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Does anyones else mum not aprove of your pregnancy?

(10 Posts)
jellybean86 Mon 21-Sep-09 15:31:15

Bit of a long one but its super stressing me out!

Im 23 been with my DP who is 24 for a year and im 17+3.
Out of my mum and dad i thought my dad would flip, but my mum went mental and very nasty. She told me i was making a massive mistake, how it would ruin my life and basically told me to leave so i moved in permently with my DP and his family who lives 15miles away. (his parents are amazing and i feel like part of the family. his mum has already bought me and the baby loads of things which is lovely) Dad was calm although didnt say much.
After all the shouting from mum i thought she would calm down and be ok with it, after all im great with kids (im a nanny looking after babies!) and am in a stable relationship with a good man, have a job and am generally a good person.
Mums sister died from cancer 3 days after i told her i was preg, so i know she is very upset about this, as am i.

Since then ive rarely been home. She has hiden my post amongst other things. She rarely rings me (she did everyday previously) and now most of my contact is via my dad, who only talks about the baby sometimes.

Mum only asked 3 weeks ago when i was due. She hasnt offered to buy us anything, no support or anything. She hasnt asked about my midwife appointments, whether weve thought of any names, or how im feeling. (very low tbh). She doesnt even know ive felt the baby kick. The only thing ive asked for is to put bits and bobs in their double garage like stuff for our new home, and i get told their is no room. (and there is) Funny how that when my brother moved house with her gf dad and mum helped do their house and and had the contents of his house in the garage for months. They did everything to help them. Btw me and my brother dont get speak.

When i do go home dad is fine with me, but mum hides away in the kitchen. Its as if the pregnancy doesnt exist. Its not spoke about. When i go back i feel ashamed and like the black sheep. When she saw the 12 week scan pics she cried (not a happy cry)

My nan is very ill in hospital so i went to see her and an aunty from london was there. We had a big chat. Everyone in my large family knows im pregnant and are excited and ive had alot of support fro them, but my parents havent told anyone. So no one in my family has mentioned it to them. When my aunty rang to congratulate mum all she sed was 'yeah'.

My mum wants me to go home to have dinner with my brother to play happy families. why should i go?

It is really upseting me, i feel like im in the wrong and totally abandoned by my parents.

When my LO in born i know that she will act the doting nan. And my view is that if she doesnt bother now she can stick herself when my LO in here.

What do i do?

BarbieLovesKen Mon 21-Sep-09 15:46:43

Have you told your mum exactly what you have said here?

jellybean86 Mon 21-Sep-09 15:50:21

No i havent had the courage :-( but im going to flip soon i think!

mrswee Mon 21-Sep-09 16:20:48

Hi sorry you are having such a bad time.

May be you have to be really strong and brave and invite your mum to say go for lunch with you.
Then when you are together, really force the issue with her that you want and are having this baby, that you are very happy about it and that you want her to be able to be happy for you too. Tell her how much you miss her and need her right now.
Put that all on the table, try not to argue or jump at anything bad she says and offer to listen to how she is feeling about you, the baby and her sister's death. You don't need to answer anything she says just hear it.
You can then part ways and sit tight, don't call her for a week or so. Give her time to really think about how she has acted and for her to see how mature you are being about it all. It's a bit of game playing but it may help get things across to her and give her a nudge in the right direction. There will be something behind all this that is making her react this way and it may be more to do with her than you but it may take a push to let her realise that!

I speak from experience and years of councilling about my relationship with my mother!

good luck and congratulations!!

gingertoo Mon 21-Sep-09 16:27:46

Oh poor you.

I sympathise - I have been in the very same situation (a long time ago) with my mum.

Like Mrswee said you really need to talk to her. Be brave and honest. Tell her that you are really happy about the baby and that you want her to be happy too. Tell her that you love her and that you think she will be a brilliant Grandparent (When I finally got to the bottom of things with my mum, it turned out that she was panic stricken at the thought of being a gran!)

Good luck

Tomatefarcie Mon 21-Sep-09 20:01:30

Congratulations!

My mum wasn't happy at all. And I am 35 years old, been with the same man for near enough 10 years, and have two DDs with him already.

The news of a third pregnancy really upset her, her only reply was "oh you had more than enough with two!" sad

I have forced her to be a little involved (as opposed to not at all), but telling her the sex of the baby and about my appointments. She is used to the idea now, I think.

However, I have not asked for any help at all, never have, none has ever been given apart from a birth present. I also cannot complain to her about anything (rubbish pregnancy/ sleep deprivation after birth, stuff like that), because she is waiting for me to step out of line to tell me "Well I knew that would happen/ I did tell you you weren't going to cope" etc.

I'm used to it now.

Oh, didn't give you any advice..sorry! Just shared a summary of what happened to me, just to say you're not alone.

easylife73 Mon 21-Sep-09 21:10:45

Tried to talk to my mum yesterday about possibly having a third, as I'm really confused and can't seem to make my mind up. Just wanted her to listen and try to help me sort a few things out in my head.

She just talked over the top of me, said she didn't want to have this conversation and that she wasn't interested. Feel really hurt and spent all yesterday evening crying my eyes out. I feel like all the involvement she has had with my two DS's is a farce, and that she doesn't even care enough to talk to me about something that is improtant to me.

So I kind of know how you feel. So sorry you're having to deal with this when you are already preganant and should be getting all the support you need.

Trying4Baby1 Mon 21-Sep-09 21:16:56

Sorry, I don't have any advice but just posting to say you're not alone. I don't have a good relationship with my mum and I'm dreading telling her about the pregnancy as she doesn't know yet (I'm only 8+3 so no one knows yet except DH). It must be hard as you sound like you had a good relationship before. Don't let her get you down at least your DPs family sound nice!!

Mama2b5 Mon 21-Sep-09 21:52:03

Hi jellybean86
i dont know where to start but it will get better!
I got pregnant at 19 and was so scared to tell my mum thought she would chuck me out! so i avoided her for weeks i told my best friend who had just had her baby she told her mum who called and told my mum i never knew this! when i finally had to tell her i was 18 weeks and was showing a bit! mum had bought loads of baby clothes and stored them in her cupboard!

My mum was sooo supportive and she was my birthing partner when the father just did'nt want to know!

Im 34 now married and on my 3rd child due in Jan!

My mum passed away in march and i thought i was going to die for she was my rock! she wanted a grandson so much!
She's not around and i think about her everyday!

I don't know why your mum is acting like this but time is well to short so don't give up on her! but don't make her take this wonderful joy of being a great mum away from you, when you think back you dont want to remember the bad times!
Keep us posted on this one, i pray all works out for the good!

Cyclista Mon 21-Sep-09 22:10:11

I do really sympathise with you - but do be gentle with your Mum. It's her job to support you but as a daughter I think we have a responisbility to support our Mums too. She's just lost her sister, it sounds like her Mum is very poorly...she's probably a bit of an emotional wreck and doesn't know if she's coming or going. This news should bring her lots of joy, so just hang in there and continue to love her unreservedly in the way you'll love your baby. It'll work out.

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