If you were to recommend just one book on babies/parenting for a new parent, what would it be?

[Miffster]

Because one way I cope with anxiety is to read and study and learn as much as I can about something in advance. Clearly parenting cannot be learned in a book. But neither was I born knowing how to BF or look after babies.

My mum's dead so I can't ask her. And I've tried to read the threads about childcare experts but they seem to turn into bunfights. I don't want to know who is an abusive, ignorant Nazi loon and should never have been published. I just want a good book that will help me cope with my first baby. Can you help?

Thanks.

[withorwithoutyou]

Personally, I don't think there is one book - there's no one way as children are all so different.

Mumsnet is brilliant though, much better than any book.

[withorwithoutyou]

If I was going to get a book though I'd get something practical like one of the "what to expect" books, rather than something by any kind of guru.

[Rocinante]

I liked First Time Parent as it's quite non-judgemental, but would second the What To Expect Books for the sheer amount of info they give you.

[Decorhate]

Yes I liked the "What to Expect" books too. Found them very sensible and reassuring

[HarijukuLover]

I would recommend burning all books on parenting. That would be my real recommendation to any good friend, especially one who likes to 'be prepared' and 'get things right'.

Parenting is not an art to be perfected or a skill to be mastered. You just have to go with the flow. By all means dip in to books and websites for nuggets of advice, but let no one book be your 'bible'. On the whole, parenting gurus speak bollarks.

[HarijukuLover]

Agree 'What To Expect' series is good for dipping into (although a tad 'neurotic American' for my liking). The pregnancy/baby ones are OK, anyway. The toddler one is a load of shite.

[franke]

I liked Penelope Leach Your Baby and Child. She doesn't tell you what to do as such, but rather tells you what babies are like. It helped me a lot. I remember reading the first chapter about newborns around the time of the Claire Verity debacle on Channel 4 and it just about reduced me to tears - but I was very pg at the time

[Miffster]

Yes HarijukuLover - it's all very well to say 'burn all books on parenting' BUT I do not know how to bath a baby, how to hold the baby, whether to get in the water with the baby or not, what temperature the water ought to be, should I do it when baby is sleepy or alert.

I do not know how to wean or wind a baby, or how to spot the signs of teething or colic. I do not know how to put on a nappy, what to do about cradle cap, how to breastfeed in bed. I do not know how to look after a new baby. I was not born knowing these skills. And my mother, as I said, is dead. How on earth am I supposed to know what to do without someone to tell me?

So I would like someone to tell me what to do, and that means, I want a book to read now because I don't think I'll have time once the baby is born.

[chiccadee]

The Baby Book by Bill Sears.

It does very much depend on your parenting style though - and that's something that you will only develop as you go along.

If you like to read up, why not go to the library and get out as many baby books as you possibly can. Then dump the ones that make no sense/ sound awful, and stick with the ones that support your instincts. No point trying to follow a guru who tells you to do something that doesn't instinctively feel right to you - you'll just end up miserable.

[LittleSilver]

If yuo get anxious then STAY AWAY FROM WHAT TO EXPECT!

It's is massively neurotic and also totally irrelevant to UK market (even if it says revised for the UK market, they are talkign about the spelling ffs)

[Miffster]

Thank you for the recommendations, I will go and look them up now.

Sorry to be snappy. I am feeling very sad worried about how I will cope and I miss my mother at this time - I would love to be able to ask her for advice and so many times people say that this and that experience is likely to be the case with you if your mum had it - from difficult labours to varicose veins. I wish I could ask her. And she would have been so excited about me having a baby. I wish I had got pregnant before she died - we were trying but it never happened.

People who have family support networks and motherly advice on tap, please appreciate it. I wish I didn't have to rely on books but there you go.

[PerArduaAdNauseum]

How about going to the library and borrowing lots? Read them all, and then see if there are any you can imagine keeping. Agree with the 'what to expect' but don't take it too seriously.

And see if you can join up with some other mothers - the most useful thing I found was at a surestart postnatal group - not the people running the group (bless 'em) but the women who had a baby 2 months older than the rest of us and was a real font of information...

Do you have a MIL? Is she approachable?

[HarijukuLover]

No book taught me any of that, really. It just didn't. Just being honest. I know it is comforting to think that a book can 'tell' you how to do these things, though. I was the same when my first baby was born. I didn't mean to be patronising or offensive, I am just being 100% honest, because I do think that parenting guides tend to be quite dishonest - in terms of their over simplified 'this is the best way to do this, and if you do this, this will happen' approach - as if babies were one-size-fits-all. It can set up incredible anxiety in a new mother, that's my main beef with it all, really.

'What To Expect' sounds like it might be right for you if you want detailed instructions, though.

Breastfeeding info I would get separately, as run-of-the-mill advice on BF-ing can be dreadfully outdated and misleading - have you heard of La Leche?

I do totally empathise/sympathise with you, but I guess the point I wanted to make was don't get caught in the trap of letting other people (books, HVs, MWs etc) tell you the 'right' way to care for your own child.

Anyway...I shall go now...

[Miffster]

MIL lives in Yorkshire, I live in London in a flat with a DH who works long hours, and we have no spare room. MIL is very nice but we don't have the sort of relationship where I can phone her up at 1am and say 'the baby screams when I put him down and my nipples are bleeding and I can't cope'.

In any case, we may be emigrating 3 months after the baby is born.

[DomesticG0ddess]

I had 1. What to Expect, 2. The Contented Baby book and 3. The Baby Whisperer and found all 3 of them helpful for different reasons - 1. for specific probs, 2. for getting an idea for a routine, even if I didn't follow it completely and 3. for bit more of a holistic approach to caring for a baby. I agree with you that it's all very well slagging off parenting books, but like you I didn't have a clue and the rest of my family lived miles away (plus people don't always agree with their mothers' parenting methods, or find it easy to take advice in that way, for example my mum didn't even attempt breastfeeding, so she wasn't any help on that front!). With a bit of background info from these books you will find your own style. Good luck!

[chiccadee]

Miffster, you could also check out the NCT website to see if they run a 'Bumps and Babies' group that you can go to while you are expecting and also when baby comes along. They are great for peer support and are generally pretty inclusive. LLL groups too, if you are bfing.

[EldonAve]

birth and beyond by yehudi gordon

[DuelingFanjo]

Aw Miffster I am EXACTLY the same. I know nothing.

I am finding the 'what to expect' book for pregnancy very good and also the bok I was given by the hospital (NHS) called 'the pregnancy book' which you can read online here but is much better in book form. Lots of advice on bathing, feeding, changing and other stuff to do with how you will feel when you have the baby. With pictures too.

[InmyheadIminParis]

I'd definitely second Penelope Leach's lovely, sensible, no-nonsense, common sense book. It's detailed, but easy to follow and will tell you all about e.g. how to bath your newborn.

I'd also second What To Expect.

Stear well clear of all things Gina Ford.

[tiredfeet]

I would also recommend going to the library, I've borrowed quite a few from my local one and had a look through to see which I like. Like you I have wanted to do the reading in advance of the baby arriving, so I feel a little bit prepared.

My favourite so far was the Penelope Leach book 'the essential first year' as it had a lot about what babies are like etc but wasn't at all prescriptive.

I really sympathise with how much you must be missing your mum right now. My family are the other end of the country and that feels hard enough, but at least I have them on the end of the telephone and they can visit. Do you know if your parents kept / used any parenting books? When I was last at my parents house I found the books they had from when I was small (interestingly one of which was by Penelope Leach). I can't exactly think of the way to explain what was so lovely about reading the books they would have referred to, but it did make me feel closer to them as new parents.

is there anyone nearby who even if not family would be happy to give you some support in the early days? A friend's mum or a colleague or similar? (that said, I'm not sure I can think of anyone for me!)

[Booboobedoo]

I really loved Sears, but whether you get on with these books depends on your personality and expectations, your background and - eventually - your baby.

I'm also a fan of Penelope Leach.

Sears is attachment parenting (slings, co-sleeping, responding to the baby), which isn't for everyone. Still a good practical, instructive, detailed book though.

Then of course there's Gina Ford who will guide you down the opposite route.

If you're really anxious and determined to read, buy a cross-section (eg Ford, Sears, The Baby Whisperer), then take each one with a good handful of salt.

Second what someone said aout MN being the best source of info, and of course there's the MN baby book!

I also found the babycentre weekly e-mails massively helpful. You can register with them, and they'll mail you every week from now.

[pavlovalover]

I am sorry to hear you don't have your mum to support you. My mother is alive, but was on the other side of the world when I had my first baby.

You're right that it can be a little harder to learn all the subtle bits of parenting like bathing, teething etc without having seen it up close before or having someone around to tell you. But there are some things you can do that might ease your anxiety. You may find you can learn some bits from a book (and it sounds like you could prefer an encyclopaedia style book to check up concerns about health and teething - I thought the Penelope Leach one above was good). Other things you might pick up at an antenatal classes. We were taught some bits about bathing and nappy changes there. And then more in the hospital after the baby was born - for example, they wouldn't let us out until we had proven we could give our dd a bath safely.

You can also go to La Leache League meetings before you have your baby to talk about breastfeeding, see people breastfeeding (I think that's important if you really haven't spent much time around babies before) and make some contacts and friends if you need help after the baby arrives.

It sounds like it's really worrying you. Could you afford to get a part time nanny or some other assistance for a couple of hours a day for the first month or two?

[InmyheadIminParis]

Miffster - I completely agree with chiccadee. Don't forget you're about to meet lots of brand new, first time mums when you go to your pre-natal classes and babies and bumps groups. They're the people who'll be going through exactly what you are and you'll be amazed at how much great support and advice you'll get.

[Booboobedoo]

Oh, and join an MN antenatal thread!

Lots of first-timers, but also more experienced Mums on their second/third/fourth pregnancy.

I found that a really good source of support the first time round (and am enjoying being a know-all this time ).