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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Pregnant at 20..

52 replies

LovelyKatie · 07/07/2010 22:41

Hello, I have just found out I am pregnant.

I am only 20.

I'm scared. I dont know what to do. My boyfriend and I are stable and have been together for 2 years.

Im terrfied. I went to the doctors today and she referred me but said in the time of waiting I could cancel my appointment.

Im scared of what this will mean for me. Im used to myself. Just getting up when I want and going to sleep whenever and I love my job too and all my friends there. But I now feel this life inside me and I just want to protect it even though its only 5 weeks old.

I need some advice from mums who know what this is like. Im just a wreck.

Thanks

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catbus · 07/07/2010 22:47

I don't understand; refer you for what? Sorry to be thick!

I was pg with my 1st at 22; my partner and I were together a few months before conception..
We are now married and been together 13 years!

It IS scary and parenthood is lifechanging; mostly in a good way.

Regarding sleep; I still love it and it's not forever that you geet much less of it!

I hope that you slowly are able to adjust to the shock; I know it took me a good while and that feeling of being overwhelmed and scared doesn't mean anything other than you are normal and thinking things through.

I am pg with DC4 now and STILL have those feelings! Good luck with everything

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going · 07/07/2010 22:52

I got pregnant at 21. Has only been with boyfirend for a short time. 11 years later and we are still together with 3 children.

It was scarey but it is at any age as it is a big change in life.

Good luck!

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hellymelly · 07/07/2010 22:55

I've had my babies in my forties (not by choice,by lack of a nice partner) and the one thing I will tell my dds is to have theirs young if they can.I know a few mothers about your age,as my children are v.small,and they are really great mothers.Having a baby young is not too terrible,babies are fab and when you are young you are more easy going about taking them about with you etc.I have a 50 year old friend who had her daughter at 19 and so took her to festivals etc,no problems and the daughter now has the most amazing voice.Having your children in your 20's gives you lots of freedom and choices about your family size,you could leave it ten years before you have another,or have three close together and one last one at 40,whatever you like.Congratulations on your pregnancy,and btw,my best friend and my two other oldest freinds have all been with their partners since they were 18.all still really happy together.

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LovelyKatie · 07/07/2010 22:56

Referred me for abortion.

I really appreciate these comments. I feel all alone. I cant tell no one.

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going · 07/07/2010 22:58

If you are thinking of having an abortion you really need to speak to an orginisation like Maire Stoppes. They will be able to give you impartial advice.

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LovelyKatie · 07/07/2010 23:03

I dont wish to have one now.

I just crave advice from those who know and have been there before.

Im scared of not knowing what to do or being alone.

but even though Im only 6 weeks Im already thinkin of names and that is a beautiful baby inside me.

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bronze · 07/07/2010 23:06

I was pregnant with my first at 21. It's not that unusual so I'm sure there will be plenty of people to reassure you.

As for not knowing what to do, I don't think thats an age thing but you may be surprised at how much ir instinct and or trial and error.

Btw I have 4 now so it can't have been that bad

I think this is why you have 9 months to prepare yourself

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hellymelly · 07/07/2010 23:08

You have to follow your heart,however hard it is to block out all the conflicting advice and wishes of anyone else,it is you who will be living with your decision and so you need to feel that an abortion is absolutely the way you want to go or don't do it.I would have been very scared being pregnant at 20 but if you decide you want the baby then there is help and support to be had out there.Not so long ago most women had babies at your age,it really is ok,if you do want the baby.
There is also adoption as an option if you don't want an abortion,but you sound more as though you do want your baby. I've never had a termination,but there are other women on here who would help and support you if you chose to do that.
good luck.

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Valpollicella · 07/07/2010 23:11

I echo the above...

Do you feel like you can't go ahead with the PG? If so, Marie Stopes is a good place to start to be able to talk to someone. They are wonderfully impartial and will really be able to help you to think things through.

FWIW though..

I was 24 when I got PG with DS and I was the most 'used to myself' person I knew. Went out every night, slept late etc.

But I adjusted - PG has a way of getting you into the habit of going to bed early etc

But now, 4 years on. I still go out. Still do the same as I did before...Yes you may have to negotiate a lie in (lol) but your life is not over. Trust me.

It'll be different. But most def not over.

And I tell you that as someone who thought the same as you.

But I can appreciate you might feel differently. Speak to people hon, (the accredited councellors), and I hope you can reach the right decision for you and no one else xx

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LovelyKatie · 07/07/2010 23:12

Thanks Helly

your advice really means so much to me..

My mum would go mad at me for 'wasting' my life and my i know my dad would be so disappointed in me.

I wish my nan was here so she could help me.

I have never really been close to my family i that way and in the 2 years of being with my boyfriend I am closer to his mum than most of my family. I would tell her but she is quite biased as my boyfriend has a 3yr old from a previous relationship and its very difficult and she already thinks his 3yr old doesnt get enough love. (she had him when she was 16)

Im so confused. I need to know im not in the wrong for being pregnant.

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LovelyKatie · 07/07/2010 23:15

I feel so much better at having finally had people offer me impartial advice and not just typical doctor advice but mums advice.

Iv always been maternal but this soon?

Thats something I never banked on

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SparklyJules · 07/07/2010 23:17

My mum said to my cousin when she got pregnant at 19 "why are you worrying? There are worse things that could happen to you than a baby." I think she was trying to be positive!

But seriously, you sound like you do want to keep your baby so well done, congratulations and go for it - yes, it's scary (at any age) but it's also amazing and wonderful.

You have a job, you have friends, and a partner, you will be surprised how much support you will receive when you tell people you are having a baby and tell them how excited you are.

Good Luck! Embrace the future!

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booyhoo · 07/07/2010 23:18

i got pg with ds1 at 18. not planned. OH wanted an abortion. i had no doubt in my mind taht i wanted it. OH and i split up so i was a single parent. ds is 5 now, and i am going to be honest with you teh hardest part has been knowing that it will be along time before i am able to do my own thing again without having to arrange babysitters. but i love being mum. it was scary at the start, i didn't have a clue what i was doing but you learn along teh way. have you got good support with your family? do you work? at uni?

i think you should sit down and decide what this means for your life. will you continue to work/uni/whatever you do? will you have somewhere to live? will family be there to help? is your bf supportive? lots of questions and you need to think about them all.

tehre is always great advice on here aswell so know that if you need to talk you can. lots of people have been there and will give you lots of different perspective s on it.

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booyhoo · 07/07/2010 23:21

btw my dad cried when i told him. it is the only time in my life i have seen him cry but you know what my son is the apple of his eye. he follows granda round like a puppy dog and my dad thinks teh world of him.

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Valpollicella · 07/07/2010 23:43

Never banked myself on having DS at 24. Couldn't be without him now.

Seriously. What do you want?

A child might delay something you might really want to to do. But it doesn't make it impossible. Honestly, the first coulple of years go so fast....

OTH if you you really feel this is something you can't do there are so many people who will help you through it

But. To me your posts are trying to seek reassurance all will be ok if you have the baby?

Nothing wrong with being maternal early on. At all. And lets face it ...19/20 isn't that young (sorry )

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mrswill · 07/07/2010 23:57

LovelyKatie.

Firstly - Your life does not stop when you have a baby, this myth that having a baby is the end of life as we know it is one of the most damaging around. You can still do all the things you want to do, you just need to plan a bit more in advance . You can still work, go out, see friends etc, you just have things you need to do with the baby also.

Having a baby can disrupt any stage of life, its just up to you, which stage you want it to be! Fair enough, you wont be able to have as much freedom in your early twenties as most, but you wont also have to halt your career in its tracks at 30 in order to have them.

Like someone has already said - there are worse things than having a baby. It can actually be quite fun, believe it or not!

If you do not feel ready though, then a termination is a valid option, that you have no need to feel guilty about.

Best of luck in whatever you decide

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AhickeyfromKenickie · 08/07/2010 00:00

Hi, I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time at the mo. As someone who was a young mother, the best advice I can offer you is to disregard the opinions of your family for a moment, and think about what is best for you. If people are disappointed with you, well they'll get over it, that shouldn't be on your list of concerns.
I know how hard it is to try and think practically about such an emotional issue. My main thought was, what will I regret more in the years to come? Please try not to be swayed by guilt, or what other people may think. It will be you going through this, it needs to be your decision alone.
Being a young mother is not all doom and gloom, I was back at work when DS was nearly 2, it doesn't have to be benefits and council houses! I was pregnant with DS at 17 (18 when he was born). I was already living by myself by then (I moved out when I was 16), so luckily I didn't have any family disapproval to contend with, I was already financially independent so I just got on with it, really! It was really hard, I have to be honest. I was just a typical selfish teenager then. It rocked my world not being able to lie in until noon, and I was pretty skint for the first year, all my money went on the baby rather than me. It was hard work, but I did it, and I enjoyed it once I'd found my feet. Just having my baby with me got me through the tired, down-in-the-dumps days, just knowing I had this little man who was mine and whatever happened I would always have him with me was a million times better than having the freedom to go to the pub when I wanted
The only thing I did regret was not being able to go to uni with everyone else, I had to wait until I was 27. I'm 31 now, and my DS is almost 14, so I figure by the time he's 18 I will still be very young, and then that'll be my time to do all the things I didn't get to do when I was a teenager, like travelling.
You need to see an impartial councellor ASAP to talk through your options. But only you can make the decision. I hope maybe this helps some, and I haven't said anything to upset you. I really do wish you the best of luck XXX

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foreverastudent · 08/07/2010 00:11

I got pregnant at 21 and everyone thought I was crazy for keeping my DS. But 8 years on my fellow graduates are either terribly broody but have fertility/relationship problems or have careers which have hit the glass ceiling, despite remaining childless.

FWIW I was very worried about the lack of sleep but it wasn't anywhere as bad as some would paint it.

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Ryuk · 08/07/2010 00:14

Hi LovelyKatie, I've only been with my partner for a year, and am pregnant at 23. Ours was planned (various reactions to that, mostly negative, but we feel we're doing the right thing for us), but I just wanted to say that even though yours was a surprise, you sound already like you're going to be a good parent, and I don't think 20 is too young at all - you'll have more enrgy at this age, you're probably in a good physical conditon to cope with it, and you sound protective and interested in its welfare. I can think of plenty of worse situations for a baby to be born into!

Of course I'm not trying to pressure you or anything, and if you decide that termination is right for you then that's what you should do - but only if it's for you. I'm sure things will be ok. Just make sure your decision is based on what you want, not what other people tell you.

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Ryuk · 08/07/2010 00:15

Oh and also, even with ours being planned, it's still very scary. I think being scared sometimes might be an inevitable side effect of being pregnant whether it's a surprise or not!

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TeenyTinyToria · 08/07/2010 01:19

I had ds (unplanned) when I was 20, and he is a lovely little bundle of joy. Yes, it's hard work and scary, but I went on to have a dd as well, and I also have a successful career. Go for it! and good luck

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going · 08/07/2010 09:06

LovelyKatie I will admit that I do feel like I have missed out a bit starting my family young but I always look to the future. My friends are able to travel on a whim at the moment which we can't afford to do, in a few years we will be able to do that while our friends have young babies/are paying for fertility treatment.

Your life will change but for me it was deffinatley positive. Agree with the posters who say think about what you want first before thinking about those around you. Your family may feel disapointed in you to start with but once baby is here many families do come round to the idea and love the baby.

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shelleylou · 08/07/2010 09:20

I had my son at 20. I hadn't been with his dad long when i concieved and dispite his wishes i continued with the pregnancy. I wouldn't change having him when i did when he's old enough to be left on his own for a few weeks i'll still be young enough to travel etc. My true friends have remained that way and i still go out on the town with them now and then.

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nymphadora · 08/07/2010 09:28

I had dd1 when I was just 21. I coped a LOT better with that pregnancy than I am with my current one (31) . There may have to be some negotiation with your boyfriend over jobs/uni etc but if you can do this there is no reason that you can't do things in the future.

How does he feel about it?

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ShinyAndNew · 08/07/2010 09:35

I was pregnant at 21. My twat of a boyfriend left me when he found out. My options were to either move home, marry him and stay at home and look after the children and himself, like a women should or abort. He was such a charmer it was rather hard resist his offer of domestic slavery .

I chose to go it alone. It was hard. I was scared. There were many days when I was certain I had made the wrong choice and felt like kicking myself for not aborting.

After she was born I just sort of muddled along for the first year. Feeling a bit numb about it all. Looking back it was pretty clear that I had PND. Not surprising considering that my life had turned upside down within a year I had lost my boyfriend, my home, my job, my friends, had to move away from a city I loved to be closer to family and had another little person who depended on me for everything and thanked me for my efforts by crying constantly.

Dd1 is 6 now and my best friend at times. A little sod at other times, but I wouldn't change her for the world. It was hard worth, but she was worth it. Her 'father' has nothing to do with her. He has never even seen a picture of her. I feel bad for his parents sometimes as they have this wonderful granddaughter they don't even know about. But at the end of the day, he is the one missing out.

I'd make the same choice, given my time again. As another poster mentioned, when my children are older I will still be young enough to enjoy my life. And I will be young enough to enjoy them growing up. Even the clubbing years

It's not easy. No one can tell you it is. But it's do-able and probably not as bad as you are expecting it to be.

I'd suggest you get referred for counselling to discuss your options in rl, with someone who is qualified to give you advise. I think Marie Stopes offer this service if there is one close to you. They are not there to judge you and have heard it all before, so no panicking.