Talk

Flip

Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Stressing about grandparents

6 replies

Funkycherry · 26/05/2010 07:27

Not quite sure how or where to put this, but here goes...

I'm 32wks and starting to REALLY stress about the relationships I have with the future grandparents (both sides) and how I'm going ot manage their expectations when LO is born.

There's quite a bit of background info...

In-laws: Are indian, so culturally a little different (I'm English.) OH and I have been together 8 years. Pregnancy was planned, but they don't know that as they would not approve as we weren't married. MIL's reaction to us telling them I was pregnant was 'you'll have to get married' shortly followed by 'it will get called names at school' (meaning 'bastard'!!) We had intended to wait until LO was 2-3yrs so it could be part of the day, but due to their extreme reaction decided to get married. Thought they would be pleased when we told them we were getting married in 8wks, but again they went mad, asking why we were leaving it so long and couldn't we do it in 3wks(???!!!)They ruined the whole wedding experience for me which I don't know how to forgive them for, but thats probably another thread...
They're very critical of both me and my OH, not in a nasty way, just a different generation way.
I find it really hard to spend any time with them these days so my OH just goes on his own about once a week.
I want LO to have a good relationship with them and learn about their culture, but at the same time don't want some of their 'social issues' passed on.

How do I let go of all the resentment I have inside for them???? I really want to move on before LO is born.

OP posts:

Report

Funkycherry · 26/05/2010 07:30

Just realised how long that post was and I haven't even started on the issues I have with my own mother!

That's what's stressing me; If I have issues with both sets, then it must be ME really not them. I hate myself for it

OP posts:

Report

cory · 26/05/2010 08:09

Feel so sorry for you, that sounds really hard.

I think once the baby is born the one thing you do need to do is to remember that he or she is a separate person from you and therefore will have a totally separate relationship with his grandparents. They are your ILs, but his grandparents- totally different relationship.

You don't have to forgive them or like them, you just have to make sure you don't inflict those feelings on him. Keep them to yourself. I did resent it when my Mum could never let go of her feelings towards her MIL. Yes, I have no doubt she was a total pain as a MIL- but she was my gran!

Report

splatt · 26/05/2010 09:25

I have similar issues with my in laws (mainly FIL). He lies constantly, I no longer trust ANYTHING he says. Prior to our wedding he wrote ME a horrid letter detailing all OHs faults as explanation as to why they weren't coming. Then tried to manipulate OH into begging them to come, he didn't and they didn't show. He told SIL that we had "uninvited them". Years before that he told me he thought I could do better than his son. There's much more but it's tedious. I very rarely (2-3 times a year) see them despite that they only live 20 mins away. OH goes more often but when I am at work. He told them of baby and reaction was apparently rather mutted, I've not seen them since (currently 20 weeks pg). If I had my way they would have nothing to do with my child. I don't want there negative vibes over everything to affect it. There house is dirty and I don't want to expose baby to it. But I KNOW this is selfish. AM really struggling with what to do, and now only have 20 weeks to work it out!!

Report

marzipananimal · 26/05/2010 09:31

that sounds like a horrible situation
I struggle a bit with my ILs although not as bad as yours sound. I guess you just have to try and focus on the good things about them (like that they brought up your OH) and hope that the baby brings you closer together.

And don't hate yourself funky, it doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable

Report

roundabout1 · 26/05/2010 10:19

I had major worries about grandparents on both sides when I was pg with dd, although neither lot sound as bad as what you have described. I felt they wouldn't show any interest in the baby & that my dd would feel unloved as a result. To be honest the first 6-9 months were tough, my mum disagreed on a lot of things I did, although none of this was done confrontationally. Breastfeeding was a major issue for her, they live away so I see them every 6-8 wks on average so that made it easier. In laws (live locally) just weren't interested in the baby & my mil managed to turn everything into a criticism. Dp took dd round to see in laws a lot of the time so I isolated myself from it. Once my dd got older (she's 4 now) it did get a lot easier, they could do things with her, although to be honest they don't do that much. I want my dd to feel loved by them & feel part of their family & so I have had to do a lot of biting my tongue when they disagree with most parenting things. I find I have to keep reminding myself that I want my dd to have a good relationship with them. Good luck x

Report

Funkycherry · 26/05/2010 17:01

Thank you so much everyone. Its made me feel better that none of you have said 'stop being so selfish and grow up.'

Cory - yep, my mum used to moan about my gran, her MIL, and I think I held that against her, so it will be good for me to remember this when I'm struggling to hold my tongue.

Splatt - They sound awful. As for the dirty house thing, I have the same issue with my parents place so I've resigned myself to them having to come to ours to see LO or just keep her on my lap so she doesn't come into contact with anything!! (BTW, I think how mine choose to live is their business as its their house, but I don't have to subject my child to it!)

Marzipananimal - You're right, they have good qualities and I know they mean well most of the time - just old fashioned. They will love GC, so I just have to let go.

Roundabout1- Thanks for understanding They're really not bad people - just drive me nuts (for no real reason most of the time LOL) I think my problem with both sets is that they will want to spend too much time with her. I'm not really much of a family person and know I will want them to back off.

I got the impression from other people's threads that the general impression on here would be to be grateful for their interest and help and I think thats what makes me feel such a bitch as I don't want them to be too involved.