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Pregnancy

Visitors after the birth

61 replies

spangles · 07/08/2005 10:28

Not sure which thread to post this on but I'll post it here coz your all in the same boat.
When I had DS1 almost 5 years ago I really didnt want any visitors except parents and parents in laws because I felt like a total beginner to the whole being a mum thing (which I was)!
Never the less my DHs sister landed with her 2 kids aged 5 and 7. I struggled to BF and it wasnt a pleasant experience so I used to go upstairs to
feed DS1. Whilst I struggled to BF DS1 my 2 young nephews appeared at the bedroom door to have a nosey and although I said nothing I was annoyed about it.
When DS2 was born 15 mths ago Whilst I was still in hospital DHs brother was on the phone to our house asking when I was coming home coz him, wife and their 3 kids wanted to come and visit.
This time round because there is such a small gap between DS2 and baby 3 I want some time alone for us to be a family and for DS2 to have chance to get used to the new baby. Do you think its reasonable to ask for no visitors for 4-5 days to give us chance to settle, and if so how would you go about requesting this?

OP posts:

Report

Pruni · 07/08/2005 10:30

Message withdrawn

Nemo1977 · 07/08/2005 10:31

I think its reasonable as i was stupid when i had ds and everyone turned up day i came home and we also went to a 80th bday party...this time i want a cople of days peace so just say so that ds2 can adjust and u can get used to being a bigger family you would like to leave visits for a few days. If it is difficult at the time then either get ur dh to do it or just say uve not been feeling well and take to ur bed..lol

colditz · 07/08/2005 10:34

just say "no visiters, we are all too tired and you are not welcome"

You have to be very clear sometimes. Dps aunt and uncle (who I had never met) turned up 5 days after I got out of hospital, and sat in my house in silence for 3 hours! Dp was at work.

I had to be so rude to make them leave, I switched the telly off, lay on the sofa and turned my back on them for 45 minutes. Did they honestly think I was going to wake a newborn baby for people I have never even met?

So it would have been better if we had made it clear from the start that visiters were not welcolm.

Gobbledigook · 07/08/2005 10:35

Perfectly reasonable - do what is best for you and stuff everyone else. 4-5 days is really not much to ask.

bobbybob · 07/08/2005 10:37

Put a note on the door that says - we are sleeping - no visitors thanks.

Let anyone this does not apply to know that it's okay for them to come in.

Nbg · 07/08/2005 10:46

I think thats more than reasonable spangles.

Like Nemo we were bombarded with visitors the day I came home. The house look like a bomb had hit it and due to a last minute desicion I had to bottle feed so we had to make up bottles and figure out how the steriliser worked! A total nightmare!

I know if I had another I would ask people to stay away for a couple of days.

spangles · 07/08/2005 11:17

I wouldnt dream of going to visit ANYONE who had just had a baby for at least a good few days and I find it hard to beleive that DHs brother and sister seem to think its ok to do that. Its not like they dont have any children of their own and dont know what its like to come home with a new baby.

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fruitful · 07/08/2005 11:38

You could pick a date about 3 weeks after your due date and invite them for lunch. Arrange it now and explain that it is because you do want to see them, but not too soon as you need to adjust as a family, first. Make it really clear that this is the earliest date they are welcome (with the sweetener that they are welcome, on that date). But maybe ask them to bring half the lunch - salad or pudding or something.

When you say "visit" you do mean for a few hours, don't you? If they're asking to come and stay for a few days, tell them to book themselves in a b&b!

hercules · 07/08/2005 11:39

completely reasonable.

edodgy · 07/08/2005 12:22

With my dd I had visitors round every day for about a fortnight this time im definately going to have some sort of time period when its just us. It wasnt so bad when people just stayed for 30 mins or so, or when good friends came and did the washing up or made tea etc but it was the people who stayed all day and expected to be waited on that were the most annoying...one friend stayed from mid day till 10pm at night!!

spangles · 07/08/2005 12:33

Its too much when they bring the kids and the kids want to hold baby, stroke baby etc... and ignore our other children. I am definatly going to put my foot down this time
And if they think we are being "finny".... TOUGH.

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hunkermunker · 07/08/2005 12:37

MIL brought wallpaper samples when DS was a week old - for me to advise her on... Three hours later, I went back to bed with DS.

cod · 07/08/2005 12:38

Message withdrawn

goldenoldie · 07/08/2005 13:09

Spangles - completely agree.

I always get DH to do the deed - he tells everyone 'no visitors' till they hear otherwise.

Anyone with any sense would ring in advance anyway and not just turn up on the day - if they did, have to say I would turn them away.

donnie · 07/08/2005 14:31

you will be knackered enough without having to worry about being host to hordes of relatives.Be firm but polite and just tell them ' no visitors yet thanks'. Good luck!

PrettyCandles · 07/08/2005 15:15

If your dh is up to it, you could always do what I did and spend an extra night or two in hospital. We managed to get an 'amenity room' (ie own room, own bathroom, but not private - still NHS). It was worth every penny, as I got rest and privacy, and dh and ds could come and go as we pleased.

Or, if your dh can't hold his brother off (perfectly understandable, it can be difficult to be blunt with family), perhaps he could tell them that you're still in hospital for the peace and quiet - even if you're back home!

spangles · 07/08/2005 17:12

DH will do the deed, theres no problem there... I suppose I just dont understand hoew they can be so pushy. We live a stones throw from BIL saw we cant say that I am still in hospital when really I am at home. I think I will just put a note on the frount and back doors and put the answer machine on 1 ring then ring back the people I need/want to see or speak to [naughty emoticon]

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spangles · 07/08/2005 17:14

Dont think I'd dare tell them I was still in hospital because knowing BIL he would bring his kids up to hospital

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ButtonMoon · 07/08/2005 17:31

We did this with DD and planning to do same this time!!! DD was 4 days old when non immediate family and friends were told they were "welcome" Everyone understood.

hotmama1 · 07/08/2005 17:42

When I had dd last October I let it be known that when I came home from hospital that we wanted NO VISITORS - and this included parents. Didn't care if this upset anyone - tough. It was going to be hard enough coming home with a newborn and not knowing what to expect.

As it happens, I spent 6 days in hospital after a lovely forceps delivery and felt reasonably confident when I came home, so was O.K. receiving visitors - but this was on my terms.

My sis thinks I was brill and has taken a leaf out of my book. She is due on Weds - and I am giving them a lift home from hospital when her ds is born (DH won't drive) as she knows I will leave them in peace - our mum and her MIL will be too in her face.

Just be arsey - it's your life

motherinferior · 07/08/2005 17:45

Doesn't look as if any of us would be offended, does it .

Tortington · 07/08/2005 17:50

my fil & mil picked me up from hospital when i came out with twin 2 and were driving to thee house - she was talking about how excited all the family and neighbours were going to be - i was not even asked!! - i said rather timidly - please can i just go home?

so they dropped me off a bit upset - you really need just to tell them - you can be nice and tell them - " please can i have a week to settle in - you quite welcome for the next 18 years please can i just have a week?"

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spangles · 07/08/2005 18:01

buttonmoon... who would you class as immediate family..parents and parents in law? That is how I see it.. BIL and SIL dont seem to fall into that category in my eyes. Dont get me wrong they are really nice people and we all get on well but I dont want to be swamped the minute I get through the door

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motherinferior · 07/08/2005 18:03

You don't have to justify yourself, honey. You decide who you feel comfortable with, and just tell the others - or rather get your DH to tell them - that 'this time around' you're having very few visitors.

expatinscotland · 07/08/2005 18:11

We only had my mum and MIL. I DEFINITELY wanted them there b/c they took care of me - did all the cooking and cleaning. My mum had taken a room up the road to retire to, and MIL would leave around tea time and call around 11AM to see if we needed anything.

This time round, my ILs are taking DD to theirs for a few days after baby arrives. My mum and dad are taking a room at an inn down the road that's big enough to entertain DD.

I really want both of them around to occupy DD and my mum was a HUGE help last time, even giving me and DH breaks from baby.

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