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pregnant and feeling fed up

(22 Posts)
SanAndreas Wed 19-Aug-09 08:26:44

I know everyone feels hormonal in pregnancy but this time(its my third) im thoroughly pissed off.

My dp who is a decent bloke just doesnt show any interest. Never mentions it even though it was planned and i feel as though he couldnt give a monkey's to be honest.

I see other blokes who are up their partners/ wives arses when they are pregnant and although i wouldnt want this, a bit of fuss would be nice.

An old mate of dp's has just had a baby and you should see the fuss. I hate to sound bitter but they have only been together 5 minutes and we have been together yrs

I hate to sound jealous and ungrateful but i cant help it. His family arent much better to be honest and dote on a child he had with a previous partner who is now a teenager. I think by the time i came along and had my babies they had all lost interest.

It is making me feel very spiteful and bitter and i am making(stupid) little plans in my head to puposefully not mention my pregnancy and exclude them all when i have the baby.

Has anyone else got a dh/dp/ family too who couldnt give a shit

SanAndreas Wed 19-Aug-09 08:49:12

Anyone offer me any sympathies?1

RFCMummy Wed 19-Aug-09 09:29:14

I know how you feel. Our third is much wanted but unplanned and if ever I complain about how I am feeling I just get 'I have no sympathy as you wanted a 3rd child'.

Now whenever he has a sporting injury I say 'I have no sympathy as you chose to take part!!!'

don't be too hard on yourself, it's very normal to feel fed up and want some attention and they should be giving it!!

xxx

SanAndreas Wed 19-Aug-09 09:40:06

My dp said that, the other day, about "Well you wanted a third"
I just feel jealous of attention that other women seem to get

mumsiebumsie Wed 19-Aug-09 09:58:52

I think that with the 3rd child, the "wow factor" for other people has slightly worn off. They just expect you to get on with it not understanding that for you every pregnancy is a new experience. Unfortunately though I think that that's just the way it is

Pinkjenny Wed 19-Aug-09 10:10:34

I understand exactly what you mean. This is only my second pg, and no one is remotely interested in listening to me complain pandering to my needs.

SanAndreas Wed 19-Aug-09 10:24:11

Im not a fussy person who generally likes much attention but this is really getting me down. It would be nice if i was asked how i felt or even if dp would sit and maybe discuss names or offer to sort the nursery but he is acting like im not even pregnant!!

Final straw was the weekend his family talking about the christening that they went to, seem to have forgot that im pregant!! Why is a strangers christening so interesting especially when its some bird who has got herself pregnant after a couple of months. Sorry i know thats nasty.

Pinkjenny Wed 19-Aug-09 10:26:08

Oh you poor thing. My favourite is when I'm tired and someone (usually my mum) says, "Why?"

Erm... let me think. Perhaps the fact that I've got a boisterous two year old, and oh, I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SanAndreas Wed 19-Aug-09 10:34:44

Yes ive got a 2 yr old as well and i work almost full time, everyone seems to think its no more than i should do.

Like i said i dont want loads of fuss but it would be nice if dp mentioned the pregnancy or what we are going to call the baby or have i bought anything(he wouldnt know what i have or havent bought!). Yet i know for a fact it was a big deal when his previous partner had their baby all those yrs ago, they made such a big fuss and he actually cried when his ds was born(not done that with any of ours).

I feel like by the time it has come round to me and my pregnancies, its a case of 'been there, done that'

Roomfor2 Wed 19-Aug-09 10:49:51

Are you quite early - have you had a scan yet? For me with DC2, it wasn't until the scan that either of us started to get remotely excited. DH keeps accidentally bringing me coffee (I know, nice that he made the effort, but coffee makes me want to hurl and I keep telling him that!) and offered me wine several times in the first few weeks, as he kept forgetting I was pregnant!

Now I've had a scan and am showing a bit, it is more real, but definitely no where near as exciting as with DC1. I haven't even opened a pregnancy book yet and with DC1 I was reading it everyday!

So I can imagine that by #3, it would sort of become a bit run of the mill, and I'd be expected to just get on with it. It's nothing personal. Just remember that for you, it is still amazing because you are biologically experiencing it, but to everyone else, pregnancy is a means to an end. I'm sure it will be different as you get further along/after you give birth.

SanAndreas Wed 19-Aug-09 10:57:14

Im 25 wks so obviously noticeably pregnant.

I agree thats its more run of the mill which each pregnancy. I hardly have time to think about it myself! With my first i was reading up on each stage of pregnancy, this time i havent done that at all.

Its more my dp and his family's reaction to every pregnancy ive had. I just get the impression that after he had his first with his ex, nothing could quite match up to that and by this time, his fourth no one gives a shit.

I feel like i missed out right from my first pregnancy with the excitement and build up and even the labour as he had done it all before.

To be honest looking back in hindsight, altough i love him and im happy i wish id never got involved with a bloke who already had a child as you always feel second best.

Roomfor2 Wed 19-Aug-09 11:07:12

Aw, see what you mean. Well, I think it is just an unfortunate situation. If the child with the ex was their first grandchild etc, it is inevitable that they will be particularly excited then and perhaps less so with subsequent ones. I shouldn't think it means they love them any less, just that there is less novelty.

Probably something you just have to live with. Presumably your family are more focused on your DCs so I would just write DP's family's attitude off to unfortunate circumstances.

Shame though - they could make more of an effort to be fair to all of the children, but some people are just not that thoughtful sad

Miia Wed 19-Aug-09 11:11:35

Have you actually discussed your feelings with him?

Men are sometimes a little clueless and you really need to spell things out for them to get it. My other half who is otherwise v. supportive was quite moody at the beginning when I felt nauseous and tired as our life just changed all the sudden, it took him until the 12 week scan to realise properly what was happening. Similarly, I had to spell out that I did not want to hear comments in the style of 'monster belly' or big bum etc - already feeling unattractive enough when your body is changing and you are losing your previously flat stomach.

SanAndreas Wed 19-Aug-09 12:54:48

Yes miia i have told him on numerous occasions how i feel. Thinks im ridiculous and that im imagining it etc.

Anr roomfor2, yes i do think the novelty has worn off(though they would probably say i was mental) and i suppose its just a price i have to pay. My own parents are dead and i have a sister who is very interested and the same goes for my friends/work colleagues, its dp and his family.

Think me and my dc's will always live in the shadow of his ex and son.

I know its my own fault really. I knew the score when i met him. Just thought id be able to deal with it better.

Would help if dp were different, then wouldnt care if his family werent interested

SanAndreas Wed 19-Aug-09 12:56:25

I probably didnt feel this bad with my first as i had my own mother and it was her first grandchild but really family wise i only have my sister

Miia Wed 19-Aug-09 14:26:33

Sorry to hear that - sounds like he is not getting it. It's a shame though as you need support regardless whether it is your first, second or third child. Are things otherwise good in the relationship?

TakeLovingChances Wed 19-Aug-09 14:57:30

My DH and I planned this baby - I am 12 weeks pg with first child - DH and I are very happy and feeling pleased with ourselves grin

It will be 1st grandchild on either side. My parents are OVER THE MOON, fussing about, talking about plans for the future etc. DHs parents are a different matter, they could not give a toss, and my MIL is openly ignoring anything anyone says to do with babies at all.

It's really getting me down. I know this is our baby and that's a great thing, but I just want to grab her and shake some feeling into her!!!!

I know I've changed the thread a wee bit, cuz you were talking about DPs not being fussed, but I just wanted to get this off my chest! angry

idreamofbeanie Wed 19-Aug-09 16:18:13

Hi, I don't know whether this helps or applies to your situation but I am pregnant with my first LO and had been feeling a little sorry for myself as no-one seemed to be making a fuss. To be fair DP is quite excited about the baby when he does mention it (not often) but he never asks how I am and has just carried on making plans for us to go out/do things without considering the fact that I am tired and finding it harder to get about (I am almost 35 weeks pregnant). Even my mum never asks how I am or anything about the pregnancy although she fussed over my SIL when she was pregnant with their first GC last year.

Then my gran came to visit last week and she said she had asked my mum how I was and she had said "fine but to be honest I wouldn't know even if she was struggling a bit as she is so independent and hates being fussed at she never complains anyway, she just gets on with things". I mentioned it to DP and he looked surprised I hadn't realised that and pointed out how much I usually hate being fussed over or having anyone suggesting I might not be up to things/able to manage so it just doesn't occur to people I might want a bit of TLC during pregnancy. I have just been carrying on as usual and haven't mentioned I might want a bit more attention (and I have been quite moody about having to slow down these days). I realised SIL is a bit more 'delicate' and is quite open about feeling crappy and much more likely to just say she doesn't think she can manage.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a ramble but maybe it's less that people aren't interested and more that you come across as very capable and not needing/wanting any extra care. As far as the choosing names/nursery decorations go DP isn't interested either - he has no idea what we do/don't have. That's just him, he doesn't look far ahead (e.g. he doesn't look forward to hols and usually doesn't even know where we are going until we arrive at the airport although he loves the hols when they start).

idreamofbeanie Wed 19-Aug-09 16:21:56

TLC - sorry your MIL isn't interested but please try to ignore her and just enjoy your parents excitement. Look on the bright side - my MIL is a total pain and I wish she was a bit less interested but instead she is obsessed with giving us loads of 'advice' and disparaging every decision we make from having a homebirth to the name and including almost everything we have bought so far. Can't wait for her first visit after the birth hmm.

LauraKB Wed 19-Aug-09 16:43:38

TLC, I am in exactly the same situation as you. My MIL was exactly the same because she STRONGLY disapproved due to the fact OH and I aren't married (not that's she's religious or anything).

She and FIL called my OH in for a talking to (without me), although what they were hoping to acheive I don't know cos it was a bit late by then!

Thankfully (for OH's sake) they appear to be coming round now, but I find that I'm still very resentful of how she behaved which OH is not very pleased about.

I decided (although its easier said than done) that it was no skin off my nose if they weren't interested as am lucky in that I have lots of other support around me. It does make things hard though, esp as I could see how much their attitude was hurting OH.

Good Luck, x.

SanAndreas Wed 19-Aug-09 16:47:41

Chances,

im sorry your MIL is like that but you know what, i think they are not so interested when it isnt their daughter pregnant.

Beanie, my dp sounds like yours. He never gets excited about anything, Xmas, holidays etc which really frustrates me as im the opposite- super excited!

He still does his own thing too even though im pregant. Not going out but playing sport etc. WE DO generally ahve a good relationship though and he is affectionate.

I think you have a point in people thinking im quite capable and dont like a fuss. Thats very true of me and if fact MIL has made a sort of sarky comment about this before. Her daughter(dp's sister) hasnt got kids, but my God, if she did wouldnt we know about it. She would make an incredible fuss.

TakeLovingChances Wed 19-Aug-09 16:47:50

idreamofbeanie - we told MIL 4 weeks ago that we were expecting. She responded to the news by just saying that she didn't think ultrasounds were a good idea (she thinks they damage a child's speech). Then she said that it was a big change coming to us in our lives. Didn't say congrats or hug us or anything.

Also, she doesn't like anyone refering to the baby as her grandchild, but calls her DH 'granda' etc.

Didn't want to look at 12 week scan when SIL showed it to her.

And pretty much either goes silent or changes the topic when our baby is mentioned.

We don't live near them (around 1 hour drive) and she hasn't even so much as phoned since we told her the news!

Cow.

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