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Am pregnant, have only been with father for 4 months, should I terminate?

(28 Posts)
Pawslikepaddington Tue 28-Jul-09 11:02:21

Have been on the implant since having dd 6 years ago, and have never had a problem. However (stupidly) I didn't realise that 1 in 100 get pregnant in the first year, and then the "success" rate goes down, and this one has been in 2 1/2 years.

What on earth do I do? This is a really bad time to be pregnant-I feel really numb-I know I should get rid of the baby, but am in denial about the whole thing. I have no super strong desire to keep the baby, but I think that is the shock more than anything. I went through such a hard time with dd when she was little, as her dad (with whom I supposedly had a "solid" relationship with) left at 2 months, we ended up homeless etc, that I am scared of history repeating itself.

mogend77 Tue 28-Jul-09 11:07:33

Hugs. Have you just found out? Do you know how many weeks? (ie. have you got time on your side?) Does your partner know yet?

Northernlurker Tue 28-Jul-09 11:08:32

You poor thing. It is a very hard situation to have to face. sad

Ok - you need to speak to someone in real life about this - have you told your partner? Or is there a friend or relative you could confide in?

You just need to take some time to think things through and look at all your options then I think things will become clearer as to what you should do. Have you any idea how far along you are?

Pawslikepaddington Tue 28-Jul-09 11:13:11

I'm probably around 4 weeks-it had a "period" 3 weeks ago, but it was just 3 days of pink mucus. I did a test then and it was negative, but now it is positive. I did talk to my partner when my period was late (the three weeks ago one) and he said we would be able to work things out whatever my decision was, but he has been away since last weekend and is away until next weekend, so I can't tell him until he gets back.

Thank you both for replying, I'm so shaky.

hobbgoblin Tue 28-Jul-09 11:16:27

I had 3 DC, a history of awful relationships including the one I was still dangling my feet in at the time when I found out I was pregnant.

I did not want a baby at all. Just restarted my career and in a fab job.

I did not want a termination but after a lot of pressure from the baby's father I decided to get rid of the problem and have one at 9 weeks pregnant in December last year.

The night of my first dose of drugs to abort the baby I felt I had made a terrible mistake and was grief stricken. I was due to go back the next day for a drug that would induce labour to expel the baby. I decided to see if I could stop the process.

I went for scans and discovered my baby was still alive. No promise she would stay that way.

Today she is lying in front of me as I type, born last Thursday and perfect.

My relationship is in tatters, I have a shocking workload as a lone parent of 4, I am probably considered a social disgrace to many, my career is teetering - no idea if/when I'll go back, money is tighter than a tight thing but I am SO happy and so glad to have my DD. She is beautiful and amazing as all babies are and I have absolutely no regrets at all.

Just my story but it may help give you a positive outlook on one of your options. Good Luck.

OnlyWantsOne Tue 28-Jul-09 11:19:05

wow hobgoblin - glad you made the right choice in the end

mogend77 Tue 28-Jul-09 11:21:02

I'm not surprised you're shaky.

Sorry am a bit confused - do you mean 4 weeks from conception?

If you're sure you are only a few weeks along then I'd say to mentally try to take the pressure off yourself. Give yourself permission to take some time to see how you feel.

It's a good sign that your partner's reaction was not negative. I agree with NL that you really do need a sympathetic, non-judgemental person to talk this through with in real life.

The past, however, is just that. There is no reason to believe history is destined to repeat itself.

I have had a similar situation in the past (though not identical, I was pregnant with an unsupportive boyfriend) so I am really feeling for you.

Pawslikepaddington Tue 28-Jul-09 11:21:52

Thank you hobbgoblin. I am in the same (ish) situation. Ended up a social pariah after having dd, finally built myself up to a fab house and great prospects (sadly house comes with the prospects), but they will all poof away if I do have the baby. But from a mum point of view I would love to keep the baby, whether the father stays or goes. I love your story, well done you.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 28-Jul-09 11:24:26

As a general rule, someone who talks about an unplanned PG in terms of a 'baby' is going to find terminating harder than someone who talks about it in terms of a 'pregnancy' or a 'problem'.
As others have said, give yourself a little time if you can (if you are only 4wks from conception than you have a little time) and try to get some RL counselling or at least talk through your options with an impartial professional.
Best of luck with making the choice that's right for you.

mogend77 Tue 28-Jul-09 11:25:59

"someone who talks about an unplanned PG in terms of a 'baby' is going to find terminating harder than someone who talks about it in terms of a 'pregnancy' or a 'problem'"

So true.

elliepac Tue 28-Jul-09 11:27:00

Although have no particular words of wisdom we had a friend (male) who was in the same situation. His very new girlfriend (2months) became pregnant. Before this he had never been the settling down type so they talked and she decided to keep the baby and see how the relationship went. 7 years later they are still together and have just had another beautiful DD. These situations can work out.

You must do whatever is right for you.

hobbgoblin Tue 28-Jul-09 11:29:54

I don't want to be heavily persuasive on either option but in many ways, if you have done it before you can do it again if necessary. However, there is every chance this time could be a success with the new DP - it could all work out fine despite, if honest, poor odds due to pressured circs. (Sorry to be brutal).

I wouldn't advocate using the above argument time and time again in support of doing the maddest, in some ways most difficult thing by keeping the baby. Sometimes you have to ignore heart and use head due to multitudinous fuck ups and a propensity towards them grin but if this is a one off maybe you would be wise to ignore all the practicals and do what feels right? It will be in some ways wrong and in some ways right WHATEVER you do.

VinegarTits Tue 28-Jul-09 11:42:02

I got pg after a one night stand, 17 yrs after my first born, so there i was, single and enjoying my life, good career, independant, had done my time as a mum, my ds was grown up doing his own thing, the father made he clear he wanted nothing to do with the baby.

I decided to go ahead with the pg anyway, it was hard, harder than i though but now i wouldnt be without ds2, not trying to sway you either just telling my story too, the way i see it, everything happens for a reason.

It sounds like your dp is willing to support you, you really need to talk to him before you make any decisions, good luck

readyfornumber2and3 Tue 28-Jul-09 11:52:36

I know only you can make the final decision but I think you need to speak to your partner as he sounds quite supportive.

DP and I had only been together 9 months when I fell pregnant with DS and he is now 3 and I am due to give birth to twins in the next 4 weeks! I know it doesnt work out for every one but what I am saying is that it can.
You still have time on your side so use it to think about what you really want,sometimes things are more important than where you live or how much money you have so think it through and decide whats best for YOU x

Pawslikepaddington Tue 28-Jul-09 12:01:29

I just feel so awful as he has such a good life plan ahead of him, as would I if I didn't have the baby (we are both 25). I know I should do head over heart, I really really should, as it makes the situation better for all concerned (including family, friends etc). They would be so ashamed of me, yet again, and dp is so wonderful that I really don't want to put this stress on the relationship. I feel like an ignorant teenager stomping my feet and shouting "but I don't want to!".

pixiestix Tue 28-Jul-09 12:40:02

Hi Paws, I just wanted to say that it is YOUR body that this is happening to so no one should be allowed to make you feel guilty or ashamed.
At the end of the day none of your family or friends can go through this for you, so you have to do what is best for you - and your mental state in the future, not just your financial state or the state of your relationship etc.
Hope that makes sense. [hugs]

Firsttimer7259 Tue 28-Jul-09 13:16:48

I have had a termination a number of years ago and I do not regret it.
It was a tiugh decision but at that time it was the right one for me.

The way in whihc I knew that so clearly was I did not speak it over with anyone who had power over me-parents, partners.
I discussed it with some open minded friends went through the options this way and that. And having a baby would not have been the best thing at the time but it was certainly an option.

But it was not what I wanted to do. and Inside I knew that.

My advice would be think about what you want to do. take your time and try not to think about what everyone else wants. Then go and do that.

Wishing you a good outcome that you are happy with whcihever way you decide

jodie87 Tue 28-Jul-09 13:19:14

hi, i found out i was pregnant about 7weeks ago and had only been with the father for 3months.....we talked ot over and decided that not having the baby was the best idea but after spending some time on my own to think i just couldnt go thro with it....
i lost a baby due to an ectopic pregnancy and felt keeping this baby was the right idea.
the dad has now run a mile and left me but i am 14weeks along and very happy, doing it on my own will be hard but i had to take time to think about what i really wanted. i would give your self some time and think about how you would fell

jardins Tue 28-Jul-09 14:14:58

Dear Pawslikepaddington I really feel for you and I do not want to sway you either way. It is a lonely moment having to make such a decision BUT as some posts already mention you need to take some time to digest and let 'things' settle a little. I always take comfort in the fact that somebody once said to me 'a crisis cannot by definition last for long'. I hope I'm being clear!! You may be surprised by how clear the decision will become after time.

My first pregnancy I fell pregnant after 3 months into a relationship. We decided to keep the baby. The father was totally unreliable and disappeared 11 years ago. My daughter is, however, the best thing that happened to me and we have a wonderful relationship. It was stressful and exiting being a single parent, but you know all about that, right? My second pregnancy, bingo, I fell pregnant 3 months (again) after starting to see someone. Guess what? He was the right one! I was so scared that history would repeat itself but he is reliable and loving. One year after the start of the relationship I was married with DS and now six years later we are expecting number 3. Things can turn out right if you have good vibes about your DP. Incidentally I had just started a fab new job and my career prospects were looking up. It was kinda hard to tell myself I couldn't control everything and that I could start relying on someone else....

Good luck. We're here for you.

Pawslikepaddington Tue 28-Jul-09 14:31:03

Thank you all so much for all this wisdom-with dd being on summer hols I keep having to make sure she isn't cutting up the sofa etc! Ended up holding a baby over lunchtime (visiting friends) and completely melted, but still feel it would be a very bad idea. But dd means the world to me, more than any man could, and everyone told me she was a bad idea, so that throws that into the air too.

I think I need to stop being so angry with myself and just calm down, settle it all in my head, and then tell dp when he gets home at the weekend. I can't believe how angry I feel at myself!

Jodie-don't worry-I really enjoy the time I have on my own with dd, we have a wonderful time together and a much stronger bond because of it.

jodie87 Tue 28-Jul-09 14:53:36

thanks hun
just stressed out lol as family are not that supportive and am only 21 so feel alone but i cant wait for my baby to be very happy to be pregnant even if its not ideal

crokky Tue 28-Jul-09 15:07:06

Pawslikepaddington - you should what is best for you.

I am shock that people who are supposed to be your friends and family would be ashamed of you!

justlookatthatbooty Wed 29-Jul-09 09:18:44

oh my dear, that sounds very stressful Can you just take time to breathe and be as quiet and "in your body" as possible, I mean simple and easy going on yourself, stop the mental whirr a little? Perhaps with that some soothing self care will come which will tell you the right direction.
For what it's worth, I became pregnant the first time I had sex with my DP, one week after we'd met. I was and still am in a foreign country with no access to the welfare system, no family and self employed. I decided to go for it and we are still together 2.5 years later and I'm 40 weeks pregnant with our second DC. I have never been happier. My point is, that sometimes unexpected things happen and turn your life upside down and it turns out to be a great thing. But you can only feel in yourself, over time what is right and talk it through at first opp with your partner. Can you call him? Get him home early? Or is it a good thing that you can be alone to think it over for a while? And as for friends and family.....I also anticipated shame reactions from people but in reality there was nothing of the sort, was kind of my own projection.

I hope you get the support and listening that you deserve. Wishing you all the very best. x

lal123 Wed 29-Jul-09 14:11:41

I had a termination about 15 years ago - and although I often wonder what life would have been like had I had the baby I don't regret my decision. DP and I had only been together a few months at the time, I was at Uni and although DP siad he's support whatever decision I made, at the time having a baby wasn't a good idea for me. Anyway - 15 years on, still with DP, have 1DD and 1DD on the way.

Give yourself some time to decide what you are going to do, and remember that there is no right and wrong decision - just the decision that you finally make.

ErikaMaye Wed 29-Jul-09 16:27:12

I'm 24 weeks pregnant - so my DP and I have probably been together 25 weeks It is awkward, as if you decide to keep the baby and stay together, you have to double speed your relationship, discuss things that aren't really what you'd expect to discuss with a partner of such a short time etc. But I wouldn't change things for the world.

I just wanted to let you know that if you do decide to go along the same route I have, it is possible. Not always easy, but possible. Good luck to you whatever you decide is best. x

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