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upset about midwife

(24 Posts)
isobelsmum Wed 06-Jul-05 13:04:31

Im not isobelsmum, I am her friend CKMUM but have just joined and don't seem to be able to post yet.

I jus need to get this off my chest. I hbooked with an independent midwife when I was pregnant with my first daughter and was very glad I did as she was fantastic, a few small things annoyed me but she was lovely and we became really close and I booked with her again the next time round.

She became so much more than a midwife, like a mum and best friend, let me stay overnight at hers, bought me food, has driven me around etc and yet she hardly charged for her services as I am on benefit.

However, I did worry she was becooming too involved and I felt guilty about accepting so much help off her and she became very involved ina some personal problems I had, which I apprecioated but thought it was too much for her.

Anyway, I have since found out she has breached my confidentiality to a member of the public and I was angry about this and we havenow fallen out and she is fed up with me, understandably (I told her ages ago I didn't want to be a nusiance). I will always be grateful to her but I am so upset that she has disclosed personal info about me and when I trusted her with my life, and that we have fallen out. Most of all, I feel so guilty for telling her off

I know confidentiality is important but how could I tell her off for breaching it when she has been so good. I am so ashamed

hercules Wed 06-Jul-05 13:07:00

I'd put it down to experience. IT sounds as though your relationship went beyond midwife/patient.

Twiglett Wed 06-Jul-05 13:08:22

I'd write her a letter and express your gratitude and what you are feeling now and why

I am sorry it has come to this but I wouldn't be ashamed if I were you

giraffeski Wed 06-Jul-05 13:08:54

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giraffeski Wed 06-Jul-05 13:09:56

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isobelsmum Wed 06-Jul-05 13:15:08

I did ring the NMC and they have advised me that it is a very serious matter and it doesn't matter that she has done so much and not charged me the full fee and I should complain and I am worried she will talk about other clients in that way, but I do think it would be wrong to complain

vickiyumyum Wed 06-Jul-05 13:20:54

have you tried talking to her and asked her why she spoke about your personal circumstances/birth/labour etc?
i would be inclined to talk to her and try to make amends, voice your concerns about confidebntiality for other clients.
am i right in assuming that she is an indepenadant midwife as you saY Dshe didn't charge you the full fees? so not sure where paying for service would come into nhs midwifery as they are not allowed to receive payment from anyone for their services.

giraffeski Wed 06-Jul-05 13:26:10

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isobelsmum Wed 06-Jul-05 13:45:00

Her and a friend of mine have exchanged several and she said the reason was as they were both worried about me and wanted to help. The info in these emails was stuff that had happened since she discharged me so I'm thinking that is a bit different, but the first time she disclosed info was when she was approached by someone wanting to book with her and she told her stuff that I had told her about when the realationship was strictly professional so I do think that is serious breach of confidentiality.

giraffeski Wed 06-Jul-05 13:47:23

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aloha Wed 06-Jul-05 13:50:51

What sort of confidential information? To someone you know or not?
What do you hope will happen if you complain?

isobelsmum Wed 06-Jul-05 14:02:22

I didnt know her at the time, I do now. There was a woman who wanted an independent midwife and also a therapist to do aromatherapy at the birth. The woman had been sexually assaulted, the midwife mentioned me as a therapist who may be prepared to be athe birth and said I would be a good contact as I have been sexually assaulted too

aloha Wed 06-Jul-05 14:07:00

Did she know that it was a secret or did she think that as you told her, it was something you were happy to have known.

giraffeski Wed 06-Jul-05 14:07:13

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edam Wed 06-Jul-05 14:14:13

So she revealed this information at a time when you were her patient? Or using information she obtained while you were a patient, or as a result of you being her patient? That's not on. I would complain. It's not up to her to disclose that sort of information - she could have recommended you without including this.
You may be grateful for her friendship, but that doesn't mean you have to accept a breach of confidentiality from a healthcare professional.

isobelsmum Wed 06-Jul-05 15:14:21

Aloha, I didn't tell her it is a secret, I just assumed she should treat it as such. I told her becauase it affected how I felt about being examined, I think she told this woman so that she know she wasn't alone. I told my midwife near the end of pregnancy so she understood I might not want to be examined, ands a few months after the birth she told this woman

isobelsmum Wed 06-Jul-05 15:15:50

I suppose I shpould have told her it was strictly confidential

Redhelen Wed 06-Jul-05 15:18:28

It's extemely poor to have passed on your information. You expect the same confidentiallity as a doctor or nurse.It's extra stress you don't need.


triceratops Wed 06-Jul-05 15:21:07

If she was a friend of yours I don't think I personally would want to "dob her in". It is surely punishment enough that you are no longer speaking to her. She sounds like a really nice person who just got carried away and let her mouth run away with her. I would let her know how hurt and angry you are at her breach of trust and leave it at that.

isobelsmum Wed 06-Jul-05 15:34:27

I really don't want to complain. What I want is to stop feeling angry with her for doing it when she has been so brilliant in so mnay other ways. She has stopped speaking to me though triceratops, its not the other way round. I am upset she did it but Im more ashamed for being angry with her and upset that I have lost her

renaldo Wed 06-Jul-05 16:05:48

she was way out of line, that is very personal and confidential information.

bosscat Wed 06-Jul-05 16:37:47

don't feel bad. I agree with Twigletts advice, spot on.

milkybarkid Thu 14-Jul-05 17:18:38

Obviously its up to you what you want to do, but have been raped in the past and would be horrified if this info had been passed on. Although to most health professionals confidential doesn't mean completely confidential, as in jsut to the one person you told, but can be passed on to all other health professionals who may be dealing with you; the info certainly shouldn't have been passed on to a non-professional without your permission

hester Sun 17-Jul-05 10:31:54

Of course she was wrong to disclose the information; she was also wrong to have let the relationship become so blurred that both of you lost sight of whether it was primarily professional or a friendship. Sounds to me like part of her knows that and is embarrassed; that may be so painful to her that she is refusing to acknowledge the issue of her own lapse in professionalism because it's easier to focus on your ingratitude for everything she has done for you (or however she is justifying it to herself).

It may or may not be too late to retrieve the friendship, but I think if you wrote to her explaining the situation from your point of view, and reiterating how much her support has meant to you, it may help her to learn the lessons she needs to learn from this experience.

And yes, you can complain to the NMC (doesn't matter if she's paid or unpaid, NHS or independent) but it doesn't sound as though that would help either of you.

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