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Very Confused - Can Anyone Help - Please ??!!

(15 Posts)
GiPi1 Thu 27-Aug-09 23:25:07

Have just found out am pregnant. I am 40 and have 2 lovely children ages 7 and 5, from my marriage which broke down 3 years ago. Met a lovely man 10 months ago, who has no children but said he always wanted them. However we split a couple of times because he found that he was unsure whether he was "ready" for a "ready-made" family. We split up "for good" 2 weeks ago and I found out I was pregnant 2 days later. blush I have told him and he is over the moon - although very scared (understandably) but is very positive (he is 47). He has sort of picked up where he left off as if we never split up at all, and this is where my dilemma is. I feel that he is back because I am pregnant with his baby and not back because he wants to be with me and my children. How can such a relationship work - I do not think that I feel the same way about him as I did and I am very very confused as to whether I continue with this pregnancy or not. sad I cannot honestly see our relationship lasting - and if it did, how can I trust that he will accept my children long term and treat them in the same way he will his own child. I am already a single mum with 2 children whom I absolutely adore. I know that I would love this baby just as much but do I bring it into the world almost knowing that it is unlikely I will be with his/her father. What effect will this have on my 2 older children ie when they go off with their dad for the weekend, holidays etc and have to leave their sibling behind - and what effect would that have on their baby brother or sister too? I am not yet divorced from my current childrens father and I have just got a puppy - my "current" partner has 2 dogs too - he suggested that I did not get the puppy but I promised my children a dog and we have been to see her and I just cannot let them down with regard to the puppy. I really really do not know what to do for the best - please please can you try to advise me on which way to go here. Thanks so much.

pinkteddy Thu 27-Aug-09 23:38:29

I think you are probably right to be concerned about him accepting your children long term especially when he has his own child. He has already said he doesn't know if he's ready for a ready made family as you said.

But that alone is not a reason to not go ahead with the pregnancy, it may be a reason not to be with him. If he was completely out of the picture how would you feel about keeping the baby?

Limara Thu 27-Aug-09 23:38:58

Doesn't sound good to me as you even said
''I cannot honestly see our relationship lasting '' ....

I think that if you were more positive about him, you would be more positive about the 'possible' problems ie him accepting your children and the holidays with the sibling left behind.

Sound like you need to talk some more.

Limara Thu 27-Aug-09 23:45:37

Can I just say, when its late in the evening,its really easy to feel alone with a problem. Sometimes, you just need to be kind to yourself and tell yourself your going to think about the situation in the daylight hours. Try to meet up with him and talk to him. This might be the kick up the backside he needed to have children, no one knows him like you do but talk talk talk..

GiPi1 Fri 28-Aug-09 10:45:17

Thanks for the advice so far - I have talked to him and he is spending a few nights here with me and my children. I have told him my concern is that he is here because i am pregnant and not for me, and he says he is aware of that but the pregnancy has forced his hand into making a decision about taking on a ready made family and the reason he finished it before was so that he wouldn't have to make that decision !!!!???
Already he has stated that he wants me to have baby in a private hospital (because of MRSA etc!!) and I have said no and that I want to have the baby in the hospital that I had my other 2 so that I will have the same consultant (they were both emergency sections so I will have to have CS this time too). This morning he has upset me because he asked me what I did for 6 hours yesterday whilst my daughter was at home with her little friend - he said the house was a mess and what had I done with my time ?? just played all day (was his question!) ?? We don't even live together yet and he is questionning me already and I am worried that this will continue or escalate as he will feel he has a right because I am carrying his baby - I am getting even more confused and have been in tears this morning over it all sad

meemarsgotabrandnewbump Fri 28-Aug-09 10:58:54

Oh, GiPi1 I really feel for you having to make a decision about having a child on top of whether to carry on with a relationship sad

To be honest, it doesn't look ideal. He is clearly back because you are having his child and it sounds like he likes the idea of this more than the reality. He doesn't sound particularly supportive of you or your children.

It sounds like you know in your heart that this relationship was/is over and trying to patch it up with this new baby could lead to heartache for you all.

All I can suggest is to really talk to him again. Get him to be as honest as he can about why he wants this baby. Be honest with him. Tell him you won't stand for him questioning and controlling you, and that that your childrens happiness is equally important to that of this new baby.

Please let him see that the rekindling of this relationship cannot be about the new baby, but is about all of you.

If it seems like he can't accept that, then this relationship wont work.

Good luck x

Mimile Fri 28-Aug-09 10:59:35

Oh dear hope your littles ones will put back a smile on your face.
I am not sure how "aware" your partner is about the difficulties of household running, but he doesn't seem too supportive considering you must be shattered with raging hormones at the moment. Ultimately, you know you will have to make a decision regarding the two of you as a couple. It might be his first baby but you are the one carrying it, and you come with 2 other little kids too. And you deserve to be happy in your love life as well as a mother.
What do your kids think about him? Do they see him as a potential step-dad?

SadCatlady Fri 28-Aug-09 11:21:20

That's a really tough one.

I would be very worried about this man laying down the law already where to have the baby and about how you spend your time and what you have achieved. You don't even live together yet.

IME this type of controlling behaviour only gets worse as if he feels he can do it now, he won't have a change of personality later (at least not without a LOT of firm boundary setting by you, which is exhausting, with no guarantee of working).

You're only newly pg, so your hormones and head will be all over the place. You have at least a few weeks to decide what to do. Give it time and listen to what the strongest instinct is telling you, try and think hard about any downsides and think about what you can live with. Good luck x

eightisseventoomany Fri 28-Aug-09 12:02:21

Not sure if this would help or not ??

But I already had a young child (age 2) when I met my curent partner.

He was almost in his 40's and had gone through his life enjoying being "young, free & single".
He never thought he would ever want children.

He knew I had a child as soon as we met....and he felt akward, because he'd never been around children.
so the thought of becoming "daddy" to someone elses child was a lot to take on board!!

Afetr some months, we were in a very strong relationship....he loved me and "accepted" my son & me as a family.

It wasnt until some 5 years together that I felt secure enough to have more children with him...he'd been faithful & loving without faultering in all that time.
we have been together 15 years now...and now he has 3 boys with me also...and we are expecting even more.
Having his own children has brought a new sparkle into his life.....he adores & dotes on his children (noone ever thought this man would even become a daddy!!)

My oldest son is now in his teenage years....& my partner still feels "akward" disciplining him..etc...but he is always kind to him & honest...never leaves him out or makes him feel different.
we make decisions together regarding his future, pocket money etc etc...

If your partner "accepts" your children....treats them kindly (theres always going to be a slight difference to how he treats his own) as it must be hard adjusting to someones elses children....esp if their dad is still very much in their lives...(my ex wasnt)
but I would think this man loves you...and will undoubtedly love his child too....
and he will , as the years pass, come to have strong paternal feelings towards your children no doubt.

I personally think that every man deserves a chance to try...

you cant expect him to just take on a family...it takes a few years to adjust to life as a dad to other ppl's children...
after some years...he will become comfortable...and you will be a family unit...
when your other children are taken out by their dad...make the effort to take your child out too on the same day....so noone is ever left behind

you will know in your heart if he is sincere about being a family & trying....

If you find he ever does let you down....you are strong enough to cope....you've done it before & you can do it again.

but I think he was initially overwhelmed by the enormity of being a single man...to a family...so soon...

If you love him....and he loves you.....you should try.....and dont let doubts get in the way.....

give it time.....talk together regarding concerns & worries....never brush issues under the carpet.....if you always talk & listen to each other.....then you'll never have pent up emotions that could potentially cause problems....

hope my opinion helps x

eightisseventoomany Fri 28-Aug-09 12:28:48

PS...regarding the "asking what you did all day"

this is quite a "controlling" question...hmm

A man who loves you...shouldnt be controlling...!!

If he does question your time...then being honest....
ie...I was taking it easy...as Im pregnant & dont want to put too much stress on my body at this initial stage of pregnancy" should be enough to make most men think...

Shes looking after both the children & unborn child very well then.

If you find he asks a few too many controlling questions....this could be the sign of a possessive man ...

My ex was controlling.....started with simple things like this......then "what clothes were suitable for me to wear when answering the door" " then "why did it take sooo long to get to the shop & back "etc etc...

my reply would always be honest....but he would get angry...or argue about my reply ...
NOT GOOD ...
this became a very bad relationship over a short space of time (1 year)....and moved on to become a violent relationship...as I tried to keep him happy...he got more domineering!!!
Beware of the signs of a possessive man !!!

My current partner has never "questioned" me in a bad way...

He comes home to a tip of a house (quite a lot these days!!)

and he jests......what you been doing my dear......computerising all day??
to which I reply...no I climbed mount everest actually...lol..at least thats how it feels being pregnant whilst looking after children all day !!!

He accepts being pg is hard work anyways....

your current partner should also understand this too !!!

GiPi1 Fri 28-Aug-09 13:29:06

I have just told him that he upset me this morning and I feel unhappy that he has questionned me. His reply was "does that mean the house is going to be untidy all the time? I thought that when you had time to yourself you would be able to keep the house tidy" I replied "but I don;t have time to myself as the children are on hol from school, and when the baby is born I won't have ANY time to myself" His reply was "well other people manage what is different? It seems that I am having to make lots of comprises here, but am not going to have a say" I was getting annoyed now and replied "I have not asked you to give up anything at all, and I am also making a lot of comprises" shock angry !! I am just getting more confused as the day goes on but if I ask him for some space he will take it the wrong way and say that I am pushing him away !! sad

eightisseventoomany Fri 28-Aug-09 14:42:11

Sounds like your all getting a little frought today...
maybe need to switch off for tonight & enjoy a drink/takeaway/treat & watch a film together?? forget the days events....??
this could spiral out of control if everyone is too tense to talk about it..

asking for space is never a good word to use...
open to all kinds of misinterpretations...

best to say what you mean...ie...
need half hour upstairs to relax from kids....
need to get some fresh air & take a walk.......etc. etc.
if your feeling emotional...(hugely to do with hormones as well !!) tell him so....
he should be supportive.....you wont be pregnant forever !!!

...houses with children are often messy !!!
he should go round a few ppl's houses who have 3+ kids !!! and enquire just how messy kids can be !!! although he will probably see for himself !!!

If this gets too emotional/ heated today....I would go round a friends house or relative...& take the kids too....
& tell him your giving him some relaxing time for a while...to read paper or watch some sport...whatever he fancies
then at least he gets some time to calm down & you get to talk things through with someone who will offer a supportive ear??

GiPi1 Sat 29-Aug-09 11:13:58

Hi mumsylady and everyone else and thanks for the support and advice.

Unfortunately it all came to a bit of a head last night and he left and I don't think he is coming back !!! He said that he could not live with my house being untidy and that they children should have just one toy out at a time and then put it away - I thought fair enough but it can't always work like that - but then he said that the children should really play in their own bedrooms and ALL of their toys should be kept in them - they can bring one toy down at a time !! He then said that I needed to change my attitude and I tried to explain that maybe my hormones were all over the place and making me a bit snappy etc, but he cut me short telling me not to give him that, it has nothing to do with it and to take a good hard look at myself and went onto to say, again, his friends all manage so why can't I ? etc etc. So anyway he has gone - just hope I can do this on my own !! Thanks again everyone - bye for now.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump Sat 29-Aug-09 11:51:28

hi GiPi1, sorry to hear things have gone so badly.

He does sound totally unreasonable though, and in some ways it's better that you have realised this now before you suffer any further.

It almost sounds like he was looking for an excuse to get away - if he can give up so easily on you because of untidy house, then he is not worth having as a partner.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do about your pregnancy. I hope you have some good support in RL x

eightisseventoomany Sat 29-Aug-09 12:24:26

Absolutely agree with Meemars

he sounds a very unreasonable man !!!

So sorry your having to go through such a difficult ordeal

If you are to have his child....and he lives nearby.....make sure that he doesnt think he can walk in & out of your life as & when it suits him though...

He may think (when baby is born) he can have a huge say in what goes on in your life....because its his baby !

wouldnt surprise me if he's totally unreasonable when this baby is born too !!

We are are here as a listening ear if you need to talk...


I hope you have good support from friends & family xx

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