When to tell no. 1 that no.2 is on the way?

[floraflora]

Does anyone wait until the statutory 12 weeks are past, or until after 1st scan?
Have an intelligent 3.5 year old who really wants a sibling. Based on last time, the awful nausea should be hitting by around the end of next week and I know he'll start to get worried about me. Also it does feel like keeping a secret from the closest person. I don't want him traumatised if something goes wrong, but I can't see me being able to hold out until 12 weeks...
Can't ask his friend's mums yet (he's the last one to get a sibling or have one on the way), so would be interested to know other people's experience / strategies...

[yama]

Yes, I'm interested too. I have a 4 year old dd who is always saying "When I'm a big sister ...".

I feel like I am lying to her by not telling.

How many weeks are you? I'm 9 weeks - scan in 3 and a half weeks time.

[hormonalmum]

We waited until after 20 week scan. We decided that 9 months is a long time for a toddler to wait.
This did mean that we didnt discuss it with anyone within earshot until we had told them

[GColdtimer]

DD "guessed" when I was 9 weeks. She must have overheard us as one day at lunch she said "mummy, i know you have got a baby in your tummy" . I am now 35 weeks and although she was excited to start with it has only really been since I have been really showing she has upped the ante in the excitment stakes. There was a whole bit in the middle where she pretty much forgot about it. Although i would have chosen to wait longer to tell her, I am glad she has known all the way through. However, also agree that waiting until after the 12 week mark would be a good idea.

She will be 4 in April.

[Bexybear]

We told our 5 year old DS whn i was 8 weeks as i was so bloody ill i was bed ridden and could hardly speak. In fact we had to tell a lot of people including work as i couldnt pretend to have flu for a month. But much easier to explain things to a 5 year old than a 3.5 year old. Not sure how we would have managed if he had been younger. Really difficult... i absolutely hate lying so struggle with that whole 12 week thing when feeling like hell. Good luck with it and hope you dont get too ill

[Rosebud05]

I didn't tell dd until I was over 6 months, though she was younger (2.2 when ds was born). I'd agree with Pixie re reasons to hold off until after scans and generally as long as possible to avoid the 'are we nearly there yet?' type questions.

[scotlass]

I told my 10yr old after my 20wk scan.

I had sadly experienced 3 mcs and was glad we never said anything. I couldn't have coped with her grief as well as my own. Although she picked up we were sad her not knowing made me get on on and function and keep my tears and rage for behind a closed door. I will tell her when she's older and better able to understand it.

She did wonder why I kept puking and going to bed at 8pm but just thought mum was poorly.

I'm sure you'll be fine but I echo the others its hard to explain to little ones why theres no baby. It will also be more understandable when theres obvious physical changes

[displayuntilbestbefore]

I would wait if I were you but don't let him find out from anyone else if you're telling a lot of other people.
Definitely wait until you're past the 12 weeks and if possible hang on for a bit longer as even a bright 3yo will find the remaining 6 months a long long time to wait.
If you feel ill, don't let him get worried, just laugh it off and make as little of it as you can and then you don't have to worry about him worrying IYKWIM

[gaelicsheep]

We told DS (3.5) just before the 12 week scan. It was a pretty risky stategy, but unfortunately the DGPs who were supposed to be looking after him got stuck behind a bad accident and couldn't make it, so we had to take DS to the hospital with us. Thankfully all was OK, and ever since he's been telling everyone he has a baby in his tummy.

It has helped with him understanding things like not jumping on my tummy and me being unable to pick him up or carry him any distance, so would probably have told him soon after the scan in any case. When they reach an age where they listen to and understand everything it's not going to be long before they pick it up in conversation, and I definitely wanted him to hear it from me first.

[LaDiDaDi]

We told dd (3.5) after the 20 week scan, though I did tell her that mummy was going to the hospital so that the doctor could see what was making her tummy get bigger and we did discuss that it might be a baby! We did it that way as we wanted to know the sex before telling dd as she kept on telling us how much she wanted a sister: we felt it best to present her with "Mummy's got a baby boy in her tummy" rather than keep her wanting a sister and risk disappointment at the birth. I also felt that anything much longer than 20 weeks was too long for her to wait, it felt like ages for us let alone her.

We did have a ds and she loved him straight away!

[minouminou]

I conceived DD when DS was 22 months old, and because I had hyperemesis I had to explain my vomiting and general illness to him.
I said there was a baby in my tummy which was making me sick with its wriggling .
I don't think he took it in until the last month or so, when I was big and you could see her moving.
I think it's wasted on toddlers until the birth is a month or so away, as they work on different timescales.
I kept talking to DS about how DD (we used her name) would come out, and wouldn't be able to do much, and that she'd have breastfeeds (DS had only just stopped bf-ing) and lie in a basket.
Transition from only to big bro went as smoothly as anything, although I think this was due to DS' sanguine nature.

[butterscotch]

We told DD1 when I was about 8-9 weeks as I was being really sick and had no energy.....she was about 26months (at a guess too late to think and work it out!) at the tiem and I wanted to get her used to the idea that she can't be carried by me for long (the excuse is Mummy gets wobblying walking holding my hand makes mummy feel better!) also I want her out of the stroller so I can put the pushchair to a pram! I'm now 25+5 she constantly talks about the baby in my tummy, kisses, blows raspberries and cuddles my tummy She'll be 1 month and bit short of 3 when baby arrives

[mrsseed]

I have a 4 year od, when I got pregnant a year ago we were depserate to tell her, but thankfully didnt as in the middle of week 12 (night before scan) I miscarried. She wants to b a big sister so much but so glad didnt tell her. However a few days later I turned up at nursery to be told 'congratulations' it woul appear that DD had noticed my tummy getting bigger and decided I had a baby in it -that meant I had to explain to nursery staff as well. - I told DD that had just eaten to many sweets - she seemd to accept it.
I looked on as a neighbour told her 3 year old at 7 weeks and then lost it a couple of weeks later - he was devestated.
Cause of this we didnt tell DD about the last pregnancy either (M/C at 6 weeks) but hopefully will be telling her about this one this week, after the scan on wednesday. She just thinks that mummy is a bit sick at the moment and thats why I go to bed when she does sometimes!

Really dont do it until you can be reasonably sure -doesnt mean you cant tell other grown ups ( I am so sick I have to explain sometimes) but make it clear that your child doesnt know and musnt know.

Trust others experience and wait if you can.

[MumNWLondon]

I told my DC (aged 6 and 3) at 14 weeks after the scan. But I didn't tell anyone else before then. I felt nauseous but wasn't actually sick.

I agree, would not have coped with her grief if it was bad news at the scan, it didn't really feel like lying to her - when she asked when she was getting a new baby (a couple of times between 5 and 14 weeks) I just said something like, maybe we'll get one when your brother is a little bigger. So not really lying....

Even though DD is intelligent patient 6 YO, 6 months is a long wait for her new baby brother, personally I would tell DC as late as possible - as we told everyone at 14 weeks felt we had to tell them too.

[MarineIguana]

We told 4yo DS at about 10 weeks - I wanted to wait longer but I was really sick, already had a bump and also he had friends who had been through it already and guessed, and I didn't want them telling him.

But we were very careful to say "sometimes the baby doesn't keep growing or something goes wrong, we'll have to wait and see". He understood that but might be harder when they're littler.

[floraflora]

Thanks for responses. I shall play it by ear I think. He already knows it takes an age to make a baby as so many close friends have done it recently.
He is a very emotionally mature 3.5 year old. Sample conversation a couple of days after I'd done the test and without any hints from me:
Me: I need to trim your fringe because we can?t go to the hairdresser anymore.
Him: Why not?
Me: Because she is have a baby and has had to stop working.
Him: Why is she having a baby?
Me: Well, I suppose because she wants one.
Him (sagely): Mummy, sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn?t. (Pause) I think you will have a baby though Mummy?

[Amiable]

Our DD is 4 in a month - we told her about mummy being pregnant at 13 weeks, just before the scan. She heard us talking about me going to hospital, and as she has been in hospital for hip operations we didn't want her worrying that there was something wrong with me. She now understands why she can't jump on Mummy's tummy, Mummy can't pick her up, and why Mummy is so tired and even more grumpy than usual! She was also really excited about seeing the scan photos, and wanted to see them the minute I got home!

I had a miscarriage just over a year ago at 12 weeks (she was almost 3), and we had already told her I was pregnant. When we told her there was no baby anymore she just shrugged her shoulders and carried on. IMO it's such an abstract idea for them at that age, I don't really think if affects them in the same way as it might an older child.

great advice I heard, if you are going to be talking about it with anyone else while the littlies are around, then they will hear anyway, and better for you to sit them down and explain what is going on so they understand.

[lola0109]

My sister told my niece as soon as she found out, she must have been 3.9 as she was 4.6 when nephew (and 4.7 when my DD) both arrived.

She found that it was a long time for a toddler to wait as she was so impatient especially when months and weeks don't register at that age, so now she would wait till she was showing so maybe 20 weeks.

This time my DD and nephew are 16 and 17 months and we have only explained since they started commenting on my belly (thank goodness I'm pregnant and not just getting fat) but they forget as soon as you tell them and then will remember a few days later and pint to my belly and say baby! My darling nephew actually thinks I'm having 3 babies as my boobs have got massive!

But we told my niece at about 8 weeks this time and she will be 6 once DD2 arrives and I think it has been great for her, she has felt involved and was feeling a bit left out with my DD and nephew being so close in age. She is really excited about this baby coming, bless her!

[midnightsun]

I told my son (3) when I was about 16 weeks pregnant. I wanted to wait even longer but I was starting to show and I thought it would be hideous if someone in his kindergarten noticed and said something to him about being a big brother, before I had told him.

I wish we had been able to wait longer actually because I'm 37 weeks now and he is thoroughly bored of waiting for baby to arrive, it's going to be a big anticlimax.

In some cultures they don't discuss pregnancy or arrival of siblings with young children at all and while I think that is totally impractical in this day and age, I can see why they do it that way. It's asking a lot of a young child (however emotionally mature, mine is very as well!) to prepare for something that is really very abstract for their concept of daily life - until the day you come home physically carrying the new baby.

Seems like everyone figures out what is best for them, their family and their situation though and luckily that is different for most of us. Good luck!