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I need some honest opinions on this...

(24 Posts)
odearyme Wed 26-Aug-09 23:21:33

I have thought for some years now about being a surrogate mother. I am fit and healthy and would love to be able to help a couple who couldn't have children.

I have done a little bit of research, and found out it is standard to be given money to cover the various costs related to pregnancy.

Would it be wrong to consider doing this if one the factors would be to use the money to finish my degree that I started two years ago, and have not been able to finish due to financial dificulties?

mrsboogie Wed 26-Aug-09 23:42:48

It isn't wrong to use the money for that purpose but not a good idea to do it for the money. Your only motive should be wanting to give someone a baby for the sheer altruism of it. Even then you may find it hard.

Do you have any kids of your own? You would have a much better idea of what you were undertaking if you did have one of your own first.

odearyme Thu 27-Aug-09 08:13:01

Yes, I have two of my own, and definitely don't want any more. It's something I've always thought about, before i was in a must stronger financial position and hadn't really considered money.

wheniwishuponastar Thu 27-Aug-09 08:18:57

sounds like you want to do it - what is worrying you?

wheredidiputmyfone Thu 27-Aug-09 09:05:11

Not beating around the bush, and this is only my opinion, but isn't having a baby and giving it to someone else because you are having financial difficulties finishing your degree selling your baby?

You've said you'd like to help someone else have a child, but there are other ways to help people, and other ways of raising cash to finish a degree that don't involve the possible psychological problems to you or your other two children.

sunburntats Thu 27-Aug-09 09:08:25

is it donor egg and sperm? Nothing of your own dna as such?
(sorry, i know nothing about this)
so you would be like an oven for someone elses baby?

luckylady74 Thu 27-Aug-09 09:20:12

I would do this for a close friend/relative if it wasn't genetically mine - so their egg too. Having had ivf |I know the process too so I'd have my eyes open.
However, if it's your egg and one of your motivations is financial then it is akin to selling your baby and I'm not sure how you'd get past that? If it was your egg and you were doing it for your sister for example then you'd know in your heart your reasons were moral.
Did you watch the programme on recently about surrogates - really really traumatic for the birth mothers- gut renching stuff.
People have sold their babies for time immemorial and you'd be blessing a family with an amazing thing, but how do you live with it?Wouldn't the maternal guilt eat you from the inside out?

weegiemum Thu 27-Aug-09 09:22:45

I believe you are not allowed to do it for financial gain, only get the money to cover expenses eg maternity clothes, travel to appointments etc.

I could never do it.

MrsBadger Thu 27-Aug-09 09:23:54

the money is only meant to cover your costs eg travel expenses
you will not make a profit from it

in fact as far as I am aware in the UK it is actually illegal to make a profit from doing this

BarbieLovesKen Thu 27-Aug-09 09:29:08

Hi, presumably you would need to use the money, as you have said to cover the various costs related to pregnancy? I mean, I presume you wouldnt have any left to do a degree, make sense?

luckylady74 Thu 27-Aug-09 09:29:28

You wouldn't make a profit, but it's enough to cover living expenses while you study.

fiziwizzle Thu 27-Aug-09 09:50:57

You would be doing an amazing thing for a couple. I don't see why they shouldn't do something for you in return, i.e. help towards the cost of your degree.

odearyme Thu 27-Aug-09 09:54:56

Fiz, thats sort of how I was looking at it, I know even in my own mind I'm fighting with the moral dilema. It would be an embryo which was completely not mine, so no issues of giving away "my" baby.

It was something I always was thinking of doing anyway, but when I had a career etc. Thats taken longer than I thought, so just an idea going around my head. I can see myself not finishing degree for years, and then I'd be too old anyway for surrogacy.

daisyj Thu 27-Aug-09 09:55:59

I'm quite surprised at talk of 'selling your baby' - I certainly wouldn't see it this way, whether or not it was your egg. I don't know anything about the logistics of surrogacy, but if there was money involved that more than covered just the basic costs and you could use it to finish your degree, I personally wouldn't have a morality issue with it (the emotional issues are another matter, of course). Agree with fiziwizzle.

wheredidiputmyfone Thu 27-Aug-09 10:15:48

Looking to make a profit from giving egg/baby to someone else can't be anything else but selling it.

If the OP was doing it out of the goodness of their heart and really to help someone else out, why look to see what they're going to get out of the transaction ie the degree?

KatyS36 Thu 27-Aug-09 11:35:26

It sounds like an amazing thing to do for someone, adn I don't see any problem with the money being an incentive.

I'd have a look into what costs are covered and how they would help you.

If the costs are purely travel, maternity clothes etc then it might not help you out much. If they covered living costs whilst pregnant and this helped you get your degree as well then everyone wins.

I wouldn't in any way want to underplay the emotional side, but as you say you definatly don't want more children, and you would only use donor egg / sperm you seem to have considered this.

You sounds like a lovely generous person who has thought this through. I personally can't see any problem with using your body as the oven to help you get something you want, a degree. For what it's worth I don't consider that my massuse is 'selling her body'. Yes, it's obviously more emotive but I can't see anything wrong with you logic.

odearyme Thu 27-Aug-09 12:00:17

I do agree it could be seen as sellinga baby, but the baby would be in no way mine, I would just carry it for someone else unable to have one.

I know i need to finish my degree to give myself and my children the life I'd always planned, and I thought it might be a win win situation.

I have researched for a number of years, and am very aware of all the emotional aspects.

MrsBadger Thu 27-Aug-09 12:46:25

so how much money do you get?

and do you not have to submit expense claims etc to prove it was used to cover costs?

"No more than reasonable expenses must have been paid, unless authorised by the court. What constitutes reasonable expenses depends on the facts of each particular case and although in practice the courts have shown a reasonably broad-brush approach, great care needs to be taken."

MrsBadger Thu 27-Aug-09 12:48:23

"Expenses can include travel, maternity clothes and loss of earnings."

can you not get a job? or a loan? or finish your degree part time?

MummyDragon Thu 27-Aug-09 14:06:50

Are you earning at the moment? Coz if you're not, how would you justify claiming for "loss of earnings"? Wouldn't it be difficult to prove that you would have been earning if you hadn't gone ahead with the surrogacy?

Do it only if the money has absolutely nothing to do with your decision. I can appreciate where you're coming from re finishing your degree and making a better future for your kids, but no, no, NO. How will you explain to them that you had another baby and gave it away in order to provide for their future? Don't you think that this would cause them all sorts of pain and heartache? Not to mention how you might feel if you actually did it.

odearyme Thu 27-Aug-09 15:38:39

I dont't see how explaining having a baby for people who couldn't would cause hearache to my boys, only if I put that sort of spin on it.

I understand the impact it would have on me, I started looking into it about five years ago, when a close friend was struggling to concieve and I was considering making the offer to her then. Luckily, she went on to have a baby anyway.

KateMess Thu 27-Aug-09 16:21:10

Odeary, are you planning on using your own eggs? Or having a fertilized egg implanted in your womb?

I think it's a wonderful thing to do, and good for you if you decide to do it. You've obviously thought about it for a long time and looked at it from different angles.

You might also consider egg donation (depending on your age - under 35 I think).

Don't give yourself a guilt trip about the money - you've every right to be compensated for what you do. You can only be paid your costs though (although what you agree with the parents privately is your own affair I imagine) and the child will be yours until they adopt it (whether you use your own eggs or not) - so consider what you would do if they decided they didn't want it (if it wasn't 'perfect' enough for them, for example?).

MummyDragon Thu 27-Aug-09 18:02:28

Maybe your boys would feel sad/angry/guilty that you'd given away their sibling in order to provide for them? Sorry, but you did say in your OP that you wanted honesty ..

deo357 Fri 30-Oct-09 14:34:37

dear odearyme,

i think that if its is something you want to do, for whatever reason, that is up to you, you do not have to convince anyone else why you are doing it.

if i was in your position i reckon i would consider it, but now im in the position of wanting more children and not being able to have anymore and doctor said my womb is too thin and would rupture.

sometimes i wonder why cant i be like other women and have children as i choose??

you have a gift...use it xx

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