Anyone else have a un-sympathetic FEMALE work colleague??

[YummyMummy1208]

I just have to have a moan, its been winding me up all day - well since yesterday actually!

A woman at work, who is one of those 'i want 2 weeks off after the birth and then im leaving the husband to look after the kids and coming back to full time employment'
she has no real interest in kids and no sympathy whatsoever for pregnant women - its as tho she thinks that u just make a baby, no symptoms, no side effects,, just a bit of extra weight to carry around. and wen i feel im working quite late into my pregnancy (leaving at about 37 weeks) she seems to think i shud work up to the day before my due date as why would a pregnant woman need to finish before that??
argh! so annoying! She even sed about my pregnant colleague when she was off sick one day "shes only pregnant, not sick!" as if y wud she need a sick day cos of being pregnant.

May i add that she has never been pregnant and has no idea what its like - the back ache, the tiredness, the general shitty groggy feelings u get on bad days and thats on a good pregnancy - add to the list SPD/sickness/migrains and now u can maybe understand y some mums to be want to finish work early - to rest!
I just needed to vent that and may feel a bit better if u ladies indulge me in a moan!

[berrycravings]

Just hearing your story has made me mad for you (lots of pregnancy hormones going spare over here).

Pregnancy is NOT easy. Going into work day in day out after being sick in the morning takes alot of energy.

where would we all be without mumsnet to vent on

[ImSoNotTelling]

She's only a woman at work - not your boss as i read it - so what she says or thinks has no concrete impact on you - ignore her - she's a complete twat

Whinge away on her, get it off your chest, then when you see her at work you'll be able to shrug it off a bit better. She has no idea what she's on about.

[bran]

She might really believe what she's saying, but she's still a bitch to say it out loud.

If you can I think you should snigger knowingly whenever she makes comments. Hopefully the implication that she is talking through her arse will be infuriating for her and she will stop doing it.

If she asks why you're sniggering, stay knowing and say something non-specific like "of course, you haven't been pregnant, have you?", and snigger some more as though you know something she's to naive to know. Or you could be ruder (I would be) and say "No bump, no comment". (Actually, I know that I would almost certainly say "Will you SHUT UP! You have no idea what you're talking about." My boss sometimes had to have 'quiet words' with me about my attitude to the irritating less socially adept people in the office.

[FourEyesGood]

Definitely just ignore her, and enjoy watching her eat her words (as long as she can keep them down and doesn't suffer from horrific morning sickness) when she eventually decides to experience the joys of pregnancy.

[YummyMummy1208]

i love this site! makes me feel so much better!

i mean, she never actually says nasty comments its just she knows how to express her views without directly insulting me personally but wen i said that most people are shocked im workin up to 37 weeks she kind of looked totally confused as to y i would need more time than that off.

it must be due to lack of experience im sure. and she is a very oppinionated person at work anyway. i just know she has no interest in pregnancy/kids or motherhood and as soon as u mention any of these topics u get a blank stare back as if she is totally alien to the subject and doesnt give a crap about ur moans.

when is the normal time to leave work anyhow?-wen i say normal i mean, the average time most women leave?

no she isnt my boss, shes on the same level as me, its just annoying wen u feel like shit and want a bit of empathy and u get comments to make u feel like ur totally making a big deal out of this simple baby making procedure...

[FourEyesGood]

As far as going on maternity leave is concerned, it varies wildly (just been reading a thread on which someone is going at about 26 weeks, while another is going two days before her due date!). I'm planning to finish at 36 weeks - don't want to go any sooner because I want a nice long maternity leave when the baby arrives, but don't want to leave it any longer because I want a few weeks to spend a bit of proper time with DS before his new sibling comes along to take all the attention. I think your plan to finish at 37 weeks is really sensible! You might feel tired and work will probably be the last thing on your mind from 35 weeks or so, but when your baby's born, you'll be so glad you didn't spend extra weeks on the sofa with your bump!

As you've mentioned, your bitchy colleague has no experience of pregnancy at all, so you'll just have to accept that she's a judgmental idiot and embrace all the empathy and sympathy you can get from your more human colleagues!

[YummyMummy1208]

i have the same thinking pattern - regarding spending a good few weeks with my other little boy before the new baby comes along. and i wont be returning to work as we are emmigrating to Canada next may - altho my boss doesnt know this yet! so its not such a big deal to save my maternity leave until after baby is here altho the money situation is the decision maker as we are saving almost half our wages a month for Canada - that half is more than i will be living on a month on SMP! so i need it to start as late as possible so i get more saved before hand!

[JS99]

Do you know for definite this woman's situation?
I suffered from infertility for a number of years and then lost a baby due to chromosomal abnormality. During those times being around other pregnant women was extremely painful for me. Whilst it sounds like she is hardly being kind, there may be reasons for her behaviour towards you that you don't know about.
It seems to me that you are the one in the fortunate situation - you are having a generally healthy pregnancy and hopefully will have a healthy baby. As far as you know she has not experienced pregnancy - this may be a source of great pain for her, whatever front she puts on in public. You imply she has a partner, but if she doesn't the pain of no children can be equally strong for women who don't have a partner.
PLEASE don't take the advice offered in these comments - especially the ones saying "of course, you haven't been pregnant, have you". Just maybe this woman isn't a 'bitch' or a 'twat', but has her own deep pain that she isn't handling very well.
I am one of the lucky ones - I now have 3 healthy children and am pregnant with a 4th. However through my experiences I have learnt to appreciate every aspect of pregnancy and children, however hard, as I know how lucky I am, and also to be kind and understanding to those who for whatever reason have not/will not experience the joy of pregnancy and children, and to try and understand if for whatever reason my situation reminds them of their own pain.
Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy and beyond - when you appreciate what you have it makes everything else so much easier.

[Salbysea]

Its common enough! brush it off!

can you avoid her or do you have to sit in earshot of her?

[YummyMummy1208]

i understand what ur saying and i have thought it may be due to that a while back as i know its as tho shes 'cant stand children' but yet she also passes a few comments to make me think she really wants them.

i think it may be her sub conscious way of avoiding disappointment at not being able to conceive (i think there is a family history of that and miscarriage) and so she makes out she hates kids only to not have to deal with the pain of thinking she may never have them. ur right. i shouldnt be such a bitch but its also not nice being on the receiving end of her ways of dealing with things as its knocking down all my self praise of staying at work so late in pregnancy!

i know u shudnt judge, but i needed to take a moment to moan...and what better place than to do it on here where no body gets hurt or upset by my comments rite?

[vicbar]

I once worked with a woman who was horrible to people who were pregnant as she was struggling with infertility. Obviously this is very hard for her but its not acceptable to make pg people feel bad its not their fault she cant get pregnant. She was worse than your collegue and once had a screaming fit at a girl who accidently got pg.
TBH Im pg with DC4 and have found male collegues (esp bosses) to be much more understanding and Ive had 2 awful pg with lots of hospital stays ect, one where I sailed through with no trouble and this one has been a nightmare of extra tests stress and having to finish work at 28 wks.
Good luck with emigrating and the new baba

[hippopo]

I have a colleague who sounds very similar with her comments anyway, she is a bit younger than me and has been honest about wanting children in a few years time and how she will work up to due date and will be back working super quick and quite unsympathetic all round.

Each to their own I say and until you are there you don't know how you are going to feel or cope. I do secretly hope though that when she is pregnant that she does suffer from morning sickness and tirdness ect nothing too bad but enough to eat her words!

Moan away on here, smile knowingly and take the moral high ground knowing that in a few months time (not sure of your due date) you will have a lovely baby!

[Jacksmybaby]

In my 1st pg my senior boss (single, no kids, very power-career-woman-esque) was like this. She was a nightmare esp as I had a really tough pg, loads of time off etc. I had conversations with her where she refused to contemplate altering my working hours or arrangements so I could continue working at least part of the time, she basically just said either you're fit to work or you'll have to be off sick, there's no in between! So basically everyone lost out because of her unreasonableness!

Well thankfully this time round she has moved on and my boss is so much more sympathetic (she has 2 kids herself... funny that!). And has been really flexible with working from home etc when I've not been up to the commute, which as far as I can see makes sense all round.

Definitely try not to let this woman get to you is all I can say!

[bran]

I can't agree with JS99 that this woman should be allowed to bully and belittle others simply because they have something that she might want. It's not the way that adults should behave.

Having said that, if the OP does think that this woman does secretly want to be pregnant/have children and can't for some reason, it would be kinder to mention the pregnancy as little as possible in her presence.

[YummyMummy1208]

but she has never shown any sign of jealousy or resentment at the thought of us being pregnant - more of a ' y would anyone want to get pregnant?' attitude and therefore i dont see the need to have to alter my conversations around her - i dont speak to her much about the pregnancy simply because she is not interested in it so thats as far as it goes.

[JS99]

I have to respond to Bran's last comment. I can't see any allegations of bullying or even belittling others. If it was bullying the employer has obligations & procedures to deal with it and I would be the first to say talk to HR about what can be done. However the worst accusation leveled at this woman is that she is unsympathetic and that she doesn't empathise with the symptoms of pregnancy. Having been on all sides of this particular fence, I don't see why happily & healthily pregnant women should expect as a right sympathy for their condition from women who for whatever reason have found themselves without or unable to have children. When you compare the temporary discomfort of a healthy pregnancy with the deep, unbearable and overwhelming pain of no children, I think its pretty clear which way the sympathy should actually lie.

[Octaviapink]

I've found actually that some of the least helpful and supportive women are those at work who've got children already. They were all about the 'ha-ha, no sleep for you!' when I was pregnant and then when I went back after dd it was along the lines of 'now you're going to find out just how hard it is juggling work and family!' Really irritating.

[capricorn76]

I agree with JSS9. It must be hard for the OP to deal with but at the end of the day you've said yourself that she has a history of fertility problems and probably wants a child of her own. She probably isn't handling it well but at the end of the day she isn't being that mean just unsympathetic.

Luckily I'm pregnant now but I struggled with infertility and it really does start to do a number on your mental health. If I were you I'd feel sorry for her instead of angry because at the end of the day as JS99 has said you are the one in the fortunate position.

Also, and I'm not accusing you of this, some pregnant women really aren't aware of how much they go on about their pregnancies and some really make a drama out of it which used to annoy me lots. In fact it still does annoy me and I'm pregnant myself.

[whammie76]

I need to vent about work too - it's all a bit trivial but with my hormones all over the place some comments have been getting to me.

I've had the 'You're pregnant - not sick!' comment of one woman (a mother herself) when another collegue told me not to lift any heavy bags and to just give her a shout. It more annoyed me than upset me cause I know I'm not 'sick'.

Had bad lower backache - made worse by certain tasks in my line of work. My boss had been brilliant tho, but when I've had to ask other collegues to help me out (boss's suggestion), I sometimes feel it's as if I've asked them to go jump of a cliff. So, I've given up asking, just 'getting on' with it now. Not all the ladies are like that tho, some have been angels.

One comment that did upset me last week was, I decided to do an errand (my offer), was going to be helping out in another dept later on when a collegue had finished up for day. After returning from errand, I needed to sit down straight away as I was soaking with sweat as didn't realise how hot it was outside, totally knackered and in need of a drink. Said collegue comes along almost straight away, asking me to stand in for her, 15 min before due to be finished. Ended up not doing it until I'd cooled down etc - then felt fine. Other collegue who I was assisting, said I should really think about taking maternity leave now as I was 'clearly' not coping! She kept repeating this over and over! I knw mat leave can be started as early as 29wks, which I am now, but I was so taken aback by her comment - as in my opinion I'm fine and surely I'm the best person to judge that. I hardly see the woman, so she was hardly in a position to comment! Sorry rant over.

[littleoldme]

i had a bit of that work. My response to the 'pregnany is the most natural think in the world' brigade is , " Yes, but so is death and cholera."

[littleoldme]

When I told my female ( childless through choice) boss i was pregnant her inital reactionwas.
" I'll never understand why anyone would want to that that to their bodies."

I had to very quickly stop myself saying " Well I know why they wouldn't want to do it to yours."