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preg with no.4, dh not pleased, please help/advise/whatever

(19 Posts)
LadyOfTheFlowers Tue 11-Aug-09 15:48:05

me again, this is my second thread on this subject, thought he was gonna come to terms with it, seems not.

long and short of it.... got drunk, forgot party hats, i stopped him and said 'erm, if i get preg, im having the baby' 'yeah, yeah of course' he replied.

carried on, thought not a lot of it as he (tmi warning!) withdrew.
aunt flo didnt come, tested - positive, doc has confirmed.

told doc dh not sure, said i the baby, doc gave me leaflets explaining how termination are carried out, the baby's developmental stage at the mo... etc etc.

dh read leaflet said 'its not informative, just a guily trip so you dont terminate'

he is not being horrible to me or anything, but is a bit distant and short tempered. he does not want this baby in all honesty and i feel absolutely awful knowing he does not want it. i am going to have the baby, but cant feel happy about it without him behind me 100%.

he said theres nothing to say in 2 weeks time he may feel differently, but at the mo, he is dead against.

am i in the wrong to say 'i am going to have it' as that is not considering his wishes or is he wrong or both wrong?

your views please.

LadyOfTheFlowers Tue 11-Aug-09 15:49:09

said i **want to keep** the baby - typo, soz.

ajandjjmum Tue 11-Aug-09 15:51:40

Congratulations - and sorry you're having to deal with dh's disappointment.

When is the baby due? How old are your other little ones?

LadyOfTheFlowers Tue 11-Aug-09 15:54:06

this one due 15th april

have 3 boys aged 8m, 3y and 4y.

scarlotti Tue 11-Aug-09 15:57:05

No, you're not in the wrong. It takes two to make a baby. If he didn't want to risk having another child then he should have put a condom on when you pointed out that you weren't using anything.

DH and I had decided to ttc, but during the fertile days had a huge row. Dh insisited on using a condom that night as he didn't want to run the risk.

If you don't want a baby, use a condom or don't have sex!

Congratulations by the way grin

IlanaK Tue 11-Aug-09 15:59:33

Are you me? This exact thing (well almost) has just happened to me. Now waiting to see if pregnant. At first, dh wanted me to take the morning after pill and I decided not to. Not sure yet if I am pregnant, but have a sort of feeling about it. I also have 3 boys aged 8,5 and 1.Dh is now ok about it al though.

Anyway, to answer your question, I think he will come to terms with it. I know a few people where this sort of thing has happened, and once it sank i, their dh were ok.


LadyOfTheFlowers Tue 11-Aug-09 16:05:30

thanks so far ladies.

dh also suggested we go to the chemist on the following morning (sunday) but we didnt 'get round to it....'

FluffyBunnyGoneBad Tue 11-Aug-09 16:14:26

I'd tell him to go and get the snip. It takes 2 to make a baby, he has no right to turn around and say that it wasn't his fault/he didn't know/he wasn't expecting this blah...
Nor does he have the right to sulk like a little child that has messed up. We all make choices, if he decided to go ahead without contraception then he needs to face the consequences. It's tough shit really.

If he doesn't face up to this then you are better off without. He has no spine. Tell him you are going to have this child with or without him if this is what you want, you are the one that's going to carry it, give birth and do probably all the caring for the child. I'd say it impacts on you a hell of alot more then him. He needs to grow up and stop being pathetic.

Sorry if I seem harsh though. Hope you are well.

LadyOfTheFlowers Wed 12-Aug-09 08:40:16

Not harsh FluffyBunny, I totally agree.

No more is being said regarding the matter anyway. Once he said about the leaflet being a guilt trip, I think that was him saying 'looks like we're having it then' kinda thing.
He is a bit weird/quiet in the mornings then is fine by the time he gets home from work, just like nothing is going on.
Don't think I will mention it again till I get my scan date thru - he will want to come to that.
With no.3 he was off with me for a week, then was fine and the most attentive towards me he has been out of all pregs up to that point.

I will go back to the Doc next week and tell her I am going ahead as she is waiting to know if she needs to pass my name on to mw or not. Have just rung them to ask for a script for folic acid - better late than never.

MamaG Wed 12-Aug-09 08:47:03

LOTF when i got pg with BabyG, my third baby, my DH was not happy. I knew I would keep the baby, and at first he was short tempered and distant and would look at me, in a sort of accusing way, without saying anything (bloody men!!)

As hte pregnancy progressed, he came around to the idea of a baby more and more (which is quite convenient, given the baby growing in there!) and by the time we were 7/8 months pg he was as excited as he had been about our other two babies. He was thrilled with the baby and we've never had a cross word about it since he was born.

Give it time, it will get better

expatinscotland Wed 12-Aug-09 08:50:43

What scarlotti said.

expatinscotland Wed 12-Aug-09 08:52:24

this man has fathered 3 children already, what did he think would happen when he skipped the contraception?


if he was dead set against another, he needs to go to the GP now and get a referral for the snip. he could have the all clear by the time this one is born and be done with it.

LadyOfTheFlowers Wed 12-Aug-09 22:11:00

Thanks all.

He has suggested he would like to get the snip now. We will be looking into that definately, I think I will be stretched to full capacity with 4!

Still dont think it's really sunk in for me yet, let alone him. I don't even 'feel' preg yet, apart from extreme fatigue which kicks in at about 2 in afternoon then again around now.

He knows we are having the baby and has accepted it, I just know he is not too happy, but I do think he will come round in time.
He even pointed out some large houses in the paper this eve as we are currently in a 2 bed terrace.

My best friends have both told me they will do whatever they can and support me all the way as will my Mum.

Thanks again all. x

Ilovebeingamummy Wed 12-Aug-09 23:04:38

2 pennies worth....

He's just in shock that his gamble to dance without a party hat gave him more than he bargained for.

Sounds like he's coming round already and given time all will be well...

Enjoy your pregnancy...and house hunting!

scarlotti Thu 13-Aug-09 12:38:04

Excellent, it's started to sink in. Brilliant news.

Funny boys these DH's aren't they - sometimes it's hard to work out who the children in the relationships are grin

Enjoy the rest of your pg

LadyOfTheFlowers Fri 14-Aug-09 13:51:11

My brothers were round last night, one was teasing me saying 'ooh another boy it will be!' and dh piped up with ' i dont know why you are all getting excited - we certainly cnt afford the huge car we will need'

but later on in the evening told me he WAS getting used to the idea.


am just ignoring him, letting him get on with it.

weegiemum Fri 14-Aug-09 13:58:16

Your dh might find it hard to get the docs to refer for the snip while you are pg - there is always the "what if it goes wrong" question?

My dh was able to have it done while I was pg with dd2 (3rd dc) as I was very ill and spent a lot of the pregnancy in hospital, and was very strongly advised that if I wanted to keep 2 kidneys I shoudl not have any more children.

But the surgeon who did dh's op said it was very unusual to be doing it on a man who's wife was still pg (I was 7 months when he was done - which was good, as by the time I was up for sex after the birth, he had been given the all clear!)

weegiemum Fri 14-Aug-09 13:58:47

Oh, and sorry, meant to say - congratulations and hoep it all goes well for you!

LadyOfTheFlowers Fri 14-Aug-09 14:11:26

Oh I see.
If it all goes wrong, he certainly wont be impregnating me again, that's for sure - he will point blank refuse. This is it for me.

Do you think they will do it once I've delivered though? I am 26 and he is 28. Will they say he's too young? I know they refuse women on those grounds.

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