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DH having very negative reaction to unplanned pregnancy.

(31 Posts)
HappyButWorried Thu 10-Sep-09 09:22:45

I have recently discovered I am pregnant with DC4. It was not planned, but I am thrilled. DH, on the other hand, really really does not want another child.

He was always adamant that he wanted 3 dcs, and has been muttering about a vasectomy for a while now. But in the meantime this has happened. I was not so sure, open to more dcs but also could accept we would stop after dc3. I have had 3 c-sections so have some concerns about another but deep down I think I always wanted another and was so happy when I found out about this baby.

But DH seems so angry, won't talk to me about it and just seems to have shut himself off. I'm so worried we are going to have huge problems in our relationship because of this, and that he won't accept this child. I haven't told anyone I am pregnant, and I feel that although I really want this child our relationship could really suffer because we are not on the same page about it.

I would really like to hear from any of you who have had a similar experience.

Thanks.

elmofan Thu 10-Sep-09 09:47:46

hi happybutworried , first of all congratulations smile .
could it be that your dh is just in shock & maybe if you give him some time he might come round to the idea of another baby ? after all it takes two to conceive a baby you didn't get pregnant on purpose to spite him . as for the c-section i have had 2 myself & while i was in having dc2 there was a lady in the ward with me that was on her 6th c-section shock & she was fine .
i think you will just need to take things really easy afterwards .

HappyButWorried Thu 10-Sep-09 10:05:22

Thanks for your kind words elmofan. I hope you're right about DH coming round to the idea. I'm trying to be patient with him but it's hard as when I was pregnant with the other 3 we were both so excited and talked about it all the time. I know he will just get on with it in the end but he seems so resntful at the moment. Our baby deserves 2 parents who want him or her. My DH knows I wanted another child but he was so so sure he didn't. We have argued about it a few times in the past and I have got upset about it so he know how much I wanted this. But you're right, I didn't trick him into this or anything, it just happened. There are many reasons he doesn't want any more - our age, risk of problems, cost etc - and although I can see logically wherehe is coming from my instinct is that this baby is a good thing for me. I'm just worried it won't be a good thing for me and DH, of the whole family for that matter.

elmofan Thu 10-Sep-09 10:38:19

oh happybutworried you seem so upset sad
i feel annoyed at your dh on your behalf .
will there be a big age gap between this baby & your youngest dc?
i personally would be looking at this pregnancy as a surprise gift smile but i can fully understand where you are coming from , but again if your dh knew he did not want any more dc's then he should have had his vasectomy after dc3 , would you still have any of your other dc's cots or prams hidden away in the attic (that's where all out rubbish keepsakes get thrown) blush

HappyButWorried Thu 10-Sep-09 13:28:33

My youngest will be 4 when this one is born, so not that big a gap. DH had his "plan" that we would still be young-ish when they are all grown up and he's annoyed that this has changed things I suppose.

After we had dc3 DH said he didn't want any more but I kind of hoped he would change his mind, however recently I've started to try and accept that he wouldn't change his mind and that vasectomy might be the best option.

We just moved house so as part of the "moving on" thing (literally and figuratively) I got rid of all the baby stuff. We have nothing except a few tiny clothes dd2 uses for her dolls! But that doesn't bother me really, I don't think babies need half the stuff you think you need with the first one. And I feel we're already at the stage with 3 dcs where you need quite a big car, 2 hotel rooms etc, so one more can't make that much difference....can it? (DH says it would make a massive difference).

He still won't talk about it - when I try to bring it up he changes the subject or leaves the room.

elmofan Thu 10-Sep-09 13:44:31

im sorry happybutworried but imo he is being very childish & unfair about this pregnancy , it seems like he is blaming you for this pregnancy & he is taking no responsibility whatsoever himself . send him over to me ill give him a reality check for you grin
i agree if you already have 3 dc's i don't think 1 more will make a huge difference & your youngest child is only going on 4 so a nice age gap imo smile
its true what they say " NEW HOUSE NEW BABY" we have had a dc in each house we moved to & now we are thinking of moving again aaaggghhh
he will face to face up to this baby sooner or later but im sad for you that he is not being supportive ,

HappyButWorried Thu 10-Sep-09 14:31:49

Thanks again elmofan.

Yes to me everything is great about this apart from DH's reaction. He has plenty of time to come round to the idea I know, but I can't help worrying. I think because he didn't want this maybe he does blame me a bit, knowing how much i wanted it. I'm sure it's not a conscious thing if he does. TBH I don't really know exctly what he's thinking - he just seems to be burying his head at the moment. I'm hoping that if I give him time to think he'll start to talk to me.

Thank goodness for MN - I can't talk to DH and no-one else knows!

Good Luck for your next baby in your new house!!

Anyone got a cot/pram/highchair to sell?!

QTPie Thu 10-Sep-09 15:05:11

Oh dear sad

Many congratulations smile

Reading between the lines (and trying to think how men think), I would guess that your DH feels trapped. He may or may not (consciously or sub-consciously) this that you somehow engineered this. It sounds, to me, like a "happy accident of nature", but if he was really against it (and you were really for another child) then it may not feel like it right now... It may make him question his trust in you and your relationship together (men are funny things!).

Don't be too hard on him... many people (even women) don't like being pushed into something completely against their will (and being given no choice in the matter). Yes it takes two to conceive a baby, but accidents to happen (no matter how much procaution you take, even a visectomy...).

Men don't like change and - even for them - a new arrival is likely to be a huge change to their routine/life again (at least for a while). It isn't just physical, it is emotional too. I have had my work cut out trying to pursuade DH to have even one (he has never been completely anti-children, just that "now is not a good time" or "our lives will end when we have them" - he is 37 and I am 35, so we daredn't wait much longer! wink ).

Sounds like he does need a little space and time to get used to the idea, but you DO REALLY need to talk it all through... obviously things cannot go on as they are now... Maybe give him a few days - or a week - before revisiting the subject.

Other than that, so you have a best friend/sister that you can confidently confide in? Sounds like you really need someone to talk your feelings through with? Obviously, though, it would be bad if it got back to your husband that you were talking to someone else about it...

Very good luck - sounds like a VERY difficult situation.

QT

ErikaMaye Thu 10-Sep-09 15:54:13

May I be totally honest? Your DH is being really selfish and childish. You've been blessed with another child, and that is a fantastic thing.

Okay, practical advice! Unplanned pregnancies can be good. This is only my first, but was totally unexpected, and possibly the most unplanned pregnancy in the history of unplanned pregnancy grin I'll be honest. My DP originally asked me to get a termination, and I refused. Now, we're both anxiously yet excitedly awaiting the arrival of our son in nine and a half weeks time. Children now weren't in either of our plans - I was planning on going to uni, and he was quite content with the way everything was going for him work-wise. Neither of us would change it now. The first time he saw the baby on the screen at the scan, he got this amazed look on his face, and since then, it hasn't left.

Every time he gets kicked now, he grins, and says, "That was my son!" Its the sweetest thing.

I really hope that your DH comes round. I just wanted to share with you my own experience of an unplanned pregnancy to show that they can come round - they're odd creatures, these men wink

(If you're serious about the pram, we have a spare travel system here in lovely condition - I was given it but then fell in love with one from the Friday Ad! - that you're welcome to!)

Congratulations. There are so many people here to help you at any point along the way - I couldn't have got through the past seven months without Mumsnet!!

Zola78 Thu 10-Sep-09 17:14:20

I was exactly the same situation back in march. I am 35 weeks pregnant with my fourt child and all I can say is give it time. My husband was very upset about this pregnancy and wouldn't talk about it to anyone but now is excited still apprehensive but excited.

They worry alot about the money and how another chld will your relationship (i.e the marriage) and himself. It's alot to take on even when you want a baby sometimes even harder when it's unexpected.

elmofan Thu 10-Sep-09 17:30:48

sorry happybutworried had to dash off to do the school run & shopping smile
are you feeling any better this afternoon ?
no more babies for us in the new house - we both feel two dc's is enough smile
is there any way you could get a babysitter & go out with your dh & talk maybe go for a meal or something just to get out of the house ? i really do think he just needs time to accept that a new baby is on the way & hopefully once the shock wears off he will be pleased ... my dh father felt the same when his wife announced she was pregnant with my now dh , he was adamant that they only have 5 kids & dh was the 6th , but he soon came around .
please look after yourself x x

PanicMode Thu 10-Sep-09 18:14:18

I have the opposite problem - we have just found out that we are having a VERY unplanned number 4, and although DH's first question was "are we keeping it?", (which threw me a bit as I'm Catholic, so he knew the answer before he asked the qu), he's moved through the anger stage, through the disbelief into being accepting and starting to be excited. I on the other hand, burst into tears on the doctor this morning and am going to have some pre-pregnancy counselling because I owe it to this baby, and to our other three, to have my head in the right place before he/she arrives. I did NOT want another baby, and DH is booked in for a vasectomy in October (and has been for some time.....) so I am really struggling with the whole idea of another baby.

Is counselling something that your DH would consider?

Congratulations - and I hope that you can both work together to be happy when the baby arrives!!

KT101 Thu 10-Sep-09 21:28:23

I am 32 weeks pregnant with my first child which was completely unplanned. My partner was shocked and horrified - as was I I have to say. We discussed all the options but I knew straight off that I would keep the baby. It took my partner weeks to get his head around it during which time he was withdrawn, moody and said some terrible things - like 'this could put so much pressure on our relationship it may not last' ... no emotional blackmail there then. However he got over it an is now more excited than I am. Obviously I don't know your DH but men are different to women and they often retreat into silence to get their head around things perhaps give him some time

HappyButWorried Fri 11-Sep-09 05:26:54

Once again thanks for all the lovely messages of support and for sharing your experiences. Sorry for late reply - I was out last night with mums from school. There were a few questions to fend off about why I was on the orange juice!

ErikaMaye - so pleased to hear you and your dh are excited about your baby! And thanks for offer of pram - was only sort of serious about it as forgot to say we don't live in UK which makes it a bit tricky....

PanicMode, best of luck with the counselling. I think it's great of you to do that for your baby.

I'm going to give DH a few days and try really hard not to bring up the subject of the baby. We'll be out with the kids a lot over the weekend so will be busy anyway. I'm hoping that he's going over it all in his own head - he tends to do that, doesn't seem to need to talk things through so much the way I do. So hopefully he's processing it all and coming to terms with it.

I don't really have anyone to talk to where I live as we just moved abroad so don't know anyone that well yet. Don't want to tell family and friends in UK until me and DH have sorted out our feelings between us.

Thanks again.

LadyTeasmaid Fri 11-Sep-09 19:28:15

Hey Happybutworried,

Firstly congrats on your lovely news. Secondly, if you hubby still wants to vasectomy I'm offering my services *waves kitchen knife*. angry

Joking aside, yes he is being very unreasonable. You have this beautiful new life growing inside you and he's reverting to the role of the soon to be fourth child through his huffs!

He's prob just trying to work it out in his own head though. You are lucky to be physically carrying that little baba inside you, we women get 9 months of baby bonding before the little darling arrives, men don't. Plus they're mysterious creatures our men, I dare say in a week or so he'll be fine.

Perhaps he's worried about his role as "typical man", feels it's his duty to provide for four children? Worried about college fees? Mortgage? You sound like a loving, happy family who are having a wee bit of a tough time. I'm sure once he's opened up to you, you will be very responsive to his worries and you'll both be ready to welcome your new arrival into the world.

Much love.

bubble1 Fri 11-Sep-09 20:07:27

I notice that the majority of replies to your dilemma are positive and on your side, so to speak. But I have to add a note of caution.
When I found out I was pregnant with my third child I was gutted ( no more, no more), but I knew that this was something that could be "sorted out" I know that sounds awful but it took me a very long time to accept being a mother to my first child, and, to be honest, I only agreed to have a second child because everybody kept telling me how unfair I was being on my son by not giving him a sibling and making him grow up lonely.!
So, anyway, when I told my hushand that I was pregnant with number three, I totally believed that he would agree with me that a termination was necessary.
God was I in for a shock. He asked me why I didn't want this baby, I said I couldn't cope with another one after my two previous bouts of PND. He then said "you can't murder it just because it wasn't planned".
I went on to have that third baby. I refused to tell anyone apart from my mum that I was pregnant again. I refused to buy any baby stuff. I even refused to choose a name...my husband had to choose one and registered the birth himself...alone.
You see, when my husband totally walked all over my feelings the day I told him I was pregnant, when he put my mental welfare to the back of the queue, all feelings of trust, respect and affection died. I died that day. When the baby was born he was the spitting image of me, but he wasn't mine. I refused to hold him and told the midwife to give him to his father. He is his father's son, I am basically his carer.
He is eighteen months old now and I still do not feel that he is mine...I don't think I ever will. Forcing, coercing, persuading, whatever you call it, into going through with a pregnancy does kill marriages. It has certainly killed mine...I would never confide my feelings to my husband ever again. He doesn't even know that I am on antidepressants. I wouldn't trust him to support me through this.
Anyway, my advice to you is be careful that your decision does not end up ruining a perfectly happy marriage with the children that you both chose to have TOGETHER.

HappyButWorried Sat 12-Sep-09 06:05:11

Bubble I'm so sorry, what a sad story. What you said does help me to see things more from DH's point of view. But neither of us would consider termination - I know that for sure - so we are going to have to work with the situation as it is.

LadyTeasmaid, thanks, I really hope you are right.

Well the "giving him a few days" idea all went to pot last night. The kids were watching TV after dinner and DH came and asked me if I was ok. So, I explained (quite briefly I think!) that I was finding it hard that I felt I couldn't talk to him about the pg etc. He didn't say much but he said he needed some space to get used to the idea. Fine, good, I said. But then he said he felt like I had "set up" the situation. I find this quite upsetting. I have been very open with him about wanting another dc but I didn't trick him into this, it just happened because we were both a bit careless.

Today he's being fine, not grumpy or anything, but still "not mentioning the war".

elmofan Sat 12-Sep-09 09:24:03

good morning ladies smile
oh bubble1 sad is there any way you & your dh could get counselling ? what a terrible position you where put in ,
happybutworried , at least you know your dh is thinking things through , try not to mention the baby for a few days let him bring the subject up if you can , try & enjoy the weekend with dh& your dc's & i really have my fingers crossed for you that with any luck after this weekend he might have come round to the idea of this pregnancy .
x x

posieparker Sat 12-Sep-09 09:40:35

HBW, that was me a couple of years ago. DCs were 5,4, and 1 and I found out I was pg. We weren't being careful enough (although I hadn't finished having dcs TBH) DH was happy we had two boys and a girl. I have had four sections now....
So DH got used to the idea the more real it became, familiar feelings to those he'd had before with other pgs. Things like a 12week OSCAR (involving a scan) really helped.

WE're now parents of four and love it.

Section wise, it was the easiest and I had a senior registrar who whipped dc4 out in 57 seconds!!

posieparker Sat 12-Sep-09 09:45:05

Bubble, I think you owe it to yourself and child (who will be able to feel your lack of bond and could lead to lasting damage and attachment issues) to get some serious help, not just ads. The fact that you still feel apart from him is really frightening.

It is not your child's fault that he wasn't the right time and the guilt of not bonding must be killing you. It is possible to get past this but you must act soon.

bumpsoon Sat 12-Sep-09 15:03:08

I am in a similar situation to you ,my DH reacted very badly when i told him i was pregnant .He refused to speak to me at all for about an hour and spent the next 5 months making sarcastic commnets until it all came to head on holiday ,when i basically told him a few home truths ,like how he knew how much i wanted this baby and that what did he seriousley expect to happen if he had unprotected sex for a year (knowingly). I told him that his attitude was damaging me and our unborn child and that if he continued he would have to move out and i would do it on my own sad. Now one month on i wish he would stop with the bloody bump stroking grin. Yes your DH is being selfish and unfair and unkind ,yes it is a shock to him and his best laid plans ,BUT you should only put up with it for so long before he needs reminding that he is an adult .My heart goes out to you ,im sure he will come round ,but i know its tough coping in the meantime .

bronze Sat 12-Sep-09 15:14:31

My last was completely unplanned. So was my third but that wasn't so bad. I wanted more, he didn't but as someone else said you feel blessed so you accept that you can't make them...then
DHs first reaction was that he wanted me to abort. Lots of miserable heartwrenching arguing I ended up saying me with the baby or no me because I would not abort. Deep down I think he knew this as he always knew my views on such things. I honestly think that he wasn't cut out to deal with his emotions. He was scared (I understand why- pg history) he was worried what his parents would say as well as money and various other things and rather than think through it like I did to find a way through he backed off.
Luckily for me he loves us too much and dc4 is now 5 months old. Hes a really chilled and contented baby so dh whos not good with cryers has been much more hands on. I was scared that everytime he cried or said I was tired he would through it at me but he hasn't.

I don't know why I've said all this. Probably to show there is hope andd people can adjust. Maybe men just need more time

My only down side (apart from the arguing at the beginning was that I was scared to talk to him about my pregnancy, didn't want to get excited or whinge about anything in case of his reaction. I really should have given him a bit more credit.

bronze Sat 12-Sep-09 15:16:07

*throw it at me

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sat 12-Sep-09 16:25:53

Unless you had a contraception failure then he must have known there was going to be a chance of a baby.

bumpsoon Sat 12-Sep-09 19:52:57

Good point Fab ,point out to him that he had three options if he really didnt want another child
1. vasectomy - if he paid on a credit card ,could of gone private and had it done super quick
2. condoms ,doubled up for extra measure
3. abstinence wink

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