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Having doubts about pg today - feeling v guilty too.

(23 Posts)
BibiTwo Fri 08-Jul-05 10:53:48

Okay, I thought about changing my name for this one because I'm a bit ashamed of the way I'm feeling, but as I've been all over MN telling people the good news, then there's not much point really.

As some of you will know I've just found out I'm pg with my sencond child, dd being almost 9mo. Now this is a lot sooner than we'd imagined, and although this baby wasn't planned, it wasn't prevented either. I'm gronw up enough to know what I was doing and what the possible consequences would be. At first, I was over the moon, as was dh, but some reality has kicked in and we've both had a few "OH MY GOODNESS!".
My worries aren't that I won't love the baby because I know I will, or that I won't cope because I know we will manage and enjoy it in a very tired way. I have been having thoughts along the lines of "oh I wish we'd waited a little longer" and "I wish we could put this pg on hold for a few months" but don't feel I can say these things out loud in case dh thinks I don't want the baby. I really, really do, I'm just having doubts about how money/childcare will be arranged as we don't have enough of either!
I feel silly even typing this now, it doesn't seem to make much sense written down. I guess what I'm trying to say is, is it normal to wish I could pause time?

Listmaker Fri 08-Jul-05 11:07:45

I should imagine it's perfectly normal! But I guess as you said you did the deed and did nothing to prevent getting pg so there you go! Maybe after this one you'll have a long, hard think about contraception and family PLANNING!!

You've got a few months to get your head round things and you will and it'll all be fine. Let's face it not much you can do about it now!!

GhostofNatt Fri 08-Jul-05 11:09:45

I think it's completely normal - thought process "must get pregnat, want to get pregnant, wonder if will have trouble getting pregnant...OMG am pregnant, why didn't I weait a few months so I could ....)" IME wears off pretty quickly, don't feel guilty.

Lizzylou Fri 08-Jul-05 11:11:23

Bibitwo, I have found out that I am 5 weeks pg, we actually planned to start trying, but caught in 1 month, my DS is 16mths now....but I'm still, even tho I planned to try, thinking, gosh, hasn't it happened quickly! What am I doing? I think with no. 2, you know what's coming up so you are bound to feel a bit more anxious, esp as you will have another child to think about too...
Don't worry, I think it's perfectly natural!

PiccadillyCircus Fri 08-Jul-05 11:12:16

BibiTwo I understand of what you're saying.
I am currently 30 weeks pregnant with our second child, who also was not planned. DS was 13 months when DS2/DD was conceived and I have been through a lot of different feelings over the last 6 months.

I am (and have been for a little while) now looking forward to this baby, but it took me a long time. And I feel guilty too - that we won't love this baby enough, that DS will lose out somehow.

In the end, we will both be OK.

oops Fri 08-Jul-05 11:12:19

Message withdrawn

QueenOfQuotes Fri 08-Jul-05 11:13:35

Don't worry - I've been there, done that and got the T-shirt - bigger age gap (3yrs 3 months between my 2 boys) but DS2 was a "happy accident". We weren't really in the position to be having another baby money wise and after the initial excitement of "oh wow I'm pg again" reality started to sink in.

I won't lie - it did take a few months before I was finally able to 'accept' that I was pg and actually enjoy the PG. But by the time D-Day arrived I was over the moon - and despite some extremely bad financial moments (actually months LOL) I often look back now and think "why was I worrying about it".

Perfectly natural to wish you could pause time - I promise it won't be too long before you've put those worries and doubts behind you

franke Fri 08-Jul-05 11:14:06

I think what you're feeling is completely normal and certainly nothing to feel ashamed of. Don't be too hard on yourself, pregnancy throws up a whole spectrum of emotions from elation right through to despair and disbelief. As you have said yourself, you will cope and you will love your baby. And there are many positive aspects to having 2 so close together. Good luck

novadandypowder Fri 08-Jul-05 11:16:43

Hi, i not in the same situation as you, but i can sympathise. Although DH and I wanted a baby I wasn't expecting it to happen when it did. I got really sick and had to give up my two jobs. I was housebound, sick and lonely, and really hated being pregnant (although glad i was at the same time, if that makes sense?). It took me a while to let DH know how i was feeling, he was shocked and didn't take it very well. I didn't like feeling resentful of the changes, but it helped that he knew, and as soon as I'd told him it made me feel a bit better. We realised it's ok to feel worried/sad/nervous about it all, and that it's 'normal' to feel unsure. I made it clear that i did want the baby, as i think thats what he was most worried about.

I'm 23wks now and feeling a lot better physically which has lifted my mood emotionally. I still have days when i feel completely overwhelmed by the whole thing. It's better that it's happened by chance, because sometimes if you put things off for reason x, y, or z, before you know it another year has passed. Hopefully you'll be able to look at this as a blessing soon x

bubbles2904 Fri 08-Jul-05 11:19:38

it's definetly normal. my dd is six and i also had a few doubts about my pregnancy in the beginning. i don't think it matters how old your other child is, i think you will always doubt that you can cope in certain ways. good luck, and i'm sure the feelings will pass. congratulations by the way xxx

jessicaandbumpsmummy Fri 08-Jul-05 11:19:47

im with you. Im 25wks and jess is 11.5 months old. there will be almost a 15 month age gap - im scared and excited. wish we had waited a little longer some days, and glad we didnt wait on others. One day at a time is my motto at the moemnt.

BibiTwo Fri 08-Jul-05 11:20:06

Thanks, some of you have really hit the nail on the head with your comments. I felt like I had to be ecstatic about every aspect of being pg with this baby and couldn't have negative thoughts without being a bad mother or something.
We've been talking since dd was about 4mo about having 2 babies close together and how hard but wonderful it would be. Then, about 2m ago we changed our minds and decided, if we didn't have one right away, we were going to wait until dd is a lot older and fully settled into a school routine etc, so we werr looking at about 5 years. I was even booked in for a DRs appointment to enquire about having a coil fitted when it happened! So I guess the decision is out of our hands now anyway.
I CAN see the positives int he situation, getting all the nappies, toilet training, terrible twos etc out of the way in a relatively shot space of time, but the honeymoon we're still waiting to have is getting further and further away! I don't think it would be wise to take two under2s to the Carribean!

DelGirl Fri 08-Jul-05 11:21:42

I would think this is very common, well I for one would hope so. My situation was that I underwent fertility treatment after my dh died for a very much longed for baby. I had 5 attempts including 2 m/c's. When I got pg on the 5th attempt and everything was going well and past the previous m/c dates I suddenly thought omg how will I cope. My life will be sooooo different and even though dd was all I could have hoped for (born 12 weeks ago I was scared and wished that it hadn't of happened so soon as I didn't feel prepared. Which, of course, made no sense. hth, best wishes.

ninah Fri 08-Jul-05 11:37:13

you are not alone, I could've posted exactly the same today, feeling very low and uncertain about things. Got v upset y'day about the situation in London anxious about dp and he didn't seem bothered which started me wondering if we are compatable in the least bit, and if we were ever going to make each other happy, then I love ds so much and don't want him to lose exclusivity and the relationship we have now. We wanted this baby, esp having lost one last year, but right now I wish I could send it back! well I mean i don't but I feel weepy and horrid, and like you worried about £ and childcare I'd think it's pretty normal to have phases of sheer funk tho, considering what a big deal bringing a child into the world is. the terror and the joy

piglit Fri 08-Jul-05 11:45:52

Bibitwo - I know how you feel. Ds is almost 9 months and I am 19 weeks pg. I knew it would be hard but I thought the sickness and stuff would be the worst and it would soon be over. However, I'm finding it much harder than I thought and have some really bad moments when I'm sure I won't cope and get really down about everything. The fact that ds is not sleeping well at all at the moment and my spd is really bad doesn't help. I try not to look too far ahead - if I think ahead to a new baby and a 13 month old who won't sleep I really really panic. You will have some good days and some bad days but tbh I think it would be the same even if you had a 2 year age gap or a 4 year age gap. (Well, that's what I tell myself....)

BibiTwo Fri 08-Jul-05 12:24:42

I watched my aunty go through a pg the same time as me, but she had a 4yo as well, and it didn't look easy for her, but her 4yo was quite demanding and naughty at the time. It's nice to be able to say now that she's turned into an excellent big sister and is a massive help to her mum.
I figure if I'm awake with one baby, it won't amtter if dd isn't sleeping anyway, we can all be awake together while dh snored merrily in the other room!

Tessiebear Fri 08-Jul-05 13:29:23

I have left 4 and a half years between DS2 and 3 and i still have moments of - we should have left it a bit longer. I think that it is natural to have doubts so dont feel quilty. Having another baby at any time is a BIG descision

pindy Fri 08-Jul-05 13:44:56

I have a 17 month gap between dd & ds, Yes it was very tiring and hard work to begin with, the first 6 months were the hardest, BUT, they did get on well with each and now at 11.5 & 13 they are very close, despite the shouting and screaming at each other at times.

Good luck you will be OK and in not too many months they will be able to amuse each other!!!

pindy Fri 08-Jul-05 13:45:28

forgot to add I would have the same gap again given the choice!!! mad or what?

sweetkitty Fri 08-Jul-05 13:56:30

hi bibitwo I'm 13 weeks pregnant and have a nearly one year old DD so will have less than 18 months between them. This baby was planned but I conceived at the very first attempt, we thought it would take a few months at least. We are both delighted and always wanted 2 close in age.

But there are days when I think "what have I done?" I'm just getting over the felling like crap stage and it has been hard going with an 11 month old. Our accomodation situation is far from ideal as well which hasn't helped things. Being pregnant is the only shining light I've had this year (apart from DD of course).

What I'm trying to say is sometimes I feel exactly the same way you dobut I'm sure once our DBs arrive it will all be forgotten.

SenoraPostrophe Fri 08-Jul-05 14:10:55

I felt exactly like this with my second preg, and I was worried about how I would cope. Also had occasional "what have I done???" moments with my first. It's normal.

But 2 close together are great. they nap at the same time (hence i'm here now), they play together and they are very protective of each other. they also fight, but we'll get there!

One tip: buy your dd a lifelike baby doll now. we did and it was great practice for dd.

Mosschops30 Fri 08-Jul-05 14:13:34

Message withdrawn

lulabelle Fri 08-Jul-05 14:26:57

Hi, I was feeling like this last week. My DS1 is 3.5, some days I feel the age gap is too big - we wanted 2 close together but hadn't planned on DS1. I was suddenly overcome last week with thoughts of double nursery bills, how will I get the pram in my new (smaller) car? Getting out with DH - who will look after a new baby and a 3.5 year old, etc. etc. Don't feel bad, I think everyone at some stage feels like this, when you have had one you know what to expect the 2nd and subsequent children - you know what there is to be scared about and vice versa.x

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