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Is anyone doing it alone?

(19 Posts)
QueenofVenus Sun 01-Nov-09 17:49:09

Feeling abit low today, im almost 25 weeks, and after my dp assaulted me at 14 weeks i kicked him out and im doing it alone now. I have 3 other children to a prev rel and their dad is a good friend and lots of help. I also have a great family and some great friends, but, it times when im alone, evenings etc, or when the kids with their dad, i feel very alone and low. I just wondered how many other people are going through the same? Or have been through it? Maybe im just feeling sorry for myself, or hormones etc! Need to cheer myself up!

hoops997 Sun 01-Nov-09 18:00:09

hello queen I'm not quite in the same situation as you but I'm going it alone too. My DP is in the Army and lives about 7 hours away from me, also when baby is due he is in Afganistan.

I have my family with me and they say that's all I need but you're right about evenings when all you want is to share them with someone other than your Mother!

Thing is we knew how it would be when we got together but it has got harder every time we say this afternoon, we won't see each other again for 6 weeks.

This is my first baby and would be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely terrfied!!

I hope you cheer up soon, there is nothing like being down in the dumps, it's good that you stood up to your DP, he sounds like a knob!

jlo1234 Sun 01-Nov-09 18:18:57

my partner and i split up a few months ago and although he is saying he wants to see the baby i have told him i want nothing to do with him. i gave him chance after chance to do the right thing and prove that he was serious but he blew it everytime. he has caused me sooo much trouble. i was in hospital week after week and he just didnt understand how ill i was and contantly lied about silly things but then i found out he was lying more than i knew of and cheating on me with anybody who would say yes to him. hes got a new girlfriend now who my so called best mate is all pally with so i dont talk to her anymore and i get hassle off them all the time. all my other mates are at uni or all loved up with ther boyfriends so i know how u feel. i have a really great family though but sometimes i sit and think to myself i dont deserve this ive done nothing wrong, why is he happy and im sat here miserable. but i also know that once baby is here i will get my life back and i will be happy again. know how ur feelin though chick but just remember to keep ur chin up and think that things could always be a lot worse x

QueenofVenus Sun 01-Nov-09 21:28:28

Hello hoops and jlo, thanks so much for your replys, sorry to hear about your rubbish fella or ex fella. I know their are lovely genuine men out there, but this is my second failed relationship and im only just turned 30! - i think i know when im not very good at something and relationships is obviously it, or maybe i am good at something - finding all the WRONG men sad Sorry to hear your so terrified hoops, but i do know how you feel - i remember it well, i think the second i found out i was pregnant with my first baby my first thought was OMG i have to do 'that' (giving birth lol) - wish i knew then what i know now, i wouldnt have spent 99% of my pregnancy worrying about it (was'nt nearly as bad as i thought it would be!!)
I know how awful it is to feel 'betrayed' by your so called friends too jlo sad not had any of them do as your friends have, but have lost one close friend a couple of years ago after she just went 'cold' on me, she started working for a mutual friends ebay business and i kinda got the impression that as the business got more succesful that she was 'above' me and didnt have time for me anymore - fairweather friends huh??
Wish i knew how to overcome this loneliness i get in the evenings, i hate not having someone to share my life with sad there was a film on the other night and for a split second i almost said "oh its good that, yay!" and then realised im alone, and its so weird but just at that moment when you re-realise your alone, it hurts, makes you feel abit pathetic in some ways sad

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QueenofVenus Sun 01-Nov-09 22:24:59

Hiya itwascertainlyasurprise! sorry to hear about your stresses sad lifes really stinks sometimes doesnt it! You are right tho, LOTS of women do this and they are fine, i know what you mean about how these things arent how you imagined your life working out. I WISH i was married and had a fanatastic husband who gave a crap about me and my kids, and wasnt a lying, cheating, woman-beating scum-bag, who is up to his eyeballs in debt and chaos! Truth is tho, on the scale of things life could be much much worse and for some poor people it is sad easy to say, especially when your not feeling so low! But at times when im REALLY feeling sorry for myself life is sad and lonely and i start crying myself silly even at the slightest sad song on the radio! Damn men and hormones! - at least hormones are useful!!!

Issy42 Sun 01-Nov-09 22:39:00

Well done on standing up to him Queen. I'm doing it alone too, though in my case I got pregnant using a donor (now 29 weeks) as I found the pressure to have a child too much for a new relationship. My last relationship ended because he hadn't fallen in love with me after 5 months and was worried about wasting my time when he knew I wanted children. I knew it would take me a long time to get over him and I didn't have that time to wait and then still no guarantee of meeting the right one, so I went down the donor route. The ex is now one of my best friends and has really helped me through some of the lonely times and was here for me when I miscarried. It can be lonely sometimes, but it will all be worth it and you have the rest of your life to meet the right person and in the meantime 4 wonderful children to enjoy.

friendlyfox Sun 01-Nov-09 23:04:53

Congratulations on your pregnancies ladies. Queen I'm so sorry your ex was abusive to you...but here's the big secret...going it alone is BETTER Honestly, this time last year, I had all your doubts and worries. I was 8 weeks pregnant from a casual on/off/on/off thing that rapidly became very much OFF. There were times when it was hard being alone and pregnant, but there were also times when it was ACE. Honest, I think my NCT pals were quite jealous of my single status. Now I have a beautiful 5 month DD who is the love of my life, and we are such a team. I honestly wouldn't have had any room for a man in my life right now, my heart all belongs to her. I have never been happier.
And Issy congratulations on making the best decision of your life. I have already decided that if nobody comes along before I'm 40, I'll be straight down the donor bank for DD's little brother/sister too.
You are all in for the time of your lives. xx

jlo1234 Sun 01-Nov-09 23:06:17

i cry at songs on the tele and the radio too, there are loads out at the moment that remind me of me and what im goin through lol, i feel like a saddo but its allowed. i wonder if he thinks about it aswel when he hears them. at least i have learnt from this that nothin is ever sure to work out the way u though, even if ur convinced and u just have to make the most of what u do have. Queen - maybe you should invite some girl friends round and have a night watchin films in ur pjs with face masks and stuff, are you close to ur mum? i didnt think i was before i got pregnant but i couldnt of got this far without her. try and keep yourself occupied as much as u can. i have to stop myself getting down coz i dont want him to win, he was my first love and im now pregnant with his child and hate thinkin that he could do what he is doing to me x

abouteve Sun 01-Nov-09 23:15:20

Just want to give a little pep talk to you all going it alone atm.

I did it and have brought up a lovely DD who is now 15. Her dad has been worse than useless so she hasn't had much to do with him over the years, but knows his later children so a positive involvement knowing them.

I was 32 at the time I got pregnant, he was 20 and it was an on off casual thing.

I remember being scared but couldn't show it me being the grown up half of the equation. There was no need to be, it lots of ways it's been easier and I don't regret it for a minute, even though men have come and go. Good thing was I never got hurt again as DD was always no. 1. Only regret I have is wasting so much energy trying to get him involved in the early years when he wasn't worth the time.

God I could go on. But chin up and look the the future with your lovely babies, give them all the attention they deserve and try not to regret that you arn't in the 'ideal' situation, as it's not always ideal. The nights can seem lonely but you will have your hands full soon. Q gosh 4, it will all be worth it in the end.

Good luck.

abouteve Sun 01-Nov-09 23:16:39

Excuse typos, was typing too fast.

itshappenedagain Mon 02-Nov-09 09:05:49

morning ladies! wish i had seen this tread last night. im now pg with number 2 and ended up alone with number 1 and will be with this one too. the father is disgusted at the fact i will be keeping the baby, and gave me an ultimatum ( nice) that i got rid and we carried on or i didnt and i wouldnt see him again. so here i am alone again, as you can predict it wasnt in my 5 year plan but at least this time im not in the middle of my degree. i havent told any of my family yet as im only 14 weeks, and i am dreading it when i do as im going to let them all down again, as much as my family love my son.
i get lonely of an evening in particular and i panic at the slightest thing and wonder am i doing the right thing, but i couldnt live with the alternative.

slightlycrumpled Mon 02-Nov-09 09:57:33

Hello ladies, I just wanted to come on and offer some reassurance that all will be well. I was 27 when I fell pregnant with DS1 and without going into details the relationship quickly failed and he has not seen DS1 (now 9) since he was a few weeks old.

I was devestated throughout my pregnancy and my lovely, lovely mum was my birth partner with a very good friend on standby. The early days were tough but I would not change it for the world. I look back on the early months of his life with nothing but lovely nostalgia. I am proud that I managed alone.

When DS1 was just under a year old I met my now DH and went on to have DS2 a two years later and am now 15 weeks pregnant again.

itshappenedagain Feeling lonely is difficult, perhaps you will feel a little better when you have told your family? They will surely equally love this baby and you haven't let anybody down. You are just having a baby. I actually think that dealing with the pregnancy alone is emotionally harder than dealing with a newborn alone.

abouteve Mon 02-Nov-09 10:49:25

itshappenedagain, Whilst your faimly might need a bit of time to get used to your news, I'm sure they will come round and you will have that pressure taken off you when it's knowledge to your loved ones. A much loved baby is never a problem in the end.

I hope you can all find some support on here/the net. Wish it had been available when I went through my pregnancy alone. I did have some wonderful family/friends support but sometimes it's hard to explain exactly what you are going through at the low points as you don't want to worry them.

A friend of mine is supporting her very young teen through a pregnancy atm. I didn't speak to her until the family had got used to the idea and they are very much looking forward to becoming grandparents.

maledetta Mon 02-Nov-09 16:24:36

Yup, me too. 29 weeks. I just had a thread on "relationships" about it: "Dumped, pregnant and friendless". I got lots of lovely support, and some v.good advice.

Itwascertainlyasurprise: you here too as well? Not a surprise I guess!

Itshappened again: I was really really worried about telling my folks as well.I put the news in a birthday card to my dad.They called me up as soon as they opened it, absolutely ecstatic.And it turns out my SIL is pregnant and due the week before me! (she, of course, is going down the smug route, with everything perfect- but then she has my lovely brother to cope with, so I'm not jealous!)

It's so great to know that I'm not a total fuckup, and that it's the kind of thing that could happen to any woman.

itshappenedagain Mon 02-Nov-09 16:40:48

regarding abusive partners yes you are much better on your own...this i know from experience and in the end baby will not have to see that and think it is normal.
i know what the end result is which is the main thing, just seems stupid to make the sme mistake twice. im unemployed at the moment and am really feeling like i am worth nothingas i have always done somethingand used my brain. fingers crossed i get a job soon.

Mama2b5 Mon 02-Nov-09 16:51:13

Big hugs to you all!! Big hugs, big hugs to all!

We women are stronger then we believe and my God we are built to last a long time way after the so called Men actually boys are gone, actually some are just sperm doners! its so happens getting rid of bad rubbish is good start as you mean to go on and put one foot in front of another and think and focus on the baby that needs you so much more then the SD's! hmm

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itshappenedagain Mon 02-Nov-09 21:43:12

evening everyone! am so glad all are here to hold hands through good and bad moments.
thanx to all the ladies who show the light at the end of the tunnel.
im usually so certain of myself and i have a lovely family who supported my discision the last time, however i feel like i have let them down to do it all again. the few friends that know will be with me all the way as they have stuck around since the last time, one even being with me whilst Ds arrived in to the world.
i have an interview at the end of the month so hopefuly will be able to say hey i got a job and by the way im having another baby on my own as the father hated it so babdly he has now left the country. oh well only 26 weeks to go and all of this will be forgotten and i will hold my lovely baby and my beautiful family will be even fuller!

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