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Pregnancy

18 wks pregnant and friend of 20 years calls me fatty/piggy...hmmm...what to do?

21 replies

MyPetSnail · 08/08/2009 14:22

I'm 18 weeks pregnant with DC2, and I don't live near my friend of nearly 20 years, so we mostly chat on facebook chat etc.

The thing is, when we chat over the net she brings up asking how the pregnancy is going by calling me fatty/piggy. We have the kind of friendship where we tease each other a lot without taking offence, but as I look like I've swallowed a football, I'm starting to get a bit touchy about my weight and it's starting to play on my mind.

I'm not sure why she's being so thoughtless as she knows what it's like being pregnant as she has a DS, and she esp didn't like her ex calling her fatty when she was preg.

I'm not sure whether it has anything to do with it but she's always been quite big, whereas I'm lucky I've never had to watch my weight as I haven't got that much of an appetite, so she maybe likes the idea that I'm big now, but I would NEVER even think of commenting on her weight.

If I say something to her in the middle of what she's taking as 'friendly banter', I can just imagine the stilted atmosphere afterwards. Whatever I say it'll sound awkward, even though I've known her for so long I know she'll take it the wrong way. I haven't seen her face to face since week 6, so it's not even as though she's seen how big my bump is.

I'd be really grateful if anyone else has any thoughts on this as I'm starting to avoid talking to her, which really is a pity.

OP posts:

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franklymydear · 08/08/2009 14:26

it's a term of endearment

email her and tell her that you know she's being funny but it's really beginning to get to you and that it must be your pregnancy hormones. Ask her to please stop calling you fatty and piggy because you're finding it upsetting - and when she does it during a conversation say "oy I told you"

franklymydear · 08/08/2009 14:27

you need to embrace the fact that you get bigger with pregnancy and stop caring too - it's one of the joys that you're protecting your baby and keeping it snug and warm -

ThePregnantPhantomPlopper · 08/08/2009 14:41

I'd try and ignore it or tell her to shut it.

My BF was always calling me fatty when I was pregnant with my first two.

Trikken · 08/08/2009 14:51

i dont mind the 'fatty' in a banter way but got annoyed cos dh's friend called me 'lardy' and 'tubby' which i did find offensive cos he said it in a nasty way.
just say could she please not call you fatty cos you dont really like it.

skihorse · 08/08/2009 15:17

Tell her to GET FUCKED!

mogend77 · 08/08/2009 16:47

I suspect your suspicions are wholly on the ball - as someone who has struggled with my weight I know sometimes I find it hard to remember than naturally slim people might have issues too - it's easily done. She almost certainly is saying it ironically because she thinks you would never in a million years need to worry about your weight (so in a very inappopriate way you could see that there's a backhanded compliment in there buried - she probably wouldn't use it to someone she actually saw as fat).

However, the fact is when you're pregnant the last thing you need is ANY kind of comment about your weight - because the fact is it is a sensitive time & you don't need to be reminded constantly of your changing body. If I were you I would email her & say something along the lines of (in your words of course) "I realise that you're only saying it because you don't think it, and that I should be able to take it as a joke as I usually do, but I am feeling hyper-sensitive about my body at the moment, so I'd prefer it if you don't call me fatty/piggy because things like that just make me dwell on it more." If she's any kind of friend she will apologise & stop without taking offence.

Good luck!

josiejo79 · 08/08/2009 17:54

I totally understand where you are coming from. I was out shopping with my sister on Monday who called me fatty and comments on the reality that I am nearly at waddling stage (38+4). I find it really upsetting and said to her a couple of times not to call me fatty. She carried on as she thought I was just mucking around, and I had to really clearly say that I really don't think that it is funny, and whilst I know that she isn't really calling me Fat, I am not Fat I am pregnant and there is a huge difference. Fortunatley as she is my sister she took this reasonably well and i know will not be offended or say anything else, but it isn't always that easy with friends.

It's all well and good for people to say embrave it and it's all part of being pregnant, but I think it is about how you feel about your own body image, and if it is upsetting in anyway it's best to say something now before you have a highly irrational pregnancy moment and say something that you might regret.

Good luck.

MyPetSnail · 08/08/2009 19:08

That did cross my mind when she first said it skihorse but like josiejo79 said, I didn't want my friend to think that it was part of the banter I felt comfortable with, so I kind of brushed it off when she did say it.

I don't think it's the fatty as much as the piggy, perhaps it is just me being over sensitive because I feel like some of my weight gain isn't all baby! And the fact that I can't exercise that bit off like I'm used to.

It's eight years ago that I was last preg, and this time round I'm bigger much sooner, which is lovely at the same time as being a tad alarming

OP posts:

skihorse · 09/08/2009 07:52

Yes, I see your point - you don't want a two-way slagging match. In which case I would simply say that you're not comfortable at all with her talking to you like that. Send her a PM on facebook chatting about all the usual stuff you do and then maybe as a bit of a "cop-out" do a PS where you say something like "hormones are raging right now and I'm all over the place emotionally, so please don't call me piggo/fatso. OH called me truffler this morning and I burst in to tears."

It doesn't matter if you're more sensitive than me or the lady down the street - if you don't want to be called piggy/fatso then you have every right NOT to be called it. Don't invalidate your own feelings just because you "think" you're being a wimp, no such thing - your feelings are your feelings. x

lou031205 · 09/08/2009 08:31

I think if you are naturally slim, it is a great source of fascination when your body changes during pregnancy. I was very slim naturally (5'8" & 7st 12lbs - too thin) and all my friends got massively disappointed when I didn't get 'huge' during my first 2 pregnancies. I got slightly bigger with my 3rd (although nowhere near the average pregnant woman size), and it was constantly commented on - you would have thought I was a sumo wrestler.

beautifulgirls · 09/08/2009 11:03

I have this from a friend of mine to and to be honest I don't personally think anything of it. We are however all different how we view things. The way I see it you have two choices here - you can either ignore it and see it as an attempt at humour that is not so funny to you but is not meant with ill feeling, or you can get in touch with her and politely request that she doesn't use that term any longer as you are not happy with it - you can blame your hormones and all that to try and make your request seem a bit more light hearted and try to avoid the awkwardness that will occur to a degree. If you are good friends like you say then she will take it just fine and that awkward feeling will pass quickly and you can both move on with being friends and happy again.

Good luck with the pregnancy.

Southwestwhippet · 09/08/2009 11:41

My best friend is a bit like this. She has always been a bit competative with me which is something I used to hate but now just laugh off as one of her character traits - she is my best friend after all and no-one is perfect. We are both very skinny types, as teens we used to tease each other about being flat chested, but we were both quite pretty as well and she used to get quite competative with me for male attention.

When she got pregnant her DP (who was NOT a nice man, they are no longer together) was always telling her how fat she was. I made a conserted effort to NEVER do this, but always to admire her new big boobs instead as it has always been a joke between us. Now I'm pregnant, she is not returning the favour and loves to ask me if I'm fat yet or to point out my "delightful" new love handles.

I kinda expected it TBH and I just try to laugh it off, it doesn't hurt me that she is this way - I know that she loves me and will always be there for me, she is just very competative with me about appearances.

My advice to you is that if your friend really is a good friend, just rise above it, 20year friendships are not easily replaced. no-one in perfect, and the fact that she seems to feel a bit of jealosy or insecurity about the way you look compared to how she looks (and is enjoying this being 'equalised') is def her issue rather than being about you.

drlove8 · 09/08/2009 12:08

she's taht your PG and she's not...... cant understand things like that tbh, why take the shine off someones good news?

ErikaMaye · 09/08/2009 12:23

Congrats on your pregnancy

I'm so hormonal, I'd probably burst into tears and then violently attack the individual who'd said it to me... Whether it was my DP, my best friend, or the Queen herself. I;m not suprised its bugging you...

Have you tried telling her its upsetting you? Surely if she's been your friend for so long she'd stop if she knew?

MyPetSnail · 09/08/2009 14:18

Awww thanks for all the nice things you've said

I'm definately enjoying being pregnant again, and this has just reminded me to keep things in perspective. I'm just past the ultra-hormonal stage, so that might help.

You might have something in the competative thing Southwestwhippet, we've both got pretty low self-esteem, and I have noticed in the past that it makes her feel better to know she better off financially etc than I've been, but it doesn't usually bother me. I don't think she meant it nastily at all, it's prob unconscious and she'd be mortified if I said anything to her about it, perhaps that's why I haven't.

OP posts:

lucky1979 · 09/08/2009 19:46

A girl at work insisted on saying "Oh you don't look pregnant, you just look fat", right up until about 25 weeks. I just took a deep breath and ignored her, but if she'd been a close friend I would probably have asked her to be a bit more tactful.

Daisy134 · 10/08/2009 17:41

Yes, I'm getting really big at 24 weeks and I find that the only people who comment on my size and take the piss are the people who are big themselves (men and women).

I've never commented on their size and do find it increasingly annoying. I think what they're doing is subconsciously passing on negative comments that they've had to put up with over the years, and in some way it makes them feel a bit better. They don't mean to hurt, though. I'm with Franklymydear on this one - drop her an email.

Silverdall · 10/08/2009 20:43

When I was pregnant I made sure that I always felt good about myself and my changing shape. Why not treat yourself to a new maternity outfit and be proud.

MyPetSnail · 11/08/2009 14:00

Thanks for that Silverall, brilliant website. Anything for an excuse to shop not that I need one lol

OP posts:

dal21 · 11/08/2009 14:09

Am at the number of people who have friends calling them fatty when pregnant. How incredibly rude.

But in your situation, I would outright say that it may be pregnancy hormones making me over react, but that I found it really hurtful and could they stop.

Maybe I need to relax a little - LOL at fatty being a term of endearment. .

degroote78 · 11/08/2009 15:44

I have the opposite as I am quite small and my bump isn't very big and people feel the need to comment on this as if there is something wrong with my baby (actually it is growing normally!!) or I'm dieting or something. I would say something if it's upsetting you and if that person is your friend they'll stop. Some people are just very tactless and don't think about what they say

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