Antenatal care and men

[zebrugge]

As a prospective new father, I'm finding it really frustrating and very alienating that everything connected with antenatal care seems designed to exclude fathers. I entirely understand that all the care should be aimed principally at the mothers, but I don't see why no thought at all seems to be devoted to the fathers.

I'll give a few examples:

We're signed up for some NCT classes later this year. The majority of the courses are held during the week, however we managed to find one course that was held mostly on weekends - the only exception is one session that takes place in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. That is also the session that is particularly aimed at partners, and which all partners are strongly encouraged to attend. Conversely, one of the weekend sessions is for women only. Surely it would have made more sense for the women-only session to be held during the week (as pregnant women are much more likely to be able to get time off work to attend) and for the session aimed at couples to be held on weekends?

Example 2 - with one notable exception (well done midwife), every time I attend an antenatal appointment or scan with my wife I am blanked by the NHS staff. The sonographer will usually introduce herself to my wife, but not to me. Sometimes I ask a question, and the nurse/doctor/sonographer will tell the answer to my wife instead of me. It makes me feel like I'm a housewife in 1950s Britain attending a meeting between my husband and the bank manager.

Example 3 - every piece of literature my wife is given has dozens of photos of babies with mums. There's usually no photos of men with their babies at all. In fact, it might be nice if some literature was given to me, aimed at helping me understand what I will need to do as a father. After all, I'll be expected to do a significant amount of the care involved.

Maybe I'm being oversensitive? I'm just trying to get involved, so that I can help my wife and my baby before and after the birth arrives, but it seems like the system is actively trying to prevent me from doing that.

[Octaviapink]

There are some insensitivities in the system, certainly - my own DH said he found it frustrating that the available books for men were either awful (the "Result! Your partner's got bigger tits!" type of thing) or massively patronising. In the end we found the chapters for fathers in the What To Expect books (both pregnancy and first year) were the best in terms of tone. There's still not much info but better than nothing.

[Jacksmybaby]

Hi zeebrugge.
Antenatal classes and appointments are a relatively insignificant part of the whole experience so maybe concentrate instead on things you can do to be supportive in normal day to day life? e.g. just being there, showing sensitivity and understanding etc is likely to be by far the biggest thing you can do to help. I would try reading some pregnancy books (one aimed at women - agree with Octaviapink that the ones aimed at men can be incredibly patronising) so you are well-informed on what your wife is going through and what all the various possibilities and options are when it comes to the birth.

Re your specific examples:

1. I agree that the timing of the NCT classes doesn't seem to have been well thought out but if you are already signed up for these then nothing you can do except see if you are able to take the time off work to go to the Tuesday class.
   
2. Sorry you feel like this but the most important things to get out of the antenatal appointments are reassurance that everything is ok with the baby, which hopefully you are getting - so try to focus on that and put your own feelings aside.
   
3. It's not surprising that the information your wife is being given is aimed at her as a mummy. For info re being a daddy I agree with Octavia that there's not that much out there but there will be some stuff if you get onto Amazon and have a look.
   
   Good luck!

[MumNWLondon]

Hi Zebrugge.

I'm surprised by the NCT classes being in the day - I went to NCT and its was all in the evenings and each session for both prospective parents. The teacher said at the breastfeeding one that it was especially important that the men pay attention as when it came to breatfeeding the mums would be too emotional to remember what she'd said so it was up to the Dads!

Contact the person running the NCT course and ask if the sessions can be moved aorund so the one during the day is the one for women only - FWIW I wouldn't have taken time off work for an NCT class either - we ruled out the NHS ones for this reason.

If you are in London I really recommend the classes at the active birth centre and they are really focussed there on both parents. ANother option is a hypnobirthing course where the Dad has a huge part to play in the birth.

re: the hospital - I guess your partner is the "patient" and not you which is why they treat you like that - not something I have even really noticed and my husband has come with to all important appointments in each pregnancy.

re: books - you are obviously choosing the wrong ones! I hate patronising books! I recommend Yehudi Gordon's "Birth and Beyond" - not patronising and I think equally aimed at mothers and fathers.

[cory]

1. True and it does seem silly, but don't forget that this also affects working women.
   
2. Yes again, agree. But has it ever occurred to you that this is likely to have been a significant part of your wife's life in every other area of her existence? Think about it- if the two of you go to the garage to buy a new car, who does the salesman speak to? If you have repairs done, who does the mechanic turn to? If you have a buildern round to talk about the insulation, or the new floors or the repointing- who does he make eye contact with? It's still quite 1950s out there, and the more we try to address, the quicker it will change. But don't waste time on feeling hurt: imagine what it's like to be a woman and have that all the time. The worst I find is actually hospitals: when I take my disabled children in on my own, I get treated as a hysterical woman; if dh comes along as back-up, we get referrals to the specialist. My only advice is, pick up on it. Make eye contact, introduce yourself (or get your wife to do it), keep asking questions.
   
   
3. Again, I do agree with you, and I think there is a change coming: some books are better on this score than others. The blokey patronising tone of some is just scary. Don't let it spoil your enjoyment though: the real world is full of men taking care of their babies; one day, the virtual world of books and leaflets is going to have to take notice.

[katgod]

I'd say chill out too, plenty of time to be involved (3am feed springs to mind) Have to say that sonographers at my hospital are unfailingly polite. I was there Monday without an appointment and had to wait and had a long tiim e to observe others going in. The sonographers always introduce themselves and shake hands with who ever it is - mum, dad, grandma. Some of the people look a bit confused. I work in a professional job and shaking hands is normal, but guess for a lot of people (especially women?) shaking hands is quite a novel experience.
Our NCT was entirely weekend based, and NHS antenatal all in the evening. DH did not come to any of the check ups (did come to scans)- to be honest did not occur to eith of us that he would. His support and commitment does not need to be demonstrated by sitting about at the GPs!!

[greensnail]

Whenever my DH has joined me for appointments (not often in this pregnancy, but he did come along sometimes with my first) I've always been impressed by the effort made to involve him. I suppose it varies depending on the doctors/midwives/sonographers you're seeing.

On the subject of books, my DH liked this one the best.

[Trillian42]

In my hospital they're sensitive to the fact that the birth partner is not always the father - there are quite a few single mums out there so I certainly wouldn't be bothered about Example 3.

The classes during the day are tricky for working women too, and a lot of professional women don't find it easy to get/take time off at all. My own usually easy going boss was a bit miffed about it a couple of times when it meant I couldn't attend a meeting.

Your midwife & sonographer just sound a bit odd. In our appointments we've both been treated equally all the time, with my husband better positioned to see the screen during the scans! Our antenatal classes are for both Mums & birth partners, and lots of times the midwife or physio giving the class will address the partners directly, reminding them of certain responsibilities.

I think you're being too sensitive.