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Am I insane to go on a birthing centre tour at 6 weeks?

(36 Posts)
bumbleumble Fri 20-Sep-13 20:12:57

Ok, please be gentle, as I'm worried about this!

I'm tocophobic and always planned to have an ELCS, maybe privately. Since getting my positive test I've started thinking about VB. A complete surprise to me. Basically I'm worrying about the negatives of several sections (planning 2-3 kids) and wondering if I'm foolish for letting my anxiety stop me from having an experience which many people describe as profound/ moving/ enjoyable/ emotional. I'm so worried about what to do that I wake up every night worrying. I know that's daft to worry about the delivery so early on. But if I want to have a private section it'd be better to book the surgeon by the time of my 1st scan, as some get booked up early, and if I want to seek an NHS section I should tell my midwife early on. So I feel like I need to make a decision about what I want in the next couple of months.

I worked on a hospital labour ward, and found it a really stressful environment, so I wanted to research midwife-led centres. I found a midwife-led centre nearby that sounds really calm and supportive. On the other hand I worried that it wasn't attached to a hospital if something goes wrong. They offer regular group tours, so I booked onto one to find out more. When I booked the tour the Receptionist cheerfully said that I was obviously keen to book a tour so early.

This tour is tomorrow, and this afternoon another Receptionist phones me, and says that I can't go on the tour, as you have to be 20 weeks first. I was upset, as I need to make an initial decision before then, and I think that this tour would help me decide. I panicked and was quite pushy, and I could hear a Midwife laughing in the background. The Receptionist reluctantly agreed that I can go on the tour anyway, but made it clear that she thought I was being unreasonable.

But now I'm really nervous about going. Will they think I'm insane? Will the other women on the tour think I'm odd, as I'm clearly not nearly as pregnant as them? I can be assertive over the phone but I'm shy in person, and I'm worried what to say if the midwife is rude to me for being pushy, or if they change their mind and turn me away. My partner said I should just go and not worry about what they think.

btw I know that pregnancies can commonly miscarry early, but we'd try to get pregnant again, so I still think it would be useful.

I just wanted to get some opinions about whether I'm being very crazy.

SirChenjin Fri 20-Sep-13 20:16:01

Honestly? Yes, I think you're being a bit bonkers grin But - it's your pregnancy and if you think it will help, then why not just go? How often do they run the tours? Could you leave it until your pregnancy is a bit further on?

Pascha Fri 20-Sep-13 20:17:03

Not crazy at all. Go, take a friend or your partner for moral support and remember that the staff will forget you very quickly so sod them.

Effjay Fri 20-Sep-13 20:20:27

Just a word of warning ... I miscarried at 11 weeks with my first, so I wouldn't get too carried away with the birth at this stage.

SirChenjin Fri 20-Sep-13 20:22:47

Me too Effjay sad

scarlettsmummy2 Fri 20-Sep-13 20:23:33

Effjay- was that necessary????? Really???. Go on the tour if you want. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

PistachioTruffle Fri 20-Sep-13 20:24:00

If you think it will make you feel better, then why not? You could always go again a bit later in your pregnancy for another look, and if you confide in your midwife about your anxieties when you have your appointment she might be able to suggest other ways to support you. Just wear a baggy jumper and ignore everyone else!

stargirl1701 Fri 20-Sep-13 20:24:55

I miscarried my first pregnancy at 11 weeks too. I would wait until 20 weeks OP.

DaleyBump Fri 20-Sep-13 20:30:28

I think it was necessary - it can be incredibly difficult to come to terms with a miscarriage and seeing the place where you would plan to give birth could make it even more difficult. It's something to think about.

SirChenjin Fri 20-Sep-13 20:35:52

Agree Daley.

lolablu Fri 20-Sep-13 21:13:13

it is a really difficult one. I am at 6 weeks and it seems like you need to be an expert in everything by your booking appointment. I have been given so many leaflets etc about different ways of giving birth its really overwhelming. However, I don't think I would actuslly go to a centre now, I want to have my scan first. Have you looked online for videos of generic ones and progs like one brn every minute and midwifes. you can get a feel for themt hat way to start with?

bumbleumble Fri 20-Sep-13 21:39:52

Thanks for the advice.... yes, reading my message back, it does sound bonkers! I would happily delay for a month or so, but I wouldn't want to wait till 20weeks, as I need to decide vb vs elcs and nhs vs private before then, and as they were so reluctant to let me on the tour I'm worried that they would refuse if I tried to re book it later. Yes good advice lolablu, I could have done more research online first about generic videos. I guess I just want to get a feel for the place and ask some questions.

Thank you for the points about the chance of a miscarriage, I don't think that this experience would make me feel worse about a miscarriage, but of course I can't predict how I'd feel, so thank you for bringing that up.

My partner says he'll come with me, he was surprised that birth centres don't put more information on their websites.

Ha ha yes maybe I should have kept quiet and worn a big baggy jumper! I might have had some explaining to do if I tried to book with them though!

LadyMedea Fri 20-Sep-13 22:03:05

I think if its part of your way of starting to deal with the phobia then go, screw what anyone else thinks.

But I think the most important thing is to get some treatment whether is something like CBT or hypnotherapy. Yes a c section is an option, but vaginal birth is generally lower risk and if you are planning multiple DCs It seems worth investing the time in yourself to try and get to grips with the phobia.

princesscupcakemummyb Fri 20-Sep-13 22:10:25

hi op i relise this is not the hospital you want but heres a virtual tour of a maternity services not sure if this helps

i do think you should do whats best for you take care smile

NomDeClavier Fri 20-Sep-13 22:23:13

I can see why you'd want to decide NHS/private editor 20weeks but why CS/VB? I would work on trying for a VB in your shoes (and therefore go look round, get counselling) while simultaneously getting HCPs to accept that while you're making a concentrated effort to overcome your phobia an ELCS should remain open until the very last minute.

BlackberrySeason Fri 20-Sep-13 22:29:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackberrySeason Fri 20-Sep-13 22:30:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngusAndElspethsThistleWhistle Fri 20-Sep-13 22:36:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Fri 20-Sep-13 22:38:22

I think the reason that they are laughing at you booking in and also putting you off is that, in a normal situation it would be bonkers to be doing this so early.

Sadly, so many miscarriages happen that our midwives won't see anyone before 8 weeks even for an appointment with them. That's about resources. And managing understanding about the precariousness of early pregnancy.

On another note, some women who discover that they are pregnant get so wrapped up in planning the perfect birth that they go into overdrive and become obsessed, probably then wanting multiple tours. Again, resources and relevance. I know I wouldn't retain most useful information or be able to think of sensible questions so early.

But your situation isn't normal. You are dealing with a phobia. I think in your situation you are totally sensible to go on the tour. However, in pregnancy generally, as in most things with the NHS, you will find that you tend to find it easier to agree special arrangements if you explain upfront why they are relevant and important to you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope whatever choices you make go smoothly for you smile

SirChenjin Fri 20-Sep-13 23:04:10

Do you know for certain that they were laughing at you? It could easily have been that something funny happened at the other end of the phone (at least, I would like to think that's what happened)

Smitten1981 Fri 20-Sep-13 23:09:14

I toured my birthing centre last night and I'm 35 weeks, they didn't let me book one until the month before I was due. I would wait, especially if you are unsure as you will probably change your mind a few times while you are pregnant.

bumbleumble Sat 21-Sep-13 09:34:11

Thanks for the advice. I haven't gone on the tour this morning because I had a panic attack in the night about it. I kept ruminating about having to explain myself, and ended up in tears, and couldn't get back to sleep for several hours. I'm really tired, and there is building work opposite so I can't get back to sleep now!

I know that it isn't logical to overreact so much, I guess that's why it's a phobia. I am having CBT for anxiety which was really helpful, but since finding out I'm pregnant my anxiety has come back with a vengeance. I do worry about the effect excessive anxiety will have on my developing baby.

My partner sensibly says I should go on the tour to confront my anxiety, but I'm so tired, and on reflection I think my anxiety wouldn't be compatible with a stand-alone midwife unit, as I may worry too much about having a complication away from the hospital.

I'm going to research if I can find a nice NHS midwife unit attached to a hospital in London. And look at hyponobirthing, doulas and independent midwives.

My partner says he'll happily pay for private care if it helps me feel calmer. Maybe I should take him up on that. I worry as it's a lot of money, esp if we have 2-3 kids, although perhaps by the 2nd I'd be more confident.

Do let me know if you have any other suggestions for dealing with anxiety.

TobyLerone Sat 21-Sep-13 10:10:56

You don't have to make your mind up about the birth for aaaaages yet. And certainly not by 20 weeks.

BlackberrySeason Sat 21-Sep-13 10:44:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackberrySeason Sat 21-Sep-13 10:55:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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