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ummm sex advice please if its ok

(39 Posts)
iateallthecreameggsyummy Mon 14-Sep-09 10:52:58

Ok need some advice please anyone on how to handle my dh.

We are currently 21 weeks pregnant and dh will not come near me as he is afraid of hurting the baby. He is afraid to go near my boobs incase of leakage etc etc.
In the meantime my sex drive is higher than it has ever been and its causing a few tense discussions.

I have tried explaining to him that i may be pregnant but i am still a woman and he says he just sees me as a mum right now and it puts him of!

Have any of you managed to have a succesful sex life during pregnancy or is this it? I resign myself to no action for the next 4 months?? How have your DH handled it all?? I know my DH is not the first to worry.

I have deliberatly not name changed as im not embarrassed about my situation im sure im not the first pregnant woman with this problem! smile

by the way communication is not an issue with dh and i we have been together many years just need some suggestions.


Scorps Mon 14-Sep-09 10:57:47

Your DH cannot hurt the baby, baby is very safe in there, even with girl on top posistions, baby will be fine. Lots of men worry. My DH is weird and finds pregnant women more 'horny' than non-pg women hmm grin (I am 25 weesk with dc4)

It's unlikely your breasts will be leaking yet anyway, but you could keep a bra on, even if just a see through flimsy thing?

If he really doesn't want sex, you could play with each other - fingers, mouthes, all have their uses grin

If seeing bump freaks him out, try spooning of from behind, kneeling up.

iateallthecreameggsyummy Mon 14-Sep-09 11:02:26

i keep telling him that scorps baby is very well protected in there!

I told him this morning maybe he could look up a site for men in the same position as him for advice man-man iykwim. Is there any forums i could direct him to??

I talked to him this morning about how frustrated i felt and that i needed some attention, its not like he is going without!

Maybe if i introduce a ban for him it might work grin

We have always had a pretty healthy good sex life up till now so this problem is very new to me. He feels that most men just have sex with thier partners when they are pregnant because they need to and not because they want to! Wish my dh saw pregnant woman as 'horney' grin

Scorps Mon 14-Sep-09 11:05:14

Do you have a MW appt soon, he could come with you and you could ask MW together? Then he will see grin

Honestly, the baby will even enjoy the hormones you get from sex too, the bonding and the closeness. Orgasm will not hurt the baby/cause early labour/or anything. Sometimes your tummy will stay hard after or you may get engorged down there for a bit, but nothing to worry about.

He sounds like he will listen to you at least, just keep trying or get him drunk grin

Firsttimer7259 Mon 14-Sep-09 11:07:52

In solidarity I wont namechange either. Same problem, we managed to have sex this weekend and could barely contain myself from dancing around the bedroom to celebrate the end of the drought.

I dont know how you solve this,I cant find a way of talking about this with my husband without the ice getting very thin. I find it hard not to get upset or angry with him. Neither of whcih helps in my opinion. The problem I found is if start fighting about it then there is an extra reason why your arent having sex...

Scorps advice all sounds good. I went for sayng clearly that I found it hard but then leaving him to it and trying not to let it impact on my self esteem etc.

iateallthecreameggsyummy Mon 14-Sep-09 11:08:56

not sure when next midwife appointment is i will give them a bell today. He knows logically its a mental block i think.

I've told him baby will be fine and orgasms are meant to be good for the baby something to do with endorphines (or am i wrong??)

Love the idea of getting him drunk does not take much now im not drinking! he rarely has drinks in the house --scuttles of to hatch a plan--

grin thanks scorps, in the meantime does anyone have any man sites for men feeling like him just so he could read when im at work maybe?? Not porn lmao an advise site!! smile

iateallthecreameggsyummy Mon 14-Sep-09 11:11:20

Yayy firsttimer well done!! at least someones getting it grin

Id be dancing around to im sure. I think your right having your say then leaving it up to him, perhaps our chat this morning might give him something to think about.

How far gone are you out of interest? This drought has so far lasted 21 weeks! well ok maybe 18 lol. still far to long. smile

Mamazon Mon 14-Sep-09 11:12:07

remind him you'll be a mum forever more so if he ever wants sex again he'll need to either divorce you or getover it.

Scorps Mon 14-Sep-09 11:12:30

No, thats right about endorphines.

Just don't take it personally - some men feel very virile, proud after making their wives pg and want to continue sex, others have a mental block and cannot forget the third perosn i nthe room iyswim. It's not you, at all.

Sorry i don't know of sites, but maybe a book? The Blokes guide to Pregnancy seems good.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana Mon 14-Sep-09 11:13:58

Being afraid of hurting the baby and not being attracted to you during pregnancy are two different issues. You can talk til you're blue in the face about how there's a good couple of inches of tightly closed and plugged cervix, membranes and the sac of fluid to protect the baby from his invading manhood, but if he just isn't attracted to pregnant women and finds the whole thing squeamish then I'm not sure what you can do about it!

Is this your first baby together or has he been like this before?

I would definitely try being less available for oral etc - why should he get all the pleasure and you get nothing? he has hands, doesn't he? hmm and like you said, being a bit sex deprived might get him to overcome his reservations.

iateallthecreameggsyummy Mon 14-Sep-09 11:14:31

good point mama.

I will google a bit when i get home, not posting and dashing got podiatrist appointment but please post any advice/suggestions will check back in couple of hours thankyou to al your help so far!!

Mamazon Mon 14-Sep-09 11:28:57

tell him you want sex. when he says "no i might hurt the baby" look him dead in the eye and say "im sorry to tell you this dalring but you really aren't that big"

ErikaMaye Mon 14-Sep-09 11:41:39

Its an ego thing, isn't it? They all honestly think that they are that well endowed... Bless them grin

I had this problem with DP. And for what its worth * whispers * my boob DID leak on him blush He hardly noticed.

I second the get him drunk suggestion it does work grin Seriously though, the fact that DP was so concerned about hurting me or baby, I read as rejection, and it caused a couple of hormonal break downs and floods of tears. He was fine until I developed SPD - also the incident where baby kicked him while we were "at it" might have something to do with it hmm.

Anyway (sorry, am rambling, aren't I??) what I said to DP was along the lines of, "Okay, I understand your concerns, but these are the scientific facts telling you its perfectly safe. They wouldn't produce books on sex in pregnancy if it was dangerous! Why don't we just relax and mess around for a bit and see how things go..?"

Once they've done it once, they'll be doing it again. And again. And again. grin

Firsttimer7259 Mon 14-Sep-09 12:01:51

I am 20 weeks, and no sex since BFP at 4 weeks. Moving things onto neutral ground at least helped me. I wasnt sniffling about feeling ugly cos he doesnt fancy me. But instead going around feeling lovely and fruitful...Desparation is never a good look.

Not sure we are out of the woods but oping he has gotten over his inhibitions wink

Firsttimer7259 Mon 14-Sep-09 12:26:26

I guess the main thing is that your partner probably does not want to hurt you but also doesnt want to have sex which is hurtful. My thinking was to make it clear that I find it hurtful and let him sort it from there. But when we agued about it we both got defensive and it made sorting it out more difficult.

iateallthecreameggsyummy Mon 14-Sep-09 14:07:48

mamazon that really made me laugh!!

You have all made some very good comments its definately good to know im not the only one suffering! smile

Drinks tonight for him me thinks grin

notjustapuppymum Mon 14-Sep-09 15:05:03

Our sex life hasn't changed and I'm now 33 weeks pregnant. My partner says he finds me very sexy when pregnant and loves my pregnancy body - sorry that's not very helpful to any of you but just showing that not every bloke is like this!

Hopeful2 Mon 14-Sep-09 17:14:47

Well this is where I change things a little - it is not my DP who doesn't want sex, it is me! Although I am just as in to sex as I was before I am also very scared. I am now 32 weeks pg & we have not had sex since I found out I was pg at 8 weeks, yes that's right ladies blush. I lost my 1st baby & it was after sex that I bled & so for some reason, even though I know for sure sex doesn't hurt baby, I just cannot bring myself to do it this time round. It's a mental block thing - don't want to have come this far to then have sex & then something happen. Crazy huh..I must say though my DP has been very good about it & understands my reasons but we are both very frustrated currently as u can imagen.
I just wanted to share my story as it is not always the men

notjustapuppymum Mon 14-Sep-09 17:33:01

Poor you hopeful2 - I can totally understand why you feel like that though.
Could you not try it now you're 32 weeks though as baby is pretty safe even if born this early now...

Labella77 Mon 14-Sep-09 18:47:36

I was the most randy person on the face of the planet up till about 6 weeks ago, my poor hubandido did not know what hit him, he at one point thought i was abusing him!!!

Sadly now i can barely walk let along open my legs, we tried it the other day and as it had been so long it was rather a let down, and bastard painful/uncomfortable.

38 weeks now so unlikely to get any more in for a good year or 2 wink.

Hopefully your partner will come round to the idea, as sex during pregnancy i have found is marvellous, feels wonderful, all that extra blood flowing through the right places.

iateallthecreameggsyummy Tue 15-Sep-09 08:06:36

aww hopeful i can totally understand why you would feel like that!

Labella i think he will come round to the idea! I am pla nning on working on it bit at a time i know he knows how i feel.

LoveBeingAMummy Tue 15-Sep-09 08:11:12

I had the same problem, nothing would change his mind (except to get her out that is), it just wasn't right for him. In the end I did stop 'nagging' because if it were the other way round everyone would be slagging the man off.

ReneRusso Tue 15-Sep-09 14:23:24

Hi iate. I'm not getting any either wink but I don't really feel like it tbh. I think things might change when we get a scan next week if we can see everything's ok.

memorylapse Tue 15-Sep-09 15:44:58

im only 6 weeks pregnant so with my awful hyperemesis dh can forget it!..however with the last two..he wouldnt touch me once I had a bump..and admitted that he did not find attractive during the later stages..however I cant say I blame him..I looked like a whale!

baby1onway Tue 22-Sep-09 19:07:28

hi, im 38weeks pregnant & feelin bit rubbish!slightly sick, really tired with a temp of 39.5..even 40.1 this mornin.which is quite high i think?now ive become obsessed with checkin my temp since weve not long bought the thermometer!! ( 1st baby as u can probs tell!!) anyone else feel the same??dont wanna ring midwife, feel bit silly, also like im wastin their time coz im not really sure wot my symptoms are? any advice wud b great

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