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PLEASE come and give me some advice as to how to break pregnancy news to friend

(11 Posts)
sherby Thu 30-Jul-09 14:08:34

Just got a BFP

I posted a week or so back about my lovely friend who was going in for a DC following a miscarriage sad and I wanted to do a little gift basket for her.

The catch is that we are all going on holiday tomorrow together and she will notice that I am not smoking. I can't just say that I have given up as 1 she wont believe me and 2 I don't want to lie to her. But I am really worried as I know she will be upset.

She is still trying to get her head around having a miscarriage herself. Do I go to hers tonight to tell her on her own? or wait until she notices i'm not smoking or what

Sorry if this is garbled I only just got the BFP about an hour ago

midnightexpress Thu 30-Jul-09 14:15:00

First of all CONGRATULATIONS!

Something similar happened to me. My lovely cousin told me she was pg when I was about 7 weeks pg with ds2. I didn't say anything but was v excited that we'd be having babies at about the same time. Anyway, at her 12 week scan she found out that she'd had a missed mc and I then had to tell her that I was pg. Twas horrible. But I think you do have to just come out with it tbh - I'd probably go to hers and tell her ahead of the hol I think.

Is it first DC for both of you? I think that must be even harder (she already had DCs), but I know that it can take a long time to get over an MC so I suppose you have to be prepared for the fact that she might not be overjoyed about your pg and try not to take it personally, as I'm sure that wouldn't be how it was meant, iyswim.

Northerngirldownsouth Thu 30-Jul-09 14:22:07

Congrats on your BFP!!

I lost a baby and a few months later both of my brothers had to tell me their wives were pregnant both due within a week.

I found it very hard but appreciated them telling me straight, I think after you lose a baby being patronised/mollycoddled is v annoying (or it was for me). Obviously it was mixed emotions for me as I was delighted to be getting 2 new nieces/nephews

I would go and see her before you go and just say that you're not sure how to tell her but you want to be upfront etc. Then while you're away try to carry on as normal, don't make the pregnancy a big deal, but also don't tiptoe around it.

sherby Thu 30-Jul-09 14:23:11

Thank you smile

No this is no 3 for me! It would have been her 2nd

I have got a bit of a cold, so I could say I am not smoking because of that but I don't think she would buy it tbh

mears Thu 30-Jul-09 14:27:01

It is early days. Can you not say that you have stopped smoking because you will be trying for a baby as part ofpreconceptual care? She doesn't need to know right now that you are pregnant.

melfishfish Thu 30-Jul-09 14:37:49

Well I tried to hide it from my sister in law over christmas. She outed me terribly - not in public but she said 'I have been noticing your symptoms - you're not drinking very much and you keep falling asleep - I'm not stupid'. She and my bro have been trying for 6 years to get pregnant on IVF.
I can't recommend warning her in advance enough - not only did I feel bad about being preg but also double bad about trying to be secretive. She did admit she had been a little harsh but I spose it was just her gut reaction. Best for both of you if the gut reaction is not in the middle of a holiday! There are other tell-tale signs - not getting drunk, not eating soft cheese / pate / peanuts whatever. It's actually really hard to keep secret, specially if she knows you really well....

FabBakerGirlIsBack Thu 30-Jul-09 14:39:37

Definitely tell her before the holiday and be honest. No need to lie about it.

ttalloo Thu 30-Jul-09 16:29:44

Congratulations to you, sherby!

You sound like a great friend to care so much about how you break the news, which suggests that whatever you do you're likely to do it with tact and sensitivity, unlike my former best friend, who broke the news to me of her unexpected pregnancy and then proceeded to tell me how easy it was to get pregnant when you weren't even trying, how wonderful it all was, and how much she was enjoying talking to all her friends with children about their experiences. As I had been trying at that point for two years to get pregnant, had had two MCs and two DCs (because the first was botched) and had been unable to get pregnant since the second MC nearly a year previously, I was incredibly hurt that she didn't stop to ask me how I was feeling (which was chuffed for her, but really miserable for me). I agree with FabBakerGirl and others that you should tell your friend before the holiday; just allow her the time and space to tell you how she feels.

Good luck (and have a lovely holiday, both of you).

oopsadaisyangel Thu 30-Jul-09 16:34:47

I'd tell her in advance.

I had a stillborn about a year and a half ago and my best friend came to tell me she was pregnant. She was so scared that I'd be upset but I was so happy for her. She said she felt so relieve after she'd told me because she'd been worrying about it for so long (even attending DS2's funeral which must have been hard for her).

From my point of view I was glad she's told me and not let me guess or find out from someone else. She'll appreciate the honesty and be happy for you but don't be upset if she gets a bit tearful, it will be for the "what if" not for anything else.

smile

Spidermama Thu 30-Jul-09 16:37:16

Tell her.
She'll appreciate your honesty.
Let her know that you understand this will be hard for her at the current time so you're not expecting her to leap about and let her know that you're there for her.

Congratulations

ButterflEi Thu 30-Jul-09 16:42:14

congratssmile

i would do it in private with her before the hol. maybe over a cuppa and bring tissues as she might cry. (i did when my friend insensitively told my about another friends unwanted preg a few weeks agohmm something along the lines of "shes got PCOS and she managed to get preg by accident and she doesnt even want the baby!!"hmm)

you will be fine and so will she but dont be surprised if she is upset etc. you sound like a nice person thinking of your friend like thissmile
xx ei xx

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