Would you like to be a member of our research panel? Join here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive offered for your views.
Very scared / paranoid(42 Posts)
maybe look at it the other way, try to enjoy your pregnancy, i know it's very easy to say rather than put into practice but you can worry all you like but the outcome will be the same.
try to be positive
No you aren't going mad.
I haven't experienced all you have but have had some similar to you.
You need to find some help to help you stay calm. My dh and mw were great here and so understanding and supportive.
Of course you will feel like this it is natural that you just daren't get up hope.
Do you have any rl friends or health care specialists you can talk to so you can gain some perspective.
I know it is hard and I never settled until I was holding dd in my arms.
btw i had placenta previa with my ds2 and it was bloody scary but in hindsight i wish i had enjoyed being pregnant more that i did. it was just worry from the start but he is now a fantastic little boy of 12
I think you need some help managing your (understandable) anxieties, and the thoughts that lead to them. It sounds like classic CBT would help you a lot, which focuses on how thoughts and behaviours interact to produce anxieties. It will help you identify how a behaviour or feeling (eg back pain) leads to a thought (something is going wrong with the baby) which then leads to panic and subsequent catastrophic thoughts, which then fuels the whole thing, and techniques to interrupt this cycle. Women can feel like this in pregnancy even without previous fertility issues you discussed, and it sounds like it has become more than everyday nerves and worry.
See your doctor and tell them you are suffering, you can get CBT on the NHS or if you can afford it or have private healthcare insurance it is quicker to go private.
The irony is you are mentally anguished while physically all evidence to date is that everything is going fine and looking likely to stay that way - try to remind yourself of this, and do whatever you can to relax - yoga, relaxation CD, positive affirmations, pregnancy massage, long walks - whatever helps. And actively consider the millions of pregnancies and births that routinely work out fine, rather than search out or dwell on the stories where they don't, which seem plentiful but in reality are much fewer than the 'everything went fine' outcomes.
I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. Whilst I haven't had the same experiences as you, I feel really anxious about this pregnancy. I was convinced this would never happen and I still can't bring myself to believe it
However the best piece of advice was actually from this board. Someone said to just appreciate this moment, the fact that I am pregnant right now, and that I have this time with her. Sounds silly but it really helped me focus on the fact that right now, she exists and that is something to enjoy and cherish.
I can't imagine how hard it was to go through what you have, but please just go and be monitored whenever you feel you need it - even if it's every day! It's your baby and you must do whatever you feel is right to make you feel better. They won't judge you at Triage, that's what they are there for.
Keep going, you're doing great
Agree to go and be checked out if you are worried! As howabout says, that is what they are there for.
Hi- just saw your other post and realised why you sounded so worried about a cold!!
I'm in a similar boat - nervously pregnant after losses. Know of people who have had stillbirth, cot death etc' too and it doesn't help.
There is a threat for pregnancy after loss (the posifrickentivity thread) which you may find reassuring!
Also ask your midwife about the perenatal psychiatry service. It is quite normal to have this service if you're in our boat and it is enormously helpful.
Don't worry about going to hospital for reduced movements: they will be glad to help you. Otherwise you'll just be worried.
Fox I haven't got a doppler - same reason as you, could cause more fears!
I know what you mean about the fear. I had a mc and a horrendous time with an early scan with this pregnancy. I have bipolar and a few other things including hg and sometimes have sometimes felt I was losing my mind. Pregnancy is so stressful.
I found the rundown to 30 weeks painfully slow. Dh took my phone away from me several times and I was banned from reading bad stories. Every day I'd say, has the bump grown? Can I feel her move? No way would he let me have a doppler!
What I found was that a) I didn't feel anything regular till 25 weeks and b) even after then it wasn't constant every day. Sometimes there was loads and other days I'd spend in tears as i could barely feel her.
Now I'm past 30 weeks and the baby is so much bigger I can feel her kick much more. The pregnancy still feels like longest ever but that's for different reasons now and not so much due to anxiety! Just want to meet her.
My obstetrician said that so long as the pattern of movement was the same, the regularity and frequency didn't matter. So mine is super active early morning with pretty much nothing in the afternoon and then again at night she perks up. Then middle of the night nothing too much.
The other thing is that we are all different too as are our babies. If they are lying inwards then I feel very little but if she is facing out then wow!
It will become more regular. I found hypobirthing cds helped keep me calm as did pregnancy yoga. There is this little trick where if you put your hand on your belly the baby will move towards it, then if you put your hand on another part of your belly the baby will go there instead. It's really cool
It's not easy to relax I know but take faith in that you baby and your body know what to do.
The best line I heard recently was from a young obstetrician at our local delivery suite, "People with your past will be nervous. That's natural. You won't enjoy the pregnancy, you will be worried, and it's normal, we expect you to be this way."
This is brilliant and very right.
You learn from your experiences and instinctively react in a certain way. So if you have been exposed to loss or a traumatic situation either directly or indirectly through people who you are close then its very normal to react in a very fearful way. The reality that something bad can happen, is just that, a reality, rather than some statistic that happens to other people. Sometimes you just need to understand and accept that rather than comparing yourself to others who haven't shared the same life experiences to you.
I think that looking round at others and seeing how excited and happy they are about the same thing can make you question yourself even more, as you don't stop to consider the fact that we are all different. The idea that not everyone does enjoy pregnancy and doesn't share that same sense of excitement isn't really talked about. But would you expect people to be more or less forthcoming about sharing anxiety rather joy?
If you are suffering from extreme anxiety, I'd also recommend what squizita about finding out about perinatal mental health support. My first appointment was a total disaster if I'm honest, but my second has been brilliant and really helped. The biggest thing has ultimately been that they know that I need extra support and that they are willing to do various extra things to enable that, which aren't routine. That and reassuring me, that I'm not a basket case, just a different kind of normal. The less talked about and acknowledged normal.
I've personally ruled out CBT for a few reasons. Just didn't think it was right for me. And something like hypnobirthing isn't really right either for me (having an ELCS for anxiety).
I was having trouble finding something that I felt that I could engage with. By chance DH decided to pick up a copy of 'The Chimp Paradox' by Dr Steve Peters (The GB Cycling Psychologist) at weekend, as he's really into sports. He's been a little bit at his wits end on how to help me cope as its affecting him too, but suggested I read it. I was dubious but agreed to appease him.
So far I am finding it amazingly helpful just to understand how I think and where my anxiety is coming from and DH nearly cried as suddenly he understood where I was coming from better. We are only 3 chapters in and I know it sounds a bit mumbo jumbo, but it does seem to be helping us both. I like the fact its more general about life rather than focussed on being pregnant to be honest, as it doesn't feed into concerns I have in the same way that other approaches might. And I'm liking the fact that I read it in complete privacy in my own time, on my own terms.
I agree about joining the pregnancy after miscarriage thread, all the ladies are lovely and there's plenty of hand holding and support, which can be a huge help.
Personally I too found that the worst of the fear and paranoia hit me at about 24 weeks, I was expecting it to get less then, but it got particularly bad between 24 and 28 weeks, which wasn't helped by a lot of other complications and a lot of periods of reduced movement during that time, thankfully all seems to have settled down now though, touch wood!
Don't ever feel embarassed to go to the hospital, I was in four times in one week for reduced movements not that long ago, and the hospital said they'd rather see someone in every single day than have them sat at home worrying about whether something might be wrong.
At about 26 weeks I felt like my mental health was at it's lowest ebb, I felt worse than I had in a very long time, but as I got to 30 weeks it started to get better, things settled down and baby was getting bigger and stronger, and could be provoked into tantrums more easily to get him moving when he was being stubborn . I'm now 31+4 and not wanting to talk anything up, but I'm feeling happier and more relaxed than I have been for ages. Something which helped massively for me was getting my ELCS agreed and a date in the diary for it.
Take it one step at a time, one day at a time, you've had some great advice on this thread, but remember to be gentle with yourself xxx.
I am also 24 weeks and completely stressed out.
My experience is different- my last dd was born with huge disabilities. I knew in pregnancy something wasn't 'quite right' but couldn't get anyone to listen to me until 35 weeks. She was born at 36 weeks and handed to me to hold until she passed away. Thankfully, she had other plans, and stayed for 13 months before leaving me.
With this pregnancy, I'm so scared something will be missed again. Not that I would do anything differently, but I would like to know about any problems before the birth this time. But my anxieties have moved on from my dd's problems to other equally awful scenarios, many of which you mentioned in your OP. I've no idea how to get through the next 14 weeks without anxiety. It's difficult being pregnant without the innocence and joy that I see in other people, but equally I don't want to wish this time away.
Hoping you get some useful advice OP and wishing you a healthy and uneventful pregnancy.
Basically my brain should be challenged; you can take the same thing and present it to me in four different ways. The one that has the most logic, intellectual and fresh approach will probably work.
In my case you can line up a hundred "super duper" pregnancy psychiatrists repeating the same thing, I'll just dismiss it as boring, same old stuff. Not because I'm mad, but because I already know about it.
Haha, sounds very familiar...
Seriously consider having a look at that book.
It works on the principle that we have two parts of the brain that control our actions. We have a part that does the logical thinking and a part that does the emotional thinking. And they don't always work together.
Its puts it in a way that explains why you might "know" something from the evidence, but still act in a way that is completely contradictory to that logic. The logical part understand the likelihood of something, but your emotional part still goes "but what if...". It is a bit of a 'lightbulb' moment in understanding why you can't reconcile why you can be so irrational yet understand x, y and z.
It is an easy read, but actually I think thats part of its appeal but it doesn't insult your intelligence at the same.
What you described as wanting was exactly what I got from the perenatal team, BTW. Its very mindfulness based, about realistic chances, knowing and coping.
You know you can change midwife if you want to, also? You don't have to go private for that! In fact, almost all the private consultants who are very highly rated also do NHS work: if you don't like your care, ask to change.
And don't worry about food etc too much. Just as you find the NHS blase, I found some private/alternative clinics gave an exhaustive list of "forbiddens" with no scientific backing to cynically hook frightened women in and keep them paying. I managed to get onto a world famous team on the NHS (by asking repeatedly) and read extensively; I found there are few things we can control bar the right medication and regular checks.
Join the discussion
Please login first.