I'm pregnant and I've got so many conflicting emotions over it

[SlackSally]

Hello all,

I found out I was pregnant this morning, totally unplanned. I had to go straight to 'work' (am on PGCE so it's actually my placement school) so haven't had any time to do anything until just now.

I popped into the local doctors on my way home and they can't do anything until Monday. Equally no luck with any local maternity departments.

Now I have to face the prospect of a whole weekend and another day at school being totally confused and worried. I don't have any children and wasn't planning on getting pregnant yet. I've just started my course and had to work so hard to get there I don't want to think about giving it all up.

I have no idea 'how' pregnant I am because although I haven't had a period since August, I've only just started feeling queasy (hence the test) and am used to irregular periods, so I haven't suspected until now.

To complicate things, because I had no idea I've been smoking, with the occasional heavy bout of drinking and I'm terrified I might have damaged the foetus.

I kept nearly bursting into tears at school and can't concentrate on anything. I have a lovely partner who I know will support me whatever happens.

If anyone has had something similar happen, or just any advice it would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[BarbieLovesKen]

Oh sweetheart, I know exactly how you feel - an unplanned pregnancy can really knock the wind out of you and shake up your whole world.

I "fell" pregnant with my dd (now 4) when I was 19, I was only 7 months with my now DH, although I hate to admit it now, I honestly thought I would die, I thought it was the worst thing that could possibly ever happen. I was completely unprepared, living at home with my mother, no money etc..

I cried constantly, I didnt know what Id do. I cant but smile a little when I think back now because honestly (and I know people say it but its true!), that pregnancy was the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I now cannot begin to imagine my life without dd and am now pregnant with number 2. I want you to know that although things look bleak now, I bet they will turn out fabulous.

It is scary, it is hard but its brilliant.

There is never a good time to get pregnant - honestly - we planned this one - we're now married, have own home, jobs, income, big garden, childcare arrangements... and I could honestly say Im still as scared as I was on my first.

I think its sometimes a good thing to just "happen" - particulary when you know you have the support of a partner.

Remember life does not end - you dont have to give it all up. I have just started my degree - am due this baby half way through my second semester and work full time and I know itll be fine.

Focus on the positives.

Oh and about the smoking/ drinking - almost every pregnant woman has worried about this!! how could any of us possibly know from point of conception that we are pregnant?? I found I was pregnant with both of mine on days I had serious hangover and had smoked about 20 per day. Once you do your best to quit and be healthy now, I would be very suprised to hear any damage to baby.

the very very best of luck
and congratulations

[SlackSally]

Thank you so much BlK, it sounds like you know just how I feel.

I KNOW there's never a right time, but it just feels like the worst time possible. If I'm 'as' pregnant as I think I might be, it would probably be due about 4-6 weeks before the end of the course, meaning I wouldn't be able to complete it. It just feels like such a waste.

And although I'm actually about to turn 23, I feel like a teenager. I feel so irresponsible for letting it happen and I feel like I'm going to be judged by everyone. None of my friends have children yet.

And I feel really selfish at feeling like this because I know how desperately some women want/try for babies and can't have them.

I have managed not to smoke all day though.

[Firsttimer7259]

Maybe this is an unusual thing to say on Mumsnet and esp on this thread. But you dont ahve to go on being pregnant if you think now is not the right time for you (providedyou are within the legal limits).

I got pregnant in my mid 20s and had a termination. It was a good thing for me. It was not an easy decision -I took it very seriously but I always felt afterwards that it was the right thing to do, even though it was not impossible for me to have a baby at that time.

But I had other things I wanted to do then (complete my studies start my career etc) and I went on and did them and now I am pregnant with my first, totally delighted about this and ready to give a large part of mylife and time over to my child.

In an odd way that abortion really helped me think about wanting children and why and when etc And it helped me eventually get my life ready for a child. Not that we feel we have enough money etc now but I am ready now..

I am not saying 'have an abortion', its a deeply personal decsion but I am just pointing out that of now is not the right time and you are still early enough you do have other options.

Good luck

[SlackSally]

That's one of my concerns, FTer. If I'm a couple of weeks, I think that's quite a likely option. If it's more like 6-8 weeks, which I think it is, I'm not sure I could go through with it.

Illogical as it may be, one feels like taking a paracetemol to get rid of a headache while the other feels like, well, awful, horrible.

I'm just so confused and I wish I didn't have to make these decisions.

For what it's worth, I've always wanted to have children, absolutely defnitely. So it is just the timing. And the shock. And the fact I've had to 'forget' about it all day.

[ErikaMaye]

Hiya

I got with my DP in the first week of February - and fell pregnant a week later! Totally unplanned, obviously. I was seventeen at the time. Am physically disabled, with a history of mental health issues, living at home with my parents and younger brother.

Our son is due in four and a half weeks, and I honestly could not be happier. Its given me a meaning in life, and I can see a future for myself now, with my little man of course!

If the dates are important to you, I hope the MW gets in touch really soon so you can work out what is the best option for you - they should offer you a dating scan.

As for the shock - well, that never really eases off, and I'm sure it never will

Best of luck, and do keep talking - there are plenty of us here to listen!

[Firsttimer7259]

I just wanted my post to showthat an abortion is not always a horror story that mkaes you feel guilty for ever more. But that depends on how you feel about it and if it feels wrong then maybe not for you.

Its a tough decision and I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

[ShowOfHands]

Hello there.

I've never been in your situation, though I can concur that you feel terrified even if it is a much wanted, much planned for baby. The fear is not a reflection on your ability to do this (whichever option you take) but on the magnitude of the situation.

I just wanted to say that being pregnant, having a child or requiring a termination, none of it presents absolutes. Whatever path you choose, you have options available to you. Pregnancy/baby does not mean no career/course, it just means you might have to defer/take a break/go part time/other.

Talk about it to whoever you need to. Here, GP, your partner, supportive family/friends and make the decision that is best for you.

[SlackSally]

Thank you all so much. I truly appreciate all opinions or stories.

I'm seeing the doctor on Monday and I'll have lots of questions for him obviously and hopefully things will be little clearer then.

DP is being wonderful. Almost too wonderful. I almost want him to have a really strong opinion one way or the other to take some of the pressure off.

Thank you all again. I expect I'll keep posting other silly questions and I'll let you all know what I decide.

[jardins]

Dear SlackSally I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from. I fell pregnant when I was 26 (not for the first time as I had a termination at 19 - I was so NOT ready to become a parent when starting up university). I was sooooo scared when I discovered I was pregnant at 26 but I very quickly realised that I would not part with this baby! During the first part of the pregnancy I continued being scared: my personal and professional situation was less stable than yours by the sound of it. But, guess what? Come 6 months I was so high on pregnancy hormones and, yes, mostly happy although I had no idea what kind of mother I would make.

Looking back now, 14 years later, like BarbieLovesKen my DD's arrival in this world made everything special. She has been the wonder of my life, and, although, I had to raise her alone for 7 years, thanks to her I became a more directed, determined, and loving person.

Now at the grand old age of 40 I am pregnant with my third (married, settle, bla, bla) and guess what? I'm scared again but I know how magic it's gonna be.

You have choices but please don't forget that it's normal to feel overwhelmed and terrified by the thought of being pregnant. The hormones will not be helping either as over the next few weeks, if you choose to continue, you will be on a right rollercoaster. Hang in there; it gets better.

[MumNWLondon]

SlackSally - whatever you decide will be right... there are some pregnancy tests you can buy in boots which can give you an estimate to how pregnant you are so that should help... best time to do a dating scan is around 6 weeks (ie 4 weeks from conception).

its good your DP is being so supportive.. re: the course, there would probably be a way to finish it, but if the time (or partner) is wrong you mustn't feel bad about a termination. I just had a nuchal scan today and however developed the fotus is a 13 weeks, it isn't just a fotus and not viable at all and if its the wrong time well you've got to do what is right for you.

[BarbieLovesKen]

SlackSally, how are you feeling today?

[stephie101]

I was talking to my eldest daughter of 13 this morning as I'm 3 weeks gone,but with a threatened miscarriage, my 3rd unplanned pregnancy, yes its scary, emotional, worrying and shocking and i should know better by now!
I can assure you that although smoking and drinking these little humans are resiliant, I at 17 fell pregnant with my daughter, I was using recreational drugs and didnt know i was 8 weeks pregnant, shes fine,and thre were no complications.

My advice is take your time, have some space and dont hide your feelings.....Take care xx

[Firsttimer7259]

Hey there Sally. I hope you are doing ok today.

I wanted to say is talking it through with people was what I found really helpful. Esp with people who dont have power over you (or think they should) and are really just on your side. I didnt talk to my parents except to inform them of my decision for that reason. But I spoke to a few, carefully selected, wise friends. One was particularly helpful because she was so balanced: she said stuff like 'you could have a baby now and then find employers will be keener on you becasue you have your kids behind you rather than worrying that you will be off on maternity leave any time'. Same thing regardng money, people manage, we always do. Really seeing that either path is possible allowed me to follow my heart. I think thats why I dont feel guilty.

And altho I say I am ready now in a way I was not before, I know there will be moments where I will feel overwhelmed and unprepared just like I know there would have been moments of great joy had I decided to have that earlier baby.

About the drinking - I think dont worry, many many people dont realise they are pregnant early on and do things they would not have otherwise. If you are at all concerned ask your doctor or midwife.

And finally, even if you are in two minds make your arrangements in both directions as soon as you can, you need to book appointments and there are forms etc that need signing and decisions that need making about the type of termination you have. I think the less far along you are the easier it is on you physically. And I couldnt recommend the marie stopes clinics enough if you can afford them. You can always still refuse to go ahead with it. In the other direction a dating scan and starting on the folic acid would be useful, and would maybe help you get your head round whats happening.

Its your life, do whatever is right for you. And you are the expert on whats right for you. I really hope you are doing ok.

[SlackSally]

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words/thoughts.

Nothing is decided yet as I'm still in the dark as to date and I'm still pretty confused. Had an awful day at placement today, which hasn't helped. But my two best friends are on their way round at the moment. Hopefully for a little non-judgemental support/girly gossip etc.

I've still not smoked, which I'm pretty chuffed about. But man, when I came out of school I could REALLY have done with one. Went for an overpriced cup of tea instead.