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arguing over babys surname

(27 Posts)
babyonboard Tue 21-Jun-05 17:31:26

Myself and my boyfriend know we don't want to get married for at least a few years, if ever, but are expecting our first child in october. only problem is he wants the baby to have his second name, and i am unsure about this. He says as we are giving it an english first name then the surname should reflect his nationality or it will be 'lost'. don't know what to do as he is the only chld and his family name will be lost, but i don't want the hassle and strangeness of my child having a different name to me. has anyone else had a similar experience?

Kelly1978 Tue 21-Jun-05 17:35:15

I think it is important to most men that their baby takes their name. I was married to my exp so my first to have his name, and I kept his name when we seperated, as I didn't want to have a diff name to my kids.
Now I'm with a new partner, and although we don't plan on getting married for a good few years yet, our baby twins were given his name. They also have first names that reflect his ethnicity.
At the end of the day it prob is very important to your partner. How about givign the baby both your names?

QueenEagle Tue 21-Jun-05 17:35:39

Could you possibly put both your surnames together and double-barrel it for the baby?

NotQuiteCockney Tue 21-Jun-05 17:35:44

Lots of married women have kids with a different surname to them - I'm one of them, as are most of my friends. I'm not sure that's a real argument against giving the baby your boyfriend's name.

But I also don't see the fuss about names being "lost". I do understand that he'd want part of the baby's name to reflect his nationality - are there no first names in common between English and his nationality?

starlover Tue 21-Jun-05 17:37:25

i had this situation with my dp (not to do with nationality though)...

we ended up having BOTH names on his birth certificate, and they will both be used for official things (school, doctors etc)... but in general use we just use DP's name

babyonboard Tue 21-Jun-05 17:38:54

oh no double barrelling won't work at all -we both have very different three syllable names...just doesnt work!
as for first names..they are pretty different..or just english with a different pronunciation.which i'm sure his parents will take to calling the little one anyway!
i guess it is more important to me him than me so i should just agree..but i have reservations for some reason

starlover Tue 21-Jun-05 17:41:45

why do you not want the baby to have his name?

could you use it as a middle name?

NotQuiteCockney Tue 21-Jun-05 17:46:34

Is it because you're not married, that you don't want him to have the baby's name?

From what I know, they've changed the law now, so that unmarried dads have rights and responsibilities wrt the new baby, if they go with you to register the birth ... I think?

charleepeters Tue 21-Jun-05 17:48:02

Dp and i are not married and ds has his surname but we deffo want to get married soon, maybe you should consider a double barrled last name?

babyonboard Tue 21-Jun-05 17:48:52

yes - i guess i just have little niggles about the future..everything is great now but you never know what may happen a few years down the line. of course he would still have the same responsibilty for the child if we broke up..but..hmm..argh..i'm confusing myself..i'm sure half my brain stopped working when the second trimester kicked in!

bubbles2904 Tue 21-Jun-05 17:54:43

i gave my dd her dads surname, with no intentions of getting married. now that we've split he doesn't have much to do with her (his choice) but won't let me change it to my dp's surname so that she has the same name as her sibling.

dyzzidi Tue 21-Jun-05 17:56:06

I had this row with my DP when i was PG last time unfortunately I M/c so never came to head. I completely understand you feelings. I am now 11 wks PG and am getting maarried in Sept so will not have this problem but it is still a bit of a touchy subject.

I am thinking of incorpating my surname into our babies first/middle name. Mine has three letters and does form many names. Could you not use yours as a middle name?

NotQuiteCockney Tue 21-Jun-05 17:57:05

Eh, even if you're married, you don't know what'll happen when a baby comes. A baby is a big change for anyone.

If things change in the future, it can be possible (depending on your relationship) to change the baby's name to something else. I think you can change his/her name if you get married to your boyfriend, too. (If marriage is something you want?)

Have you talked about these worries with your boyfriend?

NotQuiteCockney Tue 21-Jun-05 17:58:28

I had this issue, too, even though we are married, as I've not taken DH's last name. But we agreed ages ago, the kids would have his name. He's more attached to his. I do feel I probably should have argued it more, but I did pick their other names, and they each have a third name which is a surname from my family (but not my surname).

starlover Tue 21-Jun-05 17:58:31

you could have both names.. but not double barrelled.

ie if your names were smith and jones you could call your baby

zanzibar jones smith.

not with a hyphen... and then if you chose to you could just use the smith bit

babyonboard Tue 21-Jun-05 18:07:47

unfortuantely surname is the same as a grotty northern town..he not worth hanging onto really..whereas his is a yugloslavian name...won't work at all..we are going give the baby an anagram of my first name if its a girl though so thats something

babyonboard Tue 21-Jun-05 18:10:46

oh and yes..we have talked about it many times..he reassures me i shouldn't be worrrrying and has made it clear it's very important to him

janeybops Tue 21-Jun-05 18:47:18

my friend used her xdp surname for her dd. now bitterly regrets it as they have split up and when the financial side is sorted plans to get it legally changed to her name

my kids have our family name as I am married and took his name.

janeybops Tue 21-Jun-05 18:48:48

oh and another friend has used her old surname as a middle name for her son...

gigglinggoblin Tue 21-Jun-05 18:50:09

ds2 got xps surname on the condition i chose his 1st name as we couldnt agree on that either

lemonice Tue 21-Jun-05 18:56:41

one of my friends has two children now teens and one has her surname which is Spanish and the other her dps name which is Scottish, they married quite a long time (10 years) after having the children.

aloha Tue 21-Jun-05 18:59:37

Be warned, if you give your child his name and you split up, you will not legally be able to change the surname without your partner's permission. So if you split your child will always have their father's name, which is great if you want that, but maybe not so great for you.

Trifle Tue 21-Jun-05 19:26:52

Both my boys have dp's surname. BIG mistake. I wish I had thought more about it at the time. Dp said it wouldnt have bothered him one bit if they had my surname instead of his. Wish I had known that earlier. There are so many forms that come with a child from the doctor, dentist, nursery, school, play group, passport, travel tickets etc etc to list a few. Considering you will be the one who will be taking the baby to the various places it does get tedious having to constantly give 2 names. So many places now no longer call me by my real name but constantly refer to me as Mrs X which grates. Your dp shouldnt be so macho. If push comes to shove, put both on the birth certificate but only use your surname as the given one on paperwork etc.

Moomin Tue 21-Jun-05 19:37:13

I'm a bit precious about my surname and have always kept it (I'm on marriage no.2 now - and deffo the last!) Both dh's didn't mind at all.

Now dh and I have dd we decided to give her both of our surnames, without the hyphen, and as someone said earlier we plan to use both for official stuff but when she goes to school we will probably just use dh's name. I also wanted to give dd the choice of keeping my name later on in life if she wanted to.

I'm very proud of my family name and didn't want to give it up, no matter how much I adored dh.

Tinker Tue 21-Jun-05 20:04:39

You can have both names as surnames without double barrelling them - did this yesterday, in fact. But, since not married, using my name as teh official surname. Don't use his surname if you have doubts about the relationship. You can just pick an entirely new surname as well.

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