The terrible truth about me. I hate this pregnancy.

[BarbieLovesKen]

I know how terribly selfish I sound and I am ashamed but have to admit, I am not enjoying this pregnancy and cannot actually wait until it?s over. I was coping up until last week but now its getting unbearable. Am 26+4. Am counting the weeks and days - I know that?s awful. I know how lucky I am that I can get pregnant at all and can?t begin to imagine the heartache people go through over fertility problems. I hope I don?t come across as insensitive and am so sorry if I do. I just can?t help it.

After having a miscarriage in February I thought I would really appreciate the fact that this one is successful.

It?s not even that I?m having a hard pregnancy or an unplanned pregnancy or am in ill health in any way. Then my feelings would be somewhat reasonable. I feel fine. I?m just really selfish to be honest, it?s not looking like I?m going to be the best mother to this baby - I don?t have that earth mother /enjoying the miracle of pregnancy feelings whatsoever.

I want my baby, I just want him here. I love to feel him kick and move and know he?s ok but id prefer him to be out of my body. I?m so embarrassed and ashamed.

The terrible truth about me is I don?t want pregnancy to end because, like a ?normal? mother I?m desperate to see my baby or that I?m so sick I can?t function or can?t work etc... But simply because I?m selfish - I want my body back to myself - mostly my figure ? I?ve put on ridiculous weight to date and I want to go on a diet and get back into my old clothes ? I like nice clothes and I want to wear them again. I cant wait to get back to dieting and back to feeling half human - I feel like a disgusting fat pig like this and I hate it, I hate when I catch my reflection in the mirror and I?m embarrassed, I cant wait to go on maternity leave so I can hide from people because I don?t want people to see me like this. Vanity is one of the reasons I want this to end and I believe that?s disgusting.

I want a cigarette. Desperately. I found it really difficult to give up for the pregnancy and I know there is no way I will smoke until I have this baby but hoped not to go back on them once ds is here but know I will. I?m not making excuses but work has been really stressful ? am being somewhat bullied and some of you will remember my thread, my DH cheated on me over a weekend when I was 8 ? 9 weeks pregnant which I?m still devastated about and cant seem to get past. Id also do anything for a few glasses of wine with that cigarette (I?m a no alcohol whatsoever person during pregnancy), I want to wake up once a month with a hangover and I want to go dancing with my friends and DH every now and then.

These are all such ridiculous reasons for wanting my poor baby out of my body and I?m wracked with guilt for having them. I could never admit this to anyone in real life.

I?m even resenting the fact that I ?have? to try and breastfeed again (very bad experience with dd) as this will delay my dieting, having a drink, having a cigarette etc..

My behaviour/ thoughts are disgusting and I?m aware of that.

I have a 4 year old dd and that was an unplanned very unexpected pregnancy yet I displayed waaay more maternal instincts during the pregnancy and I believe that I have been a good mother to her - far from perfect but she is loved to pieces and a very happy little girl. This is a much wanted/ planned baby and I cant understand why I?m behaving/ feeling this way.

I am counting the days. It?s ridiculous that I know that I have 13 weeks and 3 days until my due date which feels like an eternity. I also went 11 days over with dd and am absolutely terrified that the same is going to happen. I would resent the extra days of this.

I?m terrified I?m going to be an awful mother. My priorities are all wrong.

I?m sorry this has been so long. Its almost a relief to get some of this off my chest ? as I cant admit it elsewhere. Thank you x

[midnightexpress]

Oh dear Barbie you do sound miserable. I don't have much advice but didn't want this to go unaswered.

First thing to say is that I'm sure plenty of other people feel similar in pg, especially the bit about having your body back. I wonder if your DP's unfaithfulness and your wish to look 'nice' again (I'm sure you look lovely anyway) might be related. Have you talked to him about this? I know that a lot of women feel unattractive when they are pg, sadly, and the fact that he was unfaithful probably didn't do much for your self-confidence in that regard.

You're not disgusting at all, and I'm sure you're going to be a great mum to your new baby, but it does sound as if there might be more going on here that neds to be sorted out.

[thatsnotmymonster]

Actually I think what you are feeling is more 'normal' than you perhaps think!

OK so maybe not everyone experiences it so strongly and some maybe not at all but it does happen.

I never felt a huge maternal bond in any of my 3 pgs and they were all planned and wanted. I just need to see/hold/touch/smell/hear my baby face to face to bond properly!

9 months is a long time and basically that whole time your body has been invaded by a small creature, your shape changes drastically, your hormones change and you are not 'allowed' to do certain things that you want to! It's not easy and that's why women go through this and not men

Anyway, I think you should stop feeling disgusting and guilty. Maybe treat yourself in other small ways if it helps you to get through the weeks- and before you know it your ds will be here!

[BarbieLovesKen]

Oh thank you so much for your replies.

Honestly, it may not seem like such a big deal but I'm here in work and almost in tears at my desk that someone has responded and you dont appear to think I'm an awful person. All 3 have really helped.

stareyes thank you for your post. I can understand how unbelievably personal it is but you've truely helped me today by sharing this and not making me feel like I'm alone in my feelings. I'm glad your feeling a little better. I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. Has your Doc said you will be back to yourself when you give birth? that may sound stupid - I mean, is it a hormonal thing - prenancy related or is there anyway to know? I hope you'll be ok.

I think my own situation would have escalated except I have dd, which means I have to keep the house ticking over, have to go to work/ college, have to appear plesent - so it wont affect her. Otherwise I think things would have been much worse, shes my little God send

[engelbart]

I think you are being too hard on yourself barbie. And as others have said a lot of what you're feeling is normal. My pregnancy is planned too and yet already I'm worrying about how much weight I've put on and how I'm going to lose it. I can't believe how big I've got in only a few months and hate that I can't wear my normal clothes. I too am dreading getting bigger because nothing will fit and I'm worried I'll just look very very fat rather than having that elusive pregnancy glow! There are lots of things about pregnancy which just arent very pleasant; heartburn, waddling around rather than walking, people staring at your bump (I HATE this) not being able to easily put on tights or socks, and of course not being able to eat and drink what you want. The list is endless!

Just wanted to reassure you that what you're feeling is pretty normal but in real life women are probably reluctant to talk about it (I know I am because I know like you I'm lucky to be able to have a baby). So try not to worry too much!

[MadameDuBain]

The situation with your DH is a big deal, that is a lot to cope with and no wonder you are feeling out of control.

I'm also on my second pg and having a crap time - not quite the same as you, but I am exhausted all the time and also can't wait to have my body and my life back - just to feel energetic, busy and normal. I also have a 4yo and have found this pg different. I'm so much more tired and think less about the baby and more about how rubbish I feel. But it's normal. I think it's a great myth of our times that pregnancy is a wonderful time of joy and looking fabulous. For many women it's about feeling like a whale and/or missing out on normal life, and it's hard.

[mrsrvc]

Ok,
I am going to preface this by saying that I really don't mean in anyway to offend, or be negative, but I just want to say a few words to try to help. If they don't, then I apologise, and I certainly don't want to make you feel worse, because you sound as though you are going through a tough time.

I got very fat in my last pregnancy (4.5 stone extra), and I have to admit that there were times that I felt revolting. But generally, after a mc and an eptopic mc I did my best to try to enjoy every moment of the miracle that was happening inside of me. I thank god every day that I did this, because sadly my little boy passed away a week after he was born. My pregnancy was my life with him and I am so grateful that I tried to overcome my fears about my changing body.

This time round, I am fat in starting, and I am aware that I am likely to find myself getting larger and larger as things go on (all being well). But I hope that I can treasure every moment so that, god forbid, this is all I have with this one, I can look back on it with joy.

Now I don't tell you this to try to make you feel bad, I just think that sometimes being reminded that what we want atthe end of all of this is a happy healthy baby, can put into perspective our desire to fit into our size 10 jeans. (although I do seriously hope that I will be able to do that again- however far in the future).

I hope you feel better soon,
rx

[MadameDuBain]

Btw breastfeeding did not stop me from having a large glass of wine as soon as I was no longer pg. I would have a drink after a feed in the evening to give it a few hours to clear before the next feed. As long as you're not drinking a lot, you can drink while bf.

[TotalChaos]

It's OK to feel uncomfortable with your body, uncomfortable with the lifestyle restrictions etc. I wonder if you might be getting slightly depressed, may be worth talking things through with a sympathetic mw or GP.

I was depressed when I was pg, it more took the form that stareyes describes, full of anxiety about harming the baby, so like her I ended up on ADs. I was about 50% better by the time I had the baby, and about 80% better by 2 months after the birth.

[KatieScarlett2833]

Barbie, I felt EVERY SINGLE ONE of your emotions during my second pregnancy. 13 years on and I've never admitted it to anyone, you're so brave.

In the end, it made no difference to the way I felt towards my DS and has had no horrible long term impact on either of us, it'll be fine, you are totally normal.

[stareyes76]

and this site helped me loads and loads.

[MadameDuBain]

So sorry about your losses mrsrvc. Wishing you the best.

[TotalChaos]

mrs rvc - sorry, I crossposted, very sorry to hear you lost your child.

[TotalChaos]

stareyes - from what I've read it's not so much ante-natal depression that's a risk factor for PND, but untreated ante-natal depression.

[TheOldestCat]

You are NOT a bad person or a bad mother, no way. Who says that to be good mothers we have to wander around glowing for nine months? Fathers don't have the physicality of it, after all, and they are still parents.

My sister-in-law was the best mother and she told me she hated every second of pregnancy. I am finding it pretty hardgoing and also counting the weeks (17 left for me!)

And anyway, look how brilliantly you're doing. You've given up smoking, that must have been so hard as it's such a physical dependency. I really miss beer and I don't think avoiding alcohol is anywhere near as difficult.

Got to collect DD, but just wanted you to know that I think you're doing brilliantly. But if you need to speak to your GP, then follow stareyes' very good advice.

[sweetkitty]

I'm 12 weeks pregnant with number 4 (I know) and I utterly detest being pregnant, I adore my babies but growing them drives me insane.

For the past 8 weeks I have felt so rough, sick about once a day so not too bad but feel sick all the time, like it's at the back of my throat 24/7, constantly shattered and just feel yucky, I know it will pass soon and as soon as it does chances are the SPD will kick in to replace it. Apart from hte near constant pain if I move I hate not being me, not being able to go out for a walk or run upstairs, I feel weak and vunerable. I quite like a bump for a while until bending down etc gets too sore. I didn't like the incontinence last time if I sneezed or coughed too much. In the last few weeks I hated the BHs and the feeling my fanjo was dragging on the floor behind me.

I have no idea why I am doing all this again, I know I will forget all the misery once my baby is here and knowing this one is definitely the last will help too. If they could pull my womb out at the same time as the placenta I would be happy.

I am the worlds most miserable pregnant woman, anyone who says blooming can go away nicely (was going to say f* right off) )

I already think of it as weeks down 12 weeks down 28 to go.

So I can see where you are coming from, I don't think you are disgusting at all. I'm anti smoking and cannot see why anyone would even think about smoking but I can see it's a symptom of just wanting to be you again

[midnightexpress]

OK, now I'm going to say one more thing very, very quietly. Shhh.

I have a friend who smoked a teeeeny bit in both her pgs. She tried and tried to give up and was getting completely worked up about it, and her doctor told her that the anxiety it was causing her was probably doing more harm to the baby than having one or two fags a week. She now has two very happy, very healthy children.

Before anyone flames me, I don't smoke, I don't advocate smoking and I'm not recommending that you start smoking again (in fact I shall hereby give you a Very Big Pat On The Back for stopping). What I am saying is that if you think that the stopping smoking may be contributing to a feeling of more general misery, it's probably worth mentioning to a doctor.

[QTPie]

Hi

I think that you are probably quite normal...

I don't feel disimilar, but in particular since the SPD has hit me: I went from going to the gym 4 or so times a week and being able to walk miles happily, to being able to do no cardio work (or anything involing legs) and struggling to walk 200 yards within a week!

It is complete "lack of control" during pregnancy. I don't smoke, can handle the cut down in drink (will have the occassional single unit glass, but VERY rarely) and even maybe the restrictive diet (both because of "warnings" and because I just can't face many foods...). But taking away being active and mobile - at such an early stage of pregnancy (22 weeks) - really upset me...

I haven't put on loads of weight yet - 8lbs by 25.5 weeks (seems reasonable) - and most of that is on my bump/breasts. BUT my face is rounder and I think that my bottom has got wobblier since not being able to do cardio/leg stuff at the gym.

I don't think that you HAVE to put on loads of weight during pregnancy: as long as you eat sensibly and keep fairly active (not easy if you have SPD though!).

I too love this baby and love feeling him alive (and kicking) and feel VERY lucky (after an MC in March). BUT I look forward to having my body back (hopefully in one piece... ).

What I don't understand is why you feel you "have" to breastfeed? If you are really against it, then why not bottle feed? I am sure that trying to breasteed is best 9and will be trying to do that myself), BUT if it makes you miserable and resentful then wouldn't it be easier for everyone just to make the decision to bottle feed from the start? Give yourself some control back, make it easier to bond with your baby etc?

Don't feel guilty - honestly you are perfectly normal.

QT

[stareyes76]

barbielovesken how ae you doing? have we helped more?

[Thingiebob]

I think you are doing exceptionally well to be honest. I'm impressed. Giving up all the good things in life and suffering a multitude of ailments over a period of nine months is not a recipe for fun!

Stop beating yourself up. You're already suffering - don't make it worse by being so hard on yourself. There is no LAW, natural or legal that says you have to enjoy pregnancy!

[colditz]

What the FUCK are you on about>?

You're not disgusting and selfish, you're normal!

i felt vcompletely invaded by my babies, I hated the fact that they were almost parasitic, I hated the change in my body, my abilities, my freedoms.

I wasn't remotely grateful for my pregnancies, I hated every last second of them.

But don't think for a second that I didn't love my children - and I don't resent them either, and never have.

being pregnant is shit. It's hard work for a VERY postponed reward. You're allowed to bloody hate it!

[lostlenore]

Hi, I feel pretty much the same as you - before pregnancy I had slimmed right down for my wedding (had a flat stomach and loved it) but had got a bit weird about food. Basically I would eat about one snickers a day for calories and starve the rest of the time. I would eat in front of my family and then make myself puke.

Now I'm pregnant (20 weeks) i am miserable as sin. I want the baby and I only hope that these feelings go away when I see it's little face but I hate carrying it. When it moves I feel sick. i hate being bigger and I hate having to eat three times a day (normally manage one or two - most often its snickers for breakfast/lunch then sensible ish dinner). Hard not to make myself sick but so far I haven't.

Also smoked and drank before to deal with my feelings. Gave up smoking when I found out I was pregnant (about 3-4 weeks in) and had only been legless drunk about two times. I worry that I harmed my baby and that gives me something else to feel guilty about but all the scans I have had seem fine.

I feel ashamed for not being happy, especially as people keep telling me that others have been through this before and so and so had to work so much harder than me and so and so was SO happy to be pregnant. Also, I always felt that motherhood would be natural to me and I would love being pregnant, so it has come as a complete shock to find that it sucks ass.

I went to see the GP yesterday. I think what I am trying to say is don't be afraid to speak to someone about how shitty you are feeling. Your Dr will NOT hold it against you. It isn't your fault that you feel bad, your hormones are all out of sync and its chemicals, not you. Get something done about it before it becomes too much of a problem, you are not the only one who feels that way, and you can be helped (hopefully). Good luck xx

[silverten]

Don't really have anything much to add, but just to say that I too am not exactly loving it- 33 weeks today, and I'm having a really easy pregnancy so far.

I just don't feel much about it at all at the moment- no 'connection' to the baby or anything particularly maternal really. Haven't remotely started to adjust to the idea of being someone's mummy yet- am relying on all that stuff happening when it is actually born!

Not liking the bump, the inconvenience of getting out of breath, tiredness, swollen ankles, weird appetite problems, hard to do up shoes... and am more preoccupied with how we will manage once we have a child- loss of independence, sleep deprivation, having to put up with awful twee kiddy things/activities, having to give up work for what seems like ages... Bored to death of the clothing problem and don't want to waste my precious time buying baby stuff as I hate shopping. Plenty of trepidation about the birth. Fully expect the first couple of months to be the least fun, hardest work of my life. Am just hoping to be able to get through it mostly in one piece, with some shreds of sanity and dignity left. Then I can concentrate on building up our family life and teaching the child new things, showing them cool stuff and starting to have a bit of fun again.

Everyone else gets to go on about tiny little cute fluffy babies to their heart's content, but it's us who have to deal with all the hard/dull/painful/undignified/inconvenient stuff that goes with it as well!

[CatIsSleepy]

i hated both my pregnancies apart from about 2 weeks in the middle when I wasn't toooo huge or too tired

i just wanted my body back and to be able to wear normal clothes etc

i thought this was par for the course!

i think if I could have another baby without being pregnant I probably would (ok with the proviso that the baby liked sleeping )but cannot face being pregnant ever again