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So upset . . .am I being unreasonable?

(18 Posts)
chubbychipmonk Mon 19-Oct-09 13:27:24

Not sure whether this is the right place to post this message? Im 31weeks pregnant and feel totally let down and unsuported by my partner. It was his birthday at the weekend and I have spent the last month organising a surprise party for him. Burst my ass and the whole night was a great success . . have I had much thanks? No. He went out this morning and I thought he'll come back with some flowere or something to say thanks for the great party but nothing. Now im really upset but dont know if its my hormones or the fact that im pregnant. I thought when you were pregnant your partnenr was supposed to make you feel special and really loved and cared for but I just feel really let down. Any time I say to him 'the babys kicking' he puts one hand on my tummy while continuing to watch tv. We fall out about it all the time. My tummy has started to move when the baby kicks but he wont take his eyes off the tv long enough to see it. The flower thing this morning was the final straw, I know its prob not a big deal and maybe im being stupid but now im thinking why did i bother? We ve just had a massive row now and im really upset but dont think ive done anything wrong????

Iklboo Mon 19-Oct-09 13:29:48

It's a combination of things

1) - Your hormones

2) He's a man

It probably won't have crossed his mind how much effort you put into organising his party. A lot of men think things like this just happen - or that the party organiser/washing up/bed making/ironing fairy does it hmm

Fruitbatlings Mon 19-Oct-09 13:31:52

are you dating my husband? wink

I think a lot (not all!) of men are like this.
This type of man can't show emotion - gratitude/excitement etc...
Still no excuse but just wanted you to know he's not the only sorry excuse for a man

<fruity gives chubby a manly pat>

He'll bond with the baby once he/she is born smile

chubbychipmonk Mon 19-Oct-09 13:37:42

I dont think it would have bene too much effort though to stop in at a florist and buy his heavily pregnant fiancee a £5 bunch of flowers for her spending every waking minute over the last month organising a party for his selfish ass? Now im the one in the wrong apparently for being in a bad mood!!!! I honestly dont know why i bothered!!

stillstanding Mon 19-Oct-09 13:38:58

I would be upset if DH didn't show an interest in the baby too but I agree with Iklboo that sometimes men are just men. It can be hard for them to understand the reality of this life growing inside you in the same way that you do. Often they only really get it once the baby is born. Unless there is something else going on that you haven't told us about I wouldn't get overly concerned or upset about this.

I also think that you have unrealistic expectations about how your partner should be treating you, ie that "your partner is supposed to make you feel special and really loved and cared for" when you are pregnant ... very unrealistic and a little hormonal. I wouldn't expect a thank you present for a birthday party although I would expect thanks. Did he thank you at all? I'm hoping he did but that you perhaps didn't notice ...?

Anyway I am sorry that you feeling uncared for and blue. Try to talk to him about how you feel but not in a demanding way. You have to accept that you are not quite yourself at the moment.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump Mon 19-Oct-09 13:38:58

Hi chubbychipmonk

Sorry you are feeling so down about things. It is really really common for men not to show much interest in the baby moving and kicking. It is all a bit unreal for many men until the baby arrives. As long as he is being supportive generally, it might be as much as you can expect.

We are having our 3rd baby and it is only during this pregnancy that DH has used his initiative to do special things for me, and has shown real interest in feeling the baby move. I think because we have children already (and this is the last!) he is truly appreciating it.

As for his birthday has he said thank you at all? If not that is out of line and you should tell him that you feel a bit taken for granted. But unless he normally buys you flowers or other spontaneous gestures it probably hasn't occured to him to do so for this.

Go and do something really special for yourself and make yourself feel happier smile

Doodleydoo Mon 19-Oct-09 13:40:41

You were very nice to do this! My DH organised a suprise party for me where I ended up doing everything - great suprise I can assure you.

Its a man thing, followed by being another man thing, followed by a little bit of hormonal issues, followed by a man thing again.

LadyOfTheFlowers Mon 19-Oct-09 13:43:43

Think it is quite difficult for men to 'bond' with baby in utero tbh. Men are generally quite practical beings - unless they can see or touch or feel something, it doesn't really exist.

Once the baby is here, I am sure he will be interested.

Not condoning lack of thanks for party though. hmm (But is the reason I wouldn't bother! )

Biobytes Mon 19-Oct-09 13:44:08

Chubby... men are like they are...

...and so are we: Go and get yourself a wonderful maternity top with the supermarket money, you deserve it and I'm sure you will be able to choose exactly what you want in a way that he simply couldn't.

chubbychipmonk Mon 19-Oct-09 13:50:35

Thanks everyone for the messages. It prob is my hormones but now ive just got myself so upset. He did say thank you at the time and I know he appreciated it but it would just have been nice if hed shown his appreciation a bit more. The whole bonding with the bump thing is really getting me down too. As part of his birthday id bought him a book 'I can wait to meet my daddy' for him to read to the bump as I keep telling him now that the baby can hear him . . its stll lying on the kitchen table, hasnt bothered his arse to read it to the baby. Isthis normal, are my expectations too high??

MrsHappy Mon 19-Oct-09 13:56:04

TBH I think you are expecting too much.
We have months in which we feel different, feel our babies moving etc and get used to the idea that everything is about to change.
Men only ever deal with things when they are right in front of them - which your baby is not, as yet. My DH's only concern when I was pregnant with our first was that I would be ok. He did not start bonding with the baby until she was here (and he's a great dad now).

And in your final trimester you are pretty much supposed to be permenantly pissed off with your partner. I may have tried to knock my DH's head off with a vegetable (yes really) a couple of weeks ago, but that is par for the course. Give it a few more weeks and I will revert to my formerly rational self. It's fair enough; he wants things to stay the same and doesn't bend over backwards to acknowledge my special status as the uber-gestator and I provide payback by turning into a hormonal loon. Try not to get upset in the meantime - things will settle down after the baby comes!

BiscuitStuffer Mon 19-Oct-09 14:10:33

I think he should say thank you for organising the party (of course) but not have to buy you flowers or a present - I'm a girl and I would find that over the top to do. You should be gaining pleasure in the fun he had at it. I always think it's strange when people feel that they should be given something in return for doing something for someone.

I'm pregnant and have been twice more. I had great ideas about singing to the bumps etc but when it came to it I just felt stupid so didn't bother. May be it's that?

Biobytes Mon 19-Oct-09 14:10:37

I would say is normal, my ex got a lot of those books from some of my female friends and to be honest, he didn't care. Some of them are simply not written for men consumption regardless of what the title say.

I have a friend that she use to take her DD to the zoo before the girl was born, I thought it was lovely and highly amusing (we all, mother inclusive, still joke about it but in escence we all think its very sweet).

Some dads, and I would say probably a very big proportion of them, are not able to start bonding with their child until they see the child smiling back at them.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump Mon 19-Oct-09 14:12:26

I think you are expecting too much of him to want to read the book to the baby. It might be nice though if he did it for you because it obviously means a lot to you. But don't expect him to feel the same way about it.

I could barely get DH to read up on stuff he needed to know for the labour and birth. It's just not so fascinating for them. What's important is that they can be relied upon for the important parts. They can support you, but you have to tell them what to do. And that the car is filled with petrol when the time comes grin

I think the problem is that we get this message from society that men are so much more 'hands on' and involved in pregnancy these days, that we feel if our DH's aren't doing enough then something is wrong. I remember being really upset when pg with DS1 that DH just wasn't interested enough.

It's only since coming on mn that I realise that it is normal for men to be like this, and those women who have the uber involved partners who do everything for them are very rare and lucky smile

BarakObamasTransitVan Mon 19-Oct-09 14:28:22

YANBU to be upset but it all sounds pretty standard, tbh.
I found the concept of "my baby" pretty abstract when I was pg with ds, even later on when I could see him kicking and moving about it didn't feel quite real. Had it been dp who was pg I'd have felt even more detached. I had no problems bonding with ds when he was born and I really don't think not being entralled by a bump is a bad sign.
And sorry for sounding harsh but 'I can wait to meet my daddy' sounds horribly saccharine to me, but then I feel queasy when people talk about their "bean" or their "bubba", ditto those ticker things people have on other forums. Perhaps your dp just finds that kind of thing too schmaltzy.
In short, for lots of people (mothers too) a baby isn't a baby until it's there, screaming away in the delivery suite. Please don't worry so much smile

Comma2 Mon 19-Oct-09 14:30:02

I agree with all above. Be happy that you are so lovely and organzized a party for him, and that he was happy about the party. Then go reward yourself if you feel like you deserve something! No good waiting for someone else to do it.

And yes, men can be very detached (even freaked out) from the entire pregnancy, don't worry about it. It's also not necessarily going to get better right away after baby is born, so steel yourself. Many men don't catch on until baby is starting to interact something more. But then the love affair usually takes off! grin

DH didn't get up ONCE during the first 7 months, and has no clue to how hard it actually was. By now he has a bit of an inkling, which is all I can ask for, it seems. hmm

2ndattempt Tue 20-Oct-09 12:38:06

my dh has been quite good so far, (26 weeks), its the mother in law i want to murder, the only thing stopping me at the moment is the thought of giving birth in prison!!wink

MandaHugNKill Tue 20-Oct-09 13:25:54

2ndattempt, just to let you know, you would still give birth in a hospital, but you'd be accompanied by prison officers (I've been in that position before. Uh, as the officer, not the person giving birth!)

So if that's the only thing stopping you... get to it, woman! grin

chubbychipmonk The hormones can make us crazy (in a kill/weepy/depressed/unreasonbly irritable**) way. However, expecting a gift to physically show thanks for something is a little over the top, I feel. He showed his gratitude at the time and whilst it may be your nature to then follow that up with a little gift or card to cement the sentiment, it's probably not his. Ask yourself if he would have bought you flowers if you'd arranged a party when NOT pregnant; ask yourself if he usually buys you a little something to say thanks. If the answer is no, and if you don't usually have a problem accepting you're both different then obviously it's just the pregnancy making you feel different and you need to express that to him (without, if possible, actually rowing with him... even starting off by saying, 'I know this will sound crazy, but I just feel so emotional with all the pregnancy hormones whizzing 'round my system... but I'm getting upset over a few things <list them>. Then: Like I said, I know it's crazy but can you just make a little bit more effort?' because it probably genuinely doesn't occur to him if it isn't pointed out - as sexist as it sounds, men on the whole simply aren't as intuitive as women.

Feel better soon.

**delete as necessary

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