Help me be happy about second pg

[confusulation]

I've just found out that I'm 6 weeks pg with our second child and I just can't feel happy about it. I came off my usual pill for medical reasons and we said well if I fall pg while I have to wait to start the new pill, then it was meant to be.

But now that it actually has happened I'm having a bit of a brain overload, and thinking about all the 'what if's?' and all I can imagine are the negatives.

I love being a mummy to DC1, but I don't feel particularly interested in having another. I think I should have listened to my instincts and stayed with one. Instead I have done the opposite, and let circumstances dictate whether or not we have another. I knew I'd feel this way so why did I let it happen?

I have such a lovely relationship with DC1, we're not skipping through meadows holding hands the whole time, but we get along so well.I feel that I'll now have to put DC1 one the backburner while I start all over again with a new child.

I love DC1's personality, everyone does, what if the next ones arrival then changes DC1?

I worry that my negative feelings will somehow filter though to the baby and I'll end up with an unsettled and miserable baby because that's how I'm feeling right now.

I'm eating the right things, taking my vitamins, pondering baby names, going through the motions all in the hope that these feelings will just pass in time.

I know I've been terribly negative, but I just need to get these thoughts out. I barely slept last night. Middle of the night thinking always seems to make matters worse.

Can anyone offer me words of wisdom/ experience?

[AllieW]

Maybe if you get DC1 really involved it might help? S/he getting excited about a baby brother or sister and so on might ameliorate your own ambiguity about the situation.

Hugs (())

[pramdithering]

I had very similiar feelings to you. I'm now 27 weeks and still have days when I wonder what I'm doing! If you look on the thread called pregnant with your 2nd and pleased but terrified (or something like that) then you'll see that lots of people have these same doubts once they realise they're pregnant with number two.

I'm still really struggling to imagine how I'll love anyone as much as my DD but everyone tells me that I just will so I'm willing to believe them! Plus I'm sure once DD1 gets over the shock and trauma of having to share me and DP then she'll adore having a little sister. I hope anyway!

How old's your first child?

[fiestabelle]

OP, I could have written your post, I had a miserable pregnancy with DD, felt exactly as you had written and it is very very difficult, I would even say I was a tad depressed and felt I was just going through the motions with all the baby names/shopping for baby etc etc, my main worry was the effect the new baby would have on my relationship with DS. DD is now 14 weeks and I adore her, and looking back, can't believe that I felt this way, but still remember those strong negative feelings. I felt almost guilty that I was "rocking the boat" and was going to upset our little family. My biggest fear was that I would resent the new baby for infringing on my time with DS. If I'm honest the opposite has happened, I am still in the honeymoon phase with the new baby, you know that lovely time when you actually fall in love with them, and sometimes feel a wee bit resentful of DS for tearing me away from her. My relationship with DS has changed, he has to share my attention with his sister, but to see them together is lovely. No real advice, as ultimately you cant change how you feel, I would say just go with it, I think you will be surprised how differently you feel once your baby arrives!

[catbus]

I think this is normal! I found going from one to two kids the hardest thing of all. I remember thinking, how the hell can I split my love or stretch it to 2 DCs??! It was love at first sight though and despite everything DC1 adjusyed as you would expect. There are 4 years between them and I cannot now imagine why I wanted to stick at one, for the very reasons you said!
I now have 3 DCs and currently cooking DC4; never imagined I would go this far, but am living proof that these fears are okay to feel, and in my case just about working out ok too.
I hope you don't feel guilty about feeling this way and take some time to chiiiilll! Good luck

[whensmydayoff]

Normal Normal Normal

I planned DC 2 and after the initial - wow im PG - I was depressed and thinking all the same stuff as you.

It passed around 14 weeks and I was excited again (with all the usual normal doubts).

I wasn't even excited at the 12 weeks scan though - infact i cried because I felt nothing.

I feel the same about DS, me and him were a team. Im a SAHM and do loads of socialising with him and he is a beautiful, funny little character that stops people in the streets to chat (he is 2.9 now).

I thought how the hell am I going to love another. They wont have the same looks or personality and that can't be a good thing.

Roll forward and here I am with a beautiful DD of 10 weeks.

Now I have had a particularly rocky start with her. She has severe reflux. She screams and screams day and night and is demanding and hard work.

Ive been a bit depressed because of it and when I was rock bottom, although I had bonded well with her initially, I started to compare them.
DS looks more like me (but much better looking , I started to imagine she was ugly and kept thinking DS was happier, cuter, easier.
I then realised I was depressed and just realising that plus her medication calming the reflux it's like someone has switched the lights back on.
I can't take my eyes off of her, she has the most amazing smile and her eyes are as gorgeous as her daddy's so what was I thinking! The thought of her not being here or anything happened to her I couldn't go on.

• OK DS is still my best friend and the blue eyed boy but hey - he was here first!!

If I can love little miss screamy as much as I do then you can love any baby trust me.

[confusulation]

Oh thankyou SO MUCH everyone!

These are just the kind of replies I was hoping for: people who would read my post and recognise themselves in it, but have turned out fine.

Sorry for the delayed response. I kept myself really busy yesterday to shake off the negative feelings, took DC1 to pre-school (pramdithering DC1 is 3 now will be almost 4 when the new baby arrives) and saw a couple of the mothers with 3 or 4 children, and they looked perfectly fine and happy. It just got me to thiking that it will probably be like with DC1. The beginning WILL be tough, but we'll just have to find ways through it.

Reading all your responses when I got home yesterday evening really lifted my spirits. I have talked about things to DH but I think it worries him, and he thinks I'll put the new baby in the shed or something!

fiestabelle 'rocking the boat' are the exact words I used when explaining to my DH. I'm really happy at the moment, from how DC1 behaves, to the fact that I have less stuff to remember/do before we pop out. However I'm sure DC1 would love to help out (to begin with) so these things will be a shared thing for all three of us.

I'm a SAHM too so pretty much every minute of my day will be with both children, I would hate to resent the presence of one of them. I don't want to be responsible for a child who grew up feeling second best.

catbus thank you for your post. It seems silly, but you simply saying that it's okay for me to feel this way - even though I don't even know you! - has given me a little phrase to think to myself when I need to! ha ha! (Catbus said it's fine, so it's FINE!!)

That's the kind of thing I have been worrying about too whensmydayoff (in my long list of things to worry about) what if this baby has one of the nightmare sounding ailments that DC1 thankfully never had reflux/colic? I am not the most patient with crying and have been known to lay in bed with my fingers in my ears on particularly bad nights but as you say, you just get on with it and let things gradually come together. Little Miss Screamy, bless her.

Well thank you all again, I'll no doubt re-read this post over the next 9 months when I let the negatives take over. You've all really helped me out. Thankyou x