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Is it normal to go off your partner when pregnant?

(36 Posts)
LeeKerry Fri 12-Feb-10 15:29:06

This is my first thread and post and I'm loving this site!!
But I really need some advice, or just some general "It's okay, that's normal and your not just a total cowbag" sort of thing
I'm 12 and a half weeks pregnant with my third...my youngest is 8. It's my partners first though and our relationship is only a year in, we are getting married 6th March and he's very happy and over the moon about being a husband and father etc. He's very loving but he's doing me head in! Since about week 5 or 6 his affections and general niceness grates on me and I wish he'd go away! I feel just awful saying it but I daren't say it to anyone else because we are getting married in few weeks, having a baby and should be "in love" and all that sopey crap! Sorry that's how I feel about it, I do not feel at all in love, just generaly crap. I just simply don't want his attention or love, which I know is ridiculous because who wouldn't?! He does nothing really wrong either, he is this nicest and most caring man I've ever met! Will do anything for me ...oh except leave me alone or stop loving me so damn much! Oh I'm so awful! I keep reminding myself it's just hormones and it will pass but I can't stand it...he's always there, I just so want my own space, my own bed, my own house! What's wrong with me?! It's really getting me down, i don't know how to deal with it...I hate it when I can see him coming for a hug or a kiss, and have to fight the urge to say "please don't" .. My heightened sense of smell doesn't help, and for some reason it's his smell that I hate the most, why? He has to use cream for his eczema, but the smell is horrible (how mean is that, I just want to not smell everything! I mean it's cream, it's not fragranced!) ..sometimes I can smell his breath so strongly it makes me recoil, I've tried to tell him as politely as I can but he's offended (naturally) and says he cant help it, but I don't know what I can do to stop smelling him! I'm aware that I am a terrible mooody so-and-so and that I'm easily annoyed and agitated and so very very tired all the time, but it doesn't help when I feel so negatively towards the man I love. I'm so worried too and I upset at the thought I might not feel the way I'm supposed to on our wedding day because of my stupid hormones/mnoodiness
Sorry for the rant, I just don't know where to turn or what (if anything) I can do...

glitterkitten Fri 12-Feb-10 15:33:29

uh oh! Sounds to me as though you may have fallen out of love. I strongly believe that there is a distinction between loving someone and being in love with someone. the latter is required for a romantic relationship.

i am also a strong believer that if there is any hope of a future together, any chance no matter how small, you have to work on it. but only you can make that decision.

Till death do you part?!

BuongiornoPrincipessa Fri 12-Feb-10 15:56:21

It's just pregnancy hormones! I am now 26 weeks pregnant and I have had moments where no matter how nice my DH is, he grates on me, the more he tries to be nice, the more I can't stand it. But then I have the opposite mood hours later for no apparent reason. Just explain to him that your hormones are all over the place so if you act weirdly he shouldn't take it personally.

The most important thing is to tell him how you feel, and you know it's unreasonable, but you can't help it right now. You might find you feel completely differently next week, or next month, or when the baby arrives.

peppapighastakenovermylife Fri 12-Feb-10 15:58:17

Well...I am currently highly irritated by my DH. Both previous pregnancies I have gone through melodramatic stages where I have wanted to leave / everything is wrong / we are doomed / remembering things from years ago that I had forgotten about.

I would say its hormones and normal but obviously I do not know your particular situation and all the ins and outs...

Saying that I want to strangle lots of people right now!!! grin

pruneplus2 Fri 12-Feb-10 16:26:45

Same here LeeKerry so try not to worry too much - unless there were doubts before you became pregnant in which case obviously there was a problem before. Similar situation too as my youngest is 9, different Dad.

I am 18 weeks pregnant and thankfully don't live with my partner as I cannot bear him near me half the time and everything he says and does is just wrong! I keep making excuses for him NOT to come round my house!

Same as peppapig though, I want to strangle lots of people right now! I just dont do pregnancy very well - if I could just be alone for 9 months I would be perfectly happy!

MarineIguana Fri 12-Feb-10 16:30:29

What you describe sounds normal to me, but because your relationship's quite new I can see it's hard for you to be sure - but I certainly would try to get through the pregnancy with him and give him a chance as a dad. Pregnancy hormone hell is no time to be making drastic decisions.

If it is just things like feeling crowded by his affection, not wanting to be touched, and feeling overwhelmed by smells - that could easily all just be the hormones and are all things I've felt, and I know I still love my DP.

But you can tell him - you can say "these pregnancy hormones are really making me irritable, I'm so sorry, I'm craving my own space and being touched feels overwhelming - but I will get back to normal." In fact his reaction to that should tell you a lot - if he really is caring he will understand.

bagelmonster Fri 12-Feb-10 17:14:52

I have the same problem with the smell thing. Im 24 weeks with my second and my DH smells really bad to me most of the time these days. The poor guy, I told him to go take a shower the other day because i was actually heaving! When he turns over in bed and faces my way I have to turn the other way because i can smell his breath. I feel really bad but just explained its the hormone thing and I really don't mean to be unkind but I can smell him from a mile away. I'm constantly asking him if he has eaten garlic and he says no but he reeks of it!!!!!!

ohnelly Fri 12-Feb-10 18:17:24

Oh my god Im glad its not just me. I cant sleep in bed if my DP is breathing towards me, and he irritates me so much. He says im a nightmare & he cant wait till I have the baby & get back to normal! haha. The only advice I have is make sure you get some time to yourself - nice long baths etc,early nights (without him!) & encourage him to go out and see friends, so you get some time alone.

LeeKerry Fri 12-Feb-10 22:00:34

OMG Thank you all soo much.. firstly I laughed so loud at the stories of smelling DH's ! Makes me feel a thousand times better
I too can feel happy and in love for no apparent reason one minute only to turn again the next, so it's not that I'm off him the majority of the time which is encouraging. I've done my upmost to explain to him as to lesson his taking it personally, I would never want to end our relationship or anything, I'm happy with him and can see a lovely future, it's just this feeling of agitation all the time, and it seems focused all on the nearest person to me...the smell thing must be my hormones because I never experienced a strong dislike of things such as his breath and cream before. Of course I am concerned about the "falling out of love" thing, but then I can't judge that in my condition and I have a new life to try and make it work for, if that was the case. I wouldn't throw it away that easily. I've done the single parent thing that I wouldn't make that decision lightly.
His reaction is always one of understanding and caring, i am sure of the fact that he is one of the good guys, unfortunately he can be sensitive and so any harsh comments or signs of rejection he finds hard to just take in his stride. If he was thick skinned I'd be less bothered and would just tell him to leave me alone more and things, but I am too aware of hurting him and him worrying and feeling crap because of my comments and behaviour, that i get extra stressed feeling how I feel and trying to pretend ... confused.. I think the advice to get out and get my own space more is a very good idea I will have to think on and come up with strategies.. thank you again, you have no idea how much this site cheers me up! x

MarineIguana Fri 12-Feb-10 23:28:43

Maybe get him one of those funny books for dads-to-be - there are several around now and I bet some of them cover this issue, so he won't feel alone in it at least.

LeeKerry Fri 12-Feb-10 23:31:49

That's an excellent idea, thanks

IZDI Sat 13-Feb-10 10:05:18

i think it's normal. i go though those same feeling every-so- often. dh and i haven't done it for 2 weeks and i know his suffering but my mind and body just cant deal. dont worry though, i'm sure it will pass.

noassociation Sun 14-Feb-10 15:34:54

Thanks IZDI , it really is such a relief to hear other people go through the same sort of thing..

I do my best not to worry about it now, though I soo wish it would pass

..had few good days and then spent last 24 hours rolling my eyes when he was being sweet about pictures of cute babies (trying to engage with me no doubt) and I struggled to pick a valentines card as I am anything but romantic at the moment.. I feel so sorry for him

But he seems to be coping okay, least he know's it's not personal.. I'd be just as unmoved if george clooney presented himself to me covered in chocolate! grin

SmilerJane Sun 14-Feb-10 17:01:33

Omg.. leekerry

this is exactly how i am atm.. the only difference is he been implyin to get married and i just brush it off as cba with it atm. also i'm 18wks on thurs and am not sleeping great have had 1 prob after another in the pregnancy.
the only problem with my man is that he is so insecure atm that i cant even look at another man without him accusing i fancy them he even had a go cus 2 men aged 45ish were taking some barrels out of the pub n i went into a daydream lookin at the barrels clonking over the ground whilst we were waiting for a bus. he accused me of staring at 2 men!!! he dont understand how i feel as moans at me all the time. that i gave him no affection (i do tell him 1000x a day i love him and do kiss him etc but nothing seems to be enough for him)
we have started to argue constantly too which isnt fun. we are under alot of stress as only moved in our new house together 5 mths ago n have had nothing but problems with this house n landlord! we have had to look in2 another house and will have to mone in april..
he however sees my changes as i have gone off him and dont love him enough but this isnt the case. i cant even talk to my male friends who i have known for over 10yrs without him getting jealous.
its driving me mad!!! i get so angry when he accuses meof stuff that i lose my temper now n bellow back. not good for our other 2 DC.
so i know how u feel.. i just wish my man wud be more understanding

RustyBear Sun 14-Feb-10 17:09:11

I had this - in fact I first guessed I was pg with DD when I suddenly stopped fancying DH - it was exactly the same as I'd felt. when I was expecting DS

noassociation Sun 14-Feb-10 20:59:16

RustyBear does it continue through the whole 9 months, and does it go back to normal once baby arrives?

SmilerJane feel so sad for you, has he always been insecure or is it just since the pregnancy? My OH always thinks I've gone off him full stop, he's insecure too. He thinks I wont turn up at the church even... but he doesn't think I'm interested in other men at least.
No matter how much affection I give him it's never enough...I would say he's needy in fact, which I don't deal with very well. Admittedly I knew this about him when we got together but it really can be draining, especially when you just want to withdraw. He's getting used to less affection and me running hot and cold, but only probably because he knows its the hormones, but I can tell he's stressed about it...which then stresses me.
Thankfully so far we are not arguing but we banter-bicker which hides real agrression no doubt as I just want to scream at him sometimes but I have no real reason too and feel horrible enough not giving him the attention and affection he feels he needs.

RustyBear Sun 14-Feb-10 21:46:05

Pretty much the whole time, noassociation - fine after the baby was born, both times, except then I didn't fancy it for other reasons.... grin

noassociation Sun 14-Feb-10 21:52:35

Naturally wink .. well least I know it not forever (and my OH too!) but still holding out hope it'll pass as I get further into 2nd trimester..you never know [sceptical]
Thanks

Tiaxx31 Mon 15-Feb-10 09:25:35

I had the same thing, i have only been with my partner since last feb 09, i found out i was pregnant in the April! what a HUGE shock that was as i already have a 14 year old son from a previous relationship. I was really bad with morning sickness and tired and he couldn't understand why i was going to bed so early..eg.. 7pm. As that was where i was more comftable. He really started doing my head in and i just wanted to scream at him as he also thought it was alright for me to be lifting a very heavy coal bucket with it full of coal! now that i already iknow is a NO NO. He just didn't have a clue. But he has 3 grown up children already as 1 of them has a child. He wouldn't do anything round the house and everything just came to blows. So i just lost it with him and told him to go and live some where else as i can't cope with him anymore, it was the hormones taking control of my body and he had annoyed me. Any way that was in the early stages of pregnancy..the following month to finding out i was pregnant. And we had big arguments while we were aprt but then calmed down as a friend told him that he should be helping round the house and helping me as he just didn't have a clue what to do. We got back together a couple of months later as everything calmed down and i was missing him. Been together since and baby has well arrived now as he is 13 weeks old and i am happy, could be happier but hey you can't have or expect it all i suppose

SmilerJane Mon 15-Feb-10 10:23:24

hi Noassociation

well at first he was just very loving and we spent most our time together. he was a lil overprotective over my frends but i just laughed it off because he was bein silly. not half as bad as things are now..
He ruined valentines day yest because my friend of 15yrs simon popped overwith his daughter, my DP went upstairs and didnt come back down n because i made simon a coffee he went bezerk 'oh i'll go make si a coffee when he comes in but i wont make my DP one when he got bak from asda!!' for 1 i was on phone chattin to my sis when my DP come home from asda so he made the teas... and 2 when si came round i made my DP one too n took it up to him. but noooo simon is my lover boy and i'd rather be with him!!! he has got worse since i been preg but nw i am havin my 3rd i dont wanna be alone n i do love him but why cant he trust me.
No man can say hi to me without him sayin they fancy me or i fancy them.. last night was spent him upstairs (apart from poppin down n making snide remarks) so i ignored him. went to bed at 10pm n he never said a word all eve. he is now sat here and we have said not one word to eachother cuz i know if i say anything we'll argue again n not fair on the kids.
i am feeling smothered n cant breathe but theres nothing i can do to stop him doin this... he even started on me in the housing place sayin i goin off him as been ages since we had sex (1 1/2 wks) i felt so embarressed as i always do when he starts in public.
i have said to him if he carries on i gonna ask him to move out as i cant handel this anymore but he just says only cuz you want your men around this isnt the case as i effin love him. the more he goes on the more i recoil and dont wanna be near him. he just doesnt see how smothering he is atm and is driving me bonkers.
i just dont know what to do for the best anymore. its either put up with it or ask him to leave (not split up) but that will cause major problems..

i think the issue he has is that when we got together we had sex every night... since livin here its cold we dont have a shower the house is fallin apart, i've had hyperemesis since 2wks ago when has calmed down so i been so stressed i have no libido... have explained this but in his eyes i dont wanna be with him anymore... dispite me sayin i love him 1000x a day n do what i can when he not digging at me
i hope this passes

noassociation Mon 15-Feb-10 15:04:21

Thanks Tiaxx31 everything has happened so fast for me too, think it's just such a huge adjustment, I wonder if that's part of it..

Me and OH got together last April after I was single for 5 years... was not wanting anymore children and didn't want a relationship as I knew I'd find it hard..yet I went for it regardless and here I am about to get married and expecting a child!
But I knew what I was doing, I had choices, I shouldn't bitch about it but that doesn't help me feel any better, just worse blush

I also moved from Yorkshire in England to Scotland last August when we moved in together so there was more adjusting (again I wanted the move though).
The biggest adjustment is going from a happily single life to living with someone...and someone who loves being in a relationship and all the co-dependecnce, someone who likes and actively seeks and needs to know and feel loved, wanted and needed on a daily basis!

I knew who he was when we got together, but so did he! He knew I was the opposite in this regard.. why on earth we fell in love, or how, I have no idea! It's feels surreal at times shock
I just hope when baby comes and things calm down, time has passed for me to adjust etc, it will feel better. I will feel better.
...and everything will be okay. I'll be happy with okay too

SmilerJane I so feel for you
I wonder why It's worse now you're pregnant? Maybe he's extra possessive because you're carrying his child or something. Or maybe it is the sex thing. If he associates sex with being loved then that would explain why he's got worse if sex has declined.

My OH often says sex is a way of connecting with me if I'm distant, a way of getting close when I've withdrawn. (ironically the last thing I want when I'm distant or withdrawn is sexconfused

It may be very primitive but a man having sex with his partner could be a primary way of reinforcing "she is mine" . It's crap and admittedly I think it's silly but I sometimes think that's a big part of it, rather than they just need to have sex, for sex sake.

I am very much off sex but when I sense it's been "too long" I will reluctantly make the effort.. to be honest (and I apologse for the frankness) It's wonderful and enjoyable when it happens, it's often just the thought of it that is unpleasant grin .. and then I'm relieved I don't have to think about it for a while blush

He may genuinely feel incredibly insecure if he is scared you don't feel the same about him, rather than accepting that your libido has just taken a nose dive. Especially if you used to have a very healthy sex life. He probably cannot understand the 'not wanting to' and is just convinced you don't want to with "him". All the words in the world maybe mean nothing if for him actions (sex) speak volumes.

Don't know why he thinks you fancy everything else that moves though. Has he been cheated on in the past?

All that said it's no excuse for his behaviour and he is being unreasonble IMO. He obviously can't handle his negative feelings and I suspect he struggles to express himself effectively, hence he is moody and downright unpleasant at times.
It's crazy men cannot see that behaving like that has more cause to make you do the very thing they fear..that you will go off them!

I completely sympathise with you as you have so much to deal with as it is with hyperemisis, pregnancy in general, and of course, thinking of your children in all of this. I hope it passes for you too but think unless your OH addresses his issues, it will no doubt continue

Tiaxx31 Tue 16-Feb-10 13:53:11

I also live in scotland but right up the top and across the water. I think our partners feel so insecure when we are pregnant as we are feeling all the symptoms,movements etc and all they can do is sit back and not experience what we are with our growing baby inside us. While our body is working like crazy to make our baby, there brain is working over time not knowing how we are feeling. We snap at them without knowing how nasty we have been, we don't mean it in a nasty way but it comes out a bit wrong. Men don't seem to understand no matter how much they say they do, they don't have a clue how we are feeling inside. Carrying a baby and feeling unsure that everything is ok, is a big worry for us as we know if anything was to go wrong with the pregnancy we would blame ourselves as we are the one having to carry our baby. They just think we can still do all the day to day things, lift this, lift that, carry this, carry that. Get this, get that for them. Make this, make that while they just sit there. Even tho your ankles are up like balloons and you are in and out the hospital(like i was) You come home and still expected to cook tea! Men want to feel needed and no matter how much we try to keep them involved throughout the pregnancy, it is never enough. We say..quick i just felt the baby move, get them involved with scans/appointments & its still not enough. Nobody wants to be on there own with children and especially a new born baby but sometimes it has to be the only way. I was on my own for my first child and i was only 17. I had family then so it was ok they helped a bit. I'm not going to say it isn't hard but it's alot harder and more depressing and children pick up on the vibes as well all know. It is worse staying in a nasty relationship if you can't be trusted. If there isn't trust 100% you need to ask yourself .. is there love for you. No of us need to be treated like a peace of dirt on his shoe as we need plenty of loving,support,care,reasurence when pregnant but men just don't understand how we can feel fine one day & terrible the next.
If they are not prepared to sit down and listen to your concerns then they are not worth it and we would be better off on our own to bring up our children. No matter how hard. It would be harder for me this time round as i have NO family up here and i don't have my mum and dad now as they passed away due to cancer 2 years ago within 2 months of each other
I hope it all works out for us all as it isn't nice to be alone xxxx

del1 Tue 16-Feb-10 21:11:19

Ha ha, how funny is the bad breath thing!!
I just get comfy in bed, then he turns over to face me. I feel myself getting really annoyed that I then have to turn over, so he doesn't breath in my face!
He doesn't even have bad breath, and he is realy clean.
I wonder why we feel this way?
I was the same with my first pregnancy, went right off him for a few months.
I feel a real anger welling up sometimes, and have to really bite my lip, not to say something hurtfull to him.
I am also obsessed that he is after someone else - don't know who, anyone. But it gives me a reason to be nasty I suppose. When I calm down, I realise that there is no way he would, but the though seems to overtake me?
Why do we have to suffer insane behaviour, just because of a few hormones?
I think I am on my way to crackng up sometimes, and I'm only 22 wks!

TheWifey Thu 18-Feb-10 10:00:31

I met my husband in April 04, we were engaged in June 04, I was pregnant in August 04 (unplanned) and we married in November 04.

I hated him when I was pregnant, didnt want him near me, or even in the same house as me. If he had said he was leaving me I wouldnt have cared.

But we have been married for 5 years, lost our little girl in Oct 05 when she was 6 months old, had a miscarriage in 2006 and Im 5 weeks with my 3rd pregnancy, and this time round I dont hate him (yet) lol.But we are extrememly happy as a couple, and even though we hadnt known each other long when everything happened, we have got through it all.

I dont think its anything other than pregnancy hormones.

BiggleBoggle Thu 18-Feb-10 10:04:02

I haven't read this whole thread but just have to add in my first pregnancy I could hardly bear to be around my DH. He smelled terrible! It was quite upsetting, we hadn't been together for that long at all, I was praying it was the pregancy hormones, and thankfully as soon as I had my DH, all was fine - really good even! He had to be very patient throughout. I'm pregnant again and it's not as bad, although I am very grumpy with the poor thing.

Good luck!

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