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Poss being silly but how do I tell my friend (having trouble TTC) that I'm pregnant again?

(31 Posts)
Snowtiger Mon 21-Sep-09 15:51:22

Hi all
Sorry if I'm being silly and over-thinking this one but I could do with some advice and perspective, really.
I'm 3 months pregnant with DC2, and so far have avoided seeing quite a lot of my friends since I found out I'm pg as I'm showing and don't want anyone to know until I've had my 12 week scan next week.
I'm going to a wedding in a few weeks' time and by then it'll be very obvious (not least because I won't be drinking) that I'm pregnant.
DH and I have good friends who have been TTC for 3 years - they starting trying at the same time we did for DS. I fell pregnant with DS immediately, and he's now 2. They are still TTC and having a nightmare with IVF. I've now fallen pregnant with number 2, really easily, and basically feel a bit guilty. I've been emailing my friends about other things but not mentioned I'm pregnant. When we see them at the wedding, they'll see that I am, and I'm worried they'll be upset, or hurt, or resentful.
Obviously, if they are, there's nothing I can do about that - I'd probably feel the same way in their situation because it does seem unfair that they're having such trouble and I fall pregnant at the drop of a hat.
The question is, should I say something in advance so I don't have to cause upset at a wedding? If I'm honest, I can't bear the thought of seeing them at the wedding because I'm scared of seeing their reaction. What do I do? Anything? Nothing? Tell them in advance so it's not a shock or just keep schtum and let them deal with it?
Or is it not an issue at all, and one I've just invented?! Perspectives welcome! Thanks.

mrswee Mon 21-Sep-09 16:06:51

I been in a similar situation with being pregnant now and having both friends who are TTC through IVF and thay have also lost a baby and on the other hand over the years I have also been the one TTC for 3 years while others around me had no problems.

I would say that yes it did internally upset me when ever I was told some one else's good news BUT at the same time I was happy for them as I know how much it means.
I also found it more upsetting when on a few occasions some friends obviously delayed and told others first before telling us because they didn't want to upset us, it made it feel more raw, like I was more usless and that my friends felt sorry for our inabilities.
These situations can't be avoided, it's that sad fact of the matter.

They way I handled it with my friends who are TTC and having IVF nightmare after losing a baby, was to make sure I told them myself as soon as I could start telling friends and said straight away that I just wanted them to know first hand and I totally understand that it is a bitter sweet situation for them. Its hard not to sound patronising though.

Maybe tell them before the wedding so it's not such a downer on the day for them and they have time to get used to it, then tell others at the wedding?

good luck!

Snowtiger Mon 21-Sep-09 16:21:02

Thanks mrswee, good to hear it from someone who's been there.
I think you're right - I'll tell them as soon as I've had my scan so it doesn't come as a surprise at the wedding. As you say, hard to do it without risking it sounding patronising, but I think they'd appreciate it. Hope so.
God, if there was a way I could give them an ounce of my 'getting pregnant-ability' I'd do it, no matter what it took!

TheMightyToosh Mon 21-Sep-09 16:31:53

I had two sets of friends undergoing IVF when I was pg with DD, and although I was a bit nervous about telling them, they were both fabulous about it (unlike a family member, who shall remain nameless but suffice to say, couldn't even crack a smile).

I think most friends (if they are mature, evolved beings!) realise that it isn't a baby lottery - you getting pregnant doesn't mean that they now won't becuase you have won the star prize and there are no babies left for anyone else.

I would just tell them, but don't announce it at the wedding - not to them or anyone else - as using their day to distribute your own good news might be rubbing it in a little too much.

Can you wait and tell them afterwards?

fiercebadrabbit Mon 21-Sep-09 16:43:49

Can you try and see them before the wedding? It will make the day much easier for you if the news is out and dealt with.

I was in exactly the same situation three years ago with my bf. I didn't tell anyone until three months but then made sure to meet her asap and broke the news. Face to face is better, if at all possible. I just told her and said "I know this might be a bit weird for you" or something as a preface.

She was very gracious (as was another friend ttc who heard via my aunt before I could get hold of her) - both said it made them feel more hopeful seeing how easily I could conceive. However, not everyone may be able to handle it so well and I wouldn't blame them sad

Happy to say first friend has a baby now after five goes at Ivf smile

Snowtiger Mon 21-Sep-09 17:34:17

Thanks Toosh and Rabbit for your perspective, very helpful. I can't leave it until after the wedding as they'll be there, and I can't hide it any more, I've got quite a bump now so they'll know for sure. But I'll definitely speak to them before the wedding and hope they're gracious, I'm sure they will be. Thanks again guys x

And good news about your friends Rabbit, I really hope my pals have similar luck.

Comma2 Mon 21-Sep-09 17:42:11

def tell them as soon as you can, just don't make it a big thing like "can we meet, I have something special to tell you'. that sort of doesn't help

Acanthus Mon 21-Sep-09 17:42:20

Could you tell them by email so they have time to compose themselves? You could even tell them (in nicer words, obviously) that that's why you've told them that way. And it wouldn't seem that odd if you email anyway. Then if your news makes her cry she can get it over with in private.

LouMacca Mon 21-Sep-09 18:07:15

As someone who had years of TTC and 3 attempts of IVF before falling pregnant I think just by the fact that you have posted on here shows what a lovely and senstive friend you are.

It was hard hearing other peoples good news but I was happy that my friends could get pregnant just sad that I couldn't.

Good Luck smile

Snowtiger Mon 21-Sep-09 19:59:15

Thanks everyone, and LouMacca that's very sweet of you. I really don't want to upset my friends or put them in a difficult position.
Acanthus I think that's a good idea, we email a lot anyway so I'll drop my friend an email to let her know so that she can deal with it in her own way / time.

Great advice, and much needed guidance. Thank you everyone who's taken time to post, I'm very grateful, feel a lot better about it all now.

butterscotch Mon 21-Sep-09 20:09:10

Our good friends are having issues and had been trying to TTC for 5yrs I fell pregnant immediately that we started trying, I told them before all our other friends (they live in the states) I wanted them to hear it from us not a generic email situation, they were really pleased I still felt guilty all the way through!

I'm not pregnant with DC2 also (only 8 weeks) and whilst a few close friends know (those that we have been out with and know its odd because I am not drinking!) before we tell the majority of friends I'll be telling them again. I know they will be pleased but I will still feel sad, for them, they are on they're 4th and final series of IVF, and are looking at adoption if this fails. Life is so unfair isn't it? To adopt etc.. you have hundreds of loopholes to jump though! Yet you could be a slapper go out and get pregnant! with no qualifications!

I'm not calling anyone a slapper I'm just saying how unfair it is we all know people who are struggling to conceive/going through IVF!

woowa Mon 21-Sep-09 20:27:22

Having been TTC for 4 years, and now 19+4, I can say, definitely tell them. After phone calls and emails from friends and family during that time I would go to DH and sob and sob. But I would rather they told me than not. One friend recently (just before this successful IVF pregnancy) clearly couldn't work out what to say, but fortunatley I guessed (without even seeing her, in a different country!) and asked her! I think she was relieved, and I was really pleased for her, despite the pain of not having one.

People in long-term TTC situations love their friends, but are sad about their own situations, so, of course, they'll be a mixed up bag of emotions - pain, sadness, jealousy, happiness for friends, hopefulness. Your honesty will show the greatest respect for their friendship.

MrsHappy Mon 21-Sep-09 20:34:15

I've been on both sides of this and definitely agree with the email suggestion.

When someone told me via email it was much easier to send a cheery response than it was to sound really pleased on the phone. Of course, having written the email I would cry quite a lot, but I honestly was pleased for my friends too - it was just that I would grieve for myself at the same time.

I think you are a good friend to worry about this. smile

Snowtiger Tue 22-Sep-09 08:51:01

Thanks everyone, I'm welling up just reading your posts! Really grateful for the advice and so glad I asked.
Butterscotch you're right, it does seem so unfair that some people fall so easily (or without wanting to) and that there are others who would give their right arm to have a baby but can't or find it so hard, and go through hell to get there.
Woowa, congratulations on having got there in the end! I hope your pregnancy is easy and enjoyable after everything you must've been through!

CakeBuddy Tue 22-Sep-09 09:52:39

@ SnowTiger - I think that telling your friends in advance so they can digest the idea before seeing you is a good idea. Especially in a wedding situation where there'll be lots of people playing happy families and may be a testing day for them in other ways too. I'm sure they will be delighted for you and know exactly how excited you must be and how precious a baby is.

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with DC2 and recently had to tell the news to a friend who has been TTC for nearly a year (our DD1s are the same age, so she knows she can conceive - in her words "I just don't make babies easily"). She was fantastic about it, said she thought I'd be PG before long and that she had prepared herself to hear it. She told me that we were good enough friends for her to be delighted for me but she was still a bit sad for herself, and just hoped it would happen for them soon too.

Next step will be to tell both sets of neighbours who both can't have children for different reasons, that I'm due with another bundle of joy - the second pregnancy in two years. I hope they will be as accepting.....

CakeBuddy Tue 22-Sep-09 14:13:37

Jeepers - have just got back from my 8 week scan and found that there are 3 babies in there. Now that just sounds greedy....!!

Sorry, natural response to major shock is humour, no?! hmm

woowa Tue 22-Sep-09 16:20:06

oh my goodness! Congratulations cakebuddy! And also, hope that it's going to be ok with three - sure you'll get LOTS of support!

ChoChoSan Tue 22-Sep-09 16:39:58

I would recommend telling them in advance - preferably first by telephone, so they can have a cry (not out of bitterness...it's just that you tend to reflect on your own failure to conceive when you see that others seem to do so easily). That way, they can get over it discreetly, as they won't want you to feel awkward or as if they are not happy for you.

I having been ttc for yonks, plus miscarriages, so its hard, but at the same time I really hate to think that people are avoiding telling me things...makes me feel like some tragic Oprah Winfrey show saddo!

Worst of all would be to be kept in the dark that a friend was ttc, and then suddenly find out they are pregnant...it helps to be prepared for the announcement or it can be a shock if it comes on a bad day.

DontCallMeBaby Tue 22-Sep-09 16:49:33

I'm not sure you can get it 100% right - a friend who knew I'd been TTC for some time called me and said 'I don't know how you'll feel about this, but I'm pregnant again' I told her I was delighted, of course, we had a nice chat, I told her she could keep this one but if she had a third and I didn't have one by then I'd be having hers ... then got off the phone and cried for an hour. Not because she was pregnant, but because 'I've become someone that a friend dreads telling she's pregnant'. You never quite know what will set someone off, so I think the key thing is to do it in a way that they'll be able to have that hour-long cry, if it's necessary.

Comma2 Tue 22-Sep-09 18:02:22

anything is better than my 'friend'; I told her that I had been trying for a year and how hard it was, and she acted all understanding- a week later we were over at her place for dinner and she got drunk and talked for, oh, about two hours about how she got pregnant the first try and how great it was when she looked at that positivie test....yes. AND it was newyears eve, 9 pm, ud the only guests so we bloody couldn't just leave, I just had gotten my period and was down in the dumps anyway. THAT sucked. (Next I told her about my miscarriage, stupd me, and her thoughts were that it was probably for the best). Wished I had known about this forum earlier.

Snowtiger Tue 22-Sep-09 19:34:59

Oh Comma that's awful, must have been gutting. Think your 'friend' definitely deserves to exist in inverted commas!!

Cakebuddy, I barely know what to say!! Congratulations, and my goodness, what a surprise! Hope you have lots of support, and a nice big house, er, and 3 boobs... grin

mrsmandm Wed 23-Sep-09 14:48:00

I've been on both sides and it's tough.

Just wanted to add that I told my TTC friend two weeks ago and she hasn't spoken to me since. I know how hard it is for her so trying to understanding. Not everyone takes the news well, people who are TTC can find it really lonely, I know I didn't jump for joy when some friends told me while we were TTC. Make sure you're ready for a bad reaction too and give her some space if she needs it, she might need time to come to terms with it.

Snowtiger Thu 24-Sep-09 09:53:59

Thanks Mrsmandm, that's a good point. Hopefully if my scan goes ok on Monday I can tell my friend that day, which will give us ten days before seeing each other at the wedding.
I don't expect her to be jumping for joy or anything, I just want to make it as easy as possible for her to hear the news, because she's going to find out one way or another. Hey ho, fingers crossed.

londonlottie Thu 24-Sep-09 10:24:55

Message withdrawn

TheMightyToosh Thu 24-Sep-09 12:10:43

londonlottie - I do totally understand that, and can see how hard it must be when it's been a long time and you're having no luck and going through IVF etc. But she wasn't IVF or anything, just been trying for a few months without success yet (happened v soon after). Not exactly last chance saloon, IYKWIM, so no real reason not to have been pleased for me and been able to show it even if only in a small way.

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