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Pregnant with our 2nd but DP very angry

(45 Posts)
cafuffle Tue 22-Sep-09 21:13:22

I've just found out that I'm pregnant with our second and DP is furious. DD is 13 months and we'd talked about whether to have another one but he'd been against the idea.

He's currently giving me the silent treatment and is accusing me of deliberately getting pregnant. This isn't the case. I did miss taking the pill a couple of times but I told him I had on both occasions and gave him the option of using something else. So I think he was aware of the situation and therefore in my opinion is as responsible as me. However all he said is that he knew I'd get pregnant and has stormed out.

What would you do? I can't stand the silence and part of me wants to try and make him talk about it. Or will that make things worse? I'm worried if I push it he'll say he doesn't want the baby and that will drive a massive wedge between us. However, I just think things will fester more and more if we carry on in stony silence.

Arrrrrrrrrrrgh

GiPi1 Tue 22-Sep-09 21:22:27

Oh my goodness - poor you - how far gone are you??

I can't say to you that he will come round, cos I don't know him !! but why is he so against having another baby?

I really do feel for you, but please try to look after yourself and think about you and your dd, let him resolve his own issues - he is an adult and like you said is half responsible too.

How do you feel about the pregnancy, irrespective of what your dp feels?

cafuffle Tue 22-Sep-09 21:35:57

Only just found out so I guess only 5 or 6 weeks (very erratic periods so I can't say for certain!)

He thinks dd is perfect and therefore can't understand why we'd think about having a second. He also worries he's too old (52, so he may have a point) although I can't see what difference 2 years makes between DD's age and the next ones.

I'm just feeling like a muppet. I should have insisted he take responsibility I think, or should have said no. Or thought it through more or something.

There's no way I'd have a termination but the thought of him resenting the baby makes me feel awful and sends my head spinning.

I just feel rejected, a bit stupid. And sad.

GiPi1 Tue 22-Sep-09 22:15:37

Please don't feel like a muppet - you aren't one !!! yes, he is an "older" dad but as you said your daughter is only 13 months old so how is it so different.

I am 40 and already have 2 beautiful little ones, aged 7 and 5, and am now just over 8 weeks pregnant - completely unplanned.

A bit of history - split with my childrens dad 3 years ago, met a guy 1 year ago and then out of then felt pregnant 2 months ago - the baby's father and I had split up 2 days before I found out!! He "came back" but 3 days later I asked him to leave because he was being very controlling (won't go into the boring stuff). Anyway, 1 week later he came round to tell me he wanted me to terminate the pregnancy - and that if I had the baby he wanted nothing to do with it !!! That just made me more determined to have a healthy pregnancy and baby !! He has since done an about turn and has said that he really is pleased about the pregnancy and wants contact with the baby etc etc. My head is spinning with it all.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that men say and do the most stupid things when they are not "in control of a situation" - I hope that he will come around and realise that this is HIS baby, just as your daughter is and to reject it would be like rejecting his daughter. He is probably in shock, as you are too, and once he gets used to the idea will love it as much as he did the first time around.

When you do start talking please try to tell him how he has made you feel by his reaction to your pregnancy, I do think he is being very selfish (sorry if I am speaking out of turn)

xx

colditz Tue 22-Sep-09 22:20:50

Ok.Whilest his behavior is inexcusable (I am assuming he has a functional penis and was using on the night of conceptionhmm)

If someone sprung on me a baby I didn't want, and I genuinely believed they had done it on purpose, I'd be very stroppy.

HOWEVER.

He had more control over the conception than you did. You TOLD him you had missed pills, and you TOLD him he needed to use condoms if not wanting to risk pregnancy - it's actually his own fault he got you pregnant.

CyradisTheSeer Wed 23-Sep-09 08:21:16

Message withdrawn

rubyslippers Wed 23-Sep-09 08:24:42

you gave him the option of using something else - assume he didn't?

i wouldn't have had sex in that case or used the MAP

you knew you were at risk of a PG, and so did your DP but neither of you did a thing to mitigate that risk which is frankly daft

anyway, you are where you are - what reasons has he given for not wanting another?

how do you feel? you do need to talk and quickly

LoveBeingAMummy Wed 23-Sep-09 08:29:07

Its obviously a shock for him and he needs to calm down before you talk about it further. Its suprising how many men don't think about the fact that if they have sex without using anything women get pregnant!

Hopefully once he's calmed down he will deal with it better. Its not going to be the nicest memory of this pg bet hey they'll be loads of others. That said maybe you should think about what you would want to do it he said he doesn't want the baby.

MmeLindt Wed 23-Sep-09 08:31:57

I don't think that apportioning blame is at present helpful or necessary.

You were both aware of the danger of a pregnancy, you both decided to ignore that risk and have sex anyway.

You both have to live with the consequences.

Write down your feelings, for and against the pregnancy. Ask him to write down his for and against then compare notes and work through the issues.

Jennylee Wed 23-Sep-09 09:20:20

people you can't blame one or the other, they both knew they could get pg. the same thing has happened to me and it is both our faults. As it needs something from both to make the baby!it can't be one or the other fault if they both knew she had missed pills - it has to be both their fault. But that don't help the OP at all she is suffering from her dp being mean to her over something he did not have to be going through and just blaming her.

I think she wants advice on that not on who was to blame for the conception.

mummyscrummy Wed 23-Sep-09 09:21:06

Hi,
I can sympathise with you. I am in the same situation. I'm 14 weeks pregnant with my 2nd. My first is 20 months old. When i first told DP he wasn't at all happy and asked me to have a termination. When I refused he said that I'd done this on purpose. However, he knew i'd come off the pill as i was having a health drive and wanted to lose weight so we were using condoms, but not everytime.
Anyway he seemed to come round to the idea a little and started talking names. Until yesterday. When I picked my son up from nursery I was told that nursery fees are going up by £5 a day. DP was not happy when i told him and it has resurfaced all the previous doubts and anger he had. Now he's adamant he never wanted this baby in the first place.
People just keep telling me to ride it out and that he'll come round. Hopefully he will!
x x

Jennylee Wed 23-Sep-09 09:28:48

not sure how to advise, I have a dd the same age and am pg from unprotected sex, we both knew it was a risk and we both took part. still my dh was trying to blame me. I told him I did not summon the sperm from the air into myself, he bloody took part so it can't be just my fault, I did not force him to have sex with me.

One thing I don't get, we already have a dd he totally loves, what difference does another one really make in my home it is me that does most of the childcare, so it is me who is going to bear the consequences more than him. He is annoyed that me and the family are happy about it now, but I say am I supposed to go around sobbing and crying and wishing it away for 9 months or should I accept so I will be happy to meet it when it comes. op I feel your pain

FabBakerGirlIsBack Wed 23-Sep-09 09:30:50

Without placing blame the difference is the OP wanted another baby so wasn't going to push the use a condom or no sex line, but equally he should have abstained or used a condom.

OP - just leave him for now, he will either come round or he won't but I wouldn't waste my energy trying to talk him round other than to tell him what the situation is and he has to deal with it.

Rindercella Wed 23-Sep-09 09:41:03

Ok, it is still a very big shock for him - I assume you have both only just found out & he is now in a strop?

I agree with MmeLindt in that there is no point in apportioning blame, particularly not on this thread! You are both adults and have equally responsibility when it comes to contraception - you both knew the risks, accepted them and now you are pregnant.

My DH is 51 and I am now pg with DC2. One of his friends is about 54 and has just become a father. Another is about 55 and has 2 under 3 year olds. Your DH's age isn't that important - it's only an issue if he makes it one.

I cannot say whether or not he will come round to the idea. I just hope that the two of you can sit down and discuss it rationally and work out the best way forward for your family. Get a scan as soon as you can - if you're in any doubt about how far gone you are, you need to find out.

Btw, when DD was about the same age as yours, I thought she was too perfect for us to have any more children and so decided we'd just have her. We changed our minds a few months later - not about how perfect she is, because of course that's a given; but about how there will be room for 2 perfect DC smile

My two penneth in this instance is that if you told him you weren't protected, and he had sex with you anyway, knowing you were amenable to having another child, he made his decision right there. If having another baby within a stable loving relationship is so terrible then he shouldn't be having sex at all just in case. hmm

Bloody men who are quite happy to shove their dicks anywhere they please and not take responsibility for the consequences. It's us who has to carry the baby, deliver it, breastfeed it, and it's usually us who does the majority of the childcare and the sleep deprivation. They need to man up and take responsibility, imho. angry

MmeLindt Wed 23-Sep-09 10:14:20

Just to clarify, I meant that the OP and her DH should not be blaming each other. It is not healthy in a relationship if blame is put onto one partner for something that both was the responsibility of both.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump Wed 23-Sep-09 16:39:43

"However all he said is that he knew I'd get pregnant and has stormed out". What a strange thing for him to say. If he knew you'd get pregnant through unprotected sex why didn't he use a condom hmm

I imagine he is probably as furious with himself as he is with you. And if he's not then he should be.

I would let him get over the initial shock and calm down. Tell him you there are ready to talk when he is less angry and full of blame.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Wed 23-Sep-09 17:28:43

That comment sounds like he thinks she did it on purpose to me.

Did you forget subconsciously? Do you often forget your pill? Doesn't alter the fact he could have used a condom or gone without sex though.

katnkittens Wed 23-Sep-09 17:29:19

I agree that apportioning blame is only going to end in tears. You both need to accept responsibility and move on from it.

You sound like you have managed but your DH sounds like a stroppy child (no offence they all have their moments)but for a 52 year old man he needs to realise how ridiculous he is being.

You need to be tough on him, tell him he's being ridiculous and remind him how amazing your dd is and that this baby is going to be equally as fantastic. It may be that he adores your dd so much that he is scared another DC won't live up to her and he can't possibly love another one as much (we've all been there).

I have had unplanned pregnancies and trust me, the initial shock wears off and you and your partner will learn to get excited and enjoy this baby as much as your last one.

Good luck

xxx

Neeko Wed 23-Sep-09 18:09:33

I have to agree that who is to blame is now irrelevant. You're determined you are keeping the baby, so just concentrate on a healthy pregnancy and let him make his own mind up.

It's already been said but men panic when they feel they're not in control. If he's a dotting dad already, chances are he'll come round when he calms down and loses the fight or flight adrenelin rush.

Tentative congratulations and good wishes for a healthy child - surely the most important thing if you've decided to continue with the pregnancy?

Comma2 Wed 23-Sep-09 22:06:11

Stupid sod, let him sulk it out and then discuss it when he deigns to. Seriously, how mature for his 52 years.

haraslou Thu 24-Sep-09 08:22:42

I was in a very similar session -DP not accusatory but refused to talk about it. I didn;t tell him til I was 7 wks as I knew he wouldn;t be happy. His worry was going thru the whole sleep deprivation/lack of sex life/ bickering at eachother etc. so I was quite concerned what it would do to our relationship. Despite throwing up several times a day I tried really hard not to maon/mention the pregnancy/continue as normal as possible. He has, I am glad to say, completely come round- slowly at first and then, once we got to 12weeks and started telling everyone and hearing their excitement, much more quickly. I am now 23 wks and we can talk about it in a positive light,even joke about it! the kids are thrilled so he has to be too, really. at the moment our relationship is as good as it's been for a while so, fingers crossed..... good luck. I think your partner will need time, but he does have a good 8 months to come to terms with it.

cafuffle Thu 24-Sep-09 08:56:40

We had a bit of a chat last night and he's adamant he doesn't want the baby and wants me to have a termination.

That isn't going to happen so we're stuffed I think.

Thanks for the advice though. I think I'll opt for not mentioning it for a while and see if he comes around. If not, it looks like me, DD and the new bubs will have to go it alone.

Mybox Thu 24-Sep-09 09:02:30

What an idiot - he must think the world revolves around him if he can't pull himself together & be a grown up in his response.

sandcastles Thu 24-Sep-09 10:03:36

I hope he does come around....for babies sake.

Being a child that isn't/wasn't wanted is painful.

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