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Furious with gossiping workmates

(20 Posts)
RamDhan Fri 07-Aug-09 08:51:40

Yesterday it started to filter back to me that 'everyone' was talking about me being pregnant at work (I'm just 12 weeks). My boss had to tell one of my colleagues to stay away from me as he'd just returned from having swine flu so I'm guessing he figured it out. I know he was asking the question and by the end of the day it had become people I barely know entertaining themselves momentarily with my prescious news. I haven't had a chance to tell my brother yet and my husand has decided to wait until the first scan to tell his family. I actually work with one of his close friends so I presume he has heard the rumours now too. This will probably be the only child we ever have and everything about it means alot to me. Am I being oversensitive? Has anyone else had similar and any good suggestions for revenge? angry

MollieO Fri 07-Aug-09 08:55:10

How do they know? I didn't tell anyone at work until I was 25 weeks and no one guessed (had very bad morning sickness so didn't put on much weight by that stage).

rubyslippers Fri 07-Aug-09 08:59:53

are you sure they know?

it doesn;t sound like it was done malicously - on the contrary your boss was trying to help you <<maybe in a clumsy way>>

not sure about revenge TBH

pecanpie Fri 07-Aug-09 09:01:25

I know how you feel. I had a similar experience at work with my first pregnancy. My bosses worked it out when we were out with a client for drinks. My scan was the next day. My boss then pretty much forced me to announce it to my colleagues when I arrived back in the office which was embarrassing to say the least. My colleagues then saw it as really exciting news to share with every supplier they spoke to as they were all children and had never worked with a pregnant woman before. I would have preferred people to find out when it became obvious. Then, my manager at the time who wanted to announce his fiancee's pregnancy decided to announce it to a client in a meeting - absolutely no right there and should have got my revenge on that one for sure but it was a bit heavy handed to think about going to HR. He thought he could announce on the basis that he had to tell the client (when his wife was 12 weeks) that he would be off for paternity leave in what would be a relatively light work period.
Am pregnant again after 2 miscarriages and my scan is next week. I'm starting to look pregnant and am worried that people are talking already. Am determined this won't happen again. Don't even particularly want to tell friends unless they need to know (which is a completely separate issue as a couple will be offended and will feel the need to let me know at which point I can't be responsible for what I will say to them!).

SixtyFootDoll Fri 07-Aug-09 09:02:35

you are being precious
would you have preferred it if your colleague infected you with swine flu.
Most people are good at guessing when someone is pg.

RamDhan Fri 07-Aug-09 09:06:42

I have been off sick a bit and also have constant morning sickness. I had to tell my boss and a couple of people I manage as they've been picking up the slack for me. It's the two I manage who've come back to me saying they've been told by third parties. I'm sure my boss wasn't being malicious and I'm not at all angry with her. I work in a big place and we hire alot of temps so I literally don't know some of their names and I just feel really hurt that they are so happy to let the rumour spread when I clearly have not chosen to tell anyone. But I know revenge is a strong word! Blame it on the hormones...

RamDhan Fri 07-Aug-09 09:11:26

Pecanpie, really hope scan is perfect. But your problem is exactly what bothers me. If, god forbid, all is not well with the scan, I then have to go to work knowing all these people knew I was pregnant and that something went wrong...

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 07-Aug-09 09:13:39

I told my boss, and no-one else and kept it quiet until I was about 9 weeks but due to continous sickness it became apparant, I either let people gossip or took it into my own hands, and chose those I told. I also sent an email to those who I told asking them to not take it further for now. Of course they did! But they were discrete with it, which is all I could hope for.

People are incessant gossips, you just cannot stop it I am afraid.

What I disliked more was the more nasty gossip about me being slack due to 'morning sickness' when in fact I was actually rather poorly with hyperemesis and could just about sit up without vomiting. The rumours and sour grapes that were going about were quite hurtful, and even now I now my colleagues think I am slack as I am still suffering with sickness at 24 weeks, although not as bad, so cannot make it to work some days. I have learnt to turn the t=other cheek as you just cannot stop them being human, as long as I do not hear something too bad, and then I will take it more formally.

traceybath Fri 07-Aug-09 09:17:52

People are pleased for you and happy for you. You can just deny it if you want . . .

Congratulations though and forget about revenge.

Notalone Fri 07-Aug-09 09:30:23

YANBU - it is your business and your business only. Yes, the man with SF needed to stay away from you but he should have been advised that he was only party to such info because of the circumstances and to exercise discretion.

I had an awful time when I first got pg. A few weeks before we had had a worknight out and my then supervisor got very drunk and ended up kissing someone she shouldn't have in full view of everyone. However she forgot everyone had seen and got it in her head that it was myself and my other colleague who had told everyone, even though they had seen it with their own eyes. Fast forward a few weeks and I find out I am pg. I told one person at work and asked her to keep it to herself. However she ended up telling this supervisor. I worked in a call centre and asked the supervisor one day if she could handle a complaint caller who was asking for the call to be escalated to someone more senior and she was completely vile. I recall the conversation on her part being in a very loud voice

"Oh, I suppose you want me to take the call NOW. Just because you are PREGNANT, is that what it is. You think your PREGNANCY gives you the right to pass this call over to me. Well I am not taking it. Now GO AWAY" shock

I calmly stated it was non of her business and she had no right to announce it to the office like that because I hadn't even had my first scan and if it wasn't ok then I would have to then explain to everyone in the office god forbid I couldn't carry on with the pregnancy. She then retorted

"I can say what I want. YOU told everyone when I kissed X so I have the RIGHT to tell everyone this" angry

This then resulted in me sobbing my heart out in the toilets. Another colleague who witnessed it went straight to the management to explain exactly how nasty and unprofessional this supervisor had been and after they managed to coax me out of the toilets they gave her the biggest rollicking of her life and said if she ever behaved like that again she would be demoted.

Thankfully DS is 8 on Monday so all is well but she made me super stressed and she had no right to do this.

I know your circumstances are slightly different Ramdhan but I am still cross for you, especially as some of your family don't know. The damage is done now but what I would do is speak to the close friend and explain what you have told us on here. If he is a good friend he will appreciate where you are coming from and will keep schtum. Forget about revenge, it was done with good but misguided intention. And it shows what sad little lives they all have if all they can find to talk about is a colleague getting pregnant. Try to relax now and enjoy yyour pregnancy. Don't allow it to be tainted by this smile

OhBling Fri 07-Aug-09 09:35:50

I think you are being oversensitive. I totally understand why you're upset, but it's the nature of the beast and people WILL talk and will speculate and mostly it's positive. And, worst case scenario, if something bad does happen as it was just rumours you won't have to deal with them as they'll be happening away from you.

I sympathise but I work in an office with a lot of women and yes, there is regularly speculation about who may or may not be pregnant. I know that if I am ill there's instant speculation that I'm pregnant. But... I see that as part and parcel of life in a not dissimilar way to the fact that if you break up with your partner or get on badly with your parents it's generally at least partly known in the office.

RamDhan Fri 07-Aug-09 09:41:10

WOW Notalone, what your colleague did sounds unbelievably cruel and puts things into perspective a bit! Thanks for the great advice too - I guess the life lessons about not being able to control everything the way we could before children come from all over the place!

Podrick Fri 07-Aug-09 09:49:32

Feel sorry for you but it is not entirely realistic to expect nobody to guess for 12 weeks when they see you every day!

Congratulations!

tobago04 Fri 07-Aug-09 09:51:28

Hi Ramdhan i don't think you are being oversensitive,if there is a chance that your collegue who's had swine flu could infect you then he should'nt be at work anyway surely? Telling people you are pregnant is exciting and it should be for you to announce no one else,good luck with everythingsmile

Reginamygina Fri 07-Aug-09 10:23:23

I understand where you're coming from.

Mil promised not to say anything when we told her our news, but then rushed to MY work and announced it to everyone.

When confronted, she lied and said someone else had said it (friend of mine). I then confronted friend who denied, and asked other colleagues, who simply said "your Mil told us" when asked without giving the history, iyswim.

Mil still lies to this day about it, despite having half a dozen people saying she told everyone.

Am still fuming, but my revenge will come very soon, when she asks if we know the sex of the baby, I will simply tell her that given what happened before, she would be the last person I'd tell. HHHHA!

Just let people talk, there isn't much you can do about it am afraid.

Oh and CONGRATULATIONS!

RamDhan Fri 07-Aug-09 10:38:33

Thanks everyone - it's interesting hearing all these other experiences and feeling a bit less angry now! Reginamygina, you'd think someone who's been a mum would know better wouldn't you? It seems like opinion's divided as to whether it's oversensitive to be upset by gossip but either way, no-one can wind back time.

chubbychipmonk Fri 07-Aug-09 10:39:32

Loving these stories! . .why can people not keep their mouths shut!! After having a miscarriage I didnt want anyone to know I was pregnant this time until 12 wks, had to tell my boss as my job is physical and high risk so as soon as anyone gets pregnant they are moved into the office.

I explained situation to boss, told him i didnt want anyone to know and asked could we make up a story I had a bad back and would have to be on light duitrs for a while (taking me up to 12 weeks when I could announce my news!)... .

Was on office duites for 2 days, relayed to colleagues story of bad back, came back after a weeks annual leave . . and EVERYONE knew I was pregnant!!

On being asked by my colleagues if I was pregnant, my bosses answer had been,

'ask me no questions and i'll tell you no lies!!', followed with a wink!

. .subtle as a brick . . .Not!!

Thankfully am 20 weeks now and all is well but I was so worried that if everyone knew it would tempt fate and like you, half my family didnt know whilst people at my work did!

At the end of the day, what will be will be, regardless of how many people know.

Congratulations!! wink

LoveBeingAMummy Fri 07-Aug-09 10:49:54

I told my boss and asked her not to say anything. I worked in a call centre so hundreds of people in the building. Went to a friends wedding the next day, an old work friend and there were lots of people that I used to work with in another dept in the building and one of them walks up to me and Dh and says with a smile on her face I understand congratulations are in order and I stop her as soon as I relaise what she is saying and say its a secret as not 12 weeks yet and so is mortified as my boss had told her the day beforeangry

Bascially I told my boss we went for lunch with my two team mates (who did already know) and she went bakc to work and told this woman.

I did ahve fun though when I went back to work on monday, it was clear she'd told her thinking I'd never know byt he look on her face when i walked inot her office on mon morning and said I was at a wedding and X came and congrautated me wink

Bascially there are very few people who you can trust with this news!!!!

KatyS36 Fri 07-Aug-09 17:44:54

Ramdhan,

I'm sorry to hear your story and I would be upset to.

I was really lucky in this respect. My boss was a model of discretion when I told him at 16 weeks, although I did clarify in no uncertain terms what confidential meant to me.

When I announced it at 20 weeks a couple of the girls I work with said that 'they had guessed, but knew they weren't suppost to say anything', and so hadn't.

victoriascrumptious Sun 09-Aug-09 20:55:14

Sorry to here about this Ramdhan-why are people so insensitive?

I went to a party last week and wasnt drinking. I faced a barrage of questions as to why this may be. Now theoretically I could be an alcoholic for all people know-grrrrr!

When I got back to work some dull moose (who's had children herself btw) shouts down the corridor "Vic, are you PREGNANT?". I was so livid as i'm only 12 weeks and high risk for miscarriage. How DARE people behave like this!

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