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ambivalent about pregnancy

(7 Posts)
MACKAT Fri 14-Aug-09 17:10:17

posted last night about this, but was hijacking oters threads.
Am married, 2DC aged 5 and 2 and all well - we are super busy and often DH and I do not really get time to talk, we both work (me part time).
Unexpectedly pregnant.
In shock. Feel stupid that it has happened. I never really sasid a def no to a third child, DH had never said no but it was not something we had discussed, but he says he assumed we were stopping at 2.
He is supportive and won't force me to do anything. But I don't know what I want. Life will be even busier and hectic with 3. We barely seem to have time with 2. Money would be tighter but manageable. My career would be screwed. But I am a contrary girl who often on bad days at work daydreams about maternity leave and was wishing not at work this summer as would make the childacre so much easier. But now I have it I am not sure I want to take the opportunity. We are out of nappies and buggies. They stay at Grandma's sometimes. Sadly we have never really taken up teh opportunities that affoirds us. But the prospect of another 3 years of nappies and buggies and all of that is scary. These reasons are all selfish and shallow. I know that so please don't flame me for it. I am trying to be honest.
But when I think of the child we might have, and think of families I know with 3 I think why couldn't we be happy. I also have a great fear that if I were to terminate I would cast a great shadow over all our lives - because I am not sure I could ever forgive myself for being so selfish.
I'd welcome any thoughtful or constructive comments to help me see different perspectives or things I've missed. Thanks

Oxymoronic Fri 14-Aug-09 18:28:15

I'm just expecting my second in Jan, and DD1 will be nine by then, and I'm having exactly the same thoughts as you.

DD is so much more independant now, she's goes to after school clubs, plays at friends, I can drop her off at the school gates (I hate going into the crowds grin), and now I'm going to have to start all over again.

I'm over the moon to be having another LO (all those toes/soft hair to kiss!) but that doesn't stop me thinking of the life I'll be losing. I'm two courses into an OU masters degree, and it's great stretching my brain again, I don't begrudge stopping it while I look after LO, but it's still scary.

You sound like you're on the fence, and have so much going for you, and if you let yourself it'd be easy for you to sit back and enjoy it? If you're early on in preg could it be the hormones kicking in? Just look at what they do to teenagers grin

Good luck with whatever you decide smile

MACKAT Fri 14-Aug-09 20:23:34

Thanks for replying. It is just the stepping back in time, and seeing friends move on, and i feel shallow for saying it. I am totally on the fence. It could also still be the shock - only found out on Wednesday. Think will leave a week and see how we feel. Am seeing friends who have 3 at a wedding next week so that might help. Def think too soon to rush - the people at the clinic were very reassuring about it being early days. I've posted elsewhere recently in a more emotional state. May just wait now and talk more with husband. Thanks again. I'm going to tag this or whatever so I can find again. If anyone else has any thing to help please do add.

ladyofshallots Fri 14-Aug-09 20:39:13

I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with dc 3 in Feb. Had just agreed to go back to work full time and was saving to buy a house as we are in a tiny rented 2 bed with 2 girls. We seriously thought about terminating the pregnancy, but I couldn't go through with it. I cancelled my second appointment at the clinic.

Our baby boy (after 2 dds) is due in Oct and after a long period of adjustment where I did feel very ambivalent, I am delighted about the new baby. All the things we thought might be a problem seem to have worked out ok, I'm still buying a house (we're hoping to complete before baby comes) and although I was dreading telling work, that has been ok too.

I think things have a way of working out and I knew that to go through with a termination I would have to be 100% sure of my decision.

mogend77 Fri 14-Aug-09 20:54:00

Quit with the shallow comments! You're punishing yourself for something that's utterly, 100% natural. I know people who have planned their pregnancies who fear all this stuff! There is nothing remotely shallow in what you are saying. You are just thinking this through carefully - which is basically being a responsible adult.

You definitely need to give yourself a little time to see if you grow into the situation. This is not a time for rushed decisions. But FGS go a bit easier on yourself! It's hard enough having those feelings to deal with without blaming yourself for them.

MACKAT Sat 15-Aug-09 21:54:22

Thanks. Bizarrely we have just had the best Saturday as a family we have had in ages and ages as, as part of the "what are we going to do" conversation, we discussed how rarely we speak and how horrible we can be to each other. So today we were being nice - how we used to be I guess. So if nothing else we may have put our marriage a bit back on track.
The work thing is a concern, am reassured that it worked out for Lady below (I think I read some post of yours Lady on this topic)Weird how I was jealous of my SAHM friends with the ease of play dates and holidays and trips to grandparents during the school holidays, and am then totally freaked at the prospect of having all the time in the holidays next year.
Am also worried about how the grandparents will react - they will be shocked and upset I suspect, and may take some work to get them to come round. I think they will feel that they can't manage any more gchildren. But that is up to them. We don't live that close so do not rely on them now, although I may need more help if this goes ahead.
And on top of my money/time/coping dilemma, and the fear of having a disabled child (sorry if that offends anyone) I have another fear now too - twins.......
Maybe it is hormones but feel more relaxed generally after a good day today. Not sure if it maes me think "great day, so easy with the children now, looking forward to more days out like that as a family of 4" or "sh*t won't be able to do that anymore". will reflect and decide this week. Thanks for supprt on here. It is therapeutic just typing it all out>

ladyofshallots Sun 16-Aug-09 17:03:37

Glad this thread has been of help to you, MACKAT.

Whatever your decision is, don't worry about what other people will say. My children are close together in age and MIL's reaction on hearing that we were expecting dd2 was 'you're joking.' I sent dh to tell her about this one and she was warned not to say anything negative. She interpreted that as not mentioning the pregnancy at all for three months!

Even she has come round now, most relatives do eventually and ultimately it is no one else's business but yours.

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