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Can being extremely upset alot when pregnant be harmful to your baby?

(30 Posts)
BarbieLovesKen Thu 03-Sep-09 10:45:39

Im almost 20 weeks and myself and dh are going through a very difficult patch.

I found out he cheated on me at 9 weeks pregnant and have been pretty much very upset since.

We've been fighting alot , both our faults, I will admit completely to being very very arguementative, bitchy, hard work, overly emotional and all round just plain difficult.

The arguements get very very bad and usually end up with me crying, I dont mean a few tears - its gone to my uncontrollable sobbing, shaking, finding it difficult to breath and panicing. My dh is unaffected by this, doesnt attempt to stop it and shouts alot.

I dont want to talk about the relationship but basically want to know what effect this is having on my unborn baby?

Im completely wracked with guilt about this all going on when Im pregnant and my main concern at the moment is the baby.

Common sense tells me that this all is having an obvious negative efffect on baby but I'm looking for some hard factual information that I can also pass on to dh in the hopes that some of this will stop. I hope Im wrong (that it is having no effect) and would happily be proven so..

Thank you so much for reading and for any help you could offer us x

cyteen Thu 03-Sep-09 10:48:37

Really sorry to hear you're having such a crap time

Have no hard evidence to give you, but I can tell you that I got pregnant at the very end of the worst year of my life (brother died horribly after two years of dreadful illness). I was understandably all over the place for a lot of my pregnancy and worried a lot about it. DS was fine and is the most cheery little thing you can imagine

Toppy Thu 03-Sep-09 11:05:41

Ahh - you poor poor thing. I won't comment on your marriage (but being argumentative, bitchy, hard work, overly emotional and all round just plain difficult sounds fair enough) and will just let you know that during my first pregnancy I got an unfair written warning at work just after telling them I was pregnant (18 weeks ish). It sent me into a flat spin and I sobbed every night and felt constant adrenalin coursing round my system which was so bad I went to check with the GP whether it could affect the baby.
He was lovely - he told me that however hard it is to get pg (took us a while) it is even harder to do anything that can harm them. Babies are designed to cling on in there. Your baby and your body are doing their own thing to help your baby develop and grow without you having much input so please please rest assured and don't feel guilty.
I used to think about all those poor pregnant women in less developed countries living under horrific circumstances who still go on to give birth to healthy babies. Life finds a way.
Look after yourself. Try and get out and go for some long walks. A GP friend of mine who worked at the Priory says that this is good for the soul and helps you work things out in your head and stops the walls closing in.
Good luck

BarbieLovesKen Thu 03-Sep-09 11:42:23

Thanks a million to you both for lovely answers - feel a bit better. x

Cyteen - so sorry to hear about your brother. sad

maybebaby23 Thu 03-Sep-09 11:43:53

Sorry to hear what you are going through during your pregnancy. Sounds awful, you don't need this guilt on top of all that. I agree with the other responses. I think our babies are stronger than we think in there.

If it helps to share experiences, during my pregnancy with DD1 i was 12 weeks pregnant when a close relative, (my little cousin age 6) was murdered horrifically (cant spell that) so you can imagine the stress and crying i went through at that time. Then just 8 weeks after that my aunt suddenly passed away. 2 funerals and many many tears later, my beautiful DD was born and she is perfect

Im now 23 weeks pregnant and just before i became pregnant my dad passed away. I have been very up and down during this pregnancy too.

Im sure your little one will be absolutely fine, and i hope things settle down for you very soon. Good luck.

LadyStealthPolarBear Thu 03-Sep-09 11:49:44

So sorry to hear this
A friend of mine lost her dad when she was newly pregnant. As you can imagine she was upset / emotional etc for most of the rest of her pregnancy - her baby is fine
OTOH it isn't good for your own emotional state - can you agree that when you feel yourself getting drawn into an argument that you'll spend half an hour apart? Maybe not the best method but I suppose what I mean is you need to find some ways to cope with the way things are.

BarbieLovesKen Thu 03-Sep-09 11:50:10

Oh God maybebaby - I feel awful for even complaining now after reading what you've been through. I'm terribly sorry to hear about your losses, thank you so much for posting. x

BarbieLovesKen Thu 03-Sep-09 11:52:48

LadyStealthPolarBear - I know its not great for myself - Im very very down at the minute to be honest and hate being this way. I'm down even when we're not arguing but was worrying about crying/ shouting as I read baby can hear now - I probably sound ridiculous.

maybebaby23 Thu 03-Sep-09 11:53:24

no dont feel awful for complaining! I didn't mean for you to feel like your problem isn't important just that i have been upset like that and all was well..hope you are ok.

BarbieLovesKen Thu 03-Sep-09 11:55:35

Your so lovely maybebaby - thanks a million x

jasmeeen Thu 03-Sep-09 11:58:58

Hi, whilst I don't think it is good for you to be upset all the time but babies are resilient.

With DS2 my husband was diagnosed with cancer and had to undergo chemotherapy. I was also having difficulties at work. I was very stressed, tired and upset a lot and DS2 turned out just fine. He's a very upbeat and happy little boy and always has been. In fact we joke that he can't be our child as he is so cheerful and DH and I can be quite gloomy!

So please don't worry about the effect you are having on the baby, it is only an extra unnecessary burden you are placing on yourself.

LuluMaman Thu 03-Sep-09 11:59:49

i doubt it will have a permanent bad effect on your baby. however babies do get stress hormones in the womb,that is true.

your DH needs to thikn about the baby you are carrying when he is shouting and yelling

and you do too!

it might be a good idea to get some ocuples counselling and find different ways to work through this

it might be a good idea to concentrate at least once a day on simply relaxing, thinking good thoughts and being positive and doing a visualisation.

that is a good thing to do , regardless of being pregnant, but find some quiet time daily to connect with your baby and nurture yourself

i remember your thread about your H and am sorry things are so awful

kitstwins Thu 03-Sep-09 12:00:50

I'm sorry you're having a wretched time but please don't worry about harming the baby. The idea of not getting overemotional as "you might harm the baby" is a bit of a Victorian one and stress and upset won't cause any problems. You'll feel lousy (and I'm not surprised you do - you have every right to after what you've been going through) but the baby won't be bothered.

As people have pointed out on here, pregnancies seem remarkably untouched by times of even the greatest stress and it's worth remembering that children have been conceived and carried through wars. I cried every day for the last few weeks of my pregnancy (in hospital on bedrest due to constant bleeding from praevia) - massive sobbing jags that went on for hours as I struggled with it all. My twins were born in perfect health and are now the happiest, funniest and most contented three year olds. Your baby will be absolutely fine so please concentrate on yourself. Are you getting emotional help and support at the moment? It might be worth posting on the relationships forum if you haven't already as there will be lots of people who'll be able to give you some really good advice and support about how best to get through this rather wretched patch you're going through.

minxofmancunia Thu 03-Sep-09 12:02:50

you don't sound awful Barbielovesken, it's perectly understandable to be concerned. I had an extremely stressful pg with dd, she's nearly 3 now and fine.

I'm currently full term with number 2 and can empathise with your situation. My dh is a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde character, me being pg seems to bring out the worst in him because of stress I think. We've had some of our worst rows ever and I believe he's been emotionally cruel and abusive this time round. I've cried hysterically for hours through the night whilst he snores in the next room, does nothing to appease me. We've just moved house and I've been doing an MSc as well as working (and work have been nasty too, typical NHS, treat their employees like s**t) and I'm wrung out. Horrible nightmares and a few panic attacks.

I do beleive babies are resilient but you need to be ok too. It's a scary vulnerable time being pg and it makes me angry that men choose this time to behave like spoilt children. I hope you can get some peace and support during your last few weeks. Just console yourself that the baby will more than likely be fine smile.

Scorps Thu 03-Sep-09 12:07:27

Thanks for asking this - I'm 23 weeks and my h crated on me at 15 weeks. I have been so upset too and am so worried about my little dd.

I just try to eat as well as I can an spend some time each day stroking her, feeling her move etc.

LadyStealthPolarBear Thu 03-Sep-09 12:15:55

You don't sound ridiculous at all. The fact that you're concerned about the effect on the baby shows what a good mum you are though.
Can you talk to your DH about your worries when you're not arguing and together come up with a way of dealing with it?

LadyStealthPolarBear Thu 03-Sep-09 12:16:43

Scorps sorry to hear this has happened to you as well Are you still together?

Scorps Thu 03-Sep-09 12:29:00

Yes, still together, I'm trying very hard and he is trying harder. However my DH is anxious i don't get upset, because of the baby.

I too have worried all baby hears is me being upset sad

LadyStealthPolarBear Thu 03-Sep-09 12:33:01

Well it sounds as though the baby also hears you talking to her, stroking her etc. I can't imagine how hard it must be

KatyS36 Thu 03-Sep-09 12:33:38

Thank you so much for your stories everyone.

My pregnancy problems have been minor in comparison, but I too have worried about this and am now feeling much more relaxed.

Scorps Thu 03-Sep-09 12:34:35

Hopefully she does know that i love her and hopefully she knows i do take that time.

Just wanted Barbie to know that she isn't alone in this horrid mess sad

BarbieLovesKen Thu 03-Sep-09 12:35:48

I'm sorry I cant reply to everyone individually but do really appreciate all the replies and am taking advice on board.

minxofmancunia I am really sorry that you are going through this but am shocked at how similiar our stories are - I really could have written that whole post myself, even down to the fact I too work in the Health Service (Irish)

Pregnancy really does seem to bring our worst in him too, even though he is generally quite "fiesty" anyway - maybe I just notice more when pregnant as a little more sensitive - I dont know. He wasnt very nice to me during pregnancy with dd (3.11) either, promised he wouldnt do that again, had MC in Feb this year so I was sure hed be a bit kinder this time round.

Anyway, I too believe (and have said to him) that he is actually being abusive - like you, I've sobbed my heart out and he'd carry on watching tv, laughing out loud at something funny that comes up. I find it very difficult to understand how anyone can do this to be honest.

I am sorry, I do understand and I hope your ok.

scorps - Im sorry to hear your going through the same - have you been arguing too or still very upset about cheating?

LadyStealthPolarBear - thank you. We have tried, we talk and talk but its not making any difference. Even when we're "friends" he doesnt take much responsibility for his actions, i.e. that I completely rise him to it, am too hard work, basically should be over cheating by now etc..

BarbieLovesKen Thu 03-Sep-09 12:38:26

Katy am glad thread has been of benefit to you too - everyone really has been so helpful.

Scorps thank you. At least your dh has the intelligance and cares enough to be anxious about upsetting you - God knows he has upset you enough. Im glad to hear that little bit at least.

Scorps Thu 03-Sep-09 12:48:12

Barbie - we haven't had arguements about it; he is very regretful and tbh, i think he has scared himself shitless. I too had a mc in Feb this year, and got pg straight away. The whole time i was pregnant, desperate to keep this baby in there, he was out with a teenage girl sad

I'm trying to move on; god knows he wants to, but this is the 2nd time i know of, and im not sure if he ever will be different.

MamaLazarou Thu 03-Sep-09 19:01:26

Sending you an enormous, hug, BarbieLovesKen.

I had a rotten time of it in my first trimester (in fact, looking back I think I was properly depressed).

Every time you worry about your baby, send it some loving thoughts. He/she will be fine, and it is evident from your concern that you will be a wonderful mother.

Your partner sounds very unsupportive and I hope things improve for you.

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