a DD and were told that if I did have a balanced translocation of X:19 then either she would have the same balanced translocation as me or she would have normal chromosomes. If she had the same balanced translocation this would only become a potential problem if she had children herself where there would be the risk of her having an unbalanced baby (as we did with Leila).

I was worried sick, convinced that I was carrying a balanced translocation and terrified to get the result. The results came back that I was not a carrier and Leilas problem was de novo - which meant it was just random very bad luck. I was reminded before hand that no matter what, I had a healthy child already which meant I could do again. I was also told that often these things are de novo. It was a relief for us to know that we werent carriers but it also made me feel like it was even more unfair as there wasnt even a reason that our baby should have such a rare thing.

If in the unlikely event one of you is found to have a translocation on one of your chromosomes then you will get genetic counselling where they will tell you the risk of having a problem in a future pregnancy. We comforted ourselves with the fact that even in the worse case scenario we would never again go through what we went through with Leila as we would know in advance and have very early testing etc to identify any problems in a future pregnancy. Thankfully it didnt come to that.

Good luck with getting the results, As someone else said (Myangel?) write a list of questions and make sure you ask everything you want to ask.

Cherrybug Thu 19-May-11 09:40:48

I should add that the translocation involved in DS is different I think - Robertsonian translocation which is different from our situation. There is lots of info online re translocations and the charity Unique have some good information -

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