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When to announce pregnancy and to who?

(15 Posts)
WhiteRoses Sun 01-Nov-09 02:04:41


Okay, I feel like I've got such a lot to say but I'm going to try and keep this short and just give the basic facts, rather than a life story, because I don't want people falling asleep before they reach the end of my post!

- Myself and my husband have just started trying to conceive our first baby.

- At the moment, only we know this, and we're happy to keep it that way.

- When I test positive, there are three very close members of my family that I'd like to tell immediately.

- Mum - I've always been very close to her and keeping secrets (especially such a big one) doesn't feel right. Also, I've never done this before and, supportive and wonderul as my husband is, he's even more clueless than I am! Mum, on the other hand, has done it all before.

- Dad - again, very close to him and don't like secrets, but also feel that he'll be big support to Mum and that it's unfair to ask her to keep it from him. It's not very long since she lost her own mum, my darling Gran, and it's bound to be a very emotional time.

- Sister - same thing - we never normally have secrets. Also, she's on a par with my parents and I don't feel she should be the last to know. She's going to be almost as excited about this pregnancy as we will be.

- My husband doesn't mind when we announce the pregnancy. He's happy to do it right away, or wait as long as I like. What he has said though, is that he doesn't want my mum to know weeks before his mum knows.

- I would agree with that. I like his mum. And I feel she would be supportive too. She had six children herself. However, I have a BIG problem with telling her, because I know for a fact that she won't be able to keep her mouth shut for more than two minutes. My husband agrees. Once she knows, the world knows.

- So we're faced with a choice, as he sees it. We either tell no one or we tell everyone.

- I definitely don't want everyone knowing right away. But I feel like this is possibly the one time in my life that I'm going to need my mum more than ever. I totally get that my mum shouldn't be favoured over his mum in terms of our baby/their grandchild. But it's how to get round the fact that it's not just our baby. It's MY body. But then that's not my husband's fault. That's just how nature works... And I WOULD tell his mum, but it's her own stupid fault that she can't keep her mouth shut, surely? The reason that I wouldn't hesitate in telling my family is that I know for a FACT that it wouldn't go any further.

I don't know what to think... I said I was going to try and keep this short... Believe it or not, I did! hmm I just have SO much going on in my head right now, and (it seems) no outlet!

If you've gotten to the end of this, congratulations, and thank you! I realise that nothing's been resolved but I do feel as though I've been unburdened a little, having been able to get some of this off my chest... My God, I'm not even pregnant yet - how bad am I going to be when I am?! shock

llynnnn Sun 01-Nov-09 08:32:55

I also felt the same about mil before I fell pg with dd1, she is VERY chatty and unable to stop herself sometimes! however, dh really wanted her to know so we told her when we first found out and pleaded with her to keep it a secret, and she did! Think she realised that it was very important to us and understood the risks. You never know your mil could surprise you too? (risk tho!)

It may be a little deceitful but it is your body and your pregnancy and when the time comes you will want the support of your family so you should definitly tell them imho and your mil will never need to know that your parents knew before she did if you explain to them the situation!

good luck ttc!!

WhiteRoses Sun 01-Nov-09 09:02:30

Hi Llynnn,

Thanks for your reply. I think you were lucky with your mother in law. I just REALLY don't think mine is capable though! I mean, this woman read her son (my brother in law)'s diary and then, although she was ashamed of having done it and tried (initially) to pretend she'd just found it lying open (as opposed to hidden under his mattress), she just couldn't resist telling us all about what she'd read - even though we made clear we didn't want to hear it! It's also a running joke in the family that Santa never brought surprises on Christmas morning in her house. She always ended up telling her kids exactly what they were getting in advance! She's just absolutely useless. And my husband, who probably knows her better than anyone, is the first to say so.

See, what you say about my mother in law never needing to know that my family knew first is bang on, in my opinion. As I say, I would trust completely in my family's discretion (and so would my husband). But the issue is he would know and he wouldn't feel right about it. His mum raised him and his siblings alone after his (violent) dad left, she didn't have it easy and he feels he owes her a lot. Which I suppose is true...

I'm just struggling to try and balance how he feels against how I feel and I don't know what to do... I can see myself just keeping completely for the first few weeks and I really don't want that...

WhiteRoses Sun 01-Nov-09 09:04:05

P.S. Thank you for wishing us luck too. Are you pregnant/trying to conceive yourself just now?

llynnnn Sun 01-Nov-09 09:12:35

mmmmm see what u mean about mil. shock at diary!!

can def see why dh wants her to know but he has to do whats right by you and you will need the support of your famly. mil will have lots and lots of time to be grandma, the 1st few weeks of pg wont make much difference in the long run, maybe??

no i'm not pg or ttc, i have 2 dd's 3years and 4months old, thats enough for me lol!

WhiteRoses Sun 01-Nov-09 09:51:56

Yeh, see I know he WILL do what's right by me but at the same time, I want to do what's right by him and I don't want to exclude him or undervalue his opinions, just because it is my body. As I say, it's not his fault that nature has it that way, is it?

That's lovely, two little sisters so close in age.

butterscotch Sun 01-Nov-09 10:37:24

Good luck with the trying!

My MIL has a mouth all mighty and would tell her sister and others who would tell others....Like your MIL mine is a nosy old bint! My hubby left home at 19 because he couldn't handle her noseyness - asking where he had been, and 3rd degree and going through his post/draws etc... no secrets as she had to know everything!

His brother who is 31 still lives at home! She has control of his bank account etc.... though he doesn't see anything wrong with it! There mother likes to control everything my hubby left as he hated it and my BIL doesn't see anything wrong with it shock

with our dd we told them about 8 weeks (she was still sulking over our wedding - moody cow that she is!) and we told my mum at 6 weeks. We weren't going to tell her till after the 12 week scan or later (My hubbys idea he knows what she is like) but her sulking and generally being a miserable cow we knew telling her she would be "semi-normal" again. She does my head in with the fake how are you that she wouldn't bother with unless I am pregnant but its hard to get a balance right!

She was stupidly excited I don't to this day know if she told anyone but suspect she did!

This time (13 weeks) we told her about 7 weeks but that was more because I was being so ill that it would have been obvious....I suspect she told people again but she has been careful to make sure we don't find out!

WhiteRoses Sun 01-Nov-09 11:18:31

Poor you, Butterscotch. I suppose I'm lucky then in that my mother in law isn't anything like that. She's a nice enough woman, but just honestly can't help herself! It's ridiculous.

WhiteRoses Sun 01-Nov-09 11:19:16

P.S. Congratulations on your pregnancy as well.

chalky3 Sun 01-Nov-09 12:10:20

WhiteRoses, I have the same dilemma. We are TTC our first child at the moment and when/if we manage it I would love to tell mum,dad,sister and brother as it wouldn't be fair to leave him out(he can keep secrets!).

I know my mum would be full of useful advice and they would all respect our wish to keep it quiet for a while. DH's mother would prob tell her close friends and her daughter (DH's sister) and ask them to keep it a secret but I'm sure they would all tell someone they could 'trust' and before we knew it the whole town will know! Wouldn't have an issue with MIL and SIL(she's been through it all fairly recently and would be really helpful) knowing but don't really want anyone else to.
I would really like some support as it will be a scary and exciting time but I'm concerned in case anything goes wrong or we have to make difficult decisions based on scan and test results, I know some people who can very opinionated and judgemental about these things.

If u can't get round your dh on this one then there is always mumsnet for help and advice. He surely understands your concerns about your mil though and she never needs to know that your family knew first. Good luck!

chalky3 Sun 01-Nov-09 12:20:49

Thought you might be interested in this thread

The First Time Frolickers! More stories of TTC#1. All welcome!

chalky3 Sun 01-Nov-09 12:22:01

Don't know why but that link doesn't seem to work. Try searching for it smile

MrsDmamee Sun 01-Nov-09 12:40:24

its hard to know when to tell..its usually such an exciting time and i know i wanted to share it with everyone and DH did too, but sometimes it is nice to have a little private time to absorb the baby news with just yourself and DH.
last time we waited until we were 10 weeks along b4 we told families..telling both at same time. DHs grandad happened to be visiting at the time so DH thought it made sense and saved him a trip to his grandads house.

im 6wks pg at moment and havent told anyone not even my best friend who i tell everything to. SIL is also pg 26/27 weeks, so im mot sure about saying anything to IL'S until i pass the 12 week mark just incase.
and 12 weeks this time will be xmas week so i might just wait until then

woowa Sun 01-Nov-09 15:12:50

I felt totally differently when pregnant (after 3 years ttc and IVF) to what I thought i'd feel. thought I'd want to tell the world immediately, and found that I didn't. My sister knew when I was having embryo transfer, and was there every step of the way. rest of family not til after 12 week scan. it's ok for some people to know before others - the ones who will support you and not go on about it all the time. You might need that - or not. My advice as to what to do and who to tell? Wait and see!

WhiteRoses Mon 02-Nov-09 07:19:20

Hi Chalky. Yeh, I don't really think getting my husband round will be the issue. He's not a pushover or anything, but with this, I know he'll be putting me first. Though the thing is, he's made his feelings clear and I don't want to ask too much of him. As big a deal as this is for me, it's a pretty big deal to him too! Does your husband really want his mum to know too?

I've actually been reading quite a lot of the Mumsnet forums since we started trying and it's already proved to be a great source of (real and down to earth) information. Never knew such a place existed, till I stumbled across it by accident!

Thanks for the link, by the way. I'll try it out as soon as I've finished this post.

Mrs. D... Congratulations on your pregnancy. I think I'm with you in that I'd like myself and my husband to have some "us" time before the world knows our news. I don't think the few closest people (both of our mums, my dad and my sister) would make a difference to that, but I think everyone else knowing (consequence of and only issue with telling Mother In Law!) would be a problem.

P.S. Being able to announce pregnancy Xmas week sounds a lovely idea.

Woowa, I think you're right in that we do need to wait and see. It's just that I know that within hours of getting a positive, this issue will come up, and I think I need to have a clear idea in my head before then of how I'm going to deal with it. hmm So are you pregnant just now as well?

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